VICTROLA COLA

FANTASY. SPORTS. DEATH. RACE.

2011-09-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

Fantasy. FAHntasy. Fantasy SPORTS. Well, not all sports, just baseball and football. You're not gonna catch me delving into the wooly and wild world of fantasy golf, which, like, what kind of heroin addict thinks that's a productive way to spend your time? Not me, man. But then again, I'm not a heroin addict, so maybe I'm in the wrong here. It's possible. At least feasible. Anyways, yeah, I got some fantasy stuff to talk about, so sit tight and for CHRIST'S SAKE STOP CHEWING THAT TRAIL MIX WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!!!

FANTASY BASEBALL. I'm in two leagues and as I write this I am in the playoffs in both. Well, I'm currently getting BEAT LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC'S CHILD in both, to be more specific.

Adrian Beltre, I hate you. Joe Mauer, I hate you. And the rest of you in both my teams: you are the biggest bunch of underachieving underwear skid marks known to man. Seriously, Martin Prado, you are killing me. Last year you were a beautiful rainbow of stats. You made me dry hump ESPN Magazine and I DESPISE that magazine.

But this year? Not a chance in hell. You know what? The weird thing is, regardless of my angst, my teams really aren't that bad, just victims of bad luck. Things can change. Things can always change.

(things are not going to change)

FANTASY FOOTBALL. I had two drafts over the Labor Day weekend. I am scared at the results. I feel very confident in my teams which means they will both tank in spectacular fashion. In my pay league I'm relying on the likes of Rashard Mendenhall and the resurgence of one Plaxico Burress to guide me into glory. Mendenhall will most likely have a solid season but Burress is my sleeper this year. He might be terrible. He might be the saving grace of my year that will lead me to money money money. I'm talking real money. I'm talking about the kind of money that will buy me a Kindle with a little left over for a crystal meth festival.

Basically I feel like I've been staring at the Yahoo Sports page non stop for the past three weeks. I've been reading injury reports. I've been looking at mock drafts. I've been baseball stats and quality September call ups. I feel like a machine. I sports machine. Insert reference here.

I will be updating this blog with my fantasy results throughout the baseball playoffs and football season. I'm going to be letting you into my lair. You will see my insanity. You will be sad. You will be manic. You will be putting me on your 'to kill' list.

I'm not scared. You shouldn't be either.

Onward

-Terrence

Sure It's Been A While, But You Weren't Paying Attention Anyways

2011-07-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Listen, I know. I know I've been AWOL for almost three months. I know that this blog has been sitting here like some kind of abandoned school house, walls lined with spider webs and crow's nests. I get it. You don't have to remind me.

What I can say in my defense is that I...

A.) Moved from New York City to Columbus, Ohio. That's right, I'm back in the Midwest. You know how hard that was? I drove ten goddamn hours with all of my belongings. Ten. Hours. That's brutal, especially when all of your music is packed and you're forced to listen to talk radio for the duration. I hit a part of Pennsylvania where Rush Limbaugh was on three different stations. THREE DIFFERENT STATIONS. Listening to Rush Limbaugh is like having a ten year old drop kick your family jewels with his Little League spikes. It starts off painful but eventually becomes excrutiating and you are forced to fall down and drool mindlessly for an hour afterwards. Anyways. Yeah. All my shit, in an enlarged minivan. It sucked.

B.) I had to get a job. I got a job! That's right. When you move away from a city while you're living on unemployment, you really want to find a real job when you reach your destination. So now I have a job. I won't really be talking about that job here, just know that I'm gainfully employed and that I have been absent from the blogosphere because I have REAL PAID WORK TO DO.

C.) I had to find an apartment. I got an apartment! It's so fucking cheap it's not even fair. You people in New York are suckers. The amount I'm paying now for a one bedroom apartment is what I paid to live with three dudes in New York. Suckers, the lot of ya.

So yeah, get off my ass about this stuff, I needed to get my ducks in a row.

Now.

The Reds.

Has there been a more disappointing team in baseball this year? They are inconsistent, their manager (Dusty Baker) can't ever seem to decide which lineup to throw out there and we're on the VERGE OF GETTING SWEPT BY THE PIRATES.

Can I just say that the resurgence of the Pirates is, for the most part, a fluke? The NL Central is the weakest division in baseball, hands down. No one in this division has a chance to win the World Series. Not one. Not the Cardinals, not the Brewers. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

The Reds could have still have a shot to take the division if they make a trade or two, but it's hard to really say if that will be the solution. For Ubaldo Jiminez save this team and this season? Will Ryan Ludwick be the spark that starts the blaze? Probably not. They need a real left fielder, not some weird circle of idiots. Heisey is the closest thing they've got to legitimacy out there, but hilariously he's a better pinch hitter than a starter.

The only hopeful things to take out of this season so far are the rise of Zach Cozart and the resurgence of Dontrelle Willis. One could only hope that this is the beginning of a new career for Willis, who absolutely deserves only the best that life has to offer.

Anyways, let's move on to other things. Such as...

THE NFL LOCKOUT!!!

I haven't really followed this too closely. When rich people get in a tizzy with one another I tend to look the other way. My only hope is that Roger Goodell get's pancake blocked by someone. Can we make that happen? I mean, that greedy fucktard deserves to be hospitalized. Someone get Jeff Saturday on the phone.

THE NBA LOCKOUT!!!

Again, do not really care. Just find a way to play the games, assholes. As a quick aside:

Was there anything more satisfying than watching LeBron James lose in the NBA Finals? Fuck you, LeBron, fuck you with a hot iron.  I hope he gets in a car accident and never plays again.

What else.

Christ, I don't know. Hockey? It's the off season. Whaddya want me to say? Women's World Cup? The US women had their chance and pulled a Mama Cass.  Golf? Nascar? I don't care about those two sports.

Ben Wills is getting married!  Hopefully he'll have something to say about that soon.

I'll really try to keep up with this on a regular basis, but honestly, if you want updates, email me and I'll make you an administrator. Then you can write your own articles!!!

Onward.

-Terrence Adams

JIM TRESSEL KEEPS TRYING TO SEXT ME, TWITTERVERSE, BASEBALL AND WHY UCONN SHOULD NOT BE PROUD OF THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP WIN

2011-04-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, me droogies, so let's get right into the jelly-filled portion of the donut.

Jim Tressel is a cheater. You know what that makes him, right? You guessed it, that makes Jimmy Tressel a legitimate coach in NCAA football. You're a real boy now, Jim!

Honestly, anyone who was shocked that Tressel lied to save his own ass must also believe that the Easter Bunny is real and that God exists and rides unicorns to work. The NCAA, especially when it comes to football, will always be brimming with secret monetary kickbacks, dastardly deeds and just plain lowdown actions. The fact that Tressel got busted just reinforces my belief that none of these coaches are clean in any capacity. So yeah, suspend him and erase the accomplishments of last season, it won't change anything. Just ask Auburn and USC.

NEXT

I am crushing this Twitter stuff. Absolutely owning it. As we speak, yours truly is kicking 100 followers in the ass. It may not be at Kanye levels, but it's something and sometimes something is better than nothing. Plus hashtags are fantastic.

NEXT

Anyone notice that baseball started? I KNOW I DID! I went so far as to go to Opening Day last week for my beloved (and 5-0) Cincinnati Reds! I got loaded with a bunch of Reds fans for the first time in almost eight years. It was beautiful. I will say that the Brewers would probably have won at least one game of that series had they switched back to their royal blue pinstriped uniforms. Those things were amazing. They were truly meant to be worn by someone who is on the verge of tossing his lunch due to beer bonging the entire Miller factory. The Astros, unfortunately, are dogshit regardless of which uniform they're rolling into in the morning. They suck.

This MLB season is going to be interesting. Early signs indicate that whereas last year was the (ugh) "Year of the Pitcher", this year will shape up to be the (ugh) "Year of the Hitter". So far their have been over twenty blown saves across the league. Twenty. That's bad. That means that there's a lack of quality closers out there, that bullpens are stripped down and that injuries are hurting everyone. Of course, we won't really know how things are panning out until about the thirty game mark for most teams, but right now you can bet your bottom dollar that the Red Sox will get better and that the Pirates will get worse.

NEXT

Anyone catch that college basketball championship game? You know, the one that had me thinking that I was watching a New York Liberty/Los Angeles Sparks game? Butler and UConn should give those fans their money back. That was maybe the worst display by two supposed "champion" teams I've seen in quite some time. Kemba Walker doesn't understand the haters that are ripping him on his Twitter. Well Kemba, let me tell you why people are hating on you:

1. Your team should've been beat and didn't deserve to win
2. Your team would've been beat by anyone who could shoot even thirty percent during a game
3. You entertained zero people outside of Connecticut, which is a state full of rich know it alls, criminals (Hartford) and worst of all....Yankees fans.

Also, Butler missed more shots than an anxious college freshman during rush week. Rimshot.

NEXT

Well, I'm in Ohio now. I moved here. New York City can suck it.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

A New Baseball Season Is Upon Us, I've Been Horribly Lazy

2011-02-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

It's February 24th, 2011 and I haven't updated this site in more than two months. There's an explanation (well, multiple explanations) for this lag, but going into it (them) would just take you, fair reader, down the rabbit hole of massive, eye fluttering depression. Just know that it's not you, it's me.

Let's recap a few things that have happened in the sports world since last we jawed:

1. The Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl

Yeah, I know, there are plenty of folks out there who think that this was a fantastic game. An instant classic.   I don't buy it. The referees were a little too one sided and that first half was a little too much of an abomination on the Pittsburgh Steelers' sideline for this to be anything more than a game that was a shit show up until the last five minutes, where it got mildly interesting. Would I be saying the same thing if the Steelers had won? Yes, because I hate the Steelers. I just happen to hate the Packers more.

2. There were a million trades and signings in Major League Baseball

Zack Greinke is now a Brewer, Cliff Lee is a Phillie once again, Adrian Gonzalez is a Red Sock and Carl Crawford is a...well, a Red Sock as well. Those are the big moves that happened this off season, but there were plenty of smaller ones that may have serious impact on this upcoming season. What's the biggest one, you ask? I'm gonna go ahead and say that the White Sox's acquisition of Adam Dunn is going to catapult them into the front runner role in the AL Central. The man was born to be a DH, and as a DH he will no longer be a logjam on the defensive end of things. More on baseball in a minute, but let's finish this recap first.

3. Carmelo Anthony is a New York Knick

Last night 'Melo made his debut for the Knicks and dropped 27 points on 10-25 shooting on the Bucks. Not bad, but not great either. The more important debut was that of his trade partner Chauncey Billups, who's 21 points and 8 assists instantly made Knicks fans forget the name Felton ever existed. I'm of the mind that we won't know the quality of this trade for some time. The Knicks gave up quite a bit of their young core of players (not to mention $3 million) to get Carmelo, and the rumors that Isiah Thomas was the ringmaster behind the deal does not bode well for the franchise's future. However, for at least one evening, the trade paid quality dividends. The Knicks will make the playoffs this year and may escape the first round, but the big ol' elephant-sized question in the room will, for me at least, be whether or not they couldn't have done the same thing without making this trade. My guess: probably.

4. I have become an unabashed Twitter addict

I'm live blogging everything from award shows to random thoughts that come to my head at four in the morning. I cannot be stopped. Yes, the twitter updates will relate to sports on a regular basis, but I've given up the ghost on only tweeting about these things. I'm going to be live blogging the Oscars this Sunday, for Christ's sake. Follow me @Victrola_Cola_1. And yes, I am a total fucking shill.

Okay, Let's roll forward like a fat guy in a potato sack race, shall we?

Baseball is soooo close. Can you feel it? I can feel it. This winter has been brutal in New York City. The sky has shit out more snow than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunday morning and at times it's been so cold that I've been forced to stop my testicles from booking plane tickets to California while I'm asleep more than once. Any decent American will look forward to baseball season just because it's baseball season, but this year there are so many interesting story lines that will keep even the marginal sports fans' attention. Let's name some:

1. The Phillies may have one of the best rotations in MLB history

I'm not gonna mince words, I hate the Phillies. That being said, is there anyone in either league that will be able to beat this rotation? Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt are brutal competition. You're gonna see a lot of analysts pick them to win the World Series this year and I can't rightly blame them. The only thing that can beat the Phillies is themselves at this point. Last year, their offense took a two month vacation in the middle of the season, and that very well may be the case once again this year. The only difference is that they'll have four pitchers in their rotation that can hold a one run lead almost every time out.

2. The Brewers are the most improved team in baseball

The addition of Zack Greinke almost immediately makes the Brew Crew the best team in the NL Central this year. I don't like saying that. I'm a Reds fan, but how can you talk shit about a team that added a bona fide ace to their staff and still retain one of the better offenses in baseball.

3. That being said, the Cincinnati Reds are still something to reckon with

There are always going to be plenty of 'ifs' with this team until they reel off two or three winning seasons in a row. This year the 'ifs' reside in the infield, the starting rotation and the middle relief. Paul Janish may be the starter of the future for the Redlegs, but the organization showed only marginal faith in him when they signed Edgar Renteria to be his back-up. All the Renteria signing should mean to Janish is that if he has a bad first month or two, his starting job will be a thing of the past.

The starting rotation will most likely be Edinson Volquez, Bronson Arroyo, Johnny Cueto, Travis Wood and Homer Bailey to start the season, but that could change immediately depending on the joint performances of Volquez and Bailey. Volquez has yet to show consistency since coming back from Tommy John surgery and though receiving the opening day start is quite a vote of confidence, there is no guarantee that his job will remain at the top of the rotation through the All-Star break, especially with Johnny Cueto quickly becoming an ace in his own right. This may be Homer Bailey's last stand with the Reds and one has to assume he knows it. Mike Leake won't be hanging around for long in the minor leagues and Homer has to realize that he's the weakest link thus far.

For better or worse, Francisco Cordero will be the Reds' closer once again this year. For better or worse, Nick Masset will be the 8th inning man, most likely sharing time with Aroldis Chapman.   When Masset is being used, Chapman will most likely be the seventh inning man along with a myriad of different guys. In that group you're definitely going to see Logan Ondrusek, Bill Bray and Jared Burton. You might also be seeing Dontrelle Willis and Jose Arrendo. It's almost like there are just too many guys to fill a small number of available spots. If there's someone to root for, it's gotta be Willis, who is an amazingly great person who has had such an unbelievably tough time getting back to his All-Star caliber performances of years past.

4. The Red Sox are probably going to destroy everyone

I almost puked after typing that. There's part of me that wishes that Bud Selig would just put the Yankees and Red Sox in their own division and let them hash it out all season long to make it into the playoffs so that we only have to see one of those teams with post season patches on their ball caps. Kind of like a 162-game series play-in-game. Anyways, yeah, the Red Sox got Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford and will most likely smoke everyone else in the AL East without blinking an eye. So be it.

5. But, The Orioles might be an interesting sleeper this year

The additions of Vlad Guerrero, Mark Reynolds and Derrek Lee to a lineup that already includes Nick Markakis Brian Roberts and Matt Wieters will make the O's offense something to reckon with, even if Luke Scott is batshit insane.   They're gonna have to score a fuck ton of runs though, because their pitching staff will once again be one of the worst in baseball. Outside of Jeremy Guthrie and Brian Matusz (who should probably be the opening day starter but isn't), the Orioles have a starting rotation that wouldn't even be competitive on most minor league teams.

6. The odds of the San Francisco Giants repeating are actually not too bad

Their amazing pitching staff is intact and for the most part the offense will be pretty much the same. You really can't count them out, especially when you consider they're still going to be coming out of the shithole that is the National League West.

7. Miguel Cabrera's alcoholism will either make the Detroit Tigers better or sink them

And yes, it is alcoholism. The man needs to either take a season off and go to rehab legitimately or retire...and go to rehab. Cabrera shouldn't be punished by Selig, but he should be pushed into a situation where he is forced to get help. So far his teammates have rallied around him, but through a 162-game season, this story is bound to wear on them. Only time will tell how the Tigers will respond to the pressure of being in a negative spotlight because of one player.

8. The Pujols conundrum is only going to get worse

Adam Wainwright's season being done is not only disastrous for this year's St. Louis Cardinals, it will also be disastrous for next year's and the year after that. Any hope the Cards had of bringing Albert Pujols back died with the fraying of Wainwright's ligament. It wasn't looking too hopeful as it was, considering the inexplicable incapability of St. Louis' ownership to make any legitimate effort at a contract extension this off season.   How do you not even make an effort? Anyways, Pujols will put up his usual numbers and will be a huge trade name at the deadline while he waits patiently to get a huge paycheck at season's end. I'm not gonna say that I'm gonna enjoy watching the Cardinals fail. But I'm totally gonna enjoy watching the Cardinals fail.

9. Bryce Harper is gonna get called an asshole a whole lot

He may be an outstanding prospect, but Bryce Harper is such an unbelievable asshat that he may make everyone forget that fact. This kid has his head stuck farther up his ass than O.J. Simpson on the trail of the real killers. He may hit the ball a ton, but he's gonna have to learn how to be humble if he's gonna get into the good graces of real baseball fans.

10. I'm moving back to Ohio

So you guys are all gonna get some first hand accounts of what it's like to be at Reds games this season. I'm psyched. You're psyched. We're all psyched.

Okay, that's all I got. Once again, I'll be live blogging the Oscars with my buddy Kevin Elliott over at World of Wumme as well as on my twitter account (@Victrola_Cola_1) this Sunday. Tune in for that. I'll probably make some great sports references and use colorful language to a fault. Fuckers.

Onward

- Terrence Adams

The NFL Sucks This Year, So Lets Talk About My Favorite Holiday Movies

2010-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Did anyone catch that Arizona Cardinals/San Francisco 49ers Monday night game? What a shit show. It was bad enough that everyone in the booth spent the majority of the broadcast sherkin' their jerkins over next Monday night's Jets/Patriots matchup but when you add in the depressing reality of how far the Cardinals franchise has fallen since their Super Bowl run it made watching the proceedings tantamount to witnessing someone etch their name into a wooden beam prior to hanging themselves.

This has been the resounding feeling for me throughout this NFL season. My team -- the Bengals -- are back to being a franchise that can't even lose in an interesting fashion, the Patriots are back to their "flys fucking" offensive schemes, Chris Johnson is legitimately human, Michael Vick can't even make the Eagles worth watching...I mean the list goes on. The only team that's at all worth rooting for is the Atlanta Falcons, because Matt Ryan is the next Peyton Manning and Roddy White is maybe the most underrated playmaker in the league. Plus they have cool uniforms.

Also, can I just quickly say that my fantasy football team is a goddamn nightmare? I'd like to personally thank Vernon Davis, Brandon Marshall, Zach Miller, Wes Welker and the Arizona Cardinals defense (bye week pick-up and subsequent drop) for roshambo-ing me into a fifth place spot and an almost definite first round playoff ousting. I'd also like to personally tell Ben Wills to eat a dick for picking up Peyton Hillis. You son of a bitch and your bullshit luck.

Anyways, in an effort to take my mind off of this borefest I've decided -- in the name of the holiday season -- to rank my five favorite holiday movies of all time. There's no real order to this, just five movies that I enjoy watching whenever this time of year rolls around.

THE BEST GODDAMN HOLIDAY MOVIES EVER

5. HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

When I was a kid going through puberty there were two movies that gave me my first crushes. One was Batman Returns with Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. She wore skin-tight patent leather for an hour and a half and purred a lot, I was mesmerized. The other was Home For The Holidays with Holly Hunter. It was those legs! Holy moly! And the fact that she was super pretty and down to earth and cursed and stuff! Anyways, I loved this movie for her down to earth hotness.

In recent viewings,however, I've come to love everything else about this movie (except for Dylan McDermott, because fuck that pretty boy). First of all, you've got Anne Bancroft just straight up owning the screen. Second of all, you've got a quite obviously HOPPED UP Robert Downey Jr. acting circles around everyone without ever really trying. You have to wonder how fucked up he was during the shooting of this movie. I've read stories, but you know it was probably way worse than what people are letting on. Third of all, Downey's character was a gay man who had just gotten married and his parents accepted him and were only angry that he refused to let them to close to his personal life. You also had a single mom story line that at times had very dark overtones. The only drawback to this movie is the bullshit copout romantic comedy ending that kind of cheapens the whole thing. Dylan McDermott didn't need to be there at all and only served as eye candy for all the female viewers.

There's some priceless one liners and over all this movie makes you both miss your family and loathe them at the same time. Annual watching is expected and deserved.

4. HOME ALONE

First of all, can you believe that this movie was made into a Nintendo game? I totally forgot about that. I remember renting it maybe one time and having the worst time ever. I always hated the fact that Nintendo pretty much just started putting out complete dogshit in its later years. For every RC Pro-Am there was a Battletoads, and that should never be forgotten.

However, as far as the Home Alone movie is concerned, if you don't at least feel the need to watch it every year then you're not really human and were never a child with fantasies about being the ultimate hero. I gotta be honest, I still laugh when Joe Pesci gets shot in the nuts with that bb gun. Totally worth it every time. I could honestly do without the overt Christian overtones, but whatever, it kinda works considering that there's so much violence in the movie. Also, you can't go wrong with a movie starring any SCTV alumi, especially when one of those alums is John Candy.

3. THE REF

Before Bad Santa there was The Ref. This was made back when Denis Leary wasn't so concerned with being taken seriously as a dramatic actor. Also, this was before Kevin Spacey was doing the things that made him Kevin Spacey. It's a film full of curse words and hilarious interplay between the main characters. Also, it doesn't copout at the end like Home For The Holidays did. These characters change, but only at gunpoint. Watching this makes me miss the days when Denis Leary was purely known as a rant comic. His talents overflow in this movie and I always seem to catch a new joke every time I watch it. My favorite line? When Leary is talking to Spacey's evil bitch of a mother, he has this quip about her dead husband, "Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hidin'." I've been waiting my whole life to use that line without being punched in the face.

2. NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION

Here lies the comedic career of Chevy Chase. Holy shit did he ever go downhill from this movie. Whether it be Vegas Vacation or Snow Day, Chevy Chase's last hurrah as a comedic actor was always going to be this movie. The timing is amazing, the adult themes are very adult and that fucking house lighting shit is amazing. It's disheartening that the National Lampoon's franchise hasn't made a film of this kind of quality in so long. I mean, really? We really have to sit through Van Wilder? That shit is the same reason Mad Magazine lost its luster. Comedy films lost the ability to be both intelligent and nasty at the same time. Ugh. Anyways, this is a Christmas staple for me and deserves a top five spot.

1. DIE HARD

Die Hard is not only the best Christmas movie ever made, but it's also the best action movie ever made. Period. I could watch this movie and only this movie for the rest of my life and I'd be entertained until my last breath. John McClain is an iconic figure in American cinema. Alan Rickman is the best villain ever and...well...Yippee Kay Yay Mother Fucker!

So there you go, a holiday movie list. It's better than whatever the hell is going on in the NFC West, right? Right.

Let me also say that college basketball is shaping up to be very, very competitive this year, especially in the Big Ten.

Let me also also also say that Cam Newton is a goddamn bitch. I hope Oregon wipes the floor with Auburn. I also hope that Ohio State makes the Sugar Bowl.

I also hope that all of you fine folks have a nice holiday season.

Onward.

-Terrence

Burnt Hands and Cold Feet, Part 2

2010-11-17T09:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'll let you in on how I'm choosing the writing order of the divisions. I wrote all six divisions down, put them in a box, shook the box, and let my cat, Todd, dive into the box and whatever division he comes out with is the one I write about. The only reason I bring this up is because it has created a major problem in that he is attacking me every time I get near anything resembling a box. So, to a feline, a laptop is similar enough to warrant a high alert reaction. As I am typing this, I have cuts on my wrists, bite marks one both hands, feet, and ankles, and am living in fear every moment. I have created a monster. My dog on the other hand, is barking at everything that passes across our back door. Seeing that it is autumn, and the leaves are being blown by the wind, I am finding it hard to achieve any semblance of peace and/or quiet. Where am I going with this? Fair question. Nowhere. Just a reminder that it is fall, which means Hot Stove action. Oh, and never give a cat executive privileges.

Today I drop it like it's hot on....the AL Central!!!

Chicago White Sox

I feel the need to always be up front and let you know that this is my team. I have been a White Sox fan since birth, and I am proud of it. So if it seems as if this is a more lengthy or in-depth analysis of the Sox (and these are the real Sox); it is.

This is the first offseason of the Kenny Williams era that Sox fans have absolutely no idea what Kenny is going to do. Usually, Kenny does something that is totally unexpected, but he tends to go into the offseason with some sort of plan and just happens to change it last minute. This year, no one can honestly say they know what Kenny Williams is going to do. Hell, it seems as if Kenny Williams doesn't know what Kenny Williams is going to do.

This team is teetering dangerously between a legit contender and in need of a "rebuild". Kenny has always maintained his desire to try to contend every single year, but this year there is more emphasis on such a declaration. Kenny cannot waiver this year. He can go young if he wants, and Sox fans will, at least for the most part, understand and get behind a young core of players that include Gordan Beckham, John Danks, Dayan Viciedo, and Chris Sale. But, if he decides this team is to contend in 2011, then he must go all in. There can be no in-between moves that keeps the White Sox solid for this year, next year, and the year after that. Chicago fans understand an 85 win team and lightening in a bottle won't make you consistent division favorites now or in the years to come. So, the biggest decision of this offseason for the White Sox is simple...what direction do we go?

If Kenny decides to go young, there won't be a lot of drama. A.J Pierzynski...he gone. Paul Konerko...he gone. Bobby Jenks...well...he was gone at about midseason last year.

But if Kenny decides to go for broke, and try to make a splash; well then, all Hell could break loose.

I firmly believe that Kenny Williams is going to take a long, hard look at Adam Dunn. Dunn represents the answer to the one glaring hole on the White Sox roster last year...left-handed power in the middle of the order.

The problem is that Dunn is already leery of signing on the South Side in part because he already knows the letters D and H would be attached to his name quite often. So, the real chances of Kenny landing his "big fish" via free agency goes out the window (assuming they have zero chance of signing Carl Crawford). So, then, Kenny does what he does best, which is wheel and deal.

About 2 weeks before Jake Peavy's muscle ripped from bone and Peavy's season was ended I had the feeling that Gavin Floyd was not long for a White Sox uniform. And to be honest, my feelings haven't wavered one bit on this subject. The fact that the Chi-Sox are trying to extend John Danks leads me to believe that are looking to shore up some young pitching to make some other young (or fairly young) and affordable pitching expendable. Enter Gavin Floyd. In 2009, Floyd signed a 4 year, $15 million extention, with a club option for 2013. This means affordable pitching under team control, and this is something a lot of teams are willing to part with bats for.

A Floyd based package for Prince Fielder or Adrian Gonzalez is not at all out of the question. But it's not just Floyd I expect to be a part of these deals, it's also Carlos Quentin. The Sox have to make a decision about whether Quentin replicate his 2008 MVP type performace, or if they should deal him while the coals are still hot. One of Williams' best traits is that he always seems to know when to pull the trigger on a player at the right time. And here, I can very easily see Kenny parting with Quentin in order to get a big return.

Also, don't count out something happening with any of the trio in Los Angeles. Kenny Williams has long been linked to Matt Kemp, James Loney, and Andre Either. It would not be a surprise to see Kenny maybe package Floyd, Quentin, and a prospect to land Matt Kemp, who has begun to wear out his welcome with the Dodgers. A fat chance in Hell? Yes. But it does kind of make sense.

One other name to watch via Chi-Sox trades: Colby Rasmus. Not sure exactly what St. Louis would want (Quentin would look fantastic hitting behind Albert Pujols), but the rumors have been swirling.

The White Sox would surely love to land the likes of Victor Martinez, and Adrian Beltre actually would fit the need of both a bat and glove desperately needed at the hot corner, but both figure to be out of Chicago's price range. The Sox seem to be posturing themselves for a run at Adam Dunn, and if that fails, well then let the bargain hunting begin. Adam Laroche would almost surely be targeted. Aubrey Huff, Lyle Overday, and Carlos Peña would all fit the bill as cheaper than Dunn left handed bats that could be plugged into the middle of the order. Johnny Damon is another possibility, but I just don't see the need of having another outfielder on the roster who doesn't have a lot of power and can't throw a lick (see: Juan Pierre). The only outfield left-handed option I could honestly foresee is Brad Hawpe, but that all depends on whether he is going to want an incentive based deal, which Williams would be more likely to suggest, or get paid upfront.

The only thing that is for sure, or at least close to it, is that Bobby Jenks is gone, and Rafeal Soriano is the main target. The Sox could let Matt Thornton become the starter, and try to fill his spot with someone along the lines of a Jason Frasor or Matt Guerrier.

Like I said earlier, Williams could go absolutely any direction this offseason and it would be hard to say one didn't see it coming.All anyone does know is that it is going to be a circus on the south side of Chicago this winter.

Cleveland Indians

Talk about an organizational mess. I haven't seen a mess this bad since I saw Taylor Swift's face in one of those Proactiv commercials.

Two of their best players can't stay healthy (Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore), they have the only closer in the Majors who when scouts say "He's lucky if he can keep it in the park," they are talking about the location of his fastball, their "best" prospect, Matt LaPorta, suddenly morphed into Michael Brantley, and their best player, Shin Soo Choo needs to win gold at the Asian Games just so his "gun" from right field is his arm and not a firearm the Korean military gave him.

Cleveland is not at all enjoying this rebuilding process, especially since they've watched former aces CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee make World Series appearances in back to back World Series. There is no sign of this team getting any better this offseason, but they could, and should be bold in some of their moves.

The Indians need bullpen pitching worse than Robin Williams needs a wax. Their bullpen was inconsistent and misses far too few bats to warrant the number of times they miss the strike zone. Big names won't find themselves on the Indians radar, but Mike MacDougal and John Rauch would give the Indians some relief as well as cost them nothing in terms of giving up picks.

Where Cleveland could get real creative is in their starting rotation. Fausto Carmona and Justin Masteson are two very good arms at the top of the rotation. If Cleveland throws in a name or two like Brandon Webb, Chris Young, Jarrod Washburn, or Vincente Padilla, then the rotation will at least be competitive. But a guy I see making a lot of sense would be someone like Aaron Harang. He most likely will be made available by the Reds (club option), and he is a guy who at one time was a top 20 pitcher in the NL. It might be worth a look to see if he has anything left in the tank.

As far as position players, expect them to only sign guys who are seeking opportunities to show they still have a lot left. Eric Chavez could be a real option here. Cleveland needs a 3rd baseman and Chavez was at one time one of the better 3rd basemen in the league. Chavez has recently showed a real interest in making a return to the field full time, and somewhere like Cleveland gives him a real opportunity.

Besides that, expect it to be very quiet in Cleveland this winter...that is until LeBron comes back into town.

Detroit Tigers

The Tigers are probably the most frustrating team in this division. On paper, they always seem as if they should be a front-runner for the division, or at least be in the race until the last day. The problem is, that's on paper. In 2009 when the Tigers were in the race until the final day, but they went ahead and blew a significant division lead and lost the division to the Twins in the end. Detroit is the consummate underachievers of the AL Central.

The problem with the organization is I find that Dave Dombrowski seems to want to make a big splash every offseason, but he sacrifices filling several of the teams holes in place of the 1 big piece. The Tigers have been rumored to be heavy after Adam Dunn, and while the addition of Dunn would surely give the Tigers the best 3-4 combo in the AL with Miguel Cabrera, the Tigers really don't need a big bat with a less than desired glove.

Where would they play Dunn? Would they platoon him at 1B and DH with Miguel Cabrera? Would they actually put him in that spacious outfield at Comerica Park? These questions are important, and all the further evidence that they should focus on the other big bats available this offseason, such as Victor Martinez, Carl Crawford, Jason Werth, and Adrian Beltre.

In my opinion, Crawford would make the biggest impact for Detroit, giving them a 5-tool player out in left field that could hit 2nd in the batting order behind Austin Jackson or hit 3rd in front of Miguel Cabrera. The intriguing thing about bringing either Martinez, Werth, and Beltre is that they would finally give Cabrera some real protection in the order. Dombrowski will have to figure out what is most important to this offense, and then how to supplement the rest of his needs in the line-up with mid leve free agents.

The Tigers' real challenge will be trying to fortify a pitching staff that has been marred by injury and inconsistency. They came to terms with Joaquin Benoit yesterday, which is a major move because Joel Zumaya has been one arm injury after the next. Benoit gives the Tigers a much needed arm in the back end of the bullpen, but I wouldn't be so content just to stop there if I was Detroit's GM. Adding someone else like Aaron Heilman or Mike MacDougal might go a long way to help ensure that this bullpen stays effective.

The starting staff, on the other hand, is the model of "looks good on paper" failures. Their rotation seems to have quality arms throughout, with Verlander being the clear cut ace of the staff, but the issue is that they can't seem to get enough consistency from guys like Armando Galarraga and Rick Porcello. Trying to bring in an innings eater like John Garland, who knows the benefits of pitching in a large ballpark, could prove beneficial and provide insurance if Porcello or Galarraga don't cut it in 2011.

I don't expect any major moves to their rotation for 2011, which would be a mistake, but as we have seen from the Tigers over the last few years, they are accustomed to making big moves turn into big mistakes. I don't see this winter being much different.

Kansas City Royals

A perennial basement dweller in the AL Central, the Royals are seeing no light at the end of the tunnel this offseason. They made a strong move to acquire Vin Mazzaro and Justing Marks from Oakland, but they got rid of quite possibly their best all around position player in David DeJesus in the deal. And to make matters worse, they are listening to offers for Zach Greinke, so any chance of competing in the next few years is becoming seemingly more fiction than fact.

Gil Meche has been a disappointment for the Royals, and they have made some moves to go younger in their rotation, trying to replicate the success of the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays. They don't have the pieces that the Rays had in 2008, but they are at least trying to make their small payroll work to the best of its abilities.

As far as any major moves, it will be more export than import. The Royals are sellers every year, and this offseason could be their most crippling clearance sale to date. Whether or not Kansas City gets anyone to give the return they want for Greinke is yet to be seen, but regardless of what the get back, it will still be a tough pill to swallow to get rid of the face of that franchise.

The Royals will merely be in the market for guys who simply couldn't sign anywhere else and could help benefit the development of the young players on the roster. They could be a landing spot for someone like Brandon Webb or Aaron Harang or any other arms that are looking to resurrect careers for a bargain price, but even the likelyhood of that seems minute for Kansas City.

It's kind of sad that George Brett is still the biggest star in the park any time he shows up to a Royals game. Kansas City will do nothing to change this perception this winter. They just better hope that this winter brings enough cold to freeze Hell. Then, and only then, will they have a chance in 2011.

Minnesota Twins

Does it even matter what moves this team makes anymore. Every time they lose a player to injury or free agency, there is another player in the organization just waiting to step in and produce. The Twins are the best model of what an organization truly is. And being a White Sox fan, this is annoyingly impressive.

Last year the Twins landed themselves a bargain gem with Jim Thome, and they are hoping to retain his services even though, while the sentiment is mutual, the price so far has not been. The one thing the Twins weren't lacking last year was left handed power. With Thome, Kubel, Mauer (I will count doubles power as power), and before he got knocked out for the season with a concussion, Justin Morneau. And with guys like Michael Cuddyer, Delmon Young, and Danny Valencia, this team's offense is no need of an immediate makeover. The starting rotation, well, that's another story.

Francisco Liriano established himself as a legitimate ace who has fully recovered from his Tommy John surgery a few years ago, so depth might be more important than big names, but Minnesota could find themselves going after some of the biggern name pitchers on the market anyway. You can pretty much count the Twins out of the Cliff Lee sweepstakes, but Jorge De La Rosa should be someone they at least test the market on. If he signs elsewhere, then pitchers like Brad Penny and Kevin Millwood have some real attraction. The key, though, to the Twins staff, is retaining Carl Pavano. Since Pavano became a Twin, he's been both consistent and a horse, pitching 221 innings last year. If they can retain Pavano, add another quality arm, and keep everyone healthy, Minnesota would become a real AL World Series contender.

The key to the Twins offseason is more patchwork than big fish. If Thome and Orlando Hudson, both free agents, cut ties with the Twins, expect the Twins to make moves on someone like Jason Werth. And if Werth proves to be too pricey, then Vlad Guerrero or Magglio Ordonez could be adequately priced bats to plug in the line-up.

With Matt Guerrier and John Rauch both free agents, and Joe Nathan's timetable for a return still uncertain, they Twins will have to keep tabs on their pen to make sure it doesn't get decimated this offseason. They would most likely prefer to retain Rauch and Guerrier, but if they defect, then Minnesota's target could be J.J. Putz. Not only would it give them more insurance by bringing in another possible closer, and a great 8th inning arm at the least, it would also hurt their AL Central rival, the Chicago White Sox.

Whatever the Minnesota Twins decide to do this offseason, one would be smart to put money down that things will work out well in Minnesota. If they happen to make any big splashes, then you might as well punch their ticket to the ALCS, where they will promptly get swept by the New York Yankees.

-Ben Wills

Burnt Hands and Cold Feet: Hot Stove Talk as I Look at Each Division in Baseball and Their Offseason Potential

2010-11-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

Baseball is the best sport in the world because its offseason if often as riveting, if not more, as the actual season. The NFL's offseason is a lot of guys past their prime looking for 2nd chances, the NHL has 34 year old players getting 14 year deals, and the NBA is more or less guys changing teams just because they like the prospects of their jersey sales in that city. But Major League Baseball has by far the most exciting and meaningful downtime. So over the course of the next few days, I will be taking a look into each of the MLB's 6 divisions, and looking at what each team should do over the next 3 months.

First up....the AL West!!!!

Los Angeles Angels:

This team has enjoyed dominance over this division, taking the top spot 5 of the last 7 years. 2010 was a strange year for Los Angeles as they were riddled with injuries and inconsistent play, but it will mostly be known for how they postured themselves very well for 2011 by acquiring Dan Haren from the Arizona Diamondbacks. It was a bold move for a team that was as far out of the race as L.A. was at the time, but it was smart. L.A. gave themselves a top line pitcher who is under team control through 2013 to go along with Jered Weaver, Joel Pinero, Ervin Santana, and Scott Kazmir to form a pretty formidable starting 5 rotation.

So L.A. will most likely look to add a bat such as Carl Crawford or Adrian Beltre. It seems as though L.A. has finally given up hope that Brandon Wood will ever amount to what they once thought he would be, and Beltre would be able to not only give them some pop in the middle of the order, but Beltre is also a slick fielder over at the hot corner. Crawford would be the even bigger fish providing the Angels with several different lineup options with just his bat alone. Both will be pricey, but L.A. has money to spend and an owner who won't shy away from spending money if he thinks it will be well spent.

The Angels must also use some of their available money on bullpen arms. Los Angeles, who once had one of the most dominant bullpens in the game with Francisco Rodriguez and Scott Shields, saw a much more ineffective and frustrating performance from it's bullpen last year. The Angels coverted only 39 of 56 save opportunities last year, and traded their closer Brian Fuentes to Minnesota towards years end. Rafael Soriano, Kevin Gregg, and Kerry Wood are all obvious options, but look for L.A. to possibly get creative and find a cheaper option such as J.J. Putz or Joaquin Benoit to become their new 9th inning man, or they could stay in house and give the job to Fernando Rodney. But they would be doing themselves a disservice if they didn't add depth beyond just a closer. Matt Guerrier, John Rauch, and Chan Ho Park are just a few of the pitchers that would make sense in L.A.

The bottom line is the Angels want to climb back atop the AL West. The good thing for them is this is their best chance to do so in just one offseason.

Oakland A's

This team already is my pick to be the surprise contender in the AL next year. With young arms like Gio Gonzalez, Dallas Braden, Trevor Cahill, Brett Anderson, and Justin Duchscherer in their rotation, it smells a lot like the days of Zito, Hudson, and Mulder in Oakland. And the A's bullpen is pretty solid as well, so I don't see much reason for them to address pitching, unless it's to add depth in the pen. But while they have an abundance of pitching, they produce the power of a 3rd world country. They were 2nd to last in home runs last year with 109, only to see their division mates the Mariners produce fewer long balls in the AL.

The A's are going to be very active in obtaining some sticks this offseason, and I am standing firm in my opinion thatOakland is the darkhorse to land Adam Dunn, and I feel they will land him. I don't know why, but Dunn to Oakland just makes a lot of sense. The Athletics lack power of any sort, except for Jack Cust, and they for some reason have soured on Cust over the past 2 years. Oakland might be willing to hide Dunn somewhere in the outfield, but Dunn most likely would be a significant upgrade over Daric Barton who has yet to show any kind of legit big league power.

If the A's swing and miss on Dunn (cruel joke), some back up options would likely be Brad Hawpe, Nick Johnson, Troy Glaus, and Lance Berkman, with whom they've already been linked to in recent days.

If the A's pull the right strings during this offseason via trades (like the dandy they just made for outfielder David DeJesus) and free agency, they very well could be the early favorite to be the Major's surprise team of 2011.

Seattle Mariners

I would say they took offense back to the 1930's in 2010, since they managed only 101 home runs, but the problem is that they also struck out the 2nd most times in the AL, only to be outdone by the swing happy Tampa Bay Rays. This was not an all-or-nothing offense, but rather just a nothing offense.

Seattle's 2010 season was horrific. They were many people's pick to win the AL West, a group in which I'm included, only to fall Evel Knievel-esque short of expectations. The additions of Chone Figgins and Milton Bradley fell flat, and although they added Justin Smoak to their lineup mid-season, they had to give up Cliff Lee to do so.

The Mariners have a lot of issues they need to clean up, so I'll start with the obvious ones. They need bats. They need bats that can make contact. One of the more disturbing stat lines is that Russell Branyan had 25 home runs last year...and only 57 RBI's!!!! That's a lot of solo trips around the base paths.

They could use a 3rd baseman, but I don't see Adrain Beltre coming back any time soon, and I don't see Seattle ponying up the money to brind a guy like that in. Instead, I see Seattle looking at maybe a Pedro Feliz or a Jorge Cantu. Both would be much more inexpensive than a Beltre type and could potentially provide a pretty decent upside.

Another option for a low risk-high reward signing could come if they entertain a player such as Andruw Jones. Jones would bring little to the table in terms of consisten contact, but he did show very acceptable power and can still drive in runs, something the Mariners need badly.

Don't be too surprised if Seattle doesn't also entertain the idea of guys such as Hank Blalock, Hideki Matsui, Vlad Guerrero, and Jason Giambi.

Seattle wouldn't mind grabbing some arms for both their rotation and their bullpen. They won't land any big names like Cliff Lee or Rafael Soriano, but it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to see them pick up names like Kevin Millwood, John Garland, or Rich Harden, and again they could go the cheap low risk-high reward route with someone like a Brandon Webb or Chris Young. The likes of Kelvin Escobar, Mike MacDougal, Will Ohman, Arthur Rhodes, and Octavio Dotel could be viable options to solidify their bullpen.

The Mariners most likely won't succeed in a worst to first renovation this offseason, but it would be nice to see the franchise put some pieces around Felix Hernandez and Ichiro to make their efforts more meaningful over the next couple of years.

P.S. We will all miss Dave Niehaus. Another of the games great voices.

Texas Rangers

Coming off a World Series runner up season, the Texas Rangers should appear as if they are comfortable with their teams position heading into the offseason. Problem is, they are going to have to outbid the Yankees to maintain the services of Cliff Lee. It's not as if losing Lee would be the end of the world, but it certainly would leave a glaring hole at the top of their rotation.

The simplest answer is that the Rangers play off their World Series trip, new ownership, headed by pitching ledgend Nolan Ryan, the promise that Ranger fans will never spit on his wife and call her names, and land Lee for somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 years $115 million. But there is a realistic chance that the Yankees will go above and beyond that offer, and Lee will have to decide if dignity or money is more his thing.

If Lee opts for money, then the Rangers would most likely look in the direction of Jorge De La Rosa to front the rotation with C.J. Wilson and Colby Lewis. De La Rosa would be a significant downgrade from Lee, but with De La Rosa in the rotation, Texas would bolster a strong, solid rotation to go along with their fantastic offense. Alternatives to Lee and De La Rosa would be John Garland, who being a fly ball pitcher might have some problems at the Ballpark in Arlington, Brad Penny, or they could take chances on the likes of a Jeff Francis or a Brandon Webb.

They very well could look to make a move via the trade route. Putting together a package to go after Zack Greinke would be very tough, but would make a lot of sense for Texas.

As far as offense, this team doesn't need much more. They have possibly the best middle of the order in baseball with Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz, and Michael Young, but they would like to retain the services of Vlad Guerrero. If Vlad takes a contract elsewhere, the Rangers could make a play for someone like Magglio Ordonez, or Johnny Damon. And don't think that they wouldn't at least entertain possibly bringing in Jim Thome to help bolster their power production.

Their have been rumors that Texas may look to bring in a power hitting first baseman, such as Paul Konerko, but I have a hard time seeing them discard Mitch Moreland after the way he played in the postseason. But if they do decide to go with someone besides Moreland at first, or decide to let go of Guerrero and bring in someone to platoon with Moreland in a 1B/DH situation, I would be more confident in the Rangers bringing in players along the lines of Derrek Lee, or Lance Berkman, who could be signed for significantly lower than Konerko and still have the potential to give similar numbers.

The Texas Rangers will be looking to duplicate what they did this year and get back to the World Series, but they will not be able to stand pat and receive the same results.

The AL West should provide some interesting maneuvering in the next few month. Bust out the Will Smith albums, cause it's gonna be the wild wild west this winter.

-Ben Wills

Kevin Garnett is an A**hole

2010-11-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, I looked into it. Calling someone an asshole isn't considered insensitive. No one's ever died from being an asshole. Well, Saddam Hussein, but that's a slightly more complicated case. So yeah, I'm going to say it. Kevin Garnett...you, sir, are a real, mean-muggy, bitchy, never committed a foul, double-double scoring ASSHOLE.

And honestly, I felt this way even before you went and called Charlie Villanueva a "cancer patient". And yes, we all saw the "that's not what I said" phony press release coming. That's just typical PR stuff. Let's be honest, you've had a history of being a trash talker who runs his mouth way too much (remember how you were injured in the 2009 1st round series against the Bulls, and you waited until your Celtics finally had game 7 in the bag safely, then started talking shit from the end of the bench. True class.) You're the poster child for why the league had to pass a rule to keep kids from coming to the NBA straight out of high school. The older you've gotten, then less maturity you've displayed. You're a classless individual that plays a sport, and more importantly plays in a league, that protects and glorifies classless individuals, so that's probably why you're going to get away with calling Charlie Villanueva a "cancer patient".

No one in their right mind really believes Charlie Villanueva "misheard" you saying "you're a cancer to your team and our league" for "Hey, you look like a cancer patient", or "You're a cancer patient". I'm not stupid, and I Charlie Villanueva isn't stupid enough not to understand the difference between the implication of what he heard and what you're telling him he heard. It's insensitive any way you shape it up. You know how many people are diagnosed with cancer, let alone those who die from it, and your just going to throw that word around as if it means nothing to you? Hell, I had cancer. Albeit a minor form of skin cancer which was benign, but that still doesn't take back the 60 plus stitches I had in my back for 2 weeks. That shit hurt.

But what has really been sad is the aftermath of this incident...nothing. People are actually coming to your defense. ESPN (which was predictable) has had your back throughout the whole thing, because you're part of their "brand" and they won't dare bash anything that represents that brand. They keep refering to what you "supposedly" or "may or may not have" said. Someone farts in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, and Ed Werder has unnamed sources telling him what that person ate and what it smelled like, but now all of the sudden they don't know which way is up and who said what. Seems convenient.

But even worse than that was that Doc Rivers is saying that Charlie Villanueva broke "an unwritten rule" and shouldn't have went public with what you said on the floor.

Wait, what? This is baffling to me. Let me pose this scenario and see if Doc Rivers still thinks this rule applies. Paul Pierce drives the lane against the Los Angeles Clippers, and Chris Kaman comes over and swats Pierce's layup 10 rows deep into an empty Staples Center. Kaman turns to Pierce and yells, "Get that weak shit out of here, (N-Bomb)!" Is Doc Rivers still saying that what is said on the floor should stay on the floor? I doubt it. And it shouldn't stay on the court if it crosses the line of insensitivity and becomes too personal. And what you said KG, and yes you said it, so stop trying, was grossly insensitive and far too personal to a lot of people. But it wasn't insensitve to just cancer patients and cancer survivors and all those who have passed away from cancer, but to Charlie Villanueva. He has overcome a disease that I'm sure has tested his self confidence and is something I would bet he has been ridiculed for ever since he began to lose all the hair on his head. And through it all, he's persevered with more class than you have or ever will have.

So Doc, and ESPN, and you KG, and everyone trying to make this seem like it's not a big deal, I have a different take (thanks Jim Rome). Instead of pointing fingers about unwritten rules and players keeping what is said on the court (for some reason I feel I must stress this again, but that logic for this incident is so dumb), maybe they should just not say anything at all. Maybe they should worry about playing. Worry more about who should rotate down to the low-post on the helpside than who has can call someone's mother a whore after a meaningless 15 footer in the last 2 minutes of a 20 point blowout.

This league has become, as Kyle Wills recently wrote, a form of entertainment, and hardly a sport. Let's try to get back to it being a sport.

So at the end of the day, when this gets swept under the rug, I will still be here, holding firm to my opinion that Kevin Garnett is and always will be a true asshole.

-Ben Wills

Who's Worth $400 Million And Likes The Feeling Of A Bat On Their Shoulder? Also, World Series Predictions!

2010-10-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

The answer to the above question is...Ryan Howard and Alex Rodriguez! Ha! That's right! The two highest paid douchebags on both the Phillies and the Yankees couldn't swing at 3-2 pitches to save their seasons! What a bunch of losers.

Seriously though, Ryan Howard, how do you not swing at that pitch? Especially when you haven't been getting that call ALL SERIES? Yeesh, way to be, Ry-Ry, way to fuckin' be. Of course, it didn't help that the rest of your supposedly vaunted offense was hitting like a bunch of little leaguers.  That being said, at least your team competed in every game, which is something the Yankees couldn't quite grasp. Along with A-Rod and Teixera the Yankees posted a sparkling .201 team batting average to go along with a combined 6.58 pitching staff ERA. In case you were wondering, those are not good numbers, especially when the Rangers posted a .304 batting average and a 2.76 ERA to match them. They just straight up got outplayed in every aspect.

The Giants and Phils, on the other hand, were very evenly matched, with the absence of the Philadelphia offense the only real difference maker outside of a gentleman I'll bring up in a bit. The pitching was, as expected, amazing on both sides, with Jonathan Sanchez being the only exception. The only man the Phillies pitching staff didn't have an answer for was...drum roll please...CODY ROSS!! I totally called that shit and I want recognition for it. He earned every bit of that NLCS MVP trophy and was the main x-factor in the Giants making it to the World Series.

So, yeah, Rangers vs. Giants, the World Series that baseball fans wanted to see. I would have shot myself if the Yankees and Phillies would have faced off again.  Just unwatchable dreck. Now we get two hungry up and comers who are looking to win their first titles in franchise history. Howabout that?

On to the prediction...

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Texas Rangers vs. San Francisco Giants

Did you know that one man has already won a World Series ring this year? That man? Bengie Molina. Since he was traded to the Rangers from the Giants in the middle of the season, he will recieve a ring from whichever team takes the taco in the end. What a lucky bastard.

The rest of these guys, however, will have to work for it.

The Texas Rangers will have the upper hand entering the the series based solely upon the fact that they have the much more potent offense.  They can, at any time, create runs up and down the lineup. This is where the Giants having home field advantage comes into play, because at the very least they'll have four games where they can remove Vlad Guerrero from the DH spot and limit him to pinch hitting responsibilities. Of course, you still have to face Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young and Bengie Molina, so good luck taking a gasp of relief. The Giants are gonna have a lot of trouble keeping up on the scoreboard, considering the strength of the Rangers' pitching staff, which was led not by Cliff Lee in the ALCS, but by Colby Lewis, who pitched an absolute gem in game 6. You'll also be seeing C.J. Lewis and Tommy Hunter, who at times made the mighty Yankees look meek and may make the Giants at times anemic offense look downright childish.

However.

If there's a lesson that should have been learned by now, it's that you would be insane to count out these Giants in these playoffs. They've been underdogs from the beginning and have somehow managed to pull out victory after victory by the skin of their teeth, winning 6 of 7 games this postseason by one run. Their starting pitching has been the main reason behind their success, keeping them hanging around until somebody steps up into the hero role. So far, that hero has been Cody Ross, but if anybody else finds their bat in the World Series, we could have ourselves a quality matchup.

As far as predictions go, I hate having to make one. Both of these teams deserve to be here and they both got here by plowing through teams that I hate. In the end, however, good pitching always, always, always beats good hitting, and the Giants have a pitching staff that rivals no one in these playoffs. On top of that, the Giants just faced the second best pitching staff in the playoffs in their last series. They're on a roll, and they know how to scratch out runs in tough conditions. I hate to see either team lose, but someone has gotta win.

Giants in 7

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

Technical Difficulties

2010-10-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

I applaud the NBA. I seldom applaud the NBA, but today, I applaud them. Literally: I’m clapping with one hand and typing with the other.

The NBA has echoed Howard Beale: “[They’re] mad as hell, and [they’re] not going to take this anymore.”

The zero-tolerance backtalk policy, the rule change causing much ado in the preseason, happened because it had to. As of 2003, by my count, no NBA player was—according to the guilty party—actually guilty of committing any rules infractions. Ever.

How dare the refs blow the whistle on anyone?

Think about this: Kevin Garnett was recently ejected from a preseason game for arguing a foul call. Now, I want you to go view the infamous Allen Iverson “practice video” and simply exchange every utterance of practice with preseason. It’s PRESEASON and some jag-bags are arguing. In fact, the NBA Players Union is planning to file a grievance.

The UMWA fought for safety protections (for decades mining reigned supreme as the most dangerous job in the U.S.) and living wages (living in its strictest sense). Mother Jones led the Children’s Crusade* so seven year olds didn’t spend twelve-hour days in textile mills. Cesar Chavez and his UFW grape pickers struck for the discontinuation of toxic pesticides that were toxic to…you guessed it…grape pickers. Billy Hunter, executive director of the NBAPA, is filing a grievance because his players can’t complain or gesticulate displeasure with quite the demonstrative panache they’re used to.

Start smelting the bronze, we’re gonna need a statue.

Basketball is by far the most subjectively officiated game on the planet. (Don’t even start with the baseball strike zone argument. For one, there’s only one HP umpire per game. The pitchers/batters have to adjust to one strike zone. Ask any manager, player, or fan for that matter, and the general consensus will be as long as it’s the same strike zone for everybody… Besides, the no-arguing-balls-and-strikes rule has been in place for a while now, and you know what? It works. There’s haggling around the dish from time to time and plentiful harangues from the dugout, but the game moves forward.) In the NBA, fouls differ according to where the players are standing on the court. Twenty-three feet from the basket, hand-checks are frequently whistled. Four feet from the basket, second degree manslaughter is ignored.

Likewise, after a quarter or two of letting the players play, referees frequently make mid-game decisions to tighten up the game. And of course, at the end of a game—unless you’re Hue Hollins—only bulldogs and piledrivers are prohibited.

Still worse, rookies are not given the same protections as vets under NBA rules. It’s one of the many unwritten rules, but it’s true. Superstar vets can get slapped with up to 5 fouls, then they suddenly don an invisibility cloak for the remainder of the game. Meanwhile, non-superstars have to abide by the 6 strikes you’re out policy.

I pity NBA refs. I really do. I’ve always felt that the only way the games can be fair is to either give Draco a crack at the rule book, or give the game over to streetball rules. It’s one of those rare cases wherein seeking moderation makes something worse. It’s call everything, or call nothing. A fair game of basketball will be one refereed to the outer edges of the rule spectrum.

Actually…possibly…maybe…there is a third option.

Don’t change a thing. Keep the rules as they’ve been. See to it that a charge for LeBron is a blocking foul against Reggie Evans. Make sure a clean steal for Rip Hamilton is a reach against Luther Head. Guarantee that a punch to Brad Miller’s face is only a two-shot foul and not a flagrant against Rondo. But come clean. Own up to what you’ve been. Own up to what you are. Change the league name to the NBSEA, the National Basketball Sports Entertainment Association. Hand out belts instead of trophies. Script the histrionics so the fans know who to root for (Oh wait, ESPN instructs the world on this on a nightly basis). But just own up to it. Admit that the game exists to aid (and abet) the chosen few and to propitiate the highlight-reel seekers.

But for now, I’m just glad I won’t have to watch pouty-faced bitching for 48 minutes a night.

NBA, I’m giving you a “T”. But this “T” is for Thank You.
/slow clap

*Not to be confused with the ill-fated attempts by Christian children of France and Germany to take Jerusalem back for team Jesus.

-Kyle Wills

Ben Wills Is A Total Knob And The Reds Season Is Over But The Playoffs Aren't: Second Round MLB Playoff Predictions

2010-10-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, the goddamn fucking Reds got goddamn fucking swept, and what more should I have expected? It was amazing to see how every weak point that the 2010 Reds had showed up all at once during a string of three horrifyingly disappointing and depressing games.

Our hitting committed suicide, our fielding took a gigantic runny shit all over the field and...well...don't even get me started on Marty Brennaman and Jeff Brantley. Seriously, don't.

Don't get me wrong, Ben Wills is not wrong in saying that Roy Halladay's no-hitter was a truly beautiful thing to watch, but that's still not gonna stop me from hoping he gets into a major car accident and is fileted from stem to stern. Or at least that he gets punched in the face by a professional boxer.

Ugh. You know what, though? It was a fitting way for the Reds to re-enter the playoffs after fifteen years.

Fuck Jonny Gomes and Orlando Cabrera. Right in the ear.

And now, onto this:

YOUR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SECOND ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

NLCS: San Francisco Giants vs. Philadelphia Phillies

First off, let me get this out of the way: FUCK THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES. MAY THEIR ENTIRE FRANCHISE ROT IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL.

Ahem...

Okay, so what we're going to see here in this series is pitching, pitching, pitching. Lincecum vs. Halladay, Oswalt vs. Cain, Hamels vs. Sanchez...I mean you really can't get much better than that. I think both of these offenses are going to have to learn how to play sudoku before this series is over.

If there's a team that has the best chance, however, I think you have to give the edge to the Giants. Their offense is built for pitchers duels. They are scrappy and have unexpected power up and down the lineup. Cody Ross is maybe one of the most underrated players in baseball and Andres Torres maybe one of the best lead off hitters left in the playoffs (fuck you, Jeter). The Phils have power and Victorino is one of the most frustrating match-ups for any pitcher, but the Giants rotation is full of guys that aren't just 'any pitcher', these are all high calibur hurlers who would be number ones or twos on any rotation in the bigs. You know what else? Oswalt looked mighty fallible during his start against the Reds, which should serve as a worrisome sign to Charlie Manuel, as the Giants aren't likely to commit four errors and pretty much gift wrap a Phils win (GODDAMNIT!). Halladay may win his start, but Oswalt is no guarantee at home and Hamels pitching away in San Francisco is a crapshoot. That ballpark they got out there is a voodoo worshippers dream. Balls careen left and right off the outfield walls and infield is notoriously fast. I wouldn't be surprised to see Chase Utley sobbing in the fetal position at the end of their first game there.

Regardless, yeah these are both really good teams that deserve to be where they are, but I think that the Giants are looked at as the 'scrappy underdog' so much so that analysts seem to be forgetting that they have a roster full of veterans, aces and all around all-star level talent. They'll take this series.

Giants in 6

ALCS: New York Yankees vs. Texas Rangers

Dear Minnesota Twins,

Why on earth do you even try to get to playoffs if you're going to play like third graders every time you get there? You had chances to win each and every game of that sweep and instead decided that you didn't deserve it and let each and every game slip through your fingers. You're more disappointing than the Reds because you actually BEAT the good teams all year. You are a sad franchise and your new stadium does nothing to change that fact.

Love,

Terrence

Now, I hate the Yankees more than any other franchise in baseball. I hate that they have the luxury to pay players whatever they want, I hate that they hold this above every other team's ability to build a solid roster through free agency, I hate that they have a grooming code and I hate that they think their storied history is some kind of benchmark for them being obnoxious and entitled. Their fans are a bunch of fuckwads and their new stadium is actually worse than the decades old one they tore down. They also fucked the city of New York out of millions. I hate this team, I hate each and every player (outside of Curtis Granderson, who is a good guy) and I hate Joe Girardi's braces.

That being said, this is going to be a good match-up against the Rangers. Texas managed to do to the Rays offense what teams had been doing to the Rays all season, just straight up out pitch them. Cliff Lee dominated, C.J. Wilson dominated more and Colby Lewis held his own. When you add Tommy Hunter to that mix, this Texas team is primed to keep these Bronx Brombers off the bases.

Now, of course the Yankees rotation is no joke either, but each one of them outside of CC Sabathia has been questionable down the stretch, with A.J. Burnett being the worst offender. If Hughes, Pettitte or Burnett have a melt down, that means that the Yanks are gonna have to rely on their terrible bullpen, which is oh so terrible. Rivera can't pitch three innings for three games in a row, Joe Girardi. He just can't.

Oh yeah, and the hitting. These teams are good at that too, but the Rangers' lineup looked damn near unstoppable versus the Rays. I expect that trend to continue.

Rangers in 7

I was 2-2 in the first round. I expect to be 2-0 in this one.

onward.

- Terrence Adams

Throwing the Reds a Curveball: The Best Pitching Performance I Have Ever Seen

2010-10-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

This post is undoubtedly going to piss Terry off. It potentially could initially make him vow never to talk to me again, because to be quite frank, it's kinda shitty to throw this in his face less than 24 hours later. But all in all, Terry should actually be happy about what I have to say. It should make him feel a lot better about rooting for the only team in the playoffs that is still hitless. What I have to say is...Roy Halladay's performance last night was the greatest pitching performance I have ever seen in my life.

Now, let me state this clearly. It was the best piece of pitching I've ever seen. Was it the best "stuff" I've ever seen? Not really. Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez have put in performances which I was lucky enough to view in which their "stuff" was impossible to surpass, and even (and I hate to say this, truly I do) Kerry Wood's 20 strikeout performance exhibited pure "stuff" that was breathtaking and left me awestruck. But what Roy Halladay did last night was pitching, PITCHING, at it's apex.

Don't get me wrong, Halladay's "stuff" was nothing to scoff at. In fact, he had exceptional stuff last night. His sinker was driving downward hard in the last 15 to 10 feet, he had precise command of his curveball, his change-up looked identical to his fastball out of his hand, and his fastball, both 4 seam and his cutter, were thrown with pinpoint control, and at 91-94 mph thrown with enough velocity to slip past the Reds hitter's bats. But, his stuff wasn't over the top unhittable. Instead, what made him so unhittable was how he took all 4 (5 if we are counting the 4 seam and cutting his fastball as 2 different pitches) and pieced them together. It was the beauty of turning pitching from science to art. Showing that it's not what "stuff" you have, but rather how you use it.

I watched all 104 pitches Halladay threw, and while there is nothing scientific here and I'm doing this off the top of my head, I can remember Halladay making roughly about 6 or 7 "bad" pitches. Meaning, after watching where the catcher set up then seeing what pitch was thrown, Halladay only missed the intended location on about a handful of pitches. Even his 1 walk, which was the only thing standing between a no-hitter and a perfect game, was a thing of beauty. The entire at-bat Halladay was attempting to get the free swinging and oft missing Jay Bruce to chase pitches out of the zone, and he almost suceeded. The count worked to 3-2 and Bruce was able to lay off a cutter down and in, but the entire at bat Halladay seemed in control, even getting Bruce to flinch slightly at the last pitch. As a former pitcher and a pitching aficionado, I relished in what I was watching.

This was the type of masterful work that should be studied. I think any kid age 18 and under should sit down and watch the tape of Halladay's night and study pitching. To use an English comparison, a book like "No Country For Old Men" is great for it's raw nature and unabashed, in-your-face style, much like a pitcher with a great fastball slider combo, whereas Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" is more delicately crafted, each sentence having a seemingly significant meaning, everything with a purpose all leading towards the climax, much like Halladay's gem. Both lead to greatness, but crafty is more consistently amazing than gut-wrenching brutality. The explosive fastball-slider combo can be there on rare given nights, but what Halladay did was take the stuff he has almost every single night, and craft a gem for the ages.

At one point, around the 4th inning, I thought to myself, "He's working hard in, and soft away." And he was pounding his fastball in on hitters hands and working his off-speed pitches away, keeping hitters off balance. But no sooner did I say that, Halladay flipped the switch, a plot twist of sorts (cheesy, I know), and began pounding his sinker down, occasionally mixing in off-speed stuff to keep the Reds off balance, and only working hard up in the zone to put guys away. He changed how he was pitching in the middle of the game, and was still effective in every aspect of his game. He switched from getting hitters to think East-West (in-out), to getting them to focus North-South (up-down). It was unfair to be honest. And just when that pattern became clear, Halladay began to work backward, throwing off-speed stuff early to get hitters on their toes and out front. Then, by about the 8th, he had the Reds so off balance that, not to sound to cocky, I knew a no hitter was almost inevitable. He had everything working with perfect command, perfect timing, with perfect anticipation, and perfect imagination.

My old baseball coach in college(that prick) never understood that pitching was an art, not a science. Now I have the tape to show him exactly what I meant. Halladay constructed one of the most beautiful pitching performaces possibly in basebally history, and definitely in my lifetime.

So, Terry, as hard as it is to swallow (and you swallow a lot), look at it this way; your team got beat by the greatest pitching performance of my lifetime, and possibly ever. And they're still down just 1-0 in the series.

But they still don't have a hit.

-Ben Wills

The Cincinnati Reds: A Season in Review...Round One Playoff Predictions

2010-10-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

The Cincinnati Reds are National League Central Division champions. It has been fifteen long years since those words could leave the mouths of fans in the Queen City. Fifteen years. The last time the Reds made the playoffs I, your humble author, was 13 years old. You know what it was like being 13? I hope so because I sure as shit don't. I can barely remember what the 1995 team was like to watch. I remember that Barry Larkin was a beast and that Ronny Gant had a career year. I also remember that I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, so take from that what you wish.

Anyways, yeah, fifteen years. What a long road it has been. From Pokey Reese to Eric Milton to Ken Griffey Jr. to Scott Hatteberg, the Reds have, at times, been absolutely brutal to watch. I for one had sworn them off more than once over the last ten years. Not this year. This year was different from the word 'go'. With the addition of Aroldis Chapman to the departure of Willy Taveras, I knew that something was brewing. Our young players, our future, began showing their mettle. They made this team fun to follow again. Joey Votto (who goddamn well better win the NL MVP) had more than a breakout season. He became a superstar in front of our eyes. Drew Stubbs and Jay Bruce, who both struggled during the month of July, worked through adversity and provided an offensive and defensive push in August that guaranteed our victory in the central. Our pitching was rickety at times, but our starting rotation was solid and Bronson Arroyo had himself a career year on a team full of guys having career years. Even Jonny Gomes got in on the fun, even though watching his feast or famine swing made me cringe more often than not.

Let me be brutally honest for a moment. This summer has not been the easiest for me personally. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster pretty much throughout. It's been hard and I've been taxed because of it. The Reds have kept me afloat more often than I care to admit. Watching them has taken me out of my own head and given me something real and true to believe in. They reminded me over and over again why the sport of baseball with its strange intricacies and poetic stoicism is far and away the most literary, most important and most beautiful sport there is. For nine innings (or more) you are locked inside a world so rife with history and you are enthralled. You pray for clutch hitting. You love the dugout pranks. You hate bad calls and boo strikes and balls. You watch your favorite hitter step up to the plate and feel like a kid again, waiting for your hero to save your team from certain defeat. This has been what it's like to be a Reds fan this year. They have taken their entire fanbase and made them feel young again, made them care about something that may seem so arbitrary to anyone who doesn't understand its long standing and vital place within American history.

I am going to be an absolute mess on Wednesday when the Reds take the field, but no matter the result I will be thankful that this team, these 2010 Cincinnati Reds, have made me believe and hope and wish like a child again. That's the true championship they have won, that's the true gift they have given all of us.

And now....

YOUR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL DIVISIONAL ROUND PREDICTIONS

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES VS. CINCINNATI REDS

Look, my love for the Reds is going to overshadow any prediction I could make for this series, so I will refuse to make one. What I'll do instead is analyze!

The Phillies are in no uncertain terms the best team in the NL if not the entire league. Their offense is absolutely brutal. Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth, Shane "Double Flap" Victorino, Placido Polanco, Carlos Ruiz...I mean Jesus Jumped Up Christ there are zero weaknesses. No lead is safe, no deficit insurmountable. If your'e going to pitch against them, you have got to bring your best or else you're going to be staring down the barrel of a blowout. Especially considering the fact that they have three ace pitchers in their rotation. Halladay is the Cy Young front-runner, Cole Hamels has had a resurgent second half and Roy Oswalt has re-discovered the fact that he's actually a good pitcher when there are people behind him that can play defense (fuck you Astros!). They are tough, they have an amazing amount of playoff experience and they are the lock down favorite to win this series.

So why are the Reds even showing up? Well, they can produce some runs too, and they've beaten Halladay once this year (albeit at home). They've also beaten Roy Oswalt twice, and neither loss was because of the Astros defense, but more because the Reds' offense had finally managed to figure out how to hit his pitching. Also, don't forget that though they are 2-5 against them this season, three of those losses came down to the last out and neither team was completely healthy. When last the Reds faced the Phillies (a four game sweep in Philly) they were without Edinson Volquez (game one starter), Scott Rolen, Ramon Hernandez and both Drew Stubbs and Jay Bruce were in the midst of what was arguably the worst hitting slumps of their young careers. Oh, and Aroldis Chapman was still figuring things out in Louisville. This playoff roster will be much different.

That being said, the Phillies were not healthy then either. They were without Utley, Polanco and Carlos Ruiz. They will not be without them this time around.

The most one can hope for is a good, competitive series. I predict that regardless of who wins, it will go five games.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS VS. ATLANTA BRAVES

I feel sorry for the Atlanta Braves. I really do. They have to travel to San Francisco and face the best starting rotation in the National League (sorry Phillies). The Giants pitching in the months of September (1.44 era, 0.82 whip) has been absolutely lights out. Tim Lincecum finally remembered how to pitch like a two time Cy Young winner, Matt Cain finally got some run support and the combined trio of Barry Zito, Jonathan Sanchez and rookie Madison Bumgarner, along with relievers Ramon Ramirez and Brian Welson (48 saves), helped the Giants overtake the San Diego Padres and win the NL West division.

Oh, and they have a good offense too. Aubrey Huff is in the midst of a career year and rookie catcher Buster Posey is playing like a ten year veteran behind the dish. If anyone is going to make it to the NLCS with ease, it's these Giants.

The Braves, on the other hand, have some issues. Their offense has sputtered of late and though the addition of Derrek Lee has helped, they still seem to have trouble pushing runs across the plate consistently. Their pitching staff is hittable and their relievers, especially Billy Wagner, have been so-so. I know the feel good prediction here would be to give it to Bobby Cox's team. But fuck Bobby Cox, he's a wife beater.

Giants in 4

NEW YORK YANKEES VS. MINNESOTA TWINS

Jesus Christ, the Yankees again? At least they didn't win their division. There has never been a team yours truly has hated with so much vitriol outside of the St. Louis Cardinals (how's my ass taste, Cards fans!). Their lineup has been bought, their manager has fucking BRACES and their fanbase is abhorrent. Fuck the Yankees.

What's that? They're playing the Twins? Holy moly. Talk about a lesser of two evils scenario. Look, the Twins have the better pitching staff and the better relievers. The Yankees have one lock down starter and really shitty middle relief. That should be enough to take down the mighty Yanks, who haven't looked all that mighty in September. Plus, come on, if you're gonna give me the option of rooting for Jim Thome or Alex Rodriguez it's a no brainer.

Twins in 5

TEXAS RANGERS VS. TAMPA BAY RAYS

There is no reason the Rays shouldn't sweep this series. On paper they have the better pitching staff and better all around offense. On paper. In reality, though their pitching is legit, their hitting at times has been putrid. It seems like every American League pitcher who has come close to or achieved a no-hitter or perfect game has done so against the Rays. Carlos Pena has zero patience at the plate, B.J. Upton falls victim to insane slumps and defensive lapses and Evan Longoria has had a decidedly down year all around. The only guy who has been better than average has been Carl Crawford. Though I suppose we're talking about a team that has quite a bit of playoff experience and one would think that they can turn things around in October.

Well, they could turn things around, if they weren't playing the Texas Rangers. Josh Hamilton, Vlad Guerrero, Michael Young, Ian Kinsler....I mean this team can flat out hit. They will take the Rays starters to task at every at bat and have the ability to chase a guy like David Price after five innings. Not to mention the fact that they have maybe the best pitcher in baseball in Cliff Lee leading off their starting rotation. They are tough, hungry and ready. I don't think the Rays really know what they're walking into.

Rangers in 5

Stay tuned....

Onward.

-Terrence Adams

It's Mike Iupati and I'll Cry If I Want To

2010-08-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Mike Iupati reported to Santa Clara a week ago for ‘Niners rookie camp. I can't believe he's all grown up.

When we last left Mikey, scouts were praising his moai-like stature and some were even wondering about his potential move to tackle. Speed and quickness (in both its mental and physical applications) were the questions. It seems like Iupati answered the speed part of the question in Singletary’s “nutcracker drill.” Coach was pleased. Iupati impressed.

Iupati also took a step toward a starting role as left guard David Baas suffered a concussion, meaning he’ll be getting all the reps with the first team for at least a little while—more time to continue to impress.

For now, it seems that Iupati has jumped ahead of Benny’s draft baby, Anthony Davis (http://victrolacola.blogspot.com/2010/04/big-whiffah.html), on the depth charts.

More on his performance as camp wears on. But for now, my concern is not with Iupati the football player, but with the young man on his own for the first time. What is he to do in his new Santa Clara surroundings? Well, I have a letter for my young Samoan draftee.

Dear Mikey,

It turns out Santa Clara is the sister city of Izumo, Japan. For that reason, maybe you could go to Santa Clara's Kobe Japanese Restaurant and try the koroke. And no, silly, the restaurant has nothing to do with the Lakers and the food has nothing to do with singing James Taylor songs in front of Asian businessman.

Santa Clara is in the heart of Silicon Valley which should help keep you humble as your $320,000/year deal is servants pay in these parts (see McAfee, Intel, Namco Bandai, Sun Microsystems, Silicon Valley). So these are some things you can do without breaking the bank:

*See an Earthquakes game. Yeah, they carry the “San Jose” moniker, but they play in Santa Clara.

*Contact your local Audobon Society chapter and go on a burrowing owl sightseeing trip.

*Head out to the Almaden Quicksilver County Park. And no, there is no Almaden team. That’s something different. But you can learn about the mercury mining past and gaze at the interesting flora, but watch out for poison-oak. It may be pretty, but it’s itchy.

Most of all, have fun and eat your vegetables.

-Kyle Wills

TEXT WARS VOLUME TWO: BEN TAKES THE LONG WAY AROUND AND ENDS UP LOSING ANYWAYS

2010-08-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

The following is part of an ongoing feature that involves text messages sent between Victrola Cola contributors Ben Wills and Terrence Adams, who live in separate cities and can't insult each other face to face.

(out of the blue)

Ben: Terry, you've been traded to the Orioles for Brady Anderson, Ben McDonald, Glenn Davis, a snack pack, a Joy Division vinyl record, a Maxi pad, the 1960's Colts, a BLT sandwich, 3 Men and a Baby (the movie) and 4 weddings and a funeral (not the movie).

(no response to this, but the battle picked up the next day when Terrence learned that Ben had to have socks put on his hands when he came down with chicken pox at 2 years of age.)

Terrence: You should really put socks on your hands so you don't scratch yourself

Ben: You should really grow a penis so you have an excuse to scratch yourself.

Terrence: Jerk store called, they're runnin' outta YOU.

Ben: Oh yeah, well the wimp store called and you're on back order! FACE!

(This was followed by a highly intelligent (seriously) discourse concerning the Reds not making any moves at the trade deadline and whether or not Jake Westbrook going to the Cardinals would be a game changer in the NL Central. And Then...)

Ben: Don't take this in a gay way, but we would make a great tag team.

Terrence: BUSHWHACKERS!

Ben: Minus the bush (at least on my part).

Terrence: Landing strip whackers!

That's all for round 2. I think, in retrostpect, that Ben probably won this, but only because of that first text, which I laughed out loud at in front of a girl. Stupid girls.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

The Cincinnati Reds Are Hellbent On Hurting My Feelings

2010-07-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

This is apropos of nothing, I just like the name Bip Roberts

We are now ten games into the second half of the Reds' season and because of some glitch in the matrix they are a mere half game behind the first place St. Louis Cardinals in the NL Central.

Some might say that they are holding on by the hairs on Jonny Gomes' chinny chin chin, and they would be exactly right. Let's run down a short list of things that need to happen in order for the Reds to make the playoffs:

1. Edinson Volquez must return to form

In the two starts since returning from his year long recovery from multiple shoulder surgeries, Volquez has shown that it might be a bit of a slog before he becomes a consistently productive starter once again. Against the Rockies, he was untouchable, going six innings and giving up one run on three hits. Against the Nationals (!), however, he went two and a third, giving up six earned runs while only getting 38 of his 76 pitches through the strike zone. It's easy right now to pass off that second start as Edinson shaking off the rust of being out of the game for so long, but if we're going to have any shot at either overtaking the Cardinals or winning the Wild Card, we absolutely need him to, more than anything, be consistently serviceable. He needs to find his control and not get frustrated. The Reds have a pretty soft schedule the rest of the way, which means he'll be facing some fairly weak opponents over the next two months. If he struggles mightily against the likes of the Pirates and Astros, we might be in some deep, deep trouble.

2. Scott Rolen needs to get healthy

Joey Votto is hands down our best player, but Scott Rolen is this team's heart. He is the leader everyone looks to in the clubhouse and the veteran who anchors the infield. It was inevitable that he would fall victim to the injury bug, but the tenuous look the Reds have when he's out of the lineup is worrisome. They not only need him in the dugout, they need him on the field and at the plate. Though Miguel Cairo has been a wonderful surprise thus far in Rolen's stead, he is not Rolen. Hopefully his hamstring issue will be short lived and he can get back out on the field for the stretch run.

3. Something's gotta give with the bullpen

Right now our bullpen is relying heavily on a batch of young and unproven arms. Logan Ondrusek has been extremely steady since being recalled from AAA and Jordan Smith has definitely been a reliable arm in recent weeks, but it's hard to say how these guys will react as the pressure of a pennant race builds. It stands to reason that either Russ Springer or Jason Isringhausen will fill a void before the season's end. Both are veterans with loads of post season and big game experience and both have seemingly no ceiling for their performance. Springer has been solid thus far in Louisville and may get called up as early as mid-August. Isringhausen, on the other hand, hasn't pitched regularly in over a year and is coming off of Tommy John surgery, so it's a pretty hazy forecast for him until he starts facing live hitting and shows us what kind of stuff he still has. There's still a possibility that the Reds will add a bullpen arm through a deadline trade, but the market is fairly barren at this point and they may be content to just go with what they have. That being said...

4. It is in the Reds' best interest to pick up a right handed hitter via trade

The Reds have been shutout 12 times this season. For those of you playing at home, that's the most of any team in the majors. The majority of those shutouts were 1-0 heartbreakers. This team, for all of its offensive prowess, at times has an extremely hard time putting runs on the board. Some of this has to do with guys like Scott Rolen and Ramon Hernandez being out, but more than that it has to do with the sporadic hitting of everyone else in the lineup. Jay Bruce, Drew Stubbs, Jonny Gomes and Brandon Phillips embody the very definition of 'streaky'. They need one more bat to go along with Rolen and Votto to steady things out. I for one would love to see Ty Wigginton on this team, but no matter who it is, he has to be a consistent hitter and capable of playing more than one defensive position. We have plenty of prospects to dangle in front of teams, it's imperative that we use them.

5. Beat the Cardinals

Cincinnati has six more games against the Cardinals. Three at home and three in St. Louis. They must either win or split this series. There is no room for error, especially considering the favorable schedule the Reds have down the stretch.

The most important part of this, of course, is for the fans to enjoy the ride. It's been a long time since our Redlegs have been competitive and they currently stand to finish above .500 for the first time in ten years. That alone should be cause for celebration. The World Series would just be icing on the cake.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

TEXT WARS VOLUME ONE: BEN WILLS VS. TERRENCE ADAMS

2010-07-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Myself and Ben Wills do not live in the same state. This has not stopped us from waging a text war against one another that is filled with utter sports-related vitriol. This is the first installment in what will surely be a long running series entitled...well...just look above, doofus.

The following exchange occurred on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010. It is offensive, so if you don't like offensive things, cover your eyes. Onto the good times:

(Out of the blue)

Ben: I'll trade you my Sid Bream and Tom Pagnozzi for your Kelly Gruber and Bob Walk.

Terrence: Throw in your Anthony Peeler Lakers jersey and it's a deal.

Ben: I was considering a Loy Vaught or Mark Eaton signed picture.

Terrence: fag.

Ben: Don't be so hard on yourself.

Terrence: I'm trying not to be but this picture of Terry Pendleton's balls I'm looking at is getting me all worked up.

Ben: He strikes me as the type that would have good, wholesome, quality pubes.

Terrence: Like looking at a well groomed persian cat.

(After watching Randy Winn hit a homerun against the Phillies)

Terrence: Do me a favor and drive down to St. Louis and put a bat through Randy Winn's kneecap.

Ben: Or I could go have some drinks with their pitching staff.

Terrence: Ryan Franklin loves body shots.

Terrence: He really loves doing them off of La Russa's ass crack.

And there you have it, Text Wars Volume One. More soon.

Earmuffs.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

It Was Worth It

2010-07-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it’s a little after the fact. And yes, by this point many of the key components of the Hawks Stanley Cup run have been shipped off. And sure one thinks less about hockey when the thermometer reads triple digits. Nonetheless, I will transcribe here what was written a month and a half ago as game one approached.

What follows was written on the eve of the Cup Finals opener in Chicago. There were no follow-ups as I could barely keep my lunch down as the games proceeded, let alone write something about them. Spectating games of championship magnitude, for those of the die-hard sort, often requires a certain intestinal diligence. Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t feel things in my heart or head, I feel them in my stomach. Literally—my stomach gets uneasy.

If you’ll recall (if there’s really a you out there), I made predictions throughout the Stanley Cup playoffs. I was like a sunset—brilliant in the West, blind dark in the East.

Something had to give in the finals.

Just thinking back to a few short weeks ago has already alleviated some of the summer swoon that engulfs the East presently. Belated…yes. Untimely…never. Ahhh, cold steel on ice.

From May 29, 2010:

I’m on the plane as I write this. I got the itch on Monday. I was febrile by Wednesday. On Thursday I decided it had to be done. Today is Friday, a little more than 24 hours till puck drop.

When I was little, I played more hockey than I watched—and I didn’t play that often. Each winter we had to wait till “the marina” froze over.

The Marina was a little harbor carved into the water-filled gouge of strip mine aftermath we called Goose Lake. The marina, shielded from the wind, always froze first. We’d drag two railroad ties to the ice because we didn’t have real nets. We didn’t use goalies. The nearest railroad was a good 5 miles away, but there were always ties near the marina, I have no idea why.

Some winters we had hockey skates, but being kids, we grew out of them by the first thaw. Maybe then we’d find an old pair of figure skates. I don’t know where any of this stuff came from. Nobody figure skated that I ever saw. But we used whatever we had. We’d play till our frozen phalanges couldn’t hold a stick. We always threw in an obligatory fight or two—not true fisticuffs, just the pulled-punch, enjoy the dance variety. It was more a ritualistic nod to the game than actual fury. You see, the pugilism of the 70s still bruised the reputation of the sport, and I guess to some degree it still does.

I knew two Hawks in the 80s: Doug Wilson and Denis Savard.

By decade’s turn, I became aware of Steve Larmer and Michel Goulet, but (thanks to “Dollar” Bill Wirtz) I never saw many of their games; my family didn’t have cable.

The early-to-mid-90s ignited my hockey awakening. Things changed for the Hawks: they were good. Belfour, Roenick, Cheli, Suter, Graham. Just see Sega Genesis NHLPA ’93 for proof.

By decade’s end, they were bad again. They stayed bad for a LONG TIME.

To date, my predictions of the 2010 S.C. Playoffs have been a tale of two trends: the Western Conference has put me on par with Nostradamus; in the East, I’m like the guy who was the first to say, “The Titanic! That baby’s unsinkable!” Perfect in the West; 2009 Detroit Lions in the East.

In the Finals, something has to give. Here’s the problem—everything’s at stake now. Not just my predictions, but my hopes for the denouement of the season.

Now I pride myself on being practical, logical, reproaching anything or anyone that risks irrationality. But sports are funny. It’s the ultimate collision of careful consideration and chance. Plots and interference. Architecture vs. Mother Nature. Control. No control.

Only, in this case it’s not me wristing a shot at a railroad tie. It’s not me in any capacity outside of what I can shout—and I shout a lot—at the game, and with lack of control one is apt to turn to witchdoctors, or gods, or talismans. Hindsight gives ample opportunity to identify inane causes for unwanted effects. One such inanity is the “jinx.” Just ask any 90% free throw shooter. We all know what happens the minute an announcer says, “He’s hit his last 19 attempts.” Even amongst the stoutest logicians, the effects of the jinx can be felt. Causation? Correlation? It doesn’t matter. It may not make sense, but we think it can explain everything. By way of our need to make sense, we provide senseless explanations for why things occur. Humans are complex simpletons.

As much as I want to say it, I won’t.

I won’t risk the jinx. Even though I know it doesn’t really exist, I won’t predict a thing. Even though I understand that nothing I write/do/say will affect anything. I won’t. Anyone who knows me knows what I think. But I won’t say it. It means too goddamn much to me.

Chalk it up as a cop out. Put this round’s “predictions” in the L column. I don’t care.

I’ve nearly emptied my bank account for it. I’m on a plane as I write over cloud-blanketed Pennsylvania or Ohio—can’t really tell from here—to get home for it.

I’ll be yelling during the National Anthem if I can get any sound past the lump in my throat. Twenty thousand strong standing with Stan and Bobby and Tony and J.R. and Glenn and Pierre and Rocky.

And yeah, it’s going to be especially hard to look at #3 in the rafters tomorrow.

***End Flashback***

So there it was. That was me then. Later, it will be me now.

When will then be now?

Soon.

-Kyle Wills

Mel Gibson Has No Affiliation With This Blog

2010-07-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

But you can! If you, humble reader, want to write articles for this fine internet publication, all you have to do is:

1. Email me, Terrence Adams at ohiowarmusic@gmail.com.

2. Pitch a story idea. Pretty much anything will do just as long as it's about a sport and not fucking dumb.

3. Be nice. Don't be a dick.

That's it!

There's no money in this, but I'll totally write you a letter of recomendation.

Onward

- Terrence Adams

Looking Into My Crystal Balls: 2nd Half MLB Predictions

2010-07-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

The NBA is tiresome, the Brett Farve (I refuse to spell it "vr") talk is already starting (ugh, it's only fucking July), and the WNBA is... apparently still a sports league. Thankfully, 2nd half baseball commences today.

Pre-season predictions in baseball are like a Fox News broadcast: not very accurate. With injuries, trades, breakout rookies, and comeback seasons from individual players, it's too hard in March to pick what will happen over the next 6 months. For example, who would've predicted the Padres to be in the race out west. That's right, no one. And if anyone says they did, tell them to go back to their cubicle and look up who Mat Latos is, because they don't know and they didn't see this coming.

But, after the All-Star break, even Buster Olney might have seen enough to possibly make some baseball sense about how things might play out. Unfortunately, all he'll do is continue to talk about the Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies.

So, here are my 2nd half MLB predictions.

East: Well, I hate to say it, but it'll be the Yankees. I'm pulling for Tampa Bay, and I think at the moment Tampa Bay has a better staff for the stretch run, but the operative phrase is "at the moment". "Spank" Steinbrenner will honor his dad by gobbling up any player he can get his hands on, and he'll most likely focus on pitching. Don't be surprised if the Yanks take a run at Oswalt or Haren, and adding either or those two to C.C. Sabathia and Phil Hughes would make for a pretty impressive minaga toi' at the top of the rotation.

For all you bean towners, no chance. This will be a two horse race for the top, and it'll be New York over Tampa Bay by 1 game.

Central: Hey Keith Law, sift through my pubes, find my balls, and suck 'em. You put the "ass bag" in the term "really big fucking ass bag". "You want some sprinkles on those cupcakes?" Umm, you wanna do some research? Oh, I forgot, you work at ESPN and don't have to. The White Sox went 25-5 heading into the break, which would be impressive against little leaguers, let alone any Major League talent. But, what is so ridiculous about that statement is that you did the journalistic equivalent of selective hearing, you wrote only what applied to prove your point and conveniently omitted 2 wins over the 2nd place Tigers, a 3 game sweep over the NL east leading Atlanta Braves, not to mention while facing their top 3 pitchers (Hanson, Hudson, and Lowe), 2 of 3 over the 2nd hottest team in baseball (behind the White Sox) the Texas Rangers, and a 4, yes I said 4, game sweep over the Angels. Keith Law, you are a shitburger. A shitburger with cheese.

Anyway, the Sox are my pick to win the central. It's not just the 25-5 run, but it's more the great starting staff, the at times unhittable bullpen, the timely hitting, the ability to score runs in numerous ways, and most astounding, the lack of panic over losing Jake Peavy for the season. This team has a confidence that is rarely seen from a team that had such a shitty April, May, and part of June, and I expect that to carry over into the 2nd half.

Both the Tigers and the Twins have great line-ups, but neither can match the pitching staff the Sox throw out on a daily basis. The White Sox are expected to make a move to acquire a bat, and if they do that, no one in the division would be as good top to bottom as the South Siders. And if the Sox can get a lefty specialist to add to an already dominate bullpen they would begin to look even scarier. The Chicago White Sox by 3 games.

West: The Texas Rangers have a 4.5 game lead starting the break and I am confident that lead will expand as the season progresses. Texas boasts a mashtastic middle of the order with Vlad, Josh Hamilton, and Nelson Cruz. If Ian Kinsler can stay healthy and set the table for those guys then there is no reason the offense should fall off in Arlington.

The addition of Cliff Lee was huge because Colby Lewis won't be able to keep up his performance from the first half, so the Rangers needed to add pitching. Tommy Hunter has pitched very well for so far, but you always have to expect some set back for a young pitcher.

Not to take anything away from the Rangers, but the fact that the Angels have been so inconsistent and the A's and Mariners are so bad is as much of a factor in why the Rangers will run away with the west than it is the Rangers themselves. Unless Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of California make a big splash in a trade, the Rangers will win the division by at least 6 games.

Wild Card: No way!? The Wild Card will come out of the East this year! Yawn. It shouldn't come as a surprise that it'll be either Tampa Bay or Boston, with Detroit and Minnesota (not really Minnesota, but come on, even they don't want to have to focus solely on the Brett Farve media rape) being the only real outsiders that can contend.

In the end it will be Tampa Bay. With Price, Shields, Garza, and Niemann, they have 4 great arms that should lead them into October. They would love to add another bat, but unfortunately for them, they also don't want to sell the farm for anyone. So, most likely they will stay fairly "as is", but "as is" for them should be good enough to get the to the post season. Tampa Bay takes the Wild Card by 2 games.

East: The race for the NL East could be exciting, but only if the Phillies decide they want to actually participate. The Mets are very much in this too, but unless they make a big move before July 31st, they don't have enough to overtake the Braves.

Philly is a damn good team that has, by most people's standards, underachieved. They somehow went like a month without scoring a run at one point, and with their line-up that's pretty amazing. Philly could very well get hot, and they could bring in another arm, but most likely not of the Cliff Lee stature (Pedro, maybe). But when all's said and done, this division crown will belong in Atlanta.

The Braves pitching staff of Lowe, Jurrjens, Hanson, Hudson, and Medlen or Kawakami is too much nasty to lose this division. Their line-up is solid, but it will be reliant on Jason Heyward's health and productivity to continue to stay atop the division. I'm surprised they aren't in more discussions about landing an impact bat, which the trade for Alex Gonzalez isn't, but I guess they hope that McClouth can also return to his 2008 form along with getting a healthy Heyward back.

All said, Atlanta wins by 3 games.

Central: Everyone is taking the Cardinals, but not me. I'm going with the Reds. Everyone is also pointing out that the Cardinals are getting Brad Penny, Ryan Ludwick, and David Freeze back, but I'm pointing out the Reds are awaiting the return of Aaron Harang, Homer Bailey, Chris Dickerson, Ramon Hernandez, Mike Lincoln, and Eddison Volquez. Getting Volquez back will almost be like making a trade for a star pitcher since Volquez has electric stuff when healthy, so if all or most of those pieces come back healthy, this team will look damn good.

Johnny Gomes is channeling his inner Eric Davis, Joey Votto is an MVP candidate, and Orlando Cabrera wins everywhere he goes. I still have a gut feeling that Cincinnati has a trade up their sleeves (why not Ben Sheets?) and I think they have enough to stay ahead of St. Louis down the stretch. Pujols and Holliday move over, this division belongs to Votto and Phillips. Reds by 1 game.

West: If I was picking this division by what city has the hottest girls, San Diego might have a shot, but the sentimental favorite is not the logical choice here. I really want San Diego to win. Honestly, I do. But, they played way over their heads and they don't have enough offense to go with their lights out pitching. Latos and the boys will fall short, though their run has been fun to watch.

The question becomes who will overtake the Friars, and the answer is...complicated. Right now, Colorado would be my pick. With Ubaldo Jimenez having a tremendous season, and the Rockies explosive offense, it's hard not to pick them. But, if the Dodgers trade for some pitching, maybe a Roy Oswalt, or San Francisco can obtain a bat, say a Prince Fielder, then the whole landscape of the division changes.

So, my pick for now will be the Rockies. Even if the rest of the division improves, I'll take the spirit of the Rockies (remember the 2 straight comebacks against the Cardinals) over the prospective talent of the rest of the division. Rockies win by 2 games. And if anything else happens, well, then I told you so... kind of.

Wild Card: You can take the Phillies. You can take the Dodgers or Giants. And if you're stupid, you can even take the Mets. Me, I'll take the Cardinals. I would like nothing more for two Mid-West teams to enter the National League playoffs. The Phillies right now would be the favorite, but I can't seen Carpenter and Wainwright not dominating down the stretch to get this team into the playoffs. Cardinals clinch on the last day of the season.

Awards

Cy Young: Cliff Lee- His .095 WHIP is pretty impressive, and his wins will go up now that he's on a good team.

MVP: Josh Hamilton- He wins over Miguel Cabrera based on the fact Texas will make the playoffs and Detroit won't. Going for the triple crown doesn't hurt either.

Manager of the Year: Ron Washington- He traded in cocain for wins, and I'm still not sure that was the better choice. Party at Ron's house.

Cy Young: Josh Johnson- Ubaldo Jimenez is getting more attention, but Johnson's stats are better, and he is a better pitcher, which is kind of frightening.

MVP: Joey Votto- He's leading in home runs (tied with Adam Dunn), slugging, and on-base percentage. Basically, he's the best damn player in the NL right now.

Manager of the Year: Bobby Cox- He's 143 years old and still has his team in the midst of a playoff hunt. He narrowly beats out John Russell, who's only in consideration because he still shows up for work on a daily basis.

Enjoy the 2nd half of the MLB season, crackers.

-Ben Wills

The Day After The All-Star Game, Where Sports Go To Die

2010-07-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

I like granola. I eat granola every day. Different kinds, sure, I'm not that bland, but granola nonetheless. Matter of fact, I'm eating granola right NOW! Isn't that exciting?

You're shaking your head at me. You don't think this is exciting. Well, shit man, what exactly do you want me to say? It's the day after the MLB All-Star game and there are, for the only time all year, zero sports happening. No baseball, no football, no hockey, no soccer, no basketball, no college baseball, no college football, no tennis, no...whatever they call Australian football. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. It's like the movie Dune out there in the sports world today, which is to say, it sucks.

Last night's game was good, though, right? The National League finally pulled out of their 14 year slump and beat the American League 3-1 with the help of Scott Rolen (first to third, bitches!) and Brian McCann. That was nifty. It was also nifty that the National League didn't use Arthur Rhodes, which made me, a Reds fan, happy. Saves his arm for the stretch run, if there is one (oh, please let there be one).

But today? No, today we get Full House re-runs and reality television. Today we get ESPN Classic and MLB Network showing old All-Star games. Today we get nothing but a bag of stale potato chips. It's sad. Hurtful even. My fandom is all dressed up with nowhere to go.

So what else can you do today? Well, let's run down a list, shall we?

1. WATCH THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY

You know you haven't watched it in a while, and you KNOW you want to. You even want to watch the old western third one with Mary Steenburgen. Admit it, you thought she was hot. I know I did. Especially in Parenthood, which I suppose you could watch too. Meeee-oowwww.

2. READ A DAMN BOOK, YOU ILLITERATE PUNK

There's this thing on your shelf, it has pages and letters n' shit. It's called a book. Pick it up and read it. Use your imagination (or, if you're a Guns N' Roses fan, Use Your Illusion). It's been lying dormant long enough, it's time to let it out of its cage. Get your Levar Burton on.

3. WRITE A SONG

If you're single, write a love song for the one that got away. Call it "Love Blows" or something classy like that. Record it and burn it to a CD. In fact, burn two CDs. Send one to a record company (Columbia, they'll totally listen to it) and send the other one to your lost love. He or she won't think that it's creepy at all, unless you talk about sneaking up on them in the bushes and dragging them to a weird sex cave or something like that, which I'm sure you wouldn't even think about doing, because you're an upstanding citizen.

4. CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU FILTHY HEATHEN

If you're like me, you can go literally months without making too many alterations to your living conditions. I mean, like, sure, I clean my room, but it's in fits and starts. Well, now you have a full day and evening to make that shit spotless. I mean spit shine spotless. Mop your floor, clean your sheets, dust your TV, do it all, baby! And really, as your friend, I would advise starting underneath your bed, something is fucking growing under there, dude.

5. GO TO A FIRING RANGE

I've never been to a firing range, but I've always wanted to go. Why, you ask? Because I want to fire some goddamn guns, that's why! I mean, where else can you get the full enjoyment of unloading a clip into something without having to murder your neighbor? I would want to fire a shotgun, personally. Just let that puppy RIP. That target paper thingy is going to look like fucking swiss cheese when I'm done with it. It's gonna wish it never saw the likes of ME.

I'm sure there's more things that can be done, but I'll leave it to all of you in the comments. For now though, try to get through this day as best you can.

Onward

- Terrence Adams

The All-Star Game Will Save Us: Finally, sports will show some class

2010-07-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

Taking a key from the droning powerhouse band that is Staind... it's been awhile.

In what has been a month of constant sports turmoil, (college football becoming more and more of a joke, more NFL arrests, the NBA being... well the NBA) I have to quickly interject some thoughts about the classiest event in sports: The Major League Baseball All-Star Game.

Baseball is it's own one-man show tonight, providing the only sports entertainment of the evening. The Nathan Lane of the sports universe, if you will. I ask that every die-hard NBA fan who has been trying to justify the actions of the entire league, from dickface liars like LeBron James and Dwayne Wade, to irrelevant reporters like Jim Gray, to owners like Dan Gilbert (insightful and honest, albeit classless), to David Stern, the worst commissioner in sports, watch how a real American sports outfit comports itself.

Since 1933, Baseball's greatest players get together to play the mid-summer classic, and... gasp... actually put forth the same effort they would in an actual regular season game. There are no rule restrictions in which pitchers can't throw breaking balls or runners can't steal? And what's that? They don't dance in the dugout and come up with elaborate pre-game dances when they are announced along the foul lines?

No, the game is about the talent of pitchers like Ubaldo Jimenez, Roy Halladay, Joakim Soria, and Josh Johnson, just to name a few, matching up with hitters like Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton, Joey Votto, Joe Mauer, and Paul Konerko. It's about watching the best in the game represent every team in the league. So for one night, Pittsburgh is represented alongside New York, Twins and White Sox represent the same team, as do Reds and Cubs (or Cub in this case). It's not about the self-absorbed "all about me" players, it's about the fans, it's about the game itself, and if you turn down your volume so not to listen to Joe "Joe Buck Yourself" Buck and Captain Obvious Tim McCarver, it's mostly about class. Something the rest of sports should take some notes on.

Oh, and watch how quickly MLB will come up with a classy way to show respect for George Steinbrenner, who died this morning, even though he probably has done more to hinder the quality of the sport than help it. Baseball is just the best sport in the country, and probably the best sport in the world, and douche bags like Bill Simmons can continue to sit on their Celtics bean bag chairs, playing with their Starting Lineup figurines, pretending that the NBA is "America's Sport". yeah, maybe for 8 year old suburban kids, which Bill Simmons continues to act like.

Thank you MLB, for keeping some respectability in an otherwise disrespectful sports world.

NL wins 5-3, Joey Votto MVP.

-Ben Wills

Douchepocalypse Now: My Experience At The Strangest Reds Loss Ever

2010-07-11T02:39:00.000-07:00

So I can't make this post long. I just can't. It's 5:28 a.m. and I just returned from Philadelphia after spending the entire day Saturday eating cheese steaks and watching baseball.

What kind of baseball, you ask? Reds fucking baseball, where we lost for the third straight game in extra innings in glorious walk off fashion. That sucks, and hurts me to my very fucking soul.

However, besides a loss, what I did see tonight was a Reds rookie pitcher almost get himself a perfect game in his third start. I did see Roy Halladay pitch nine shut out innings. I did see both of these pitchers get a NO DECISION. That's what I saw.

The Phillies ended up winning, yes. It hurts me to say that, once again. However, to watch a duel like the one I saw tonight makes me truly believe that bullshit about this being the year of the pitcher.

Travis Wood's cutter was unhittable, Halladay continuously worked out of jams. It was glorious. Both guys brought their A-game. I was literally about to throw up after every single pitch. Holy Moly.

Now, if the Reds can salvage one game from this series against Cole Hamels, I'll be truly satisfied.

Onward

- Terrence Adams

LeBron James Is The Hollywood Hulk Hogan of The NBA

2010-07-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

There's certainly a lot of hoopla concerning this LeBron James shit going on tonight, and I would rather not make this a forum to add fuel to that self-congratulating fire. So what I will do instead, is mutter these words about the whole situation:

Fuck LeBron James, Fuck ESPN and Fuck the NBA.

The NBA, as far as I'm concerned, is the bastard child of professional sports and has been for years. With crooked refs, a commissioner who manages his league as though it were Wrestlemania and players who have about as much loyalty as a college cheerleader on ecstacy, there is nothing noble or ethically viable left to admire.

The league's best days have come and gone and now we're looking at what can only be described as the twilight for what once used to be a highly competitive and highly entertaining spectacle. They've removed defense, replaced rivalry with ribbing and left all of us who grew up watching Jordan vs. Ewing with bullshit like the Lakers/Celtics NBA finals, a series that was only interesting because it was interesting in the 60's and 80's. Did anyone actually watch the NBA finals and find themselves sitting on the edge of their seat? Can you remember ANY NBA game in the last ten years that has left you breathless? I certainly fucking can't. It's showboats and money-mongers and "All-Stars" acting like babies and just...ugh. That's all there is to it.

LeBron James is a fantastic athlete, but he is also a fame-whore douchebag who is on the verge of throwing an entire fanbase under the bus for the chance to, what, win a worthless title in Miami? Who the fuck CARES about winning an NBA championship? What does it even MEAN? I mean, in baseball, you play every day and go through multiple ups and downs throughout a season and have to rely on luck and guys who get paid jack shit to step up and prove themselves in the clutch. In the NBA, you get...what...Derek Fisher? Robert Horry? Yawn. Fucking yawn.

Hockey and football at least force their guys to earn their paychecks by getting their ass kicked every time they play a game. They actually come close to earning the millions of dollars heaped upon them. NBA players? Not so much, at least, not as much as they let on. There are floppers and whiners and bad defenders and lazy ballhogs and...again...ugh. It's hard to even deal with it anymore.

So what do I think about LeBron James? I don't, howabout that. I don't care if he goes to the Heat or the Knicks or the Bulls or the Cavs. It doesn't matter, just like it doesn't matter that Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade are playing together. It's a pointless exercise. A mind-numbing dog and pony show that gives guys like Bill Simmons a reason to get up in the morning. I'm done with professional basketball. I'm done with every aspect of it. I have no rooting interest for any team. It's over.

Witness that shit, why don't ya.

Onward

- Terrence Adams

My Friend...Don't Be a Jerk

2010-07-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

So by now I'm sure most of you have at least heard about the fan at last night's Indians/Rangers game that took a thirty foot fall from the second deck after trying to lunge after a foul ball (if you haven't, read the full story here). All signs seem to point toward him being okay, but the lesson here shouldn't be ignored.

My fun loving baseball fans -- don't be a bunch of jerks. Catching a foul ball is a fun part of the game, but it is hardly worth losing your life over. Be aware of your surroundings, for Christ's sake. Pretty much every ball park (this happened at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington) in the country has steep upper decks and one should at least be aware of the fact that it can be a balancing act to just stay in your seat sometimes. It's fine to try and go after a foul ball in your row, but don't go all gung-fucking-ho for a ball that's too close to the railing, okay? The point of being at a baseball game is to WATCH THE GAME. You should enjoy that part of it more than anything else.

Also, don't bring a glove to the park if you're over the age of 12, it makes you look like a total fucking dweeb.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

Oh My Sweet Children, How Do You Put Up With Us?

2010-07-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

A few quick notes to start off your Tuesday post-America loving holiday work-week fun (suckers!):

The Cincinnati Reds are twelve games above .500 and have a 2 game lead in the NL Central, to which your humble author must raise a fist to the air and scream "HOLY JUMPED UP CHRIST!" Joey Votto got fucking JOBBED out of the All-Star Game by Charlie Manuel, by the way. Omar Infante? Really? Why not just get Jerry Hairston, Jr. in there? Or maybe Jeff Keppinger? Fucking asshole, way to choose Ryan Howard too, ya homer. You know what Charlie Manuel? Eat a bag of dicks. If the NL loses this year, it will be because your dumbass doesn't understand the concept of ALL-STAR. I mean seriously, you have Martin Prado on that team, and he can play every position plus bat-boy, so why in the hell is Infante taking up my beloved Joey's rightful spot? Well, there's at least one chance left to get him on there, so I advise all of you to go ahead and VOTE VOTTO for the final spot in this year's ASG. Also, vote for Paul Konerko, too. Why, you ask? Because Kevin Youkilis looks like a pedophile, that's why.

Merrrrrrr, what else, what else. OH! The New York Knicks signed Amar'e Stoudemire! He got something like six trillion dollars for thirty years. It doesn't matter. He is not going to save that team. They have a skeleton of a franchise right now. Once David Lee skidaddles (and he will fucking skidaddle) the second best player on the Knicks will be....Danilo Galinari? Yeah, they're fucked. Even if they manage to get Dwyane Wade they're fucked. Trust me. Whenever I use this much foul language, truth is being spoken.

World Cup soccer continues. We got, what, Netherlands vs. Uraguay today? Yeah I got nothing. I told myself that I would continue to care even after the U.S. team got ousted. I lied. I do not give a shit anymore. Not one iota. Not even one little bit. Take your World Cup soccer and shove it up your World Cup ass. Fin.

Let me, for a moment, speak about the heat in New York City. It is 101 degrees PLUS humidity. It is hot. It is beyond hot. It is hellfire. I slept like shit last night and had dreams that would rival the worst hallucinations of acid freaks. You know how awesome it is to wake up in a pool of your own sweat? It's fucking incredible. I haven't taken a shower that cold since the morning after my senior prom.

Oh hey, did you guys hear that JaMarcus Russell got busted for having Purple Drank? Do you know what Purple Drank is? From our friends over at Wikipedia:

"Purple drank is a slang term for a recreational drug popular in the hip hop community in the southern United States. Its main ingredient is prescription-strength cough syrup containing codeine and promethazine. Cough syrup is typically mixed with ingredients such as 7Up soft drink and pieces of Jolly Rancher candy. The purplish hue of purple drank comes from dyes in the cough syrup."

So yeah, that's what Purple Drank is. It slows your motor skills and makes you fucking dumb. What a shocker that Russell was knocking that shit back. Good luck getting signed now, jergoff! (Ed. Note: If the Cincinnati Bengals sign JaMarcus Russell, I'm going to 'splode something).

Blllaarrghh, is there anything else to talk about? Shit I don't know, this has turned out to be more of a rant than anything else, but that's what you come here for, to be mildly offended by yours truly. At least that's what I heard. There should be updates from both of the Wills' brothers soon, if they decided to get up off their lazy asses and write something. If not, I'll be here for you, caressing your hand and telling you that everything will be okay in the end.

Onward

- Terrence Adams

The Montreal Eh's?

2010-06-28T13:23:00.001-07:00

Lew Wolff, current Oakland Athletics owner, recently inspired rampant, unencumbered speculation at Montreal's CKGM about a possible Bay City relo to Quebec. Wolff was meeting with government officials in the province, spurring conjecture that the much foreshadowed exit from MC Hammer's 'hood is nearing its conclusion. I can't even begin to imagine the realignment disaster that impends. For the love of Christ, I just hope Bud takes time zones and natural rivalries into consideration.

-Kyle Wills

Listen, I Know What You're Thinking and I Don't Want To Hear It

2010-06-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

So instead of making me feel bad for not posting anything in the last few weeks, perhaps instead you should realize how much stuff has been going on in the sports world. Let's go to the tape:

THE FIRST PLACE CINCINNATI REDS

As I type this, the Reds are getting shellacked by the Royals 5-2 in the 7th inning, so maybe this isn't the exact right time to start getting all giddy about this team. They're in first by 1.5 games and will remain there regardless of the Arizona/St. Louis outcome later today. It's fun to be in first, but it also makes watching them struggle that much more frustrating. Their starting pitching has been so-so as of late, and their bullpen is extremely rickity. If this team is to remain in contention past the All-Star break, they are going to need to make a trade for a quality reliever or two to shore up the mess that Nick Masset, Danny Ray Herrera, Enerio Del Rosario and (ugh) Francisco Cordero consistently leave behind. Hey Chicago White Sox, can we have Bobby Jenks? or maybe J.J. Putz? Anyways, on we go.

THE STANLEY CUP CHAMPION CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

Kyle and Ben Wills will surely have something to say about this historic championship, so I'll keep this short. The Blackhawks didn't make it look easy, but they certainly made Chris Pronger look like a huge gaping twat, which is always hilarious. It's been 49 years since the 'Hawks last raised the cup, and I for one think that it's heartening to see them be able to do it again. This was the Flyers sixth lost opportunity to win it all in recent years, and though one might think that's a bad thing, I for one think that Philly fans are actually more entertaining when their teams get their guts ripped out at the last second.

NEBRASKA IN THE BIG TEN AND THE DEATH OF THE BIG 12

As a friend of mine once said to me after watching a mutual buddy of ours take a header down a flight of stairs, "Well, that happened." So Nebraska is now a part of the Big Ten.  Is it a good thing? Of course. With 12 teams in the conference there will now be a Big Ten Championship game, the recruiting will get better across the board and we get to revel in a yearly Iowa vs. Nebraska matchup. Meanwhile, the Big 12 is turfing out harder than Kelsey Grammer.  After all is said and done, the conference may end up losing up to eight teams, which would drastically change their direction and possibly send them the way of Crystal Pepsi. The Pac-10 looks to be the biggest winner in all this as they may end up getting Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Texas A&M and Oklahoma State to go along with already added Colorado.  Each school brings with them quality football, baseball and basketball programs and will help take away some of the effects that the major fisting of USC brought upon the conference. There's sure to be more movement by the end of the summer, so we'll stay tuned to see where the chips fall.

SPEAKING OF THE MAJOR FISTING OF USC...

It's fucking awesome, isn't it? Pete Carroll can try to play it off all he wants, but that arrogant douchebag's extremely fortuitous timing in his jump to the NFL leads one to believe that he knew all to well that his "storied" football program was about to take it right in the taint. The NCAA finally decided to take off its dress and put on its ass-kicking boots and dealt the USC football program a dizzying uppercut. How dizzying? Howabout this: no post season games for two years, the loss of 30 -- count 'em -- 30 football scholarships, and the possible stripping of both the 2004 BCS Championship and Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman Trophy.  Now, lord knows there are plenty of college programs who do not adhere to the NCAA rules, and lord knows that USC wasn't some kind of trend setter in this department, but it's nice to see that the NCAA is trying to set a precedent that it will no longer take this kind of bullshit laying down.

THE GODDAMN WORLD CUP

We are now three days into the World Cup. The United States played England to a 1-1 draw yesterday on the back of one of the most unbelievable goalie fuck-ups in World Cup history. Germany is currently wiping the floor with Australia and, well, I don't know, it's only the first weekend, no one has looked all that great and Spain is still the favorite, so we'll see.  What must be talked about are the holy-fucking-shit-please-god-break-them-all vuvuzelas. What are vuvuzelas? Well if you have watched any of the games thus far, you've probably noticed a droning buzz acting as a soundtrack during every moment of every match. That buzz? Yup, that's a vuvuzela. It's some kind of South African horn.  I mean, yeah, I get it, it's a part of the host country's culture and all but HOLY CHRIST.  The cocophony of terrible noise that 20,000 of those fucking things makes is absolutely out of hand. It ruins the fun of watching the games. They need to ban them from the stadiums. More chanting and cheering, less sounds of a fly trying to rape my eardrum.

THE NBA FINALS

Mark my words, this series is going to go seven games. You know why? Because it's BOSTON VERSUS L.A. AND IT HAS TO. Other things it has to do: suck huge sweaty donkey balls. It may go the distance, but each game will be more boring than the last. The NBA Playoffs are becoming more like the WWE with every passing minute. Two days off between games? Really? Boston fans chanting "Beat L.A." at a Red Sox game during which they were playing the Philadelphia Phillies? The media questioning Ron Artest's effort after game 2 only to praise it after game 3 only to insult it again after game 4? ugh. What a lame, lame, lame series this has been. I hate both of these teams, I hate their star players, I hate their bench and I HATE DOC RIVERS. Anyways, game 5 is tonight. Be there or be square.

...So that's the state of sports right now as I see it, more later, little campers.

-Terrence Adams

Late Night Ranting Sponsored by LeBron James, part 1 (of 1,000)

2010-05-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, not really, John Calipari isn't really the new head coach of the Bulls, but if Captain Witness has his way, fiction may become fact faster than a hooker in high heels running from the cops.

Calipari is lauded for his coaching style, his ability to motivate young players and his knack for finding blue chip recruits (John Wall, Derrick Rose) who are NBA ready. He runs recruiting warehouses, for Christ's sake. I mean come ON, whether or not he gets nailed for it, one must intuitively know that he has most likely broken every single NCAA sanctioned recruiting rule in history, old and new testament. He left Memphis before the hammer came down and he may very well be looking for an out from Kentucky in the same manner.

The scariest part about this? LeBron James apparently (so says the rumor mill) wants him in Chicago with him. And what LBJ wants, LBJ apparently gets. He threw Mike Brown under the bus (and yes, anyone who saw any of game 6 of the eastern semis knows this to be true, James pretty much did his best to let Brown know that he wasn't a fan of his late game coaching style by more or less tanking right in front of the eyes of every player and fan in the arena) in order to direct and captain his own ship completely, wherever that may be. For whatever reason, the rumors have been let loose that he wants the Kentucky coach in his wheelhouse.

My question is, why? LeBron James needs more control like Sarah Palin needs more pulpits to preach from. He's by far the best basketball player on the planet right now, but if the Cavs are to actually re-sign him, do you think he's going to bring a championship to his team when the only finger on the coaching button is his? Of course not. Other NBA teams must know this fact too, right? He's certainly capable of a lot on the court, but when it comes to the locker room he hasn't shown much in the way of leadership.

People seem to want to compare him to Michael Jordan, and well, considering how good he is, why not? However, that being said, Jordan had one thing that James does not...Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson, for what it's worth, knows how to handle superstars. He knows how to coach to them and around them. He knows how to restrain the supporting cast and he definitely knows how to make sure even the most egregious shit doesn't reach the hardwood (rape accusations? Shaq vs. Kobe drama? Andrew Bynum having the pain threshold of a 5'8" math major?) and yet here we have the Cavs rolling through their newfound postseason like babies enamored with their own feces.

You've got the Delonte West/Bron Bron's mom accusations, you've got the Bron Bron free agency fiasco and -- most recently -- you've got this John Calipari/Chicago rumor (for those of you not familiar with what I'm referring to, feast your eyes here) and all of that while Mike Brown, one of the best coaches the Cavs have had in recent memory, is forced to update his resume. Shaq may not be back. Delonte West is batshit insane. Mo Williams is perhaps incapable of even attempting to be a confident floor leader. I mean, the weather is precisely right for our man James not to stick around, wouldn't ya say?

So what's he gonna do? Well, whatever franchise gets him, they're gonna have to let him do things his way. Perhaps this will work with the Bulls, who have all of the elements, no head coach and a front office that may or may not truly understand what it takes to build a winner. James could step in and single handedly take on at least some of the control in this situation. The same can be said for the likes of the Clippers, Nets and maybe the Heat. The Cavs, in the strictest sense of business, don't really have a chance.

(a short interlude here, Knicks fans: The Knicks have zero fucking chance of getting LeBron James. They will sign multiple free agents this summer and improve exponentially next season, but D'Antoni and Donnie Walsh are set in stone, and neither of their personalities fit in with the LBJ manifesto, believe me.)

And so what am I getting at here, you ask? I'm basically saying that the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to have to do a lot more than make badly sung music videos to keep their city wide cash cow, they are going to have to sign immediate as well as long term solutions to their rotating positions at center, small forward and point guard, they are going to have to develop a bench that can actually defend and they are going to have to hire a head coach who can deal with a superstar and yet still not lose his fucking mind in the last three minutes of every playoff game.

If you're asking me for a solution to these problems, I have none right now, but I WILL say that James, like every other NBA player, is not sympathetic towards his home crowd. He will throw up his white powder in every city in America if it means he will get more chances at winning the big one and making the bucks. He may be young, but he is not dumb. Perhaps this is why the Calipari rumors may, in fact, be realistic.

-Terrence Adams

The NBA is a Worthless Managerie of Overpaid Dicks: Your 2010 Playoff Manifesto

2010-05-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

Who here is super psyched to be staring down the barrel of yet another Boston Celtics/Los Angeles Lakers NBA Finals matchup? Go ahead, raise your hands.

/looks out at crowd

No one? Really? Oh wait, I see you there in the back, the girls with the pink Red Sox hats on, yeah I gotcha.

The 2010 NBA Playoffs have been an absolute dud. Each series has been worse than the last. From stem to fucking David Stern. The competition has been woefully unexciting, the games, for the most part, complete laughers and the officiating...oh sweet Jesus the officiating.

And now we get to watch both the Magic and Suns shit away their seasons and pretty much hand over a place in the Finals to the Celtics and Lakers, a series that no one outside of Boston and L.A. wants to see. You'd think that Dwight Howard and Steve Nash would bristle a little bit at the sentiment that they can't win when it counts, that they don't have that killer instinct and yet all we see are two men on an island, more than happy to accept their fates as the constant second fiddle in their respective conferences.

And they're not the only ones! Can ANYONE in the NBA compete anymore?

The Cleveland Cavaliers were supposed to have been able to, and looked for a time to be unstoppable. Unstoppable, that is, until LeBron James, the league MVP, decided that instead of fighting he would rather do his best to give fans and the Celtics souvenir basketballs for six games. That's a joke...about him turning the ball over a lot...you know, because that's what he...aw fuck it, forget it. He sucked when it counted most, is what I'm getting at, and though the rest of his teammates should share some of the blame, he was the one who was supposed to march through these playoffs and bring home the title to Cleveland, he's supposed to be the second coming of Michael Jordan. You know what he is instead? He's the second coming of Dominique Wilkins minus a slam dunk title. Congratulations, here's your complementary tea set.

And now instead of seeing the likes of James or Howard or Nash, we once again get Paul fucking Pierce and Kobe Bryant, the two WORST personalities in the league.

Paul Pierce may be THE biggest whiner in all of sports. I swear to Jesus H. Christ on the Cross that if I see him make that stupid, abhorrent there's-no-way-I-fouled-him-but-he-definitely-fouled-me-and-I-can't-believe-you-would-call-something-otherwise face one more time, I'm going to snap and rip the flat screen TV down from the wall at my local watering hole. And they won't like that, which means that I definitely won't like that.

He's a flopper, a bitcher, a moaner and his only redeeming quality is that the fucking asshole hits shots. He hits threes and fade aways and floaters. I mean, goddamnit, he's a gamer and it's really really annoying. It's annoying, you see, because a man with so much God given talent should let his game speak for itself instead of making it seem as though he's owed something every time he steps on the court.

You are not owed shit by anyone, Paul Pierce, you are on a team that was bought for the pure sake of winning championships. Your coach is Doc Rivers. DOC. RIVERS. A man that would be struggling to keep a coaching job at a junior college had your team's ownership decided not to bring in Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. That's your coach.

Jesus, have you seen those 'inside the locker room' snippets during this year's playoffs? Rivers sounds like he memorized the script to Hoosiers and is just repeating that instead of coaching. No wonder these assholes like playing for him, he's like a substitute teacher in a gifted class. Nobody has to pay attention to him because they already know enough. It hurts me a little that Nate Robinson might win a ring under him. Not because Robinson doesn't deserve it, he might be the only Celtic who does, but because it will have been acquired under Doc Rivers' "watch".

And don't even get me started on Rajon Rondo. Seriously. Please don't. Or Rasheed Wallace, who never ceases to look as though he's still shocked to be wearing a Celtics uniform. Or Kendrick Perkins, whose only role is to foul and then complain about being called for a foul. Or Big Baby, or Brian Scalibrine! BRIAN SCALIBRINE HAS A CHAMPIONSHIP RING, I mean, I think that guy had 'fry cook' locked in as a second career had this whole basketball thing not worked out, holy moly.

And what of the Lakers, you ask? Well, there's a few things at play here.

First of all, Phil Jackson is a Hall of Fame coach and has earned that respect with his effective yet unorthodox coaching style. He's the zen master. The Dharma Dribbler. The Buddhist Baller. The...the...umm..well, you get the point, he's good. That being said, Phil Jackson should take a note or two from his humble teachings and *gasp* stay humble! Just like Paul Pierce isn't owed any special treatment, Phil Jackson isn't owed a platform to take pot shots at other players just because he's got a ring for each finger. You have to, at times, remember what got you those rings from time to time. And really, what coach couldn't do a little damage with Kobe Bryant bringing the ball down the floor for you.

Ahh Kobe. You sly dog, you. Much like LeBron James, you are not Michael Jordan. Your game is impeccable and you definitely close out games when called upon, but oh lord are you not like MJ. You know why? Because though MJ made some enemies across the league, he wasn't widely hated by everyone else's fanbase. Oh, and he was a gambler, not a rapist. Oh, and he was the greatest player to ever play the game. You are not him. You are good, but you are a big fish in a small pond. The league, for whatever reason, is diluted nowadays. Players care less about the competition and more about the huge contracts. Teams are bringing in guys to draw attendance, not championships. I mean, you tell me how well you think Kobe would be doing if he had to face teams like the mid-nineties Knicks or the late eighties Pistons. Do you think he'd be nearly as successful? Especially when you consider the team he's surrounded with now? Oh, and he's also a ballhog who would throw his entire team and organization under the bus just so none of the blame would rest with him. What a guy.

Fuck man, what a SERIES! Yeah! Boston! Los Angeles! It's predictable shit like this matchup that makes me expect to see David Stern call an emergency press conference and let the world know that the NBA will now be sponsored by none other than Vince McMahon. It's rigged! Rigged I say! Just ask Tim Donaghy.

And now, go forth and enjoy the remainder of this terrible year of professional basketball. Thank God for baseball.

-Terrence Adams

The Conference Finals: How the West was won, and The Incredible Halak

2010-05-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

If my predictions were a weather pattern, it’d be a high pressure system that’s stalled. Every day is more of the same. The patterns repeat. Nothing changes. It’s like L.A., you don’t even have to look out the window to know how to dress.

My predictive outcomes are predictably predictable. Once again, I nailed the West. And once again, ohfer in the East. If you’re a bettin’ man/gal, take heed. My word is gospel if the puck drops in a non-Eastern Standart Time zone. If it does drop in EST, don’t do as I say, do exactly the opposite.

Western Conference Finals

San Jose Sharks (1) vs. Chicago Blackhawks (2)

The Western Conference has thus far followed the program. With the exception of Detroit’s ousting of Phoenix (which in the world of upsets is a .3 out of 10), all the top seeds have held serve. Joe Pavelski’s absurd play (I mean that nicely [9 G, 6 A]) has helped the Sharks shed a little of the choke baggage from years past. Evgeni Nabokov (2.43 GAA) hasn’t been standing on his head, but has certainly played respectably with only two stinkers in the playoffs through two rounds (game 2 vs. Avs, game 4 vs. Red Wings). Further, the Sharks bucked their aversion to beating Detroit—clearing these kinds of psychological hurdles can do wonders.

The Hawks, meanwhile, have put together some very impressive games. They’ve also turned in a couple of their worst performances—that I can recall—in the past four or five years (see games 1 and 5 vs. Vancouver). Yet, the physical play of Byfuglien, Eager and Burish sparked a seemingly, at times, dead team. Toews continues to improve, which is scary because he’s already faneffingtastic. And Kris Versteeg’s play makes me like him more everyday. Also, Hossa decided to show up. When he’s good, all’s good.

That’s all the good.

The bad for the Pacific victors is that Kent Huskins and Jason Demers have not been Nabokov’s favorite blueliners. At times, they play like they’re secret agents for the other city. Linemates Dany Heatly and Joe Thorton have combined for 22 pts. and 26 PIM.

The bad for the Central victors is that the Hawks come out of the gates at a trot rather than a gallop, losing game one in both series so far. They also took, like, fifty too many men on the ice penalties during the first two rounds, and the Sharks special teams is WAY better than Vancouver’s. Face-off wins will take on added importance, as the Sharks, led by Manny Malhotra and JT, are crafty at swiping drops, while the Hawks struggle at times. John Madden could help here.

This series will come down to the level of physicality and goaltending. The Hawks would like to fustigate the Sharks like they did the ‘Nucks. However, the Sharks are a bigger, sturdier bunch (Joe T., Seto, Clowe).

Will Nabokov continue to play as consistently as he did against the Avs and Wings? Will Niemi (for whom each subsequent game is uncharted waters) continue to play well enough to give the high octane Hawks offense the chance to win?

The answers is simple…yes.

To which question, you ask? I’ll never tell.

Okay, the key here comes down to coach Q.: Does he play Seabrook and Keith against the Thorton or Pavelski line? I say, despite Pavelski’s stellar performance two rounds in, shut down the Thorton line. Seabrook and Keith are bigger than Hjalmarsson and Campbell, and that will help them against Thorton. Campbell and Hjalmarsson can keep up with Seto and Pavelsky’s speed. If the Hawks can then stave off the aggressive forecheck of SJ and establish one of their own, a la game three and four against Vancouver, they’ll be skating for the Cup. If they don’t do this, they’ll be golfing in ten days’ time.

Hawks win in what is one of the great conference match ups in recent memory.

Eastern Conference Finals

(I can’t believe I’m typing this) Philadelphia Flyers (7) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8)

The unlikeliest series ever has happened. The bottom two seeds have topped the East (Rangers, this could have been you…wait…no it couldn’t. You can’t win a 0-0 game.), and jagbag fans of Philly have Michael Leighton to thank.

The Canadiens, it turns out, are just that damn good. And they should be just about recovered from complications due to inhaling garbage fire fumes. Cammalleri is hands down the early leader for the Conn Smythe Trophy. Markov is healthy. Gomez can pass. Halak is Omazing.

The scoring is an interesting story here. The Canadiens have gotten a lot of points from just a few guys (Cammalleri, 12 G; Gionta, 7 G; Gomez 10 A). The Flyers have followed a similar formula (Briere, 7 G; Richards, 12 A; Giroux, 5 G). The absence of Jeff Carter will hurt though. That, and the tremendous defensive play of Spacek and Subban added to an already notable playoffs by Gill and Gorges spell trouble for the Flyers.

In the end, Leighton will have to out-perform the Incredible Halak. It’s possible. Hell, the Eastern Conference has proven that in spades. Anything’s possible, yes. But it won’t happen.

Canadiens. Oh. My. God.

-Kyle Wills

The Book of Schilling, and ESPN puts the ESP in sports.

2010-05-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

What seems to be the obvious trend these days is the anointing of the next savior in sports before he or she (pfff, woman's sports...chea right) ever plays a single professional contest. Each respective sport has done this...with the help of ESPN. ESPN took hockey and shoved Sidney Crosby down our yaps. With basketball it was LeBron James (nice game the other night by the way), soccer it was Freddy Adu, and with football, it was Shotgun Jesus himself, Timothy Richard "Jean Shorts" Tebow.

So, why, why oh why, would I ever think that baseball would be spared this kind of completely logical assesment of someone who hasn't reached the Big Leagues yet? Yes, I am talking about Stephen Strasburg. Now, don't get me wrong, Strasburg himself should not be condemned for this. He has been quite a spectacle merely on his talent alone, which in this era of sports is miraculous. But let's be realistic, the kid is dominating the minor leagues. He hasn't pitched a major league inning. Joe Borchard used to tear up the minors, and look at his career stats in the majors. Not to diminish Strasburg's performance at this point, because quite frankly, it has been alarming, but this need by quote on quote "baseball experts" to attach a stigma of transcendence to a player who has yet to pitch at the highest level is only setting the kid up for failure.

What makes it so frustrating to watch is there is a network that has such an appetite for this kind of grandiose storyline that they seemingly force feed it at all costs. This is exactly what ESPN did yesterday with Karl Ravich, and Curt Schilling. During the course of the interview with Schilling, who knows excellence better than anyone citing that he channeled God during game 6 of the 2004 ALCS against the Yankees, Schilling made the following, rock solid prediction about Stephen Strasburg:

"If he comes up to the big leagues, which he will in the next probably month, you know, some period of time before the halfway point of the season, he'll immediately potentially be the best pitcher in the game."

Wow, immediately potentially!? I haven't heard a statement with that much conviction since an NFL scout once said of Al Del Greco, "He is quite possibly unquestionably potentially presently without a doubt the most accurate kicker I've ever seen...sort of." You can't find analysis that lock down reliable anywhere but ESPN.

My issue with this is it seems as if Schilling believes the kid is good, as do I and the rest of the baseball world, and Schilling seems to believe Strasburg very well could become great, but it also seems as if he's being forced to make projections about the kid that any current or former athlete this side of Ryan Leaf's view of reality knows isn't fair. Does Strasburg have all the tools to become one of the best we've ever seen? Absolutely. Does he have all the make-up and intangebles that make up a future ace of a staff? Of course. The problem then? This is exactly what everyone was saying about Mark Prior when he was the next big thing in sports.

Prior, as we all know, was a very good pitcher until injuries derailed his career. That is, in essence, my entire point. Let this kid earn the right to be the greatest of all time, rather than thrust this onto his back and force him to carry it throughout his career. This seems to be necessary so that if Strasburg does fail, ESPN has a spoon fed narrative about how much of a bust he was. The reality is that pitchers, more than any athletes in sports, are prone to unexpected physical break downs, thus impeding their progress as pitchers at any level, making it hard to fulfill what one's potential was. Take it from someone who has his own shoulder carved up and pieced back together. It's a very humbling experience when you try to come back from surgery and realize that your fastball isn't quite as fast as you or any hitter you've ever faced remembered it, or your breaking ball is now just, well, a ball. Trying to reinvent yourself from sixty feet six inches isn't the easiest thing to do, especially when you have the natural talent that has been bestowed on Stephen Strasburg's right shoulder. It would be unfair to conclude any injury suffered by Stephen Strasburg would mean his career's imminent doom, but it's something we can't predict, so why try?

Please, ESPN, don't force this kid into my living room every night and have people who are as sane as Curt Schilling make such ridiculous, and,uh, confusing statements to the point I can no longer respect or enjoy this kid's journey. Report on what he is doing, not on what he should or may do. Give me updates, not prophecies. Please, let me relish in the journey of this young man, and do him a favor...let him earn his place in history.

-Ben Wills

The Reds are two games above .500. In related news, the end of the world is nigh. A 32 games update from Redleg nation.

2010-05-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

So here were are, the fightin' Cincinnati Reds sitting pretty at 17-15 on the season. Bronson Arroyo has just pitched us into our 10th win in 14 games and all is seemingly right with the world. Allow me then, to take a moment to talk about the state of my beloved team.

Okay, so we're playing well. You know who's to thank for that? (please don't say it please don't say it please don't say it) DUSTY BAKER! Well, kind of, in way. I mean, he's responsible for shaking up the lineup so that we actually have some decent hitting at the top of the order.

What's that? There's a history of trouble at the top of the Reds lineup? You're fuckin' a right there is! So far this season we've trotted out both Drew Stubbs and Chris Dickerson to play point man for the offense and so far neither of them have been able to fully grasp what it means to put the bat on the ball.

So what's wrong with them? Allow me to elaborate.

Drew Stubbs, before he was mercifully moved to the sixth spot in the lineup, was batting a robust .174. The kid has mounds of talent. He can run like the wind and plays a solid center field, but that doesn't make up for the fact that he's never really been given a chance to get confident with his bat. He will be the future Reds lead off man, I have no doubt about this. His swing is true and when he does hit, he hits hard and all over the field. The only problem is that his slump has gotten into his head. He's going up to the plate expecting to pop out. He's going up there and taking weak hacks at bad pitches. Now, that's not to say that he's a free swinger (he's third on the team with 13 walks), it's just that the pitches he finally hits are either right to someone or he's early. The number of foul balls he smacks during an at bat makes you believe wholly that he has the eye and patience to bat lead off, but not the timing. He'll get there eventually and I think that you'll see him back in the lead off spot before the season is over.

Chris Dickerson, on the other hand, reminds me a lot of Reggie Sanders. he can't hit the high fast ball and tries too hard to send everything over the fence. The biggest difference between Sanders and C-Dick is that Sanders actually had the power to make this approach reasonable. Before his injury, he had struck out 20 times and walked once in 44 plate appearances. One fucking walk! Holy shit, I mean come ON. His patience is absolutely abhorrent and his inability to hit anything higher than his knees is just frustrating. I'm almost glad he's on the DL right now, just so that maybe he'll come back with a fresh view point. He's got amazing speed and plays decent defense, but I really hope that he settles into a utility role for this team. Nothing he does is exceptional and as a lead off man he whiffs more than Jeff Brantley's wife after a night out at Chile's.

Oh, I forgot to mention something about Stubbs. He strikes out a lot too to the tune of 33 in 108 at bats. So that's not good either.

The preceding few paragraphs are why I love the move to put Orlando Cabrera in the lead off spot. He has experience there and though he doesn't have a lot of power, he makes a ton of contact and works counts. He still has a little bit of speed left in his legs and has already shown that he can be the guy who gets on base for the big boys further down the lineup.

How are those big boys doing? Pretty well, actually. Brandon Phillips, though at times unbelievably lazy on the base paths, has steadied out his hitting and seems to be locked into his usual groove of hitting .270. I only wish he would stop assuming any ball he hits into the outfield is an out. This works when it's a homerun, because, well, it's a fucking homerun and you don't have to hustle, but when it's a double that you should be turning into a triple, it doesn't help one iota. He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has a ruthless and highly intelligent hitter like Joey Votto behind him who makes people forget about his stupid mistakes. That being said, I like him in the second spot of this lineup. He has enough power and quicks and is consistent enough to always pose an RBI threat at the plate.

Now...Votto, Rolen and Bruce. Well, let's put it this way, they have really outdone my expectations for them. As I said before, Votto will get his numbers because he's just that good. Rolen hasn't shocked me so much as he's made me respect his veteran status. He ALWAYS works the count and can make pitchers pay for throwing pretty much any kind of pitch. The fact that he's chipped in six homeruns is just plain icing on the cake. The guy I'm most impressed with out of these three, however, is Jay Bruce. He's really starting to see the ball well and his patience has improved exponentially from last season. He's still striking out more than I would like, but I'll take a .250 batting average if that means I get 30 dingers and 90 RBI in return. It also helps that he is an out of this world defender. His throwing arm is a goddamn hand cannon. If anyone saw his throw to home during the second game in the most recent Cubs series you know what I'm talking about. Marlon Byrd certainly does.

As for the rest of the lineup, well, the 6,7 and 8 hitters are somewhat interchangeable right now. Both Ramon Hernandez and Ryan Hanigan have been solid in the 8 spot and I hope that Dusty decides to keep them there for the duration. As for the rotating cast in the other two positions...well...I guess Jonny Gomes is the best option, but the dude hits (and subsequently LOOKS) like Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. He only wants the long ball (that's what she said). Laynce Nix is all filler and no killer as far as I have seen so far, his walk off homer against the (bitch ass) Cubs not withstanding. Stubbs has been moved down to the 6 spot for the time being, and though it's not much of an improvement, he still has 4 hits in his last 16 at bats, which is four more than you could really ask for out of him right now.

All in all, our offense has shown itself to be hilariously and unexpectedly solid. We're getting on base and we're actually getting runners across.

Now, what about the pitching? Well shit, I don't know, this is where it gets tough. Aaron Harang has finally started to find his groove again and Bronson Arroyo has been his usual all or nothing self through out his first few starts. Mike Leake has been 'holy shit' level amazing, which came totally out of the blue for me. There's something about his pitching style that makes you think that he's not getting guys out only because they haven't seen him before. He has five plus pitches that he throws and mixes them up intelligently. He keeps his breaking stuff down in the strike zone and has shown that he is a legitimate ground ball pitcher, which a team that calls the homerun friendly confines of Great American Ball Park home desperately needs. He's been calm, collected and focused. I think that there's a spot on the All-Star team for him if he keeps this up.

That leaves us with Johny Cueto and Homer Bailey (I'll get to the bullpen in a moment). Cueto can't concentrate for shit. The bastard pitches like Cy Young for three innings and then starts looking at all the pretty birdies in the fourth. It's fucking mind boggling. I mean, I know he's had some decent outings so far this year, but he always seems to get himself into the most insane jams. He'll get two outs in an inning and then walk the bases loaded...or strike out the other team's best hitter only to give up a long ball to their 7th hitter. I don't get it. His stuff can be nasty at times and when he's on he's unhittable, but he can't seem to stay focused for an entire start. Perhaps it's a product of being so young, but eventually he's gonna have to figure that shit out for real if he wants to stay in anyone's starting rotation. Homer Bailey, on the other hand, can't locate shit. His fastball is all over the place and he consistently runs up 3-2 counts on seemingly every hitter. He and Cueto are the reasons our bullpen got so taxed the first few weeks, and though Leake, Harang and Arroyo have gotten on track, these two are still the problem children that will need to right their respective ships if we're gonna make a run for the wild card.

And what about the bullpen? Well, it's coming around. Mike Lincoln still can't string together two solid appearances in a row, but Nick Masset, Daniel Ray Herrera and Sir Arthur Rhodes have all been lock down as of late. The only real worry here is one Francisco Cordero. If I have to watch him fight through another save opportunity I'm going to goddamn scream. He CONSISTENTLY walks at least one guy and is always always always pitching out of the stretch. His stuff has been good, but he, like Cueto, seems to suffer from momentary lapses in concentration. He'll leave his pitches high on occasion or all of a sudden lose track of the strike zone. He at times reminds me of that psycho ex-girlfriend who will murder your pet gerbil one night only to cook you a huge apology dinner the next. Only you taste something funny half way through the meal and wonder to yourself, "Hey, did she put my dead pet gerbil in this stew?" but the only problem is you never get the chance to ask the question aloud because she drugged the dead-pet-gerbil stew and you wake up naked and tied to a dentist's chair in some basement somewhere where you're not sure if it's night or day and then...ummm...*cough*....

And so on.

So what does all this mean in the end? It means we're 17-15 and in pretty decent shape for a run at both the Central title and the wild card. You know what it also means? That the Cubs suck huge herpes infested donkey balls. FACE.

- Terrence Adams

A Long Season for Something No One Cares About. It's The Stupid Power Rankings...MLB Style

2010-05-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's one month into the season, so it's that time again to jump to ridiculous conclusions and hand out the most irrelevant prizes in all of sports...THE POWER RANKINGS!!!!!

Note: The records and stats are from the month of April, so if you're counting this weekends games, get a life...Terry!

1. Tampa Bay Rays (17-6)- Promise came to fruition in 2008, and after missing the playoffs last year, the Rays seem to be back and better than '08. Their offense is awesome, with Crawford, Longoria, and Pena doing their damage, but B.J. Upton looks like his power is starting to become more consistent.

The real story has been their pitching. Not having a starting pitcher with an ERA above 3.70 is nice, but the bullpen has been equally effective. If Shields, Garza, and Price can continue to pitch like this, the East is theirs to win.

Noteworthy note: Since the Rays dropped the "Devil" from their name for the '08 season, the Tampa Bay Rays are 198-149 with one World Series appearance. Hmm, maybe there is a God.

2. St Louis Cardinals(15-8)- Most People would put the Yanks here, but there's one reason the Cardinals are two on this list...Albert Pujols. .345 with 7 bombs and 19 RBIs is impressing, and it's allowing Holliday and Ludwick to see pitches to hit as well. Colby Rasmus has shown that he was read for the bigs by posting a .323 average to go along with 6 knocks and 12 ribbies, which has helped add depth to a line-up that was in need of someone to step up after losing Mark Derosa to free agency.

If it wasn't for Kyle Lohse, the Cards starting staff would be omazing with a capital O, with Brad Penny having his best season since he stopped throwing Alyssa Milano a heavy dose of screwballs. Ryan Franklin has been solid as the closer, but with a 1.86 ERA and almost three times as many K's as Franklin, Jason Motte is emerging as the heir apparent.

Noteworthy note: No Cardinals pitchers have died so far this year, and for that, the season is already a success.

3. New York Yankees(15-7)- The Yankees are winning games, especially at home where they are 6-1, and they've been doing this while Mark Teixeira has yet to hit a ball for seemingly the last month. Robinson Cano is hammering the pelota, and Posada doesn't look a day over 47 for the first time in a couple years. None of their offseason additions in the line-up have looked good so far, with Randy Winn posting a .077 BA so far, but if Curtis Granderson (who looks more like Curtis Fanderson, 17 K's in 77 AB's), Nick Johnson, or Randy Winn can get started with Teixeira, this offense will be as scary as a Tea Party convention.

The pitching has been solid, almost bordering dominant if it wasn't for Javier Vazquez being a real life psychology experiment every 5th day( 20 runs in 20 innings, all earned). His meltdowns have diminished what has otherwise been very good starting pitching. Joba the Hut has been strong since moving to the bullpen, which is where he belongs, and Rivera has gone untouched through 9 innings, posting a 0.00 ERA, 9 K's, and only 3 hits, but the rest of the pen hasn't been so good. With Chan "Hey" Ho Park having injury problems already this season and no one else picking up the slack, they Yanks better hope that the pen doesn't become the herpes of the team, with constant flare-ups and no cure.

Noteworthy note: Yankee fans still haven't read up on the proper etiquette for leaving your hat on during "God Bless America". I continue to take mine off, only because I don't eat knuckle sandwiches.

4. San Francisco (13-9)- Basically this offense has to score a run to win a game, but they have hit the shit out of the ball so far. There isn't a plethora of power on this team, but at AT&T park, you won't get much power, unless you eat an assload of steroids and Human Growth Hormone. Pablo Sandoval continues to make everyone want to hug him (or is that just me?). Edgar Renteria, Juan Uribe, and Aaron Rowand all are hitting .300+. Nate Shierholtz continues to stroke the ball when he has the chance, and in San Francisco that is quite frequently, hitting at a .375 clip.

The real story of the Giants 2010 team is their starting pitching. This gangbang of pitching is headed up by Tim Lincecum, who looks like he'll be competing for his 3rd straight Cy Young Award. Jesus Sanchez and Barry Zito, who is having his best year since crossing the Bay, join Lincecum with sub 2 ERA's. Matt Cain hasn't been great, but he hasn't been bad either, but if he starts to light it up, things could get orgasmic. Brian Wilson and the bullpen has been good, and it's not too hard when you're only job is just not to blow anything (oh, no, that could be taken the wrong way).

Noteworthy note: Bengie Molina just made it to first base on a ground ball he hit last Tuesday.

5. Minnesota Twins (15-8)- Will this team ever have a bad year ever again? Mauer is struggling so far at only a .345 BA, , Morneau is only hitting .347, and his 17 RBI's are only seconds on the team, behind Michael Cuddyer, who has only 18. This M&M tandem of won't melt in your mouth, but they will crush your balls (when did this post take a sexual turn; damn you San Francisco). Jim Thome has only managed 4 home runs in 43 at bats, and Denard Span is hitting a weak .301. This offense may be lacking slightly in power, but I doubt that will last long.

Francisco Liriano has re-emerged and has basically been un-hittable so far this season. The rest of the starting staff doesn't look as good, but with Matt Gurrier, Ron Mahay getting the ball to John Rauch, this team has managed to win games without Joe Nathan.

Noteworthy Note: Brett Farve (I'm spelling it the way it's pronounced, fuckers) still hasn't decided whether he'll attend any games this year or not. Tavaris Jackson has been waiting patiently outside Target Field all season.

6. Philadelphia Phillies(12-10)- This was probably the best looking team on paper going into this season, and they look like they are going to be very good, which is why they are ahead of a few teams that have better records than them this season. Utley looks like he could be in line for an MVP, Howard is right on his usual track, and Jayson Werth is becoming on of the most valuable outfielders in the game today. They would like to see Raul Ibanez get back to his power numbers from last year, but Jimmy Rollins hitting .391 is helping set up opportunities to score runs for this offense.

As far as pitching, I have two words for you. Suck it!!!! And then, I have two more...Roy Halladay. He's most likely the early front runner for a Cy Young, but the rest of the staff hasn't looked very good. The bullpen hasn't found any consistency to the 2010 campaign, and with Brad Lidge sucking balls and having to place Ryan Madson on the 15-day DL for giving a chair the ol' Al Del Greco, they may need to make solidifying their bullpen a major priority.

Noteworthy note: Players on the team are getting tired of having to give up their seat on the bus to Jamie Moyer.

7. New York Mets (14-9)- Who would've thought it would be Jeff Francoeur and Ike Davis, along with David Wright, that would be the catalysts to this teams offense. The rest of the offense has been pretty anemic, but they've still found ways to win games.

Pitching is most likely the cause for they Mets winning. Johan Santana and Mike Pelfrey have been awesome, but the biggest surprise has come from the steady performace out of the bullpen so far. The bullpen has killed the Mets the last couple of years, but this year it has been reliable. In the end though, I see this team falling in these standings as the season wears on, pissing off New Yorkers for yet another year.

Noteworthy note: RP #50 Sean Green is not Jewish.

8. San Diego Padres (15-8)- What the hell? Why is this team so good. They got rid of their ace pitcher last year, they have a roster full of guys who aren't household names, yet they are at the top of the NL west.

Adrian Gonzalez is the obvious pillar of the offense, but the Friars are getting great play from Chase Headley, as well. After those two, you look at this offense and their numbers and think, what the hell? (Again)

They put together a string of wins mainly due to good strong pitching, and John Garland's 2.57 ERA and 2-2 record is proving to be a pretty good pick up. Wade Leblanc has looked very good in his three starts, and Kevin Correia has been a pleasant surprise. Will the Padres win the division this year, probably not, but with budding stars like Kyle Blanks, it will be a fun year to watch the San Diego Padres play the underdog role.

Noteworthy note: They've stayed classy, Terry Adams has not.

9 Detroit Tigers (14-10)- Austin Jackson and Miguel Cabrera are starring on this prototypical mash and bash American League team. They hit, and hit, and hit, and hit, and hit. Having Magglio Ordonez look like the 2006 version has also been a bright spot for this club.

One thing they do not do is pitch. At least the starters anyway. They bullpen has put up some decent numbers so far, but they are getting no help from the likes of Justin Verlander (5.53 ERA), or Rick Porcello (8.03 ERA). If Valverde and Zumaya and the rest of the bullpen can find a little help from their friends, this team could find itself right in the hunt of the AL Central.

Noteworthy note: Miguel Cabrera is sticking to only clear liquors the mornings before day games this year.

10. Cincinnati Reds (12-11)- They are high up on the board mainly because I'm rooting for them. They don't have a great team, but it's pretty damn good. If Votto can stay out of the mental ward, and Jay Bruce can hit above .220, this team could vie for a playoff spot at season's end. Problem is, no regular (discounting Ryan Hanigan since he has fewer at bats than Ramon Hernandez) has a batting average over .275.

Which leads us to the pitching, which hasn't been that great in the early going. That doesn't bode well for this team winning it all, but when you look at the staff, it is foreseeable that they could go from bad to mediocre, then pray for Aroldis Chapman to come up and be the ace this team needs. The Reds bullpen has been good as long as it keeps the ball out of the hands of Nick Masset, who has a 11.32 ERA, but again, it's not a good thing when your team's best pitcher is in double A.

Noteworthy note: The first 10,000 fans attending the May 7th game against the Cubs will get free 4 inch thick goggles for Chris Sabo night. One lucky fan will also get to try to catch an Adam Dunn home run he hit originally in 2006.

11. Los Angeles Angles Of Anaheim (12-12)- This team is atop division no one seems to want through the first month. The Angles are relying heavily on Kendry Morales for run production, and while Abreu, Hunter, and Matsui are all nice bats to have in the line-up, this team seems to be one legitimate bat short of being very good.

The Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim of California of the United States of America have found an emerging ace in Jared Weaver, but they are definitely missing John Lackey. Joel Pineiro hasn't quite been what they had hoped, and Joe Saunders has started slow, but this pitching staff should start to come back to the norm and be pretty strong.

Noteworthy note: Where the fuck is this team located anymore?

12. Toronto Blue Jays (12-12)- This team has killed the ball over the first month. Vernon Wells is playing likes he's actually worth the 8.7 trillion dollars the Jays gave him, and Alex Gonzalez decided to say during the month of April, "What the shit, why not hit the piss out of the ball" (this according to inside sources). And while watching Adam Lind, it's hard not to think to yourself he would be a superstar if he didn't play in a country no one cares about.

Ricky Romero made the career decision to step into the shoes of Roy Halladay for the first month of the season, Shawn Marcum is about as solid as they come. Brandon Morrow has ace stuff, but he gets Community College results. The bullpen is very shaky, so trust me, this team will come down the list as the season continues.

Noteworthy note: All 3,000 people who attend Blue Jays games will get to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs on the scoreboard during the baseball game.

13. Oakland A's (12-12)- This is another team that will almost certainly begin to tail off as the season progresses. Yes it's the month of April, but having Kurt Suzuki lead your team in home runs is like Man Vs. Food's Adam Richman being the healthiest person in the room. It's not a good thing.

Pitching is where the team looks to be good so far. Dallas Braden has showed signs of life, Justin Duchscherer has faired well despite a mediocre strike-out to walk ratio (18 K's to 12 BB's), and Brett Anderson and Gio Gonzalez could both have ace stuff in the near future. Ben Sheets needs to fix his command problems, but his fastball looks to be back, which is a good sign. Unfortunately, I don't see him in Oakland past this year, which is when I think he'll begin to look like his old self. Andrew Baily is a total stud in the pen, which gives them a shot as long as they have a lead late in the game.

Noteworthy note: MC Hammer is once again a bat boy for the Athletics. He is thankful for the job.

14. Washington Nationals (13-10)- Yeah, that's right. They're 14 on the big stupid board. Yes, you're right, they won't stay there very long, but at least there is some promise in good ol' Warshington. Nyjer Morgan is going to be a very productive player. Josh Willingham is damn good, and they have a no longer budding now fully bloomed superstar in Ryan Zimmerman. Adam Dunn will get them some nice young prospects come July 31 and Ivan Rodriguez is hitting like he's back on the juice, so things are looking up for the Nasty Nats.

Stephen Strasburg got his ticket to Triple-A Syracuse today, so Livan Hernandez and the boys look to have some company in the need future. Jason Marquis hasn't quite been the acquisition Washington had hoped, but again, El Savior is on this way. The bullpen has performed admirably, but it isn't anything impressive. Oh, wait, Matt Capps has 10 saves in 10 opportunities. I bet that has caused a few "son of a bitches" from some GM's who passed on him this offseason.

Noteworthy Note: If I hear one more fan say they'd pay good money to watch Chris Stammen pitch...

15. Seattle Mariners (11-12)- Honestly, this was my pick to win the AL West and possibly be a World Series contender. Although it's early, they haven't played as well as most people expected. Once you get past Ichiro and Franklin Gutierrez, this offense looked more like the Coal City Marniers (home town shout out!!) than the Seattle Mariners. Milton Bradley must hate base hits too, because he's avoided them at all costs through the first month of the season, and Chone Figgins is still a favorite in Los Angeles, because he isn't doing anything so far for Seattle.

Getting Cliff Lee back will be big for this pitching staff, which has been very good so far in Lee's absence. King Felix is a young stallion, and he and Lee could very well turn out to be the best 1-2 punch in the AL.

Noteworthy note: Milton Bradley has invited everyone over for some broiled fish. He seems like a really nice guy.

16. Colorado Rockies (11-12)- The Rockies are a team that almost everyone agrees will be in the top 10 of this stupid thing by the month of June. Troy Tulowitzki is the face of this club, and though he had only 1 HR through April, he should deviate back to his norm and start knocking balls out of the park. This line-up mixes speed, contact, and power about as well as anyone, and if Miguel Olivo hits anything near what he hit in April, this offense should be pretty damn impressive, yet again.

Ubaldo Jimenez has probably the best stuff in the National League, and he may have the best stuff in baseball. He notched himself a no-no, so his confidence should take off along with his stock as the game's best pitcher. The rest of the starting seems to be more concerned about watching Jimenez than winning their own games. Jorge De La Rosa has been solid with a 3-1 record and a respectable 3.91 ERA, but Colorado needs someone (I'm looking at you Aaron Cook) to step up and give the Rockies some depth in the rotation.The bullpen has been okay, but only 3 saves in one month is a little more than alarming.

Noteworthy note: All the Rockies players have already said they can't wait to have Tim Teabow come to throw out the first pitch so they can tell him to shut the fuck up.

17. Florida Marlins (11-12)- Chris Coghlan isn't quite having the sophomore season he or the Florida Marlins had hoped. Hitting just .195 through April, he hasn't given the Marlins the fire they needed at the top of the order. Jorge Cantu started the season red hot, and if he can continue to drive in runs, they Marlins should be a tough club all year.

Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco could become a top notch combo in the Marlins rotation in the near future. All that's in the way? Health and consistency. Josh Johnson is maybe the best pitcher ESPN pays no attention to (and the list of pitchers they ignore is quite large), and Nolasco can be every bit as dominant when healthy, but Nolasco has had some arm issues, so the spotlight may have to wait for just a little bit. The rest of the Marlins good young arms need to become just good arms if this team is going to compete.

Noteworthy note: I lived across the street from Wrigley Field in 2008 when the Cubs fans booed Dan Uggla every time he came to bat for his 2008 All-Star game performance because they thought it ruined their chances to have home field advantage for the World Series. Dan is waiting for their apology.

18. Chicago White Sox (9-14)- .193, .187, .169, .108, .091, and .200. No, those aren't high school wrestling weight classes, they are batting averages of some of the White Sox hitters. The offense apparently stayed in Arizona when the team broke north, with the exception of Andruw Jones and Paul Konerko, who is currently leading all the majors in home runs. They lack clutch hitting, they lack the small ball qualities Ozzie Guillen so desperately begged for (hard to steal bases when you're not on base), and they lack any sign of intensity. And why does it look like Juan Pierre and Omar Vizquel are hitting a medicine ball every time they make contact?

The rotation, with the exception of John Danks, has pissed their pants, with Jake Peavy leading the charge. I'm not ready to give up on Peavy, but 100 pitches through 5 and 1/3 isn't goint to cut it. The bullpen on the other hand has been damn good. Matt Thornton is the most fun person in baseball to watch. Never has 98 mph looked so easy. Putz and Linebrink have been admirable, too, and Sergio Santos looks like a closer in the making. Could Bobby Jenks be trade bait in July? Yes, as long as he doesn't eat himself.

Noteworthy note: At .091, Omar Visquel is hitting Alexei Ramirez's weight.

19. Atlanta Braves (9-14)- Atlanta looked to be a sleeper in the NL East, but instead, they just went to sleep. Besides Martin Prado and Jason Heyward (team leading 20 RBI's), the bats have been silent. Chipper Jones has already begun to break down, Troy Glaus is producing a lot of big whiffahs, Nate McClouth hasn't gotten over his case of the Pirates, and Brian McCann doesn't look like the All-Star he has been in the past. Bobby Cox's final year could be a long one watching this offense.

Tommy Hanson picked up where he left off last season, and Tim Hudson looks healthy for the first time in a while, but Lowe, Jurrjens, and Kawakami are giving McCann a cold with all the people breezing past him at home plate. Billy Wagner has looked good so far, unfortunately for him and the Braves, there just aren't any saves to be had so far this season.

Noteworthy note: Hoooooo ohhhh ohhoooooo, hooooooooooope you like small pox.

20. Boston Red Sox (11-12)- Almost nothing has been more exciting than to watch the Boston Red Sox struggle this season. Their offense has been offensive, and there really isn't much hope for it to drastically turn around. Dustin Pedroia has started well with 6 HR's and 18 RBI's while hitting .302, but David Ortiz has been equally as bad. Big Crappy is hitting .143 with a, yes, a home run and 4 RBI's. Since being exposed for the fraud he is last year, Ortiz has struggled and all the negativity has taken him from charismatic and endearing to just plain annoying. Victor Martinez is the x factor in this offense, if he can get hot, he could help turn things around.

The Sawks (I prefer Sucks) pitching hasn't been all it was hyped up to be. John Lackey doesn't have his usual stuff, and Josh Beckett is walking too many hitters while not striking out enough. Clay Buchholz is carrying way too much of Boston's weight in the rotation, especially for a bullpen that can't seem to strand runners.

Noteworthy note: It's nice to watch Red Sox fans squirm in frustration while they try to figure out why they aren't getting their way anymore.

21. Arizona Diamondbacks (11-12)- Kelly Johnson and Mark Reynolds both have 9 homers, and Chris Young is putting together a nice start, but the big disappointment has been Justin Upton, who has yet to get hot. This team is striking out too much, with Upton being the ring leader with 35 strikeouts already. They could be dangerous if they figure out the object is to make contact with the ball.

The Diamondbacks' ERAs would look more favorable if they were Olympic diving scores. Edwin Jackson hasn't been able to build on his past two seasons, and Brandon Webb is being missed sorely, and no one seems to be sure exactly when he's coming back. The bullpen's been about as unproductive as a Dr. Phil episode.

Noteworthy note: Arizona just passed a new immigration law this past week because they apparently don't like really good double play combinations.

22. Chicago Cubs (11-13)- "Year One" is the Cubs marketing campaign this year. Too bad reality is that it's year "One" hundred and 2 without a World Series title. That doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. Ryan Theriot and Marlon Byrd have been impressive so far, but the Cubs biggest issue is the middle of their order, Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, hitting .215 and .155 respectively. Timely hits haven't been coming at the right time, which, if that makes any sense, is a problem.

The pitching hasn't been all that bad, but any time Carlos Silva is carrying the staff, then there's an issue. Carlos Zambrano was moved to the bullpen which only worked because he realized that was the only way for him to stay relevant, and being the drama queen he is, Zambrano would rather be in the spotlight than in the playoffs. The bullpen is too thin to really contend this year, so don't expect much more than what they are offering right now.

Noteworthy note: It must be distracting to the team to know that Lou Pinella is expecting twins.

23. Texas Rangers (11-12)- This team can hit, and they can pitch some too, but they just can seem to win. This team could move up quickly (for what it's worth) if they could find a way to put together a string of wins.

Josh Hamilton is starting to look like he did two years ago, Nelson Cruz is too legit to quit, and Vlad Guerrero is batting .326 with 13 RBI's for the Rangers, so this team very well could get hotter than Louie Anderson's armpits. If Ian Kinsler can come back healthy, they could make a serious push at the division.

Colby Lewis and C.J. Wilson have been great so far, and Scott Feldman is the best Jewish pitcher since Koufax, but the back end of the bullpen has been unable to find the marriage between stuff and results. They are better off just trying to win games 14-13.

Noteworthy note: Where's the party at? Ron Washington's house.

24. Pittsburgh Pirates (10-13)- This ranking epitomizes why power rankings are stupid. Through the first month of the season, they weren't the worst team in baseball, but by the end of September, you can be damned sure they will be. Andrew McCutchen is clearly a budding star on this team, and Ryan Doumit is proving to be a solid backstop, but the Bucs have little or nothing else to look forward to. There is still a lot of confusion to moving Nate McClouth and Nyjer Morgan, which teamed with McCutchen would've made for a brilliant young outfield. Instead, Pittsburgh is looking at another decade of bad offense.

The pitching, well, that's the same story. Their ERA's look like stations on the FM dial. Zach Duke has been the teams best arm for the last couple of years, and that's not really a good thing. Simply put, theirs no end in sight to shitty baseball for the Pirates.

Noteworthy note: At least Pittsburgh has Ben Roethlisberger semi-raping girls to distract them from the Pirates.

25. Los Angeles Dodgers (9-14)- This team isn't this far down on the list just because they haven't played well, but also because there is a chance things could implode very quickly. Ned Colletti has called out several players (namely Matt Kemp) he thinks aren't doing enough to win Dodger hustle award. This team might be stuggling now, but with Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, and James Loney leading the charge, this team is far too talented to not win ballgames. Man Ram is hitting, but staying out of trouble is a more pressing issue for this team to get back in the race.

Clayton Kershaw and Hideki Kuroda are pitching well, but Vincente Padilla is more sweaty than good. Chad Billingsley has to chose between being good or being great, and if he chooses the later, this staff will have enough to win the division, or at least make a play at the wild card. Through April, this team has one save (Jonathon Broxton), in five opportunities in the entire month. Umm, i'm no mathlete, but that's awful.

Noteworthy note: Joe Torre has to have the major's largest prostate in baseball.

26. Milwaukee Brewers (9-14)- The Brew Crew can rake, but they sure can't pitch much. Ryan Braun is possibly the best outfielder in the NL, Casey McGehee is a damn good player, and Ricky Weeks is showing some promise, finally. Prince Fielder hasn't been himself so far, but that should change, and it absolutely has to or else.

Or else what? Or else they won't win another game all year that isn't pitched by Yovani Gallardo. They've gotten good starts from Randy Wolfe, but, he's Randy Wolfe. He's an average pitcher being asked to post better than average numbers. As for the bullpen, well, all I have to say is Trevor Hoffman is 4 for 8 in save chances. Is that a collective "oh shit" coming from Wisconsin?

Noteworthy note: Reliever Todd Coffey loves high fructose corn syrup.

27. Cleveland Indians (9-13)- The Tribe needs Shin-Soo Choo to carry the load, because Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner aren't playing even close to the level they were in 2007. Also, Matt LaPorta hasn't been as advertised to this point.

Fausto Carmona looks great when he's not spotting the ball 6 inches in the left-handed batters box, and Matt Talbot has Cy Young numbers with Charles Nagy stuff. The whole staff, especially the bullpen, has major control issues. Kerry Wood will be auditioning for teams once he gets back from his 34th trip to the DL.

Noteworthy note: CC Sabathia was flattered that his old uniform is still displayed at the Jake during rain delays as the Indians field tarp.

28. Houston Astros (8-14)- This team is like watching the movie Cocoon on rewind. Everyone keeps waiting for the rebuilding project to start, but the team just gets older and worse. Carlos Lee has a goose egg in the home run department and is hitting .176, and Lance Berkman has started slow since coming back from injury.

Roy Oswalt has great stuff despite having a bad back, and Wandy Rodriguez and Brett Myers have acceptable numbers so far, but there just isn't enough pitching here to make a run like they have the last couple of years.

Noteworthy note: Everything is bigger in Texas, and that applies to the fans' disappointment.

29. Kansas City Royals (9-14)- This team will be good in a year or so, but for now, they have to settle on sucking. Billy Butler is getting better seemingly each week, and Jose Guillen is hammering everything in site, but they would like to see Alex Gordon become at least half the player they projected him to be.

Zach Greinke a 2.56 ERA and 27 K's over 31.2 innings, but he's 0-2 through April. Gil Meche on the other hand is proving to be money that wasn't well spent on a team that doesn't spend a lot of money. Kyle Farnsworth still has very tight pants, which has nothing to do with his abilities, but it can't help. Joakim Soria would be a household name if he played anywhere else.

Noteworthy note: George Brett has taken the most beautiful double-tapered shit known to man.

30. Baltimore Orioles (5-18)- This team sucks really bad.

Noteworthy note: At least the world will end in 2012.

The power rankings are in, and if it wasn't obvious enough already, these things are pretty stupid...but totally awesome!!!!

-Ben Wills

NHL Round 2: Not this Tim Thomas...

2010-04-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it’s probably apparent that I pay closer attention to Western Conference hockey than Eastern. That’s because my heart still belongs to the Norris Division, truthfully. Also, living in NYC, I get a steady diet of Islander, Ranger, and Devil hockey. Two of those three didn’t make it to post-season, the third got upset. The Islanders are generally unwatchable. I like the Rangers mostly (there, I said it). The calm of Lundqvist in the midst of shitty, defenseless deluges brings me joy. But that joy is always quashed by the heartbreak of Henrik’s headhanging after another 1-0 or 2-0 or 2-1 loss. Gaborik possesses a nose for open space, and has body control to complement (see 2-1 loss). Drury, despite his detractors, never takes a shift off. Callahan, at 25, didn’t have the year many expected, but he’s still fun to watch (Blueshirts are still waiting for a repeat of the 84 pts he had with the Guelph Storm of the OHL four years ago—they may have to wait a while). Nonetheless, only two months in, I got the picture: Lundqvist is spectacular, but the Rangers offense has the potency of a paraplegic’s schwanz. The Devils are a guilty pleasure. Love the players, hate the game. Elias, Parise, Zajak—so very good.

You would think then that I’d have a handle on the East. Problem is, every time I watch, it’s Rangers vs. Devils, or Isles vs. Devils, or Rangers vs. Isles…you get the point. I know it’s not literally that way, but sure seems like it. Outside of the Caps and Pens (who were on either Versus or NBC on a weekly basis), I didn’t see or listen (XM subscriber here) to many Eastern Conference games. But excuses are like assholes…uhhh…there’s a lot of them in New York (see Mangini, Eric; Knicks, Isiah Thomas Era ). Simply put, I blew it.

But the West! Oh, the West! The Western Conference was a buxom bimbo to my Tiger. I nailed it. I nailed every one of’em. But enough of this…on to round 2!

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Sharks (1) vs. Red Wings (5)

So I got pulled into a marketing meeting yesterday. I’m not sure why. To me, marketing revolves around whether or not I need bread or orange juice. Apparently, there are two kinds of marketing. Suffice it to say, I didn’t have much to contribute in the meeting, and worse, this kept me from doing something far more important—NHL round two playoff predictions.

Now, anyone who knows me knows a couple of things: 1) I wear a lot of blue, and 2) I don’t cotton to anything Red Wings. Therefore, long before San Jose and Detroit stepped on the ice last night, I knew I was going with the Sharks. I actually don’t see a large disparity between the four lines on these teams. Ultimately, this comes down to two people—Jimmy Howard and Evgeni Nabakov. Plagued with a lackluster playoff past, Nabakov had a decent first round—decent, not great. On the other hand, Howard, a Calder nominee, looked like a rookie in round one. A 2.77 GAA is not going to cut it against the Sharks.

Blackhawks (2) vs. Canucks (3)

The best part about the Habs upsetting the Caps is that NBC didn’t get the chance to blow their collective wads over a Crosby/Ovechkin match-up. I understand why they play these individuals up (I guess I do understand some marketing strategy); they’re both really, really, really good. But the NHL is not the NBA. It’s a team sport won by teams. Hockey skate endorsements don’t generate a lot of ad campaigns. Hockey players don’t make good muppets. These are empirical facts.

What all this means is that NBC will have to redirect their attentions, and the sports world is about to be awakened to what (many have said is becoming, but to those close to these teams already know) is one of the best current rivalries in sports.

Following a brutal six-game Western Conference semifinal that culminated in a Hawks 7-5 win (Kane 3 G), these teams split the ’09-10 season series, each going 1-1 at their respective homes.

This series couldn’t possibly be a tougher call. Instead of belaboring what will ultimately (for me) come down to a coin flip, I’ll highlight these keys:

1. Can the Hawks slow down Mikael Samuelsson? He scored at least one point in every first round game. He also had three goals versus the Hawks in the regular season.

2. Can Byfuglien fustigate Luongo as much as he did in ’08-09?

3. Who keeps their cool? As mentioned, these teams really don’t enjoy each other’s company. Stupid penalties must be minimized by both sides for either to have a chance.

4. How do the teams respond in the face of the stupid penalties that are likely to surface?

Now to the pick: I’m going Hawks. Here’s why: special teams. The Canuckleheads didn’t sparkle on the PK in round one. I mean, it was abysmal. The Hawks weren’t awesome with the extra man against the Preds, but that won’t last forever. The Hawk PP is too good, especially with a (seemingly) recovered Brian Campbell.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Penguins (4) vs. Canadiens (8)

By now, everyone has heard of the heroics of Jaroslav Halak. Slovakian legend now states that Halak killed the giant who overturned Bratislava Castle each morning by deflecting pucks in his eyes. I say we look elsewhere on this team.

Michael Cammilleri had 5 G, 5 A in round one. He tallied in all seven games. Plekanec, Gomez, Gionta, and Kostitsyn round off an adequate attack. Josh Gorges and Hal Gill are the unsung heroes of round one. They were the Pippen and Grant to Halak's Jordan. Without those two, Caps win.

The Pens, though, are not the Capitals. They have greater depth and diversity in styles of play. I'll break it down ESPN-style--which means I'll only cover highlights of known entities. Just look at play reels of Ovi and the Kid. Ovechkin is spectacular, don't get me wrong, but he likes to work in open ice and/or heading straight at the net. For Halak, this is easy. Then watch Crosby. He makes space on the ice, and he's a threat from every point on the ice. He can get Halak looking one way, then set up a play that takes Halak the other. Also, Pittsburgh is a healthy mix of old and young. They won't get rattled as easily as the Caps. The third period of game 7 between Montreal and Washington was 20 minutes of panic by the home team.

Halak can make a difference, but the Pens will be too much.

Bruins (6) vs. Flyers (7)

Brian Boucher was not that good during the regular season. In the playoffs, he's been amazing. I don't get it. I didn't see it coming. I'm not sure anyone did. Maybe his mom. Maybe.

The Flyers have to get leads to win this series. They got good at that against NJ. Once they lead, they sit on the puck--and that they do well. It isn't enthralling, but it works. Problem is will they get those same chances against Boston. I say no.

Tuukka Rask has made the name Tim Thomas synonymous with "NBA journeyman" once again. Tim Thomas, you may recall, kept Ryan Miller's seat warm in Vancouver. Thomas now does the same for Rask.

A big factor in this series is the impact Savard will have on his return. He missed much of the season with a knee problem and the much publicized decapitation. If he can play anywhere near normal, the Bruins become a scary team.

Most importantly though, the real winners of this series are all of us who don't have to sit amongst either of these team's fans.

Bruins take this.

-Kyle Wills

2 Teams, One Dream: A Quick Note on Fantasy Baseball

2010-04-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

I have two (count 'em!) fantasy baseball teams through Yahoo Sports this year. Despite the fact that the chorus of the word "nerd" being said under the guise of it being a cough is nearly deafening, I will mush on to explain a few things to you all.

One of my teams is doing quite well thus far while the other...well...let's just say it's not exactly party time in happyville, if you catch my drift. My well-to-do team, quaintly named 'Immaculate Concepcion' after Reds legend Dave Concepcion is reigning terror down upon its competition. In a head to head league I'm rolling along in first place this week with a record of 30-16-11. I won last week with a valiant record of 13-3-3, which is a straight up dusting of an opponent if I've ever seen one. I'm winning, you see, because my team is constructed with smarts. I have speed (Carl Crawford, Nyjer Morgan, Rajai Davis and Rafael Furcal, who also bat for average and score runs), power (Joey Votto, Dan Uggla, Josh Hamilton) and five tool hitters (Casey Blake, Joe Mauer). It's like looking at a work of art, something so genuine, pure and fine tuned that tears well up in your eyes and you have to grab a steel railing in order to steady your weak knees. I get it, it's beautiful. Even my pitching makes sense. I've got good starters (Johan Santana, John Danks, Max Scherzer), good closers (Mariano Rivera, Matt Capps) and good set up guys (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Guerrier). Gah! It's fucking angelic, man. Truly beautiful.

Of course this is all until the inevitable injuries to half of the starting lineup occur and the proceeding frantic rush to the waiver wires that will result in me praying to Jesus H. that Yuniesky Betancourt can somehow eke out 60 RBIs. But hey, let's not dwell on the future, shall we?

What's that? Oh, did I say that I had another fantasy team? Huh? What? *crinkles paper next to keyboard* I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! SPEAK UP!!!

Oh, right. That OTHER team. 'Benshymen Wills' is a team name that should have an amazing team to go with it. I mean come on, it's nothing short of maybe one of the most hilarious plays on a name in history. Benjamin Wills (a staff writer for this site and subsequent knob slobber) is pleased with it, his silence convinces me of this fact.

Anyways, this team is constructed with roughly the same amount of meticulousness. Hell, Carl Crawford is on this team as well, as is Rajai Davis. I even have BETTER power guys with Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard. HOW AM I IN FIFTH GODDAMN PLACE?!?! You wanna know how? It's a rotisserie league, that's how. Whatever black magic point system this stupid fucking league operates under manages to both baffle me and convince me that there is some serious cloak and dagger bullshit going on behind the scenes. I mean, sure, I'm relying way too much on Marlins closer Leo Nunez and Mariners closer David Aardsma, but whatever, I refuse to admit defeat. There's gotta be some kind of turnaround here. There just has to be. Any league where the first place team is named after a toilet manufacturer cannot outsmart me.

Anyways, I'll update all of you on how I'm doing in these leagues from time to time, which might result in you, fair readers, bearing witness to my complete and unabashedly violent unraveling as a mentally stable human being.

So long, farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

2010-04-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Jacque Lemaire is hangin’em up after being part of 11 Stanley Cup championships (eight as a player, two as an assistant, and one as a head coach). With the Philadelphia Flyers exposing the NJ Devils as less devils and more familiars (if you get this reference, adjust your frock and return directly to your parents’ basement; it’s your turn in whatever role-playing game your currently in the midst of), the longtime defensively minded coach decided that, like the rest of us, he couldn’t stand watching one more period of the neutral zone trap.

Many will herald this day as the day the trap died, but they should brace themselves for the oncoming disappointment—it’s going to be around a while.

The fact of the matter is that all teams embrace some form of the trap. Most don’t do it for 60 goddamn minutes, but surely you’d be splitting your larynx with shouts for your coaches’ head if he didn’t send his centers up and sag four in the middle of the ice with a lead late in a 2-1 game. That’s just how it is.

Now, I have every reason to be miffed at Lemaire right along with Devils fans. Our reasons are different—their season is over, whereas my prediction of NJ over Philly just looks silly—but I don’t plan to harp on a sixty-four year old man at this moment. Sure, some (Devils fans) complain that Lemaire's once notable ability to bring along young players has waned. Others (Wild fans) say his loyalty to his style often stifled the open-ice abilities of say, guys like Marian Gaborik, but let’s focus on the positive.

By the early 2000s, Lemaire-inspired copycats had slowed the game to a nauseating grind. Then came the ’04-05 lockout. The NHL found itself in worse shape than Grimace after a depression-fueled fry binge. The league was finally forced to do something to improve the game. Thereupon, the two-line pass was interred into the annals of history. By exploiting the limiting nature of the red line, a flaw in the design was exposed and (eventually) remedied. For that, Jacque, we thank you.

Styles aside, the man could coach (excepting the first round of the playoffs the past few years), and, at the very least, all can agree that he impacted the game whilst sharing a part in more Stanley Cups than Matt Duchene can probably remember.

Cigars for everyone! Iupati has arrived!: Actual Samoan may be different than the one pictured

2010-04-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Announcement:

I hope you’ll share in the welcoming of Mike Iupati into our lives. The beautiful 6’5^1/8,” 331 lbs., offensive guard out of University of Idaho was selected by the San Francisco 49^ers with the 17^th pick of the first round in the NFL’s 2010 first-ever three-day fury of football blowhard overkill.

Born in American Samoa, Iupati's family picked up and moved to Cali when Mikey was 14 years old. The family felt, despite their relative wealth in their native unincorporated territory, that this move would provide them with greater opportunity. As he expressed at his combine interview: “I came U.S. [sic] My family decided for us kids to have a better education.” Well buddy, we’re witnessing those dividends pay-off as you speak…and really, how sad is an American Samoan education if it’s inferior to American-proper education?

He pressed on about the transition and the effort it took: “[The family] sacrific[ed] a lot of stuff back in Samoa because we were very well off.”

Oh, no. Was it goats? Please tell me it wasn’t cats or dogs…or, dear god, people?! Was it people? What were they sacrificing? Did I get stuck with a primitive? What were they sacrificing?

Wait! He’s not done.

“…Because coming to the U.S. and realizing how it’s very difficult financially.”

Well...close enough. I think I get it. Like any proud parent, there’s often a period of time when only the mother or father can understand her/his child’s baby-gibberish. I think it’s the same for draft adoptions.

He’s saying the family made a sacrifice by coming to the U.S. because his father was like the Charles Emerson Winchester III of Samoa. However, in the U.S., they find themselves living more like Radar O’Reilly. See, coming here WAS the sacrifice. Thank God! Now I can return to my oneiric fancies of cats and dogs and goats frolicsomely enjoying life in the South Pacific.

Anyway, in high school, he excelled in wrestling and football—which is redundant because I already mentioned he was Samoan—but this Polamalu-esque-be-maned rising star had some issues with the SATs—mainly, that his No. 2 had a penchant for finding wrong answers—and he found himself on the outside-looking-in upon more traditional American Samoan college football powers (USC, UCLA, Arizona…oh for fuck’s sake it’s the PAC-10. Samoans all wind up in the PAC-10).

Then destiny came calling; Idaho decided they were the institution willing to bury their academic standards far beneath the earth like an unwanted barrel of Plutonium-239. Iupati had found new life as a Vandal.

As for his play, this 2009 consensus All-American, Outland Trophy Finalist (he lost to Suh…I mean this is like taking second to a Kenyan in a marathon—could you really expect to do better?), Iupati is a big, strong interior linemen. NFL scouts were impressed by his physicality, and some floated turning him into a tackle. His speed will dictate that likelihood. If a move to tackle does come to fruition, expect no more than right tackle—he might, m i g h t be fast enough for right, but not left. In truth, offensive guard seems to be where he’s best suited. Besides, Wonderlic scores suggest you don’t want to overload this young man with too much of the information stuff. He tested at about half of what the average NFL offensive lineman scores on the Wonderlic (*whisper* he got a 13). Despite stereotypes, O-lines tend to comprise the brightest bulbs of the five dozen or so members of an NFL roster, so you could say the risk of Iupati is that the 'Niners are praying a 40-watter will work as a sun lamp. But hey, in college, the Vandals found success with this. The 'Niners shouldn't push things by making him learn a new position.

Nonetheless, Iupati welcomes any challenge: “I will definitely fit well [with any team, at any position, in any offensive scheme (I have to fill in blanks to complete his thoughts or it’s unintelligible…his nickname should be The Big Lacuna)]. I like double-teaming and it’s very simple…Whatever team picks me, and whatever they want me to play (he better hope it’s football), I will definitely give 110%. I will definitely know that I will be the best at that position.” He will also definitely not use contractions.

The 49^ers come away the winners here. Unlike fellow UI grad, Sen. Larry Craig, Iupati’s wide stance will be a boon to Alex Smith, Frank Gore and whatever schmuck eventually replaces Alex Smith. As San Fran coach Mike Singletary stated to the San Francisco Chronicle, “Teams talk about the value of this, the value of that. Can the guy play? That’s all I want to know.” He can play, coach. He can play. He probably can’t add or write well, but he can play.

To further illuminate the facts to Coach Samurai, last year the Vandals averaged 350 total yards on offense, and one would have to believe that, if given the opportunity, Coach Singletary would jump at the chance to transfer that number to San Fran in 2010 ('Niners averaged 290 yds/game).

Ahhh! But what can I say? Despite it all, Mike Iupati is my draft adoptee. I don’t care what his intelligence is (or isn’t). I want him to succeed. I want his family to recoup for all the sacrifices they made for Mike in order for him to realize his dream. After all, he won’t possess the NFL's lowest Intelligence Quotient ever (see Manley, Dexter). I’ll pull for him with the same enthusiasm that he’ll display pulling for Frank Gore. He’s mine now. I will protect him as such.

For now, I'm just happy he's healthy.

Kareem Jackson in the Heart of Texas, Who the Hell is Kareem Jackson, the Wills Boys Are All Up On Mike Singletary's Jock

2010-04-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

With the 20th pick in the NFL draft the Houston Texans took...Kareem Jackson? With Ryan Matthews being snagged by the Chargers with the 12th pick, it was apparently common knowledge that the Texans would be looking to go for a cornerback to make up for the loss of Dunta Robinson. Apparently Jackson is that man, though Yahoo Sports isn't sure why the Texans wanted to go with the Alabama (Roll Tide?) defensive back over the plethora of other corners who were still on the board.

Jackson has some pretty bad tendencies which includes letting speedier receivers get behind him too quickly. He doesn't have a fantastic first step and isn't really a solid to-the-line cover guy. However, he makes up for these things with his ability and willingness to help out in the run defense and has above average closing speed. He'll definitely be a good addition to the Texans squad though it might take a few games for him to really start adjusting to the speed of the NFL wide receivers.

But enough of that bullshit, who IS THIS GUY? He allegedly told Nick Saban to go fuck himself when he told him to stay for his senior season with the Tide, which, like, anyone who spurns that asshole is deserving of a large and powerful 'attaboy'. He spent his three years in college being pretty much overshadowed by his partner across the field, Javier Arenas, but wanted to come out and prove himself in the combine, which apparently he did. He's a former high school All-American and blah..blah...blah. Nothing juicy at ALL here, this guy seems to be a model fucking citizen, which is fine, but come ON, not even one article about his gardening habits? Jesus. Well, we have a whole year ahead of us, surely there will be something.

Until then, rest assured that the Texans have made a smart pick here, he's got all the raw tools to be successful and seems like a quality guy.

In other news, the Wills boys got BOTH of the San Francisco 49ers draft picks. It's a tad bit hilarious to me that they will be forced to follow the inside track for this team. Though hey, maybe they'll get some season tickets out of it. More to come.

-Terrence Adams

Big Whiffah!!!!

2010-04-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a prophet I am not. I figured there would be some trading going on in this draft, but I wasn't expecting that someone would move into the 11 spot for an offensive lineman. But, the 49ers did just that in order to take Anthony Davis out of Rutgers University.

It would seem as though Davis is set to be the left tackle of the future for the 49ers. At 6'5 and 323lbs, Davis certainly has the size to hold his own at the position, and by all accounts and what little film I've seen on Davis (honestly about 3 minutes) and some of his combind stats (33 inch verticle), he appears to be athletic enough, also.

NFL.com's analysis of him goes as follows;

Strengths:

"Davis has the outstanding combination of size and athleticism necessary to play left tackle at the next level. Displays impressive strength eating up opponents off the ball. Excels in pass protection utilizing his long arms to effectively react and adjust while protecting the blindside. Displays really nice hand use."

Weaknesses:

"Lacks great initial quickness when exploding out of his stance in the running game. Davis is not a natural knee bender. Would like to see him finish strong on a more consistent basis. His self discipline is questionable after he struggled with weight issues in college."

While the pick itself is solid, it does beg the question; why move up for a tackle when Clausen, whom the 49ers seemed to be rather interested in, is still on the board? When the trade came up on the screen, that seemed to make the most sense. Instead, they gave up a pick to get a position they have a large need at, and they filled it with a rather large man, but were the 49ers really concerned that Davis may not be there 2 picks later? The 49ers do pick at 17, so that could have figured in San Francisco's thinking, but that allows a lot of wiggle room for another team to move up to take the Notre Dame quarterback, but giving up a draft pick usually requires more than an offensive lineman.

Again, there is nothing wrong with the pick, since Davis projects to be a great player and on many boards was the top offensive lineman in the draft, but there is some surprise this move wasn't made to bring in a franchise quarterback. If Clausen's leadership skills and the questions about his ability to handle being an NFL quarterback scared San Francisco away, Alex Smith and Shaun Hill should have had them running right back to Clausenville.

But, in the end, this is why I am not an NFL general manager, and by all accounts, Davis will be a strong pick. He will be a prominent force for the San Francisco running game that has been very solid over the last few years, and he will help solidify the protection on the left side for whomever it may be at quarterback for the 49ers. All in all, on a scale from 1-10, I'd rate this pick a B+.

-Ben Wills

Pick 11 Offers a Lot, But What Do I Have to Offer?

2010-04-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

(ed. note: Victrola Cola would like to introduce Ben Wills to the staff. Call him Big Willie Style, he loves that name. He's a smart person, so listen to him)

So, I've inherited the 11th pick in tonight's NFL draft. The anticipation of Chris Berman whispering the obvious all night is killing me (I can't wait for the Ndamukong "Boy Named" Suh debacle to be uttered as if it was clever...or classy), so I thought I'd too take a little gamble on making a prediction ( or merely doing some analysis).

Denver sits 11th on the board and in all honesty, I am willing to bet there is some quiet regret within the organization that they hadn't played so well at the start of the season, because in the end, they didn't make the playoffs and after trading Jay Cutler (2 years ago), as well as Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler this year, they could use the luxury of being able to pick who they want to fulfill their recent needs on offense, and despite a defense that finished 7th overall in the NFL, there are some needs across the board for the Broncos defense. So put as simply as possible, with needs across the board for the Denver Broncos, it is basically up in the air what direction they will eventually go.

Shifting to a 3-4 scheme seemed to help the Broncos defense in 2010, but they were a team that was much better against the pass than against the run. They finished ranked an impressive 3rd against the pass last year, but it was their miserable 26th rank against the run that makes this defense more vulnerable than the overall numbers would suggest. Elvis Dumervil could definitely use someone on the other side of the line to compliment his abilities to rush the passer, but help inside the line or at inside linebacker would probably be a more pressing need right now for Denver.

My assumption is that if Rolando McClain is still available, then the Crimson Tide alum will most likely be making his home in the Mile High City. The problem is that is a very big if. McClain very well could be a top 10 pick, going as high as possibly 5 to Kansas City. If McClain is off the board, Denver might be tempted to take someone along the lines of a Derrick Morgan out of Georgia Tech, or combine darling Jason Pierre-Paul to help add some pop to the pass rush, or entertain Jared Odrick of Penn State or Dan Williams of Tennessee to add strength inside the line, but it is more likely that they would look to the offensive side of the ball for a play maker to replace the loss of Marshall and Scheffler.

Dez Bryant out of Oklahoma State most likely will be on the board after being suspended for most of last year for lying to the NCAA about his relationship with Deion Sanders. In this case, it would be a pretty smart move for Denver to replace some of their lost home-run power on offense with Bryant. His play making ability would be even more attractive if Denver had a big arm to get him the football. Kyle Orton played admirably, as he has his whole NFL career, but you shouldn't expect much more out of him this year. Bryant isn't a breakaway type receiver, has good size, and seems to fit the mold of a possesion type receiver, which fits Orton's style, but again, it's hard to feel great (good is ok, just not great) about Kyle Orton leading your offense. Brady Quinn was traded to Denver, and very well could be the starter, but his skill set doesn't make one feel any better about the QB situation in Denver, which I will get to more in a second.

Another option could be a surprise pick of C.J Spiller from Clemson, but again, this is only if he is still on the board. Denver has about a billion running backs, but they've never shied away from bringing in one more, especially since Spiller figures to play prominently into the passing and return games wherever he goes. This pick is a bit of a stretch, but due to the potential that Spiller could fall to 11 and would be a very attractive player at that spot, I wouldn't be shocked.

What could be possible, albeit quite improbable, is Denver could make a move up, and shock the masses by possibly making a play for Jimmy Clausen. It would almost certainly extract a large "OOOHHHHH" from Berman, thus meaning it's not something that ESPN went over in their production meetings. It's not a move many can say they are anticipating, but this has more legs than Ron Santo (sorry, I had to). Clausen would be a quarterback the Broncos could build around, rather than hoping Quinn's potential becomes actual talent or Orton continues to play with his nose pressed against his talent's ceiling for the next year or 2.

I wish I could be more definitive about the pick at 11, but this 2010 draft has about as many different possibilities as chatroulette.com has phalluses. Whomever goes in this spot in this years draft will have the luxury of being either scorned or lauded by yours truly.

-Ben Wills

Pre-Draft Madness on 6th Avenue, Catering to the Masses, Ryan Matthews Might Be My Man Crush

2010-04-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

We are so close, so very, very close. The NFL Draft is shaking up midtown Manhattan like a badly made martini at a work sponsored mixer. They've actually set up a red carpet stage outside of Radio City Music Hall, which has caused traffic to bottleneck and subsequently clusterfuck its way between 48th Street and 52nd Street. For every regular work-a-day pedestrian there are about fifty jersey-wearing numbnuts loitering around waiting for Chris "Fuckwad" Berman to show up and grace them all with his shitty, shitty presence. My only hope is that I somehow get to meet Chad Ochocinco, as I know for sure that his team of OCNN reporters are creeping around looking for stories.

So what of the draft thus far? Well, everyone with a brain is assuming that we'll see Nebraska's Ndamukong Suh or Oklahoma's Sam Bradford taken first by the St. Louis Rams, and considering the fact that the Rams need help at just about every single position outside of running back, both of these assumptions could prove to be correct. Outside of that, it's a toss-up. The wide reciever crop this year is sub-par and outside of C.J. Spiller the running backs ain't much to look at either. Where this draft is strong is on the defensive side of the ball. Outside of Suh, you have Tennessee's Eric Berry (Safety) and Oklahoma's defensive tackle Gerald McCoy, who is tough as nails. I've broken into a drug-addict-like cold sweat waiting for this stupid fucking thing to start. Come ON already.

At the 20th pick I'll be taking on whatever poor bastard gets picked up by the Houston Texans. That is, of course, barring any kind of trade or movement that would push their pick either up or down the board (for instance, Bleacher Report thinks that San Francisco will have this pick). Regardless, two other mock drafts have Houston taking Fresno State RB Ryan Matthews. Steve Slaton doesn't really have the ability to be the lone horse in that backfield, so this pick makes sense. They need a duo that has both speed and power and Matthews and Slaton certainly cover both of those bases. The guy had 1800 yards rushing and 19 touchdowns for the Bulldogs last year, his best with the team. The scouting combine brought forth this opinion of him:

"Mathews is a good sized running back that runs hard and shows a good burst through the hole. He is a one cut runner that does not waste a lot of time dancing around in the backfield. Once he gets past the first level he could use a bit more elusiveness in space as he has some straight line to him. He tends to run a bit erect but does show upper body strength to stiff arm his way out of a tackle as well as balance on contact to stay on his feet and fight for extra yards. He has struggled to stay healthy as he has missed time in each season at Fresno State."

Though there are certainly some cynics who don't think the Texans will take him with the 20th pick, at this point, as with all things in life, it's a complete fucking mystery.

The draft begins at 7:30 p.m. though I'm already looking for ways to sneak into Radio City Music Hall and put laxative in Jon Gruden's tea. More as it happens.

-Terrence Adams

2010 NFL Big Blogger/Little Draftee Program Methodology

2010-04-22T08:51:00.001-07:00

To make sure the selection of our adopted draft picks was as random as possible, the following highly scientific formula was used:

I had figured from the onset that Powerball was going to play a part, but the question loomed how do we select a Powerball draft order for ourselves? That's where the 1968 Summer Olympics come into play. I assumed that neither Terry nor Ben were at all familiar with the results of the 100m sprint event in Mexico City--I know I wasn't--so I asked them to choose, without any context, from Charles Greene, Jim Hines, and Lennox Miller. Terry selected Lennox Miller (Silver), Ben chose Jim Hines (Gold), leaving me with Charles Greene (Bronze). Thus, the Powerball draft order went Ben, Terry, then me.

Now we return to the Powerball results. Put the white ball/red ball issue aside, I don't have time to sort through that shit, I just needed numbers that were randomly selected. Since no individual ball exceeds 59, I figured we're in business. The NFL draft slots would be determined by the Powerballs. Ben, having picked Jim Hines, would receive the draft slot of the first ball bearing a number equatable to a selection in the First Round of the NFL draft. Terry would receive the next eligible number, and I the third. As you may have noticed, it's possible for there not to be three numbers under 32 (which was the case). So in this event, the first drawn number exceeding 32 would be divided by 2 (and rounded up in event of an odd number), but only after all sub-33 balls had already been assigned.

The Powerball numbers were drawn in Orlando, Florida, last night. They were (in order of the actual drawing) 11, 34, 55, 41, 49, 20. The first number fits our scheme. Ben, with the first pick, will adopt the 11th pick in the NFL draft.

The next four numbers (34, 55, 41, 49) didn't comply with the scheme. However, the Powerball did. Terry, with the second pick, will follow the 20th pick in the NFL draft.

In order to determine my pick, the division-by-two rule from above needed to be invoked. Having gone through all six powerballs and yielding only two picks, I had to return to the beginning. The second ball, 34, was the next eligible number (when divided by two). Therefore, with the third pick, I will coddle/berate the 17th (34/2) pick in the NFL draft.

Now all that's left is the waiting.

-Kyle Wills

NFL Draft Analysis, A Full Year of Following One Guy and All That's Fit To Sprint

2010-04-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. Here's the deal with one aspect of Victrola Cola's draft analysis. We (Kyle, Ben and myself) will be following three randomly selected draft picks throughout their rookie seasons. We do not know who we will be following as of yet. The formula for picking these guys relates to three names and last night's powerball numbers. Don't ask. Once we figure out which guys we'll be going after we'll be spending the entire NFL offseason and the proceeding 2010-11 season seeing how their first seasons pan out. Hopefully they'll be crappy enough that we can somehow gain access to them personally. Pray for us folks, the blog is expanding, and we're gonna try to make this as funny and awesome as we possibly can. Within reason, of course. More later, but for now, stay tuned.

THE NFL DRAFT IS YOURS TO LOVE AND HATE

2010-04-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

We here at Victrola Cola will be following tomorrow's NFL Draft very closely. So closely in fact, that we're going to try to cover this summbitch as its happening, which could prove to be very difficult. You'll hopefully be hearing from staff writers (and brothers) Kyle and Ben Wills and (hopefully) our other seemingly approved authors Doug, Kellie and Melissa. I'll be popping in as well to rag on about how the Bengals didn't a.) make a move for Tony Scheffler and b.) will not draft a speedy wideout. Feel free to rag on with us in the comments, I'm going to leave it open to blogspot folks AND anonymous people who will probably spam the fuck out of us. Have fun with this, kids.

Kyle Wills Predicts the NHL Playoffs, Acknowledges That This Article Will Appear on Facebook

2010-04-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

A note from Terrence Adams:

So here's Kyle Wills' NHL Playoff preview. I know that my baseball previews have been lax. I know that we're two weeks into the season. To compensate for the laziness, I will try desperately to knock out an all encompassing two-week-into baseball article that attempts to talk about how the first few weeks of the season are shaping up. Meanwhile, Kyle Wills would like you to know the following, as sent to me in an email accompanying this document (sic'd):

"i wanted to shoot this to you for victrola cola yesterday because that's when the playoffs started. but then i got called in to meeting after annoying meeting. to keep the integrity of the predictions, i didn't watch any of the games last night, and i didn't look at the scores until i finished the piece today. lo, my predictions took a little hit last night with detroit and san jose losing. nonetheless, figured i'd shoot it to you anyway. i hope the fonts stick, becuase they're all over the place."

No worries Kyle, you're loyalty is duly noted. And now, here's his 2010 NHL Playoff preview:

NHL Playoffs—Round 1

WESTERN CONFERENCE

1 San Jose Sharks vs. 8 Colorado Avalanche

I, for one, thought the subtraction of Jonathan Cheechoo and Milan Michalek would hurt more than it did. Dany “Speedracer” Heatly apparently is better than those two or something. It also helps to have Mr. Let-me-help-you-with-that Joe Thorton (69 assists), Patrick Marleau (44 G), and Dan Boyle (58 pts). They also have a guy named Devin Setoguchi. He’s not So Taguchi. There’s only one So Taguchi, and that guy is very Taguchi. But Devin’s not bad.

The ‘Lanche (I hate that nickname so much I love it) are young and talented (except for Adam Foote who is OOOLLLDDD). And as happens with young teams, they don’t know they’re not supposed to win. Paul Stastny (age 24), Chris Stewart (22), Matt Duchene (19), and Kyle “Charles” Cumiskey (23) are set to give the Sharks fits. They’re going to punch the Sharks as hard as possible right in the nose. Besides, goalie Craig Anderson is from Chicago suburb Park Ridge—the same town as my stepfather—so I imagine he sits in net saying things like, “Whuh? I jus’ made two, tree saves in row. Come on Torton and Heatly, I’ll stone da bodeeyas.”

Outcome: Oh Danny Boyle, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Avs will make them sweat, but Sharks take it…eventually. (They can’t choke again, right?)

2 Chicago Blackhawks vs. 7 Nashville Predators

Here come the Hawks, the mighty Blaaackhawks. Here come the Hawks. I swear they're coming.

So “Dollar” Bill Wirtz died and a new dawn of Chicago hockey lighted upon the south shores of Lake Mishigami. New owner, Rocky Wirtz is a chip off the old block. However, the old block in this case must be his mother. He makes every decision as though he asks himself, “What would pop do?” Then does the exact opposite.

The team, in the meantime, is young and, strangely, experienced. They reached the Conference Finals last year before Detroilet decided they wanted to be the team to lose to Pittsburgh. Everyone knows Toews, Kane, Keith and Seabrook. Not everyone knows Niklas Hjalmarsson (who has flat out been better than the touted Seabrook since the abortion in Vancouver), Dustin “We could have won gold if I were on team USA” Byfuglien, or Andrew Ladd. (Quick aside. A message for those Chi-towners who have a bug up their asses about Byfuglien’s play, saying he half-asses it during the regular season: First, shut up. Second, go back to the bleachers of Wrigley where bigotry is accepted. Third, he was a fucking animal in the playoffs last year, and I, for one, like wins in the spring much more than wins in late autumn.)

(Another quick aside: how awesome are these announced asides? So far there have been like 10 asides, but only two [including this one] have been announced. Better still, there’s nothing quick about them. But I digress.)

That all said, there is the goaltending situation. Antti Niemi mercifully took over after Cristobal Huet developed an allergy to frozen rubber. But Niemi hasn’t been perfect. He wasn’t part of last year’s playoff run either. In fact, he’s never squatted between the posts in the playoffs at all. Huet, on the other hand, has played in the postseason and has lost every series he’s participated in. That, my friends, is so Huet. (He’s Hueorrible).

Nashville is a dreadful draw for the Hawks, mainly because of style clashes. Hawks like to fly. Preds like to crawl, though it’s not as though Nashville is without weapons. Sweet-skatin’ vet, Steve Sullivan, has had himself a damn fine year and wound up tied for team lead in points with 51 (Sullivan 17G, 34 A; Patric Hornqvist 30G, 21A). Meanwhile, Martin Erat continues to escape the radars of most hockey fans, but make no mistake, he’s the best player on the team. Couple this with steady blueliners Marcel Goc, Ryan Suter, Dan Hamhuis and Shea Weber and you’ve got yourself a team that outpaced the Red Wings until the Olympic break.

Outcome: It’s a fight to the Finnish. Niemi and Pekka Rinne are the Fins with waffle-boards. Barring a dramatic collapse in goal, the Hawks’ deep talent should win the day. I’ll put it this way, pay attention to the Hawks’ fourth line and keep reminding yourself this is the FOURTH line.

3 Vancouver Canucks vs. 6 Los Angeles Kings

Brian Burke must feel silly. In 1999 he drafted Daniel Sedin with the 2nd pick in the first round. He then selected Henrik Sedin with the 3rd pick. Henrik just finished the year leading the NHL with 112 pts. Daniel only had 85. However, both had 29 goals (Can’t they do anything separately?). Still, the egg must be all over GM Burke’s face. Henrik is so much the better Sedin.

Even beyond the twins, Vancouver is pretty deep. Ryan Kesler is good. Mayson Raymond is good (and has great name-potential for a courtroom drama after he retires…I’ll call it “Mayson Raymond, Esquire.” He’ll suddenly develop a drawl and say quirky things that confuse his playing days with his lawyering, like:

Raymond: “I’d like to crosscheck the witness now.”

Judge McGeough: “You mean cross-examine.”

Raymond: (perplexed, with squinched brow) “What did I say?”

I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.)

Sami Salo, Alex Edler, and Christian Ehrhoff (ridiculous +36, if you believe in that stat) make for some solid D with a bit of O to boot.

The Los Angeles Kings are yet another team that qualify as young and dangerous. Anze Kopitar (age 22), Dustin Brown (25), Drew Doughty (20), Jack Johnson (23), and Jonathan Quick (24) serve as the proof. The question is can Michal Handzus and Ryan Smyth counter the unbridled youth with a bit of wily veteran calm. As much as I like these players, I’m just not sure it’ll be enough.

Outcome: I’m so tempted to call for the upset here. But I can’t. The only way the Kings pull this off is if Luongo takes a big Italian meatball dump in his goal jock. His track record doesn’t portend well for L.A. He’s too solid under pressure.

4 Phoenix Coyotes vs. 5 Detroit Red Wings

Who led the Coyotes in scoring this year? Shane Doan? Radim Vrbata? Matt Lombardi?

No. Nope. And no. It was Wojtek Wolski (63 pts). Now to be fair, 47 of those 63 points came with the Colorado Avalanche before he was dealt in March, so he didn’t really lead the team. But he can score. The Red Wings should just be thankful that there aren’t shootouts in the postseason; Vrbata had 8 goals in the extra, extra frame, Lauri Korpikoski had 7; Wolski was a paltry 1 for 15 this year (between Colorado and Phoenix), but last year was 10 for 12.

Nonetheless, the real story here is Ilya Bryzgalov. He was 3rd in wins in the NHL. Of course goalies are important in the playoffs, everybody knows that, but Bryzgalov even more so. The Coyotes don’t have the same fire power as teams like the Capitals, Blackhawks, or Canucks. They can’t make up multiple-goal deficits with the regularity of the aforementioned.

The Red Wings struggled early, suffered injuries, and appeared to be headed toward their first early summer vacation since Kid ‘N Play’s House Party was all the rage. Unfortunately (for the rest of the Western Conference), they got healthy. They also seemed to be about the only team to improve after the Olympic break.

Datsyuk and Zetterberg make this team go. They play hockey like Chinese gymnasts flip—impressively well. And also like Chinese gymnasts, I don’t want them to succeed. The rest are the same fucks who have been around for-seemingly-ever: Holmstrom, Lidstrom, Draper, Franzen, Helm, Kronwall, Gordie Howe. Wait…Howe did retire. Didn’t he?

On top of it all, no matter what asshole they throw in net, he excels. Jimmy Howard (rookie) wins 37 games with a .924sv%. Chris Osgood’s on the bench. Osgood’s played a few important playoff games himself, if you know what I’m saying.

Outcome: The best news of this series is that the Coyotes have home ice; therefore, Dave Tippet gets to set his lines first in 4 of the 7 games while Mike Babcunt will undoubtedly be bitching about something. The bad news is that Phoenix is catching a hot team—Detroit 8-1-1 in their last ten; Phoenix 5-3-2—and I can’t envision their offense keeping up with Detroit’s.

Recap: On to round 2 go San Jose, Chicago, Vancouver and Detroit.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

In the spirit of Carl from Aqua Teen, I give my Eastern Conference review:

Hey sports fans, so apparently they’re going to allow the NHL playoffs to proceed even though those scumbags from Philly had to cheat—yet again—to win against the beloved Blueshirts and take the final spot for the playoffs. Do they actually expect people to root for teams from Jersey or Boston? Please. I’d rather the Giants trade Eli Manning to the Cowboys in return for Mr. Jessica Simpson. And speaking of the Giants, I am 95% certain that I am going to boo whoever they pick in the draft, because I already know I can’t stand that guy…whoever he is…unless it's Cody Manning…in which case I’ll quietly boo until HE FUMBLES HIS FIRST SNAP AND I SUE FOR THE DAMAGES RESULTING FROM MY SUBSEQUENT THROWING OF MY UNOPENED SPARKS THROUGH THE TELEVISION.

So in conclusion, with New York out of it, I’ll just name the teams I hate least: Buffalo, Washington—like Montreal’s better, Ottawa, and New Jersey. You hear that Jersey? I picked you. But listen, this is it! We’re even! We have now officially paid you back for all your first responders on 9-11.

-Kyle Wills

Look, It's Baseball...A Note on the Breast Cancer Walk...Duke vs. Butler or Why On Earth Didn't West Virginia Use the Full Court Press?

2010-04-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

Oh, baseball, where have you been? It's been a long a brutal winter without you. Football was an interesting stop-gap, sure, but lets be honest now, even a Saints Super Bowl victory didn't make us forget that you, beloved baseball, were in full-on hibernation mode. The Olympics, NBA and NHL spent their time trying to make us all forget you, but we're smarter than that. So now, on this opening night of the 2010 season, Victrola Cola will now offer you a team by team run down, starting with the...

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

Cincinnati Reds

This team is perplexing, isn't it? They have so much talent and yet still nobody thinks that they are capable of overcoming the Cubs, Cardinals and Brewers (nobody except Sean Casey, which, like, swoon). Given, everything about them is a huge question mark. Will Joey Votto have the breakout season everyone is expecting? Will Scott Rolen stay healthy? Can Orlando Cabrera be as sound defensively as he once was? Will Aroldis Chapman be effective on the major league level? Can Homer Bailey continue his growth on the mound? Can Harang somehow figure out how to convince people to score runs when he's starting? I mean, the list goes on and on and on. It's a mystery wrapped inside of an enigma, a true 'IF THEY CAN THEN THEY WILL' story. As a fan, I certainly hope that they will, I definitely think that they have the pieces to make it happen. Their starting pitching is solid from front to back and will become even scarier once Edinson Volquez returns after the All-Star break. Their bullpen is steady and actually managed to improve by putting Micah Owings in the long reliever spot. The only real problem spot is in left field. Sure, Jonny Gomes might be the solution this year, but there is a definite need to get the young slugger Juan Francisco to figure out how the hell to be more patient at the plate. The kid can mash, but he also swings at everything and cannot, for the life of him, hit left handers. His defense isn't amazing, which is why his hitting needs to level out, because otherwise he's gonna be another life long AAA All-Star.

I'm projecting the Reds to come in third in the Central this year, but if (if!) all the pieces come together, they might be a team that can really challenge the Cardinals reign.

St. Louis Cardinals

Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter. Those four players are the main reason the Cards will be riding in the pole position all season long. They might also be the reason they crash and burn. Allow me to extrapolate: if any one of those players gets hurt (and lord knows Carpenter has a history) then this team becomes drastically different. Pujols will have his usual numbers and I don't really see him having injury problems and Holliday only seemed to get better as the year went on last season, but if either of those two ace pitchers goes down, the weight will fall to a pitching staff that, without the two headed beast, becomes pretty tame. Kyle Lohse has been pitching out of his mind, but he's Kyle Lohse, and as any Reds fan can tell you, he is not reliable. Brad Penny is a fairly steady guy, but can he reach the 12-15 wins the team needs him to get? If Carpenter goes down, which guy fills his role? It gets a little sketchy, doesn't it? Ryan Franklin isn't really a lock down closer, but he's consistent and won't make the kind of mistakes that will oust him from the spot. There is no doubt, the Cardinals are tough and they are the favorite, but again, watch out for the injury bug, it might hit this team hard.

The Cardinals will finish first in the Central, but I don't have to like it.

Chicago Cubs

First of all, fuck the Cubs. Outside of Red Sox nation, this team's fanbase is maybe the worst in all of sports. The sheer level of douchebaggery that is irreversibly embedded in Wrigley Field makes the cast of Jersey Shore look like middle school bullies. Also, everyone seems to think that this is the year that the Cubs will figure out how to win with the talent they have, which is gut wrenchingly hilarious. So this is the year that Alfonso Soriano is going to actually be worth the insane money the Cubbies are paying him? What exactly has he done as a Cub that makes you say that? Has he won an MVP as a Cub? No. Has he won a batting title as a Cub? No. Has he improved his defense as a Cub? No. He's only getting older, folks, and at 34, his hay day is getting further and further away in his rear view. Aramis Ramirez is a legitimate threat in the middle of that lineup, but he's gotta stay healthy. Derrek Lee may or may not be a threat, he seems to be one of those 'every other season' guys that wows you one year and then drops a .255 batting average on you the next. Zambrano is iffy in the ace spot. At times he can be utterly dominating, but in between those times he's losing his temper and trying to beat the shit out of his teammates. The guy is more emotionally unstable than a sorority girl during pledge week. Carlos Marmol has the talent at closer to dominate, but he's erratic and can't seem to have two perfect ninth innings in a row.

The Cubs are rolling into fourth place this year, behind the Reds.

Milwaukee Brewers

Yeah, I know, Yovani Gallardo isn't proven and Trevor Hoffman is old, but this team is still scary. Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun are maybe the most electric one two punch in the division and their surrounding offensive cast has the potential to be extremely entertaining to watch. Rickie Weeks will be looking to build upon a disappointing and injury shortened 2009 and Jim Edmonds will be looking to prove that he is still a viable player in the league. All told, this team has yet to really fulfill its potential, but I think this is the year that things kind of almost maybe come together for them.

They'll be second in the Central and be one of the few teams fighting for a Wild Card spot.

Houston Astros

Offensively this team is very, very dangerous. They better be, because their pitching staff is fucking terrible. Wandy Rodriguez does not an ace make and Roy Oswalt seems to have lost something over the last two years that makes him very vulnerable. Who else is there, Brett Myers? Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket, that's no way to set up a pitching staff, son. Especially when you're going to be handing the ball to maybe the worst bullpen (next to the Pirates) in the division after five or six innings. Brandon Lyon will not be making it through this season healthy and Matt Lindstrom, though serviceable, will be pitching a lot of 2 inning games, which will destroy his stamina as the season wears on. Again, their offense is very strong. Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee will be bashers in the middle of the lineup and Michael Bourn may be the best all around player in the division right now that no one is paying attention to (much like Nyjer Morgan was last year when he was with the Pirates).

They'll come in fifth this year, but don't be surprised if you see some rebuilding-minded trades happen after the All-Star break that make this team a contender for years to come.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Ho boy, where to start. Well, lets start with the good: Andrew McCutchen is primed to become one of the best players in baseball this year. I have no doubt that he will get thirty homeruns and snag thirty stolen bases with ease. Zach Duke and Ross Ohlendorf are a decent combo in the pitching rotation, but they are going to have to rely heavily on a bull pen that is shaky at best. Octavio Dotel is their best reliever, and...well...Octavio Dotel is their best reliever.

The Buccos are heading in the right direction (just as long as Bobby Crosby isn't driving the bus), but they still aren't ready to contend in the Central. They'll finish last, but with fists!

I'll hit up the NL East next, be ready.

Potpouri! So I was riding the subway this morning on my way to work and saw an ad for the upcoming NYC Breast Cancer walk in October. The tag line for the walk was 'In It To End It', which seems like a strange thing to be saying to men and women who are suffering from a life threatening disease. Why not just say 'Walk Towards The Light' or some shit like that. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Where was West Virginia's full court press last night? Did they not realize that they were down ten for pretty much the entire second half and needed to maybe...oh...I don't know...try to get turnovers? Also, they DID realize that every single fucking player on Duke can shoot threes, yes? ALSO ALSO, Zoubeck (Duke's center) should have been called for over the back five or six times but wasn't. He was the first player I've seen who has been able to continue playing with twelve personal fouls. Now, I know everyone thinks that Butler winning would be awesome (I do!), but lets be honest; these underdog fairy tale stories never work out like that. You're going to hear about the movie Hoosiers, you're going to hear about the home crowd advantage in Indy and then you're going to see the Duke Blue Devils wipe the floor with them. It will be sad and you will turn off your television before CBS starts cumming all over Coach K's face while he lifts the trophy. Blech.

Stay strong. Go Reds.

-Terrence Adams

You Can Too: A Note on Submitting

2010-04-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hello readers. Wait, there are people who read this, right? Well, for the sake of what I'm about to tell you, lets just assume that there are, okay? Okay. So, if you have something sports related that you'd like to bestow upon the world, whether it be something involving your undying love of curling or your stat by stat breakdown of each team in Major League Baseball, you should write up an article and send it to me, your humble editor-in-chief, Terrence Adams. I will pretty much publish anything so long as it's coherent and grammatically sound. So send me your articles, heathens. Surprise me.

-Terrence Adams

Bracketology Is Not Your Friend...A Point Gets Lost...You're With Me, Lacedarius

2010-03-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Butler, Duke, West Virginia and Michigan State. Four basketball programs that have fought through adversity, relied on guts, raw talent and intelligence to power through this year's NCAA tournament to reach the Final Four platform in Indianapolis. They are schools that carry with them history and legacies. For Butler, it's the fact that their very own basketball arena was used in the movie Hoosiers, for Duke it's Coach K and the plethora of players that have made pit stops through Durham before reaching the NBA, for West Virginia....well...umm...okay, well...Bob Huggins used to coach Cincinnati when they had Kenyon Martin and Ruben Patterson, so there's that and Michigan State has Tom Izzo, who has by and large been the best coach in college basketball over the last fifteen years.

Great schools, right? Great matchups, yes? Well guess what, I didn't pick any of them to be in my Final Four. You know why? Because I'm just not smart enough to understand why some underdogs win and some lose. I'd like to think that I called the Kentucky loss (I said, over and over that the only way they'd go down is if they got down by more than 10 and panicked, which is exactly what they did, West Virginia's maturity down the stretch was just too overwhelming), but really, that was a total fucking fluke. I had those bastards going to the championship game anyways. The same with Ohio State, Syracuse and Villanova, all of whom bit the dust harder than a death metal band taking a swim in wet cement. Murray State winning? Nope. Cornell? Nope. I think perhaps what the problem really comes down to is that there are just too many goddamn teams. How am I supposed to keep track of every team in the field throughout an entire season? I have a hard enough time keeping up with the Buckeyes and the Big Ten.

You'll say, of course, that picking the tourney correctly comes down to luck anyways, and you'll proceed to tell me the story of some friend of a friend's girlfriend who picked the teams based solely on mascot cuteness and won five thousand bucks, but you and I both know that's a heap of bullshit, there has to be some math involved, right? I mean, Kentucky picking apart Cornell was not the end of a string of luck for the Ivy League underdogs, it was a vastly better team talent wise completely exploiting the other team's complete lack of talent. Kentucky would beat Cornell 100 times out of 100, I am convinced of this fact. I guess that's why the mid-seeded match ups are the hardest to pick. You can't pit a Murray State against a Duke and hope for an upset nearly as much as picking a Butler over a Syracuse. Of course, Northern Iowa and Ohio University negate this fact simply because they beat two amazing programs in Georgetown and Kansas, but really, you're going to tell me that Kansas and G'Town don't hold the majority of that responsibility? OU beats G'Town then plays Tennessee and gets creamed, Northern Iowa knocks out Kansas then goes ahead and gets beat by Michigan State.

Shrug...I'm ranting, I know this, there is no direct point and no real thesis here.

All I'm saying, really, is that next year, instead of doing a crash course in each team's stats and match up possibilities, I'm just going to make my picks based solely on the names of the high scorers on each team. Lord knows if I would have done that this year I would have had Lacedarius Dunn and Baylor going much further than the first round.

Enjoy the Final Four everyone, I'm calling a West Virginia and Michigan State championship, but don't quote me on that.

-Terrence Adams

And Now An Educated Look at the Big Ten Expansion

2010-03-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

If you follow collegiate athletics you are probably acutely aware of the Big Ten’s plans for expansion within the next year to year and a half. If you do not care, you should. The Big Ten is on the verge of fundamentally changing the collegiate football landscape. To understand how all of this will impact the entire league, we first have to understand what the Big Ten is. First and foremost, the Big Ten is the wealthiest conference in terms of television revenue—raking in $242M last year and dividing that evenly amongst all conference members for $22M each. Next, all conference members are affiliated with the Association of American Universities. Membership in this group essentially means you are one of the leading universities in the nation in terms of research. The Committee on Institutional Cooperation is an organization with nearly $6B in research funds available to its members—which all of the Big Ten schools belong to. Academically, all of the Big Ten universities are ranked. All of the Big Ten schools exceed 20,000 in enrollment with the exception of Northwestern—who has one of the largest endowments in the nation with their sub 10,000 enrollment. It is not all about academics in the Big Ten. Every school in the Big Ten has enjoyed at least 1 NCAA athletic championship and several of the most prestigious athletic schools in the country belong to the Big Ten. What is the profile of the Big Ten? Essentially, all Big Ten universities are flagship, Midwestern schools that not only excel in academics and research but athletics as well.

Why does all of this matter? Money alone would warrant any school in the country to seriously consider Big Ten membership. So it is not a stretch to say that if the Big Ten wants you, you will probably want them back. It has been discussed by the Big Ten to add as many as 5 schools. If you really start to think about it, it becomes difficult to find schools that fit the profile. Schools like Cincinnati, Louisville, and West Virginia are laughable. Not only do they have very little to offer the Big Ten, but they strike out in almost every category of the Big Ten profile. More likely candidates include Pittsburgh, Rutgers, Missouri, Syracuse, and Notre Dame. The relationship between the Big Ten and Notre Dame is strenuous to say the least so it is difficult to estimate if the Big Ten will consider them or if they will consider the Big Ten in return. Now you get to more interesting candidates as well: Texas and Nebraska. The theme here: whatever the Big Ten does it is likely not going to be in their own backyard so the conference footprint is about to expand dramatically. Part of this is intentional as more television markets will warrant more revenue for the conference.

Virtually all of these teams are a part of some kind of scenario that has been speculated. In the case of Texas, there is speculation that Texas A&M would have to come along if the state legislature would approve the move. The Big East, with fewer than 9 schools already could not withstand more than 1 school leaving the conference. All of this talk about plucking teams from the Big 12 as well has gotten the PAC-10 considering a similar move. Candidates for them have included Texas schools, Colorado, and some Mountain West universities. Now stop for a second and consider all of this. Two of the most storied and prestigious conferences are considering expanding to 16 teams. The ACC, SEC, and Big 12 all have at least 12 members now. It seems likely that dramatic shifts for the Big 12 and Big East could potentially murder their conference prestige. At the end of the day, we could be left with only 4 relevant, super conferences. Not only would this bust the BCS, it would likely redefine the football divisions as we know them. We are entering a period that will completely alter collegiate athletics as we know them, where schools travel greater distance to compete and can make more money by cutting out the smaller universities. For now, the ball is in the Big Ten’s hands and everyone else is waiting to make their move.

-Anthony Moran

A Girl and America's Game

2010-02-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

In the summer my Dad and I would cruise around New Jersey streets in his primer gray Buick with the windows down. I would run my hand through the breeze, while my Dad listened to baseball crackle through the a.m. radio. Classic Americana. My sweaty 10-year-old thighs would stick to the maroon vinyl bench seats, while we rode without speaking. He never made me wear my seatbelt.

I have a love of baseball, having never actually been a fan of baseball. I feel an affinity for it. It was something my dad and I shared, not because I collected baseball cards or, knew player’s names and stats; it was shared experience, shared peace.

He and I never had a close relationship. There was always a sea of distance between us, a disconnect. But being in the same space, listening to games, the same games he was listening to, made me feel like I was part of him.

In his car, in between my hazy daydreams of new Thundercats and summer camp, I would catch the crowd’s shock and awe over the radio. As the announcer narrated the action on the field, I imagined my dad and I were seeing the same fly ball, not that I even knew (or know) what that means.

For me baseball became soothing, comforting, and consistent. I knew that each summer it would be there, that my dad would always be there, even if he, even if baseball, couldn’t fulfill all of my desires.

Now as an adult, I still find that there is something about the sport that I have tied myself to, perhaps I have just fallen victim to America’s nostalgia for the game, for its rich history, for my own personal history. Perhaps I have just been seduced by it’s warm masculinity.

Regardless, I still lay no claim to a favorite team, nor care to carry on conversations about the players. What I do know is that when I think about baseball, when I watch a game, and especially when I hear a game, that I feel love. While never a fan, I have a great respect for the game and will always remain baseball’s secret admirer.

- Melissa M. Boronkas

Miracle Gets Iced

2010-02-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

There is a certain level of history that is not lost on hockey players. Their sport requires them to respect their elders. This is what sets hockey players apart from their contemporary counterparts in other sports. The NBA is all about the big name scoring the most points, the NFL -- though hugely popular in comparison to the NHL -- caters less to history than it does to those with ADD. Even America's pastime of baseball is outsourcing its heritage to players from other countries (which, okay, okay, is not a bad thing, it just is).

But the NHL is different. The last thing these guys look at is the number of zeros on their paychecks. They want to be victorious, they want to do it for the cities they play in and for the players they suit up with, regardless of whether or not it's in the regular season or in the 2010 Olympics.

Last night this point was proven yet again. The U.S. came out and electrified an entire nation that may have forgotten at times that the NHL still existed. The Canadians pulled back and carried with them the arrogance not just of the plethora of future Hall of Famers on their current roster, but that of the rich and storied tableau that led their country and this sport to where it is now.

The U.S. pulled off a miracle alright, on the ice and in the hearts and minds of a fan base that at times lays dormant while other more popular sports overshadow the proceedings.

They wore their nation's colors and did their best to bring something special to us. We should all be thankful that their dedication does not reside on the dotted line. We should all be thankful for a sport that still leans heavily on respect, comradery and, above all, loyalty.

Our U.S. national team proved last night that, above all, they are loyal to us.

- Terrence Adams