It's Mike Iupati and I'll Cry If I Want To

Mike Iupati reported to Santa Clara a week ago for ‘Niners rookie camp. I can't believe he's all grown up.

When we last left Mikey, scouts were praising his moai-like stature and some were even wondering about his potential move to tackle. Speed and quickness (in both its mental and physical applications) were the questions. It seems like Iupati answered the speed part of the question in Singletary’s “nutcracker drill.” Coach was pleased. Iupati impressed.

Iupati also took a step toward a starting role as left guard David Baas suffered a concussion, meaning he’ll be getting all the reps with the first team for at least a little while—more time to continue to impress.

For now, it seems that Iupati has jumped ahead of Benny’s draft baby, Anthony Davis (http://victrolacola.blogspot.com/2010/04/big-whiffah.html), on the depth charts.

More on his performance as camp wears on. But for now, my concern is not with Iupati the football player, but with the young man on his own for the first time. What is he to do in his new Santa Clara surroundings? Well, I have a letter for my young Samoan draftee.

Dear Mikey,

It turns out Santa Clara is the sister city of Izumo, Japan. For that reason, maybe you could go to Santa Clara's Kobe Japanese Restaurant and try the koroke. And no, silly, the restaurant has nothing to do with the Lakers and the food has nothing to do with singing James Taylor songs in front of Asian businessman.

Santa Clara is in the heart of Silicon Valley which should help keep you humble as your $320,000/year deal is servants pay in these parts (see McAfee, Intel, Namco Bandai, Sun Microsystems, Silicon Valley). So these are some things you can do without breaking the bank:

*See an Earthquakes game. Yeah, they carry the “San Jose” moniker, but they play in Santa Clara.

*Contact your local Audobon Society chapter and go on a burrowing owl sightseeing trip.

*Head out to the Almaden Quicksilver County Park. And no, there is no Almaden team. That’s something different. But you can learn about the mercury mining past and gaze at the interesting flora, but watch out for poison-oak. It may be pretty, but it’s itchy.

Most of all, have fun and eat your vegetables.

-Kyle Wills

TEXT WARS VOLUME TWO: BEN TAKES THE LONG WAY AROUND AND ENDS UP LOSING ANYWAYS

The following is part of an ongoing feature that involves text messages sent between Victrola Cola contributors Ben Wills and Terrence Adams, who live in separate cities and can't insult each other face to face. 

(out of the blue)

Ben: Terry, you've been traded to the Orioles for Brady Anderson, Ben McDonald, Glenn Davis, a snack pack, a Joy Division vinyl record, a Maxi pad, the 1960's Colts, a BLT sandwich, 3 Men and a Baby (the movie) and 4 weddings and a funeral (not the movie).

(no response to this, but the battle picked up the next day when Terrence learned that Ben had to have socks put on his hands when he came down with chicken pox at 2 years of age.)

Terrence: You should really put socks on your hands so you don't scratch yourself

Ben: You should really grow a penis so you have an excuse to scratch yourself.

Terrence: Jerk store called, they're runnin' outta YOU.

Ben: Oh yeah, well the wimp store called and you're on back order! FACE!

(This was followed by a highly intelligent (seriously) discourse concerning the Reds not making any moves at the trade deadline and whether or not Jake Westbrook going to the Cardinals would be a game changer in the NL Central. And Then...)

Ben: Don't take this in a gay way, but we would make a great tag team.

Terrence: BUSHWHACKERS!

Ben: Minus the bush (at least on my part).

Terrence: Landing strip whackers!

That's all for round 2.  I think, in retrostpect, that Ben probably won this, but only because of that first text, which I laughed out loud at in front of a girl.  Stupid girls. 

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

The Cincinnati Reds Are Hellbent On Hurting My Feelings

This is apropos of nothing, I just like the name Bip Roberts

We are now ten games into the second half of the Reds' season and because of some glitch in the matrix they are a mere half game behind the first place St. Louis Cardinals in the NL Central.

Some might say that they are holding on by the hairs on Jonny Gomes' chinny chin chin, and they would be exactly right.  Let's run down a short list of things that need to happen in order for the Reds to make the playoffs:


1. Edinson Volquez must return to form

In the two starts since returning from his year long recovery from multiple shoulder surgeries, Volquez has shown that it might be a bit of a slog before he becomes a consistently productive starter once again.  Against the Rockies, he was untouchable, going six innings and giving up one run on three hits.  Against the Nationals (!), however, he went two and a third, giving up six earned runs while only getting 38 of his 76 pitches through the strike zone.  It's easy right now to pass off that second start as Edinson shaking off the rust of being out of the game for so long, but if we're going to have any shot at either overtaking the Cardinals or winning the Wild Card, we absolutely need him to, more than anything, be consistently serviceable.  He needs to find his control and not get frustrated.  The Reds have a pretty soft schedule the rest of the way, which means he'll be facing some fairly weak opponents over the next two months.  If he struggles mightily against the likes of the Pirates and Astros, we might be in some deep, deep trouble.


2. Scott Rolen needs to get healthy

Joey Votto is hands down our best player, but Scott Rolen is this team's heart.  He is the leader everyone looks to in the clubhouse and the veteran who anchors the infield.  It was inevitable that he would fall victim to the injury bug, but the tenuous look the Reds have when he's out of the lineup is worrisome.  They not only need him in the dugout, they need him on the field and at the plate.  Though Miguel Cairo has been a wonderful surprise thus far in Rolen's stead, he is not Rolen.  Hopefully his hamstring issue will be short lived and he can get back out on the field for the stretch run.


3. Something's gotta give with the bullpen

Right now our bullpen is relying heavily on a batch of young and unproven arms.  Logan Ondrusek has been extremely steady since being recalled from AAA and Jordan Smith has definitely been a reliable arm in recent weeks, but it's hard to say how these guys will react as the pressure of a pennant race builds.  It stands to reason that either Russ Springer or Jason Isringhausen will fill a void before the season's end.  Both are veterans with loads of post season and big game experience and both have seemingly no ceiling for their performance.  Springer has been solid thus far in Louisville and may get called up as early as mid-August.  Isringhausen, on the other hand, hasn't pitched regularly in over a year and is coming off of Tommy John surgery, so it's a pretty hazy forecast for him until he starts facing live hitting and shows us what kind of stuff he still has.  There's still a possibility that the Reds will add a bullpen arm through a deadline trade, but the market is fairly barren at this point and they may be content to just go with what they have.  That being said...


4.  It is in the Reds' best interest to pick up a right handed hitter via trade

The Reds have been shutout 12 times this season.  For those of you playing at home, that's the most of any team in the majors.  The majority of those shutouts were 1-0 heartbreakers.  This team, for all of its offensive prowess, at times has an extremely hard time putting runs on the board.  Some of this has to do with guys like Scott Rolen and Ramon Hernandez being out, but more than that it has to do with the sporadic hitting of everyone else in the lineup.  Jay Bruce, Drew Stubbs, Jonny Gomes and Brandon Phillips embody the very definition of 'streaky'.  They need one more bat to go along with Rolen and Votto to steady things out.  I for one would love to see Ty Wigginton on this team, but no matter who it is, he has to be a consistent hitter and capable of playing more than one defensive position.  We have plenty of prospects to dangle in front of teams, it's imperative that we use them.

5.  Beat the Cardinals

Cincinnati has six more games against the Cardinals.  Three at home and three in St. Louis.  They must either win or split this series.  There is no room for error, especially considering the favorable schedule the Reds have down the stretch.



The most important part of this, of course, is for the fans to enjoy the ride.  It's been a long time since our Redlegs have been competitive and they currently stand to finish above .500 for the first time in ten years.  That alone should be cause for celebration.  The World Series would just be icing on the cake.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

TEXT WARS VOLUME ONE: BEN WILLS VS. TERRENCE ADAMS

Myself and Ben Wills do not live in the same state.  This has not stopped us from waging a text war against one another that is filled with utter sports-related vitriol.  This is the first installment in what will surely be a long running series entitled...well...just look above, doofus. 

The following exchange occurred on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010.  It is offensive, so if you don't like offensive things, cover your eyes.  Onto the good times:

(Out of the blue)

Ben: I'll trade you my Sid Bream and Tom Pagnozzi for your Kelly Gruber and Bob Walk.

Terrence: Throw in your Anthony Peeler Lakers jersey and it's a deal.

Ben: I was considering a Loy Vaught or Mark Eaton signed picture.

Terrence: fag.

Ben: Don't be so hard on yourself.

Terrence: I'm trying not to be but this picture of Terry Pendleton's balls I'm looking at is getting me all worked up.

Ben: He strikes me as the type that would have good, wholesome, quality pubes.

Terrence: Like looking at a well groomed persian cat.

(After watching Randy Winn hit a homerun against the Phillies)

Terrence: Do me a favor and drive down to St. Louis and put a bat through Randy Winn's kneecap.

Ben: Or I could go have some drinks with their pitching staff.

Terrence: Ryan Franklin loves body shots.

Terrence: He really loves doing them off of La Russa's ass crack.

And there you have it, Text Wars Volume One.  More soon. 

Earmuffs.

Onward. 

- Terrence Adams 
 

It Was Worth It

Okay, so it’s a little after the fact. And yes, by this point many of the key components of the Hawks Stanley Cup run have been shipped off. And sure one thinks less about hockey when the thermometer reads triple digits. Nonetheless, I will transcribe here what was written a month and a half ago as game one approached.

What follows was written on the eve of the Cup Finals opener in Chicago. There were no follow-ups as I could barely keep my lunch down as the games proceeded, let alone write something about them. Spectating games of championship magnitude, for those of the die-hard sort, often requires a certain intestinal diligence. Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t feel things in my heart or head, I feel them in my stomach. Literally—my stomach gets uneasy.

If you’ll recall (if there’s really a you out there), I made predictions throughout the Stanley Cup playoffs. I was like a sunset—brilliant in the West, blind dark in the East.

Something had to give in the finals.

Just thinking back to a few short weeks ago has already alleviated some of the summer swoon that engulfs the East presently. Belated…yes. Untimely…never. Ahhh, cold steel on ice.

From May 29, 2010:

I’m on the plane as I write this. I got the itch on Monday. I was febrile by Wednesday. On Thursday I decided it had to be done. Today is Friday, a little more than 24 hours till puck drop.

When I was little, I played more hockey than I watched—and I didn’t play that often. Each winter we had to wait till “the marina” froze over.

The Marina was a little harbor carved into the water-filled gouge of strip mine aftermath we called Goose Lake. The marina, shielded from the wind, always froze first. We’d drag two railroad ties to the ice because we didn’t have real nets. We didn’t use goalies. The nearest railroad was a good 5 miles away, but there were always ties near the marina, I have no idea why.

Some winters we had hockey skates, but being kids, we grew out of them by the first thaw. Maybe then we’d find an old pair of figure skates. I don’t know where any of this stuff came from. Nobody figure skated that I ever saw. But we used whatever we had. We’d play till our frozen phalanges couldn’t hold a stick. We always threw in an obligatory fight or two—not true fisticuffs, just the pulled-punch, enjoy the dance variety. It was more a ritualistic nod to the game than actual fury. You see, the pugilism of the 70s still bruised the reputation of the sport, and I guess to some degree it still does.

I knew two Hawks in the 80s: Doug Wilson and Denis Savard.

By decade’s turn, I became aware of Steve Larmer and Michel Goulet, but (thanks to “Dollar” Bill Wirtz) I never saw many of their games; my family didn’t have cable.

The early-to-mid-90s ignited my hockey awakening. Things changed for the Hawks: they were good. Belfour, Roenick, Cheli, Suter, Graham. Just see Sega Genesis NHLPA ’93 for proof.

By decade’s end, they were bad again. They stayed bad for a LONG TIME.

To date, my predictions of the 2010 S.C. Playoffs have been a tale of two trends: the Western Conference has put me on par with Nostradamus; in the East, I’m like the guy who was the first to say, “The Titanic! That baby’s unsinkable!” Perfect in the West; 2009 Detroit Lions in the East.

In the Finals, something has to give. Here’s the problem—everything’s at stake now. Not just my predictions, but my hopes for the denouement of the season.

Now I pride myself on being practical, logical, reproaching anything or anyone that risks irrationality. But sports are funny. It’s the ultimate collision of careful consideration and chance. Plots and interference. Architecture vs. Mother Nature. Control. No control.

Only, in this case it’s not me wristing a shot at a railroad tie. It’s not me in any capacity outside of what I can shout—and I shout a lot—at the game, and with lack of control one is apt to turn to witchdoctors, or gods, or talismans. Hindsight gives ample opportunity to identify inane causes for unwanted effects. One such inanity is the “jinx.” Just ask any 90% free throw shooter. We all know what happens the minute an announcer says, “He’s hit his last 19 attempts.” Even amongst the stoutest logicians, the effects of the jinx can be felt. Causation? Correlation? It doesn’t matter. It may not make sense, but we think it can explain everything. By way of our need to make sense, we provide senseless explanations for why things occur. Humans are complex simpletons.

As much as I want to say it, I won’t.

I won’t risk the jinx. Even though I know it doesn’t really exist, I won’t predict a thing. Even though I understand that nothing I write/do/say will affect anything. I won’t. Anyone who knows me knows what I think. But I won’t say it. It means too goddamn much to me.

Chalk it up as a cop out. Put this round’s “predictions” in the L column. I don’t care.

I’ve nearly emptied my bank account for it. I’m on a plane as I write over cloud-blanketed Pennsylvania or Ohio—can’t really tell from here—to get home for it.

I’ll be yelling during the National Anthem if I can get any sound past the lump in my throat. Twenty thousand strong standing with Stan and Bobby and Tony and J.R. and Glenn and Pierre and Rocky.

And yeah, it’s going to be especially hard to look at #3 in the rafters tomorrow.

***End Flashback***

So there it was. That was me then. Later, it will be me now.

When will then be now?

Soon.

-Kyle Wills

Mel Gibson Has No Affiliation With This Blog

But you can!  If you, humble reader, want to write articles for this fine internet publication, all you have to do is:

1. Email me, Terrence Adams at ohiowarmusic@gmail.com.

2. Pitch a story idea.  Pretty much anything will do just as long as it's about a sport and not fucking dumb. 

3. Be nice.  Don't be a dick. 

That's it! 

There's no money in this, but I'll totally write you a letter of recomendation.

Onward

- Terrence Adams 

Looking Into My Crystal Balls: 2nd Half MLB Predictions

The NBA is tiresome, the Brett Farve (I refuse to spell it "vr") talk is already starting (ugh, it's only fucking July), and the WNBA is... apparently still a sports league. Thankfully, 2nd half baseball commences today.

Pre-season predictions in baseball are like a Fox News broadcast: not very accurate. With injuries, trades, breakout rookies, and comeback seasons from individual players, it's too hard in March to pick what will happen over the next 6 months. For example, who would've predicted the Padres to be in the race out west. That's right, no one. And if anyone says they did, tell them to go back to their cubicle and look up who Mat Latos is, because they don't know and they didn't see this coming.

But, after the All-Star break, even Buster Olney might have seen enough to possibly make some baseball sense about how things might play out. Unfortunately, all he'll do is continue to talk about the Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies.

So, here are my 2nd half MLB predictions.

AL

East: Well, I hate to say it, but it'll be the Yankees. I'm pulling for Tampa Bay, and I think at the moment Tampa Bay has a better staff for the stretch run, but the operative phrase is "at the moment". "Spank" Steinbrenner will honor his dad by gobbling up any player he can get his hands on, and he'll most likely focus on pitching. Don't be surprised if the Yanks take a run at Oswalt or Haren, and adding either or those two to C.C. Sabathia and Phil Hughes would make for a pretty impressive minaga toi' at the top of the rotation.

For all you bean towners, no chance. This will be a two horse race for the top, and it'll be New York over Tampa Bay by 1 game.

Central: Hey Keith Law, sift through my pubes, find my balls, and suck 'em. You put the "ass bag" in the term "really big fucking ass bag". "You want some sprinkles on those cupcakes?" Umm, you wanna do some research? Oh, I forgot, you work at ESPN and don't have to. The White Sox went 25-5 heading into the break, which would be impressive against little leaguers, let alone any Major League talent. But, what is so ridiculous about that statement is that you did the journalistic equivalent of selective hearing, you wrote only what applied to prove your point and conveniently omitted 2 wins over the 2nd place Tigers, a 3 game sweep over the NL east leading Atlanta Braves, not to mention while facing their top 3 pitchers (Hanson, Hudson, and Lowe), 2 of 3 over the 2nd hottest team in baseball (behind the White Sox) the Texas Rangers, and a 4, yes I said 4, game sweep over the Angels. Keith Law, you are a shitburger. A shitburger with cheese.

Anyway, the Sox are my pick to win the central. It's not just the 25-5 run, but it's more the great starting staff, the at times unhittable bullpen, the timely hitting, the ability to score runs in numerous ways, and most astounding, the lack of panic over losing Jake Peavy for the season. This team has a confidence that is rarely seen from a team that had such a shitty April, May, and part of June, and I expect that to carry over into the 2nd half.

Both the Tigers and the Twins have great line-ups, but neither can match the pitching staff the Sox throw out on a daily basis. The White Sox are expected to make a move to acquire a bat, and if they do that, no one in the division would be as good top to bottom as the South Siders. And if the Sox can get a lefty specialist to add to an already dominate bullpen they would begin to look even scarier. The Chicago White Sox by 3 games.

West: The Texas Rangers have a 4.5 game lead starting the break and I am confident that lead will expand as the season progresses. Texas boasts a mashtastic middle of the order with Vlad, Josh Hamilton, and Nelson Cruz. If Ian Kinsler can stay healthy and set the table for those guys then there is no reason the offense should fall off in Arlington.

The addition of Cliff Lee was huge because Colby Lewis won't be able to keep up his performance from the first half, so the Rangers needed to add pitching. Tommy Hunter has pitched very well for so far, but you always have to expect some set back for a young pitcher.

Not to take anything away from the Rangers, but the fact that the Angels have been so inconsistent and the A's and Mariners are so bad is as much of a factor in why the Rangers will run away with the west than it is the Rangers themselves. Unless Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of California make a big splash in a trade, the Rangers will win the division by at least 6 games.

Wild Card: No way!? The Wild Card will come out of the East this year! Yawn. It shouldn't come as a surprise that it'll be either Tampa Bay or Boston, with Detroit and Minnesota (not really Minnesota, but come on, even they don't want to have to focus solely on the Brett Farve media rape) being the only real outsiders that can contend.

In the end it will be Tampa Bay. With Price, Shields, Garza, and Niemann, they have 4 great arms that should lead them into October. They would love to add another bat, but unfortunately for them, they also don't want to sell the farm for anyone. So, most likely they will stay fairly "as is", but "as is" for them should be good enough to get the to the post season. Tampa Bay takes the Wild Card by 2 games.

NL

East: The race for the NL East could be exciting, but only if the Phillies decide they want to actually participate. The Mets are very much in this too, but unless they make a big move before July 31st, they don't have enough to overtake the Braves.

Philly is a damn good team that has, by most people's standards, underachieved. They somehow went like a month without scoring a run at one point, and with their line-up that's pretty amazing. Philly could very well get hot, and they could bring in another arm, but most likely not of the Cliff Lee stature (Pedro, maybe). But when all's said and done, this division crown will belong in Atlanta.

The Braves pitching staff of Lowe, Jurrjens, Hanson, Hudson, and Medlen or Kawakami is too much nasty to lose this division. Their line-up is solid, but it will be reliant on Jason Heyward's health and productivity to continue to stay atop the division. I'm surprised they aren't in more discussions about landing an impact bat, which the trade for Alex Gonzalez isn't, but I guess they hope that McClouth can also return to his 2008 form along with getting a healthy Heyward back.

All said, Atlanta wins by 3 games.

Central: Everyone is taking the Cardinals, but not me. I'm going with the Reds. Everyone is also pointing out that the Cardinals are getting Brad Penny, Ryan Ludwick, and David Freeze back, but I'm pointing out the Reds are awaiting the return of Aaron Harang, Homer Bailey, Chris Dickerson, Ramon Hernandez, Mike Lincoln, and Eddison Volquez. Getting Volquez back will almost be like making a trade for a star pitcher since Volquez has electric stuff when healthy, so if all or most of those pieces come back healthy, this team will look damn good.

Johnny Gomes is channeling his inner Eric Davis, Joey Votto is an MVP candidate, and Orlando Cabrera wins everywhere he goes. I still have a gut feeling that Cincinnati has a trade up their sleeves (why not Ben Sheets?) and I think they have enough to stay ahead of St. Louis down the stretch. Pujols and Holliday move over, this division belongs to Votto and Phillips. Reds by 1 game.

West: If I was picking this division by what city has the hottest girls, San Diego might have a shot, but the sentimental favorite is not the logical choice here. I really want San Diego to win. Honestly, I do. But, they played way over their heads and they don't have enough offense to go with their lights out pitching. Latos and the boys will fall short, though their run has been fun to watch.

The question becomes who will overtake the Friars, and the answer is...complicated. Right now, Colorado would be my pick. With Ubaldo Jimenez having a tremendous season, and the Rockies explosive offense, it's hard not to pick them. But, if the Dodgers trade for some pitching, maybe a Roy Oswalt, or San Francisco can obtain a bat, say a Prince Fielder, then the whole landscape of the division changes.

So, my pick for now will be the Rockies. Even if the rest of the division improves, I'll take the spirit of the Rockies (remember the 2 straight comebacks against the Cardinals) over the prospective talent of the rest of the division. Rockies win by 2 games. And if anything else happens, well, then I told you so... kind of.

Wild Card: You can take the Phillies. You can take the Dodgers or Giants. And if you're stupid, you can even take the Mets. Me, I'll take the Cardinals. I would like nothing more for two Mid-West teams to enter the National League playoffs. The Phillies right now would be the favorite, but I can't seen Carpenter and Wainwright not dominating down the stretch to get this team into the playoffs. Cardinals clinch on the last day of the season.

Awards

AL

Cy Young: Cliff Lee- His .095 WHIP is pretty impressive, and his wins will go up now that he's on a good team.

MVP: Josh Hamilton- He wins over Miguel Cabrera based on the fact Texas will make the playoffs and Detroit won't. Going for the triple crown doesn't hurt either.

Manager of the Year: Ron Washington- He traded in cocain for wins, and I'm still not sure that was the better choice. Party at Ron's house.

NL

Cy Young: Josh Johnson- Ubaldo Jimenez is getting more attention, but Johnson's stats are better, and he is a better pitcher, which is kind of frightening.

MVP: Joey Votto- He's leading in home runs (tied with Adam Dunn), slugging, and on-base percentage. Basically, he's the best damn player in the NL right now.

Manager of the Year: Bobby Cox- He's 143 years old and still has his team in the midst of a playoff hunt. He narrowly beats out John Russell, who's only in consideration because he still shows up for work on a daily basis.

Enjoy the 2nd half of the MLB season, crackers.

-Ben Wills