FANTASY. SPORTS. DEATH. RACE.

Fantasy.  FAHntasy.  Fantasy SPORTS.  Well, not all sports, just baseball and football.  You're not gonna catch me delving into the wooly and wild world of fantasy golf, which, like, what kind of heroin addict thinks that's a productive way to spend your time?  Not me, man.  But then again, I'm not a heroin addict, so maybe I'm in the wrong here.  It's possible.  At least feasible.  Anyways, yeah, I got some fantasy stuff to talk about, so sit tight and for CHRIST'S SAKE STOP CHEWING THAT TRAIL MIX WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!!!

FANTASY BASEBALL.  I'm in two leagues and as I write this I am in the playoffs in both.  Well, I'm currently getting BEAT LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC'S CHILD in both, to be more specific.  

Adrian Beltre, I hate you.  Joe Mauer, I hate you.  And the rest of you in both my teams: you are the biggest bunch of underachieving underwear skid marks known to man.  Seriously, Martin Prado, you are killing me.  Last year you were a beautiful rainbow of stats.  You made me dry hump ESPN Magazine and I DESPISE that magazine. 


But this year?  Not a chance in hell.  You know what?  The weird thing is, regardless of my angst, my teams really aren't that bad, just victims of bad luck.  Things can change.  Things can always change. 


(things are not going to change)


FANTASY FOOTBALL.  I had two drafts over the Labor Day weekend.  I am scared at the results.  I feel very confident in my teams which means they will both tank in spectacular fashion.  In my pay league I'm relying on the likes of Rashard Mendenhall and the resurgence of one Plaxico Burress to guide me into glory.  Mendenhall will most likely have a solid season but Burress is my sleeper this year.  He might be terrible.  He might be the saving grace of my year that will lead me to money money money.  I'm talking real money.  I'm talking about the kind of money that will buy me a Kindle with a little left over for a crystal meth festival. 


Basically I feel like I've been staring at the Yahoo Sports page non stop for the past three weeks.  I've been reading injury reports.  I've been looking at mock drafts.  I've been baseball stats and quality September call ups.  I feel like a machine.  I sports machine.  Insert reference here. 


I will be updating this blog with my fantasy results throughout the baseball playoffs and football season.  I'm going to be letting you into my lair.  You will see my insanity.  You will be sad.  You will be manic.  You will be putting me on your 'to kill' list. 


I'm not scared.  You shouldn't be either. 

Onward

-Terrence

2 Teams, One Dream: A Quick Note on Fantasy Baseball

I have two (count 'em!) fantasy baseball teams through Yahoo Sports this year.  Despite the fact that the chorus of the word "nerd" being said under the guise of it being a cough is nearly deafening, I will mush on to explain a few things to you all. 

One of my teams is doing quite well thus far while the other...well...let's just say it's not exactly party time in happyville, if you catch my drift.  My well-to-do team, quaintly named 'Immaculate Concepcion' after Reds legend Dave Concepcion is reigning terror down upon its competition.  In a head to head league I'm rolling along in first place this week with a record of 30-16-11.  I won last week with a valiant record of 13-3-3, which is a straight up dusting of an opponent if I've ever seen one.  I'm winning, you see, because my team is constructed with smarts.  I have speed (Carl Crawford, Nyjer Morgan, Rajai Davis and Rafael Furcal, who also bat for average and score runs), power (Joey Votto, Dan Uggla, Josh Hamilton) and five tool hitters (Casey Blake, Joe Mauer).  It's like looking at a work of art, something so genuine, pure and fine tuned that tears well up in your eyes and you have to grab a steel railing in order to steady your weak knees.  I get it, it's beautiful.  Even my pitching makes sense.  I've got good starters (Johan Santana, John Danks, Max Scherzer), good closers (Mariano Rivera, Matt Capps) and good set up guys (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Guerrier).  Gah!  It's fucking angelic, man.  Truly beautiful. 

Of course this is all until the inevitable injuries to half of the starting lineup occur and the proceeding frantic rush to the waiver wires that will result in me praying to Jesus H. that Yuniesky Betancourt can somehow eke out 60 RBIs.  But hey, let's not dwell on the future, shall we? 

What's that?  Oh, did I say that I had another fantasy team?  Huh?  What?  *crinkles paper next to keyboard* I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! SPEAK UP!!!

Oh, right.  That OTHER team.  'Benshymen Wills' is a team name that should have an amazing team to go with it.  I mean come on, it's nothing short of maybe one of the most hilarious plays on a name in history.  Benjamin Wills (a staff writer for this site and subsequent knob slobber) is pleased with it, his silence convinces me of this fact. 

Anyways, this team is constructed with roughly the same amount of meticulousness.  Hell, Carl Crawford is on this team as well, as is Rajai Davis.  I even have BETTER power guys with Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard.  HOW AM I IN FIFTH GODDAMN PLACE?!?!  You wanna know how?  It's a rotisserie league, that's how.  Whatever black magic point system this stupid fucking league operates under manages to both baffle me and convince me that there is some serious cloak and dagger bullshit going on behind the scenes.  I mean, sure, I'm relying way too much on Marlins closer Leo Nunez and Mariners closer David Aardsma, but whatever, I refuse to admit defeat.  There's gotta be some kind of turnaround here.  There just has to be.  Any league where the first place team is named after a toilet manufacturer cannot outsmart me.

Anyways, I'll update all of you on how I'm doing in these leagues from time to time, which might result in you, fair readers, bearing witness to my complete and unabashedly violent unraveling as a mentally stable human being.