FANTASY. SPORTS. DEATH. RACE.

Fantasy.  FAHntasy.  Fantasy SPORTS.  Well, not all sports, just baseball and football.  You're not gonna catch me delving into the wooly and wild world of fantasy golf, which, like, what kind of heroin addict thinks that's a productive way to spend your time?  Not me, man.  But then again, I'm not a heroin addict, so maybe I'm in the wrong here.  It's possible.  At least feasible.  Anyways, yeah, I got some fantasy stuff to talk about, so sit tight and for CHRIST'S SAKE STOP CHEWING THAT TRAIL MIX WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!!!

FANTASY BASEBALL.  I'm in two leagues and as I write this I am in the playoffs in both.  Well, I'm currently getting BEAT LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC'S CHILD in both, to be more specific.  

Adrian Beltre, I hate you.  Joe Mauer, I hate you.  And the rest of you in both my teams: you are the biggest bunch of underachieving underwear skid marks known to man.  Seriously, Martin Prado, you are killing me.  Last year you were a beautiful rainbow of stats.  You made me dry hump ESPN Magazine and I DESPISE that magazine. 


But this year?  Not a chance in hell.  You know what?  The weird thing is, regardless of my angst, my teams really aren't that bad, just victims of bad luck.  Things can change.  Things can always change. 


(things are not going to change)


FANTASY FOOTBALL.  I had two drafts over the Labor Day weekend.  I am scared at the results.  I feel very confident in my teams which means they will both tank in spectacular fashion.  In my pay league I'm relying on the likes of Rashard Mendenhall and the resurgence of one Plaxico Burress to guide me into glory.  Mendenhall will most likely have a solid season but Burress is my sleeper this year.  He might be terrible.  He might be the saving grace of my year that will lead me to money money money.  I'm talking real money.  I'm talking about the kind of money that will buy me a Kindle with a little left over for a crystal meth festival. 


Basically I feel like I've been staring at the Yahoo Sports page non stop for the past three weeks.  I've been reading injury reports.  I've been looking at mock drafts.  I've been baseball stats and quality September call ups.  I feel like a machine.  I sports machine.  Insert reference here. 


I will be updating this blog with my fantasy results throughout the baseball playoffs and football season.  I'm going to be letting you into my lair.  You will see my insanity.  You will be sad.  You will be manic.  You will be putting me on your 'to kill' list. 


I'm not scared.  You shouldn't be either. 

Onward

-Terrence

Sure It's Been A While, But You Weren't Paying Attention Anyways

Listen, I know.  I know I've been AWOL for almost three months.  I know that this blog has been sitting here like some kind of abandoned school house, walls lined with spider webs and crow's nests.  I get it.  You don't have to remind me. 

What I can say in my defense is that I...

A.)  Moved from New York City to Columbus, Ohio.  That's right, I'm back in the Midwest.  You know how hard that was?  I drove ten goddamn hours with all of my belongings.  Ten.  Hours.  That's brutal, especially when all of your music is packed and you're forced to listen to talk radio for the duration.  I hit a part of Pennsylvania where Rush Limbaugh was on three different stations.  THREE DIFFERENT STATIONS.  Listening to Rush Limbaugh is like having a ten year old drop kick your family jewels with his Little League spikes.  It starts off painful but eventually becomes excrutiating and you are forced to fall down and drool mindlessly for an hour afterwards.  Anyways.  Yeah.  All my shit, in an enlarged minivan.  It sucked. 

B.)  I had to get a job.  I got a job!  That's right.  When you move away from a city while you're living on unemployment, you really want to find a real job when you reach your destination.  So now I have a job.  I won't really be talking about that job here, just know that I'm gainfully employed and that I have been absent from the blogosphere because I have REAL PAID WORK TO DO. 

C.)  I had to find an apartment.  I got an apartment!  It's so fucking cheap it's not even fair.  You people in New York are suckers.  The amount I'm paying now for a one bedroom apartment is what I paid to live with three dudes in New York.  Suckers, the lot of ya. 

So yeah, get off my ass about this stuff, I needed to get my ducks in a row. 

Now. 

The Reds. 

Has there been a more disappointing team in baseball this year?  They are inconsistent, their manager (Dusty Baker) can't ever seem to decide which lineup to throw out there and we're on the VERGE OF GETTING SWEPT BY THE PIRATES. 

Can I just say that the resurgence of the Pirates is, for the most part, a fluke?  The NL Central is the weakest division in baseball, hands down.  No one in this division has a chance to win the World Series.  Not one.  Not the Cardinals, not the Brewers.  Zip.  Zilch.  Zero. 

The Reds could have still have a shot to take the division if they make a trade or two, but it's hard to really say if that will be the solution.  For Ubaldo Jiminez save this team and this season?  Will Ryan Ludwick be the spark that starts the blaze?  Probably not.  They need a real left fielder, not some weird circle of idiots.  Heisey is the closest thing they've got to legitimacy out there, but hilariously he's a better pinch hitter than a starter. 

The only hopeful things to take out of this season so far are the rise of Zach Cozart and the resurgence of Dontrelle Willis.  One could only hope that this is the beginning of a new career for Willis, who absolutely deserves only the best that life has to offer. 

Anyways, let's move on to other things.  Such as...

THE NFL LOCKOUT!!!

I haven't really followed this too closely.  When rich people get in a tizzy with one another I tend to look the other way.  My only hope is that Roger Goodell get's pancake blocked by someone.  Can we make that happen?  I mean, that greedy fucktard deserves to be hospitalized.  Someone get Jeff Saturday on the phone.

THE NBA LOCKOUT!!!

Again, do not really care.  Just find a way to play the games, assholes.  As a quick aside:

Was there anything more satisfying than watching LeBron James lose in the NBA Finals?  Fuck you, LeBron, fuck you with a hot iron.  I hope he gets in a car accident and never plays again.

What else.

Christ, I don't know.  Hockey?  It's the off season.  Whaddya want me to say?  Women's World Cup?  The US women had their chance and pulled a Mama Cass.  Golf?  Nascar?  I don't care about those two sports.

Ben Wills is getting married!  Hopefully he'll have something to say about that soon.

I'll really try to keep up with this on a regular basis, but honestly, if you want updates, email me and I'll make you an administrator.  Then you can write your own articles!!!

Onward.

-Terrence Adams 

JIM TRESSEL KEEPS TRYING TO SEXT ME, TWITTERVERSE, BASEBALL AND WHY UCONN SHOULD NOT BE PROUD OF THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP WIN

It's been a while, me droogies, so let's get right into the jelly-filled portion of the donut. 

Jim Tressel is a cheater.  You know what that makes him, right?  You guessed it, that makes Jimmy Tressel a legitimate coach in NCAA football.  You're a real boy now, Jim! 

Honestly, anyone who was shocked that Tressel lied to save his own ass must also believe that the Easter Bunny is real and that God exists and rides unicorns to work.  The NCAA, especially when it comes to football, will always be brimming with secret monetary kickbacks, dastardly deeds and just plain lowdown actions.  The fact that Tressel got busted just reinforces my belief that none of these coaches are clean in any capacity.  So yeah, suspend him and erase the accomplishments of last season, it won't change anything.  Just ask Auburn and USC.

NEXT

I am crushing this Twitter stuff.  Absolutely owning it.  As we speak, yours truly is kicking 100 followers in the ass.  It may not be at Kanye levels, but it's something and sometimes something is better than nothing.  Plus hashtags are fantastic. 

NEXT

Anyone notice that baseball started?  I KNOW I DID!  I went so far as to go to Opening Day last week for my beloved (and 5-0) Cincinnati Reds!  I got loaded with a bunch of Reds fans for the first time in almost eight years.  It was beautiful.  I will say that the Brewers would probably have won at least one game of that series had they switched back to their royal blue pinstriped uniforms.  Those things were amazing.  They were truly meant to be worn by someone who is on the verge of tossing his lunch due to beer bonging the entire Miller factory.  The Astros, unfortunately, are dogshit regardless of which uniform they're rolling into in the morning.  They suck.

This MLB season is going to be interesting.  Early signs indicate that whereas last year was the (ugh) "Year of the Pitcher", this year will shape up to be the (ugh) "Year of the Hitter".  So far their have been over twenty blown saves across the league.  Twenty.  That's bad.  That means that there's a lack of quality closers out there, that bullpens are stripped down and that injuries are hurting everyone.  Of course, we won't really know how things are panning out until about the thirty game mark for most teams, but right now you can bet your bottom dollar that the Red Sox will get better and that the Pirates will get worse. 

NEXT

Anyone catch that college basketball championship game?  You know, the one that had me thinking that I was watching a New York Liberty/Los Angeles Sparks game?  Butler and UConn should give those fans their money back.  That was maybe the worst display by two supposed "champion" teams I've seen in quite some time.  Kemba Walker doesn't understand the haters that are ripping him on his Twitter.  Well Kemba, let me tell you why people are hating on you: 

1. Your team should've been beat and didn't deserve to win
2. Your team would've been beat by anyone who could shoot even thirty percent during a game
3. You entertained zero people outside of Connecticut, which is a state full of rich know it alls, criminals (Hartford) and worst of all....Yankees fans. 

Also, Butler missed more shots than an anxious college freshman during rush week.  Rimshot.

NEXT

Well, I'm in Ohio now.  I moved here.  New York City can suck it. 

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

A New Baseball Season Is Upon Us, I've Been Horribly Lazy

It's February 24th, 2011 and I haven't updated this site in more than two months.  There's an explanation (well, multiple explanations) for this lag, but going into it (them) would just take you, fair reader, down the rabbit hole of massive, eye fluttering depression.  Just know that it's not you, it's me.

Let's recap a few things that have happened in the sports world since last we jawed:


1.  The Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl

Yeah, I know, there are plenty of folks out there who think that this was a fantastic game.  An instant classic.   I don't buy it.  The referees were a little too one sided and that first half was a little too much of an abomination on the Pittsburgh Steelers' sideline for this to be anything more than a game that was a shit show up until the last five minutes, where it got mildly interesting.  Would I be saying the same thing if the Steelers had won?  Yes, because I hate the Steelers.  I just happen to hate the Packers more.


2.  There were a million trades and signings in Major League Baseball

Zack Greinke is now a Brewer, Cliff Lee is a Phillie once again, Adrian Gonzalez is a Red Sock and Carl Crawford is a...well, a Red Sock as well.  Those are the big moves that happened this off season, but there were plenty of smaller ones that may have serious impact on this upcoming season.  What's the biggest one, you ask?  I'm gonna go ahead and say that the White Sox's acquisition of Adam Dunn is going to catapult them into the front runner role in the AL Central.  The man was born to be a DH, and as a DH he will no longer be a logjam on the defensive end of things.  More on baseball in a minute, but let's finish this recap first.


3.  Carmelo Anthony is a New York Knick

Last night 'Melo made his debut for the Knicks and dropped 27 points on 10-25 shooting on the Bucks.  Not bad, but not great either.  The more important debut was that of his trade partner Chauncey Billups, who's 21 points and 8 assists instantly made Knicks fans forget the name Felton ever existed.  I'm of the mind that we won't know the quality of this trade for some time.  The Knicks gave up quite a bit of their young core of players (not to mention $3 million) to get Carmelo, and the rumors that Isiah Thomas was the ringmaster behind the deal does not bode well for the franchise's future.  However, for at least one evening, the trade paid quality dividends.  The Knicks will make the playoffs this year and may escape the first round, but the big ol' elephant-sized question in the room will, for me at least, be whether or not they couldn't have done the same thing without making this trade.  My guess: probably.


4.  I have become an unabashed Twitter addict

I'm live blogging everything from award shows to random thoughts that come to my head at four in the morning.  I cannot be stopped.  Yes, the twitter updates will relate to sports on a regular basis, but I've given up the ghost on only tweeting about these things.  I'm going to be live blogging the Oscars this Sunday, for Christ's sake.  Follow me @Victrola_Cola_1.  And yes, I am a total fucking shill.


Okay, Let's roll forward like a fat guy in a potato sack race, shall we?

Baseball is soooo close.  Can you feel it?  I can feel it.  This winter has been brutal in New York City.  The sky has shit out more snow than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunday morning and at times it's been so cold that I've been forced to stop my testicles from booking plane tickets to California while I'm asleep more than once.  Any decent American will look forward to baseball season just because it's baseball season, but this year there are so many interesting story lines that will keep even the marginal sports fans' attention.  Let's name some:


1.  The Phillies may have one of the best rotations in MLB history

I'm not gonna mince words, I hate the Phillies.  That being said, is there anyone in either league that will be able to beat this rotation?  Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt are brutal competition.  You're gonna see a lot of analysts pick them to win the World Series this year and I can't rightly blame them.  The only thing that can beat the Phillies is themselves at this point.  Last year, their offense took a two month vacation in the middle of the season, and that very well may be the case once again this year.  The only difference is that they'll have four pitchers in their rotation that can hold a one run lead almost every time out.


2.  The Brewers are the most improved team in baseball

The addition of Zack Greinke almost immediately makes the Brew Crew the best team in the NL Central this year.  I don't like saying that.  I'm a Reds fan, but how can you talk shit about a team that added a bona fide ace to their staff and still retain one of the better offenses in baseball.


3.  That being said, the Cincinnati Reds are still something to reckon with

There are always going to be plenty of 'ifs' with this team until they reel off two or three winning seasons in a row.  This year the 'ifs' reside in the infield, the starting rotation and the middle relief.  Paul Janish may be the starter of the future for the Redlegs, but the organization showed only marginal faith in him when they signed Edgar Renteria to be his back-up.  All the Renteria signing should mean to Janish is that if he has a bad first month or two, his starting job will be a thing of the past.

The starting rotation will most likely be Edinson Volquez, Bronson Arroyo, Johnny Cueto, Travis Wood and Homer Bailey to start the season, but that could change immediately depending on the joint performances of Volquez and Bailey.  Volquez has yet to show consistency since coming back from Tommy John surgery and though receiving the opening day start is quite a vote of confidence, there is no guarantee that his job will remain at the top of the rotation through the All-Star break, especially with Johnny Cueto quickly becoming an ace in his own right.  This may be Homer Bailey's last stand with the Reds and one has to assume he knows it.  Mike Leake won't be hanging around for long in the minor leagues and Homer has to realize that he's the weakest link thus far.   

For better or worse, Francisco Cordero will be the Reds' closer once again this year.  For better or worse, Nick Masset will be the 8th inning man, most likely sharing time with Aroldis Chapman.   When Masset is being used, Chapman will most likely be the seventh inning man along with a myriad of different guys.  In that group you're definitely going to see Logan Ondrusek, Bill Bray and Jared Burton.  You might also be seeing Dontrelle Willis and Jose Arrendo.  It's almost like there are just too many guys to fill a small number of available spots.  If there's someone to root for, it's gotta be Willis, who is an amazingly great person who has had such an unbelievably tough time getting back to his All-Star caliber performances of years past.


4.  The Red Sox are probably going to destroy everyone

I almost puked after typing that.  There's part of me that wishes that Bud Selig would just put the Yankees and Red Sox in their own division and let them hash it out all season long to make it into the playoffs so that we only have to see one of those teams with post season patches on their ball caps.  Kind of like a 162-game series play-in-game.  Anyways, yeah, the Red Sox got Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford and will most likely smoke everyone else in the AL East without blinking an eye.  So be it.


5.  But, The Orioles might be an interesting sleeper this year

The additions of Vlad Guerrero, Mark Reynolds and Derrek Lee to a lineup that already includes Nick Markakis Brian Roberts and Matt Wieters will make the O's offense something to reckon with, even if Luke Scott is batshit insane.   They're gonna have to score a fuck ton of runs though, because their pitching staff will once again be one of the worst in baseball.  Outside of Jeremy Guthrie and Brian Matusz (who should probably be the opening day starter but isn't), the Orioles have a starting rotation that wouldn't even be competitive on most minor league teams.


6.  The odds of the San Francisco Giants repeating are actually not too bad

Their amazing pitching staff is intact and for the most part the offense will be pretty much the same.  You really can't count them out, especially when you consider they're still going to be coming out of the shithole that is the National League West.


7.  Miguel Cabrera's alcoholism will either make the Detroit Tigers better or sink them

And yes, it is alcoholism.  The man needs to either take a season off and go to rehab legitimately or retire...and go to rehab.  Cabrera shouldn't be punished by Selig, but he should be pushed into a situation where he is forced to get help.  So far his teammates have rallied around him, but through a 162-game season, this story is bound to wear on them.  Only time will tell how the Tigers will respond to the pressure of being in a negative spotlight because of one player.


8.  The Pujols conundrum is only going to get worse

Adam Wainwright's season being done is not only disastrous for this year's St. Louis Cardinals, it will also be disastrous for next year's and the year after that.  Any hope the Cards had of bringing Albert Pujols back died with the fraying of Wainwright's ligament.  It wasn't looking too hopeful as it was, considering the inexplicable incapability of St. Louis' ownership to make any legitimate effort at a contract extension this off season.   How do you not even make an effort?  Anyways, Pujols will put up his usual numbers and will be a huge trade name at the deadline while he waits patiently to get a huge paycheck at season's end.  I'm not gonna say that I'm gonna enjoy watching the Cardinals fail.  But I'm totally gonna enjoy watching the Cardinals fail.


9.  Bryce Harper is gonna get called an asshole a whole lot

He may be an outstanding prospect, but Bryce Harper is such an unbelievable asshat that he may make everyone forget that fact.  This kid has his head stuck farther up his ass than O.J. Simpson on the trail of the real killers.  He may hit the ball a ton, but he's gonna have to learn how to be humble if he's gonna get into the good graces of real baseball fans.


10.  I'm moving back to Ohio

So you guys are all gonna get some first hand accounts of what it's like to be at Reds games this season.  I'm psyched.  You're psyched.  We're all psyched.


Okay, that's all I got.  Once again, I'll be live blogging the Oscars with my buddy Kevin Elliott over at World of Wumme as well as on my twitter account (@Victrola_Cola_1) this Sunday.  Tune in for that.  I'll probably make some great sports references and use colorful language to a fault.  Fuckers.

Onward

- Terrence Adams