It's Mike Iupati and I'll Cry If I Want To

Mike Iupati reported to Santa Clara a week ago for ‘Niners rookie camp. I can't believe he's all grown up.

When we last left Mikey, scouts were praising his moai-like stature and some were even wondering about his potential move to tackle. Speed and quickness (in both its mental and physical applications) were the questions. It seems like Iupati answered the speed part of the question in Singletary’s “nutcracker drill.” Coach was pleased. Iupati impressed.

Iupati also took a step toward a starting role as left guard David Baas suffered a concussion, meaning he’ll be getting all the reps with the first team for at least a little while—more time to continue to impress.

For now, it seems that Iupati has jumped ahead of Benny’s draft baby, Anthony Davis (http://victrolacola.blogspot.com/2010/04/big-whiffah.html), on the depth charts.

More on his performance as camp wears on. But for now, my concern is not with Iupati the football player, but with the young man on his own for the first time. What is he to do in his new Santa Clara surroundings? Well, I have a letter for my young Samoan draftee.

Dear Mikey,

It turns out Santa Clara is the sister city of Izumo, Japan. For that reason, maybe you could go to Santa Clara's Kobe Japanese Restaurant and try the koroke. And no, silly, the restaurant has nothing to do with the Lakers and the food has nothing to do with singing James Taylor songs in front of Asian businessman.

Santa Clara is in the heart of Silicon Valley which should help keep you humble as your $320,000/year deal is servants pay in these parts (see McAfee, Intel, Namco Bandai, Sun Microsystems, Silicon Valley). So these are some things you can do without breaking the bank:

*See an Earthquakes game. Yeah, they carry the “San Jose” moniker, but they play in Santa Clara.

*Contact your local Audobon Society chapter and go on a burrowing owl sightseeing trip.

*Head out to the Almaden Quicksilver County Park. And no, there is no Almaden team. That’s something different. But you can learn about the mercury mining past and gaze at the interesting flora, but watch out for poison-oak. It may be pretty, but it’s itchy.

Most of all, have fun and eat your vegetables.

-Kyle Wills

TEXT WARS VOLUME TWO: BEN TAKES THE LONG WAY AROUND AND ENDS UP LOSING ANYWAYS

The following is part of an ongoing feature that involves text messages sent between Victrola Cola contributors Ben Wills and Terrence Adams, who live in separate cities and can't insult each other face to face. 

(out of the blue)

Ben: Terry, you've been traded to the Orioles for Brady Anderson, Ben McDonald, Glenn Davis, a snack pack, a Joy Division vinyl record, a Maxi pad, the 1960's Colts, a BLT sandwich, 3 Men and a Baby (the movie) and 4 weddings and a funeral (not the movie).

(no response to this, but the battle picked up the next day when Terrence learned that Ben had to have socks put on his hands when he came down with chicken pox at 2 years of age.)

Terrence: You should really put socks on your hands so you don't scratch yourself

Ben: You should really grow a penis so you have an excuse to scratch yourself.

Terrence: Jerk store called, they're runnin' outta YOU.

Ben: Oh yeah, well the wimp store called and you're on back order! FACE!

(This was followed by a highly intelligent (seriously) discourse concerning the Reds not making any moves at the trade deadline and whether or not Jake Westbrook going to the Cardinals would be a game changer in the NL Central. And Then...)

Ben: Don't take this in a gay way, but we would make a great tag team.

Terrence: BUSHWHACKERS!

Ben: Minus the bush (at least on my part).

Terrence: Landing strip whackers!

That's all for round 2.  I think, in retrostpect, that Ben probably won this, but only because of that first text, which I laughed out loud at in front of a girl.  Stupid girls. 

Onward.

- Terrence Adams