TEXT WARS VOLUME TWO: BEN TAKES THE LONG WAY AROUND AND ENDS UP LOSING ANYWAYS

The following is part of an ongoing feature that involves text messages sent between Victrola Cola contributors Ben Wills and Terrence Adams, who live in separate cities and can't insult each other face to face. 

(out of the blue)

Ben: Terry, you've been traded to the Orioles for Brady Anderson, Ben McDonald, Glenn Davis, a snack pack, a Joy Division vinyl record, a Maxi pad, the 1960's Colts, a BLT sandwich, 3 Men and a Baby (the movie) and 4 weddings and a funeral (not the movie).

(no response to this, but the battle picked up the next day when Terrence learned that Ben had to have socks put on his hands when he came down with chicken pox at 2 years of age.)

Terrence: You should really put socks on your hands so you don't scratch yourself

Ben: You should really grow a penis so you have an excuse to scratch yourself.

Terrence: Jerk store called, they're runnin' outta YOU.

Ben: Oh yeah, well the wimp store called and you're on back order! FACE!

(This was followed by a highly intelligent (seriously) discourse concerning the Reds not making any moves at the trade deadline and whether or not Jake Westbrook going to the Cardinals would be a game changer in the NL Central. And Then...)

Ben: Don't take this in a gay way, but we would make a great tag team.

Terrence: BUSHWHACKERS!

Ben: Minus the bush (at least on my part).

Terrence: Landing strip whackers!

That's all for round 2.  I think, in retrostpect, that Ben probably won this, but only because of that first text, which I laughed out loud at in front of a girl.  Stupid girls. 

Onward.

- Terrence Adams