/looks out at crowd
No one? Really? Oh wait, I see you there in the back, the girls with the pink Red Sox hats on, yeah I gotcha.
The 2010 NBA Playoffs have been an absolute dud. Each series has been worse than the last. From stem to fucking David Stern. The competition has been woefully unexciting, the games, for the most part, complete laughers and the officiating...oh sweet Jesus the officiating.
And now we get to watch both the Magic and Suns shit away their seasons and pretty much hand over a place in the Finals to the Celtics and Lakers, a series that no one outside of Boston and L.A. wants to see. You'd think that Dwight Howard and Steve Nash would bristle a little bit at the sentiment that they can't win when it counts, that they don't have that killer instinct and yet all we see are two men on an island, more than happy to accept their fates as the constant second fiddle in their respective conferences.
And they're not the only ones! Can ANYONE in the NBA compete anymore?
The Cleveland Cavaliers were supposed to have been able to, and looked for a time to be unstoppable. Unstoppable, that is, until LeBron James, the league MVP, decided that instead of fighting he would rather do his best to give fans and the Celtics souvenir basketballs for six games. That's a joke...about him turning the ball over a lot...you know, because that's what he...aw fuck it, forget it. He sucked when it counted most, is what I'm getting at, and though the rest of his teammates should share some of the blame, he was the one who was supposed to march through these playoffs and bring home the title to Cleveland, he's supposed to be the second coming of Michael Jordan. You know what he is instead? He's the second coming of Dominique Wilkins minus a slam dunk title. Congratulations, here's your complementary tea set.
And now instead of seeing the likes of James or Howard or Nash, we once again get Paul fucking Pierce and Kobe Bryant, the two WORST personalities in the league.
Paul Pierce may be THE biggest whiner in all of sports. I swear to Jesus H. Christ on the Cross that if I see him make that stupid, abhorrent there's-no-way-I-fouled-him-but-he-definitely-fouled-me-and-I-can't-believe-you-would-call-something-otherwise face one more time, I'm going to snap and rip the flat screen TV down from the wall at my local watering hole. And they won't like that, which means that I definitely won't like that.
He's a flopper, a bitcher, a moaner and his only redeeming quality is that the fucking asshole hits shots. He hits threes and fade aways and floaters. I mean, goddamnit, he's a gamer and it's really really annoying. It's annoying, you see, because a man with so much God given talent should let his game speak for itself instead of making it seem as though he's owed something every time he steps on the court.
You are not owed shit by anyone, Paul Pierce, you are on a team that was bought for the pure sake of winning championships. Your coach is Doc Rivers. DOC. RIVERS. A man that would be struggling to keep a coaching job at a junior college had your team's ownership decided not to bring in Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. That's your coach.
Jesus, have you seen those 'inside the locker room' snippets during this year's playoffs? Rivers sounds like he memorized the script to Hoosiers and is just repeating that instead of coaching. No wonder these assholes like playing for him, he's like a substitute teacher in a gifted class. Nobody has to pay attention to him because they already know enough. It hurts me a little that Nate Robinson might win a ring under him. Not because Robinson doesn't deserve it, he might be the only Celtic who does, but because it will have been acquired under Doc Rivers' "watch".
And don't even get me started on Rajon Rondo. Seriously. Please don't. Or Rasheed Wallace, who never ceases to look as though he's still shocked to be wearing a Celtics uniform. Or Kendrick Perkins, whose only role is to foul and then complain about being called for a foul. Or Big Baby, or Brian Scalibrine! BRIAN SCALIBRINE HAS A CHAMPIONSHIP RING, I mean, I think that guy had 'fry cook' locked in as a second career had this whole basketball thing not worked out, holy moly.
And what of the Lakers, you ask? Well, there's a few things at play here.
First of all, Phil Jackson is a Hall of Fame coach and has earned that respect with his effective yet unorthodox coaching style. He's the zen master. The Dharma Dribbler. The Buddhist Baller. The...the...umm..well, you get the point, he's good. That being said, Phil Jackson should take a note or two from his humble teachings and *gasp* stay humble! Just like Paul Pierce isn't owed any special treatment, Phil Jackson isn't owed a platform to take pot shots at other players just because he's got a ring for each finger. You have to, at times, remember what got you those rings from time to time. And really, what coach couldn't do a little damage with Kobe Bryant bringing the ball down the floor for you.
Ahh Kobe. You sly dog, you. Much like LeBron James, you are not Michael Jordan. Your game is impeccable and you definitely close out games when called upon, but oh lord are you not like MJ. You know why? Because though MJ made some enemies across the league, he wasn't widely hated by everyone else's fanbase. Oh, and he was a gambler, not a rapist. Oh, and he was the greatest player to ever play the game. You are not him. You are good, but you are a big fish in a small pond. The league, for whatever reason, is diluted nowadays. Players care less about the competition and more about the huge contracts. Teams are bringing in guys to draw attendance, not championships. I mean, you tell me how well you think Kobe would be doing if he had to face teams like the mid-nineties Knicks or the late eighties Pistons. Do you think he'd be nearly as successful? Especially when you consider the team he's surrounded with now? Oh, and he's also a ballhog who would throw his entire team and organization under the bus just so none of the blame would rest with him. What a guy.
Fuck man, what a SERIES! Yeah! Boston! Los Angeles! It's predictable shit like this matchup that makes me expect to see David Stern call an emergency press conference and let the world know that the NBA will now be sponsored by none other than Vince McMahon. It's rigged! Rigged I say! Just ask Tim Donaghy.
And now, go forth and enjoy the remainder of this terrible year of professional basketball. Thank God for baseball.
-Terrence Adams
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