Late Night Ranting Sponsored by LeBron James, part 1 (of 1,000)

Okay, not really, John Calipari isn't really the new head coach of the Bulls, but if Captain Witness has his way, fiction may become fact faster than a hooker in high heels running from the cops. 

Calipari is lauded for his coaching style, his ability to motivate young players and his knack for finding blue chip recruits (John Wall, Derrick Rose) who are NBA ready.  He runs recruiting warehouses, for Christ's sake.  I mean come ON, whether or not he gets nailed for it, one must intuitively know that he has most likely broken every single NCAA sanctioned recruiting rule in history, old and new testament.  He left Memphis before the hammer came down and he may very well be looking for an out from Kentucky in the same manner. 

The scariest part about this?  LeBron James apparently (so says the rumor mill) wants him in Chicago with him.  And what LBJ wants, LBJ apparently gets.  He threw Mike Brown under the bus (and yes, anyone who saw any of game 6 of the eastern semis knows this to be true, James pretty much did his best to let Brown know that he wasn't a fan of his late game coaching style by more or less tanking right in front of the eyes of every player and fan in the arena) in order to direct and captain his own ship completely, wherever that may be.  For whatever reason, the rumors have been let loose that he wants the Kentucky coach in his wheelhouse. 

My question is, why?  LeBron James needs more control like Sarah Palin needs more pulpits to preach from.  He's by far the best basketball player on the planet right now, but if the Cavs are to actually re-sign him, do you think he's going to bring a championship to his team when the only finger on the coaching button is his?  Of course not.  Other NBA teams must know this fact too, right?  He's certainly capable of a lot on the court, but when it comes to the locker room he hasn't shown much in the way of leadership. 

People seem to want to compare him to Michael Jordan, and well, considering how good he is, why not?  However, that being said, Jordan had one thing that James does not...Phil Jackson.  Phil Jackson, for what it's worth, knows how to handle superstars.  He knows how to coach to them and around them.  He knows how to restrain the supporting cast and he definitely knows how to make sure even the most egregious shit doesn't reach the hardwood (rape accusations?  Shaq vs. Kobe drama?  Andrew Bynum having the pain threshold of a 5'8" math major?) and yet here we have the Cavs rolling through their newfound postseason like babies enamored with their own feces. 

You've got the Delonte West/Bron Bron's mom accusations, you've got the Bron Bron free agency fiasco and -- most recently -- you've got this John Calipari/Chicago rumor (for those of you not familiar with what I'm referring to, feast your eyes here) and all of that while Mike Brown, one of the best coaches the Cavs have had in recent memory, is forced to update his resume.  Shaq may not be back.  Delonte West is batshit insane.  Mo Williams is perhaps incapable of even attempting to be a confident floor leader.  I mean, the weather is precisely right for our man James not to stick around, wouldn't ya say?

So what's he gonna do?  Well, whatever franchise gets him, they're gonna have to let him do things his way.  Perhaps this will work with the Bulls, who have all of the elements, no head coach and a front office that may or may not truly understand what it takes to build a winner.  James could step in and single handedly take on at least some of the control in this situation.  The same can be said for the likes of the Clippers, Nets and maybe the Heat.  The Cavs, in the strictest sense of business, don't really have a chance. 

(a short interlude here, Knicks fans:  The Knicks have zero fucking chance of getting LeBron James.  They will sign multiple free agents this summer and improve exponentially next season, but D'Antoni and Donnie Walsh are set in stone, and neither of their personalities fit in with the LBJ manifesto, believe me.)

And so what am I getting at here, you ask?  I'm basically saying that the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to have to do a lot more than make badly sung music videos to keep their city wide cash cow, they are going to have to sign immediate as well as long term solutions to their rotating positions at center, small forward and point guard, they are going to have to develop a bench that can actually defend and they are going to have to hire a head coach who can deal with a superstar and yet still not lose his fucking mind in the last three minutes of every playoff game. 

If you're asking me for a solution to these problems, I have none right now, but I WILL say that James, like every other NBA player, is not sympathetic towards his home crowd.  He will throw up his white powder in every city in America if it means he will get more chances at winning the big one and making the bucks.  He may be young, but he is not dumb.  Perhaps this is why the Calipari rumors may, in fact, be realistic. 

-Terrence Adams

The NBA is a Worthless Managerie of Overpaid Dicks: Your 2010 Playoff Manifesto

Who here is super psyched to be staring down the barrel of yet another Boston Celtics/Los Angeles Lakers NBA Finals matchup?  Go ahead, raise your hands. 

/looks out at crowd

No one?  Really?  Oh wait, I see you there in the back, the girls with the pink Red Sox hats on, yeah I gotcha. 

The 2010 NBA Playoffs have been an absolute dud.  Each series has been worse than the last.  From stem to fucking David Stern.  The competition has been woefully unexciting, the games, for the most part, complete laughers and the officiating...oh sweet Jesus the officiating. 

And now we get to watch both the Magic and Suns shit away their seasons and pretty much hand over a place in the Finals to the Celtics and Lakers, a series that no one outside of Boston and L.A. wants to see.  You'd think that Dwight Howard and Steve Nash would bristle a little bit at the sentiment that they can't win when it counts, that they don't have that killer instinct and yet all we see are two men on an island, more than happy to accept their fates as the constant second fiddle in their respective conferences. 

And they're not the only ones!  Can ANYONE in the NBA compete anymore?

The Cleveland Cavaliers were supposed to have been able to, and looked for a time to be unstoppable.  Unstoppable, that is, until LeBron James, the league MVP, decided that instead of fighting he would rather do his best to give fans and the Celtics souvenir basketballs for six games.  That's a joke...about him turning the ball over a lot...you know, because that's what he...aw fuck it, forget it.  He sucked when it counted most, is what I'm getting at, and though the rest of his teammates should share some of the blame, he was the one who was supposed to march through these playoffs and bring home the title to Cleveland, he's supposed to be the second coming of Michael Jordan.  You know what he is instead?  He's the second coming of Dominique Wilkins minus a slam dunk title.  Congratulations, here's your complementary tea set. 

And now instead of seeing the likes of James or Howard or Nash, we once again get Paul fucking Pierce and Kobe Bryant, the two WORST personalities in the league. 

Paul Pierce may be THE biggest whiner in all of sports.  I swear to Jesus H. Christ on the Cross that if I see him make that stupid, abhorrent there's-no-way-I-fouled-him-but-he-definitely-fouled-me-and-I-can't-believe-you-would-call-something-otherwise face one more time, I'm going to snap and rip the flat screen TV down from the wall at my local watering hole.   And they won't like that, which means that I definitely won't like that. 

He's a flopper, a bitcher, a moaner and his only redeeming quality is that the fucking asshole hits shots.  He hits threes and fade aways and floaters.  I mean, goddamnit, he's a gamer and it's really really annoying.  It's annoying, you see, because a man with so much God given talent should let his game speak for itself instead of making it seem as though he's owed something every time he steps on the court.

You are not owed shit by anyone, Paul Pierce, you are on a team that was bought for the pure sake of winning championships.  Your coach is Doc Rivers.  DOC. RIVERS.  A man that would be struggling to keep a coaching job at a junior college had your team's ownership decided not to bring in Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.  That's your coach. 

Jesus, have you seen those 'inside the locker room' snippets during this year's playoffs?  Rivers sounds like he memorized the script to Hoosiers and is just repeating that instead of coaching.  No wonder these assholes like playing for him, he's like a substitute teacher in a gifted class.  Nobody has to pay attention to him because they already know enough.  It hurts me a little that Nate Robinson might win a ring under him.  Not because Robinson doesn't deserve it, he might be the only Celtic who does, but because it will have been acquired under Doc Rivers' "watch". 


And don't even get me started on Rajon Rondo.  Seriously.  Please don't.  Or Rasheed Wallace, who never ceases to look as though he's still shocked to be wearing a Celtics uniform.  Or Kendrick Perkins, whose only role is to foul and then complain about being called for a foul.  Or Big Baby, or Brian Scalibrine!  BRIAN SCALIBRINE HAS A CHAMPIONSHIP RING, I mean, I think that guy had 'fry cook' locked in as a second career had this whole basketball thing not worked out, holy moly. 


And what of the Lakers, you ask?  Well, there's a few things at play here.  


First of all, Phil Jackson is a Hall of Fame coach and has earned that respect with his effective yet unorthodox coaching style.  He's the zen master.  The Dharma Dribbler.  The Buddhist Baller.  The...the...umm..well, you get the point, he's good.  That being said, Phil Jackson should take a note or two from his humble teachings and *gasp* stay humble!  Just like Paul Pierce isn't owed any special treatment, Phil Jackson isn't owed a platform to take pot shots at other players just because he's got a ring for each finger.  You have to, at times, remember what got you those rings from time to time.  And really, what coach couldn't do a little damage with Kobe Bryant bringing the ball down the floor for you. 


Ahh Kobe.  You sly dog, you.  Much like LeBron James,  you are not Michael Jordan.  Your game is impeccable and you definitely close out games when called upon, but oh lord are you not like MJ.  You know why?  Because though MJ made some enemies across the league, he wasn't widely hated by everyone else's fanbase.  Oh, and he was a gambler, not a rapist.  Oh, and he was the greatest player to ever play the game.  You are not him.  You are good, but you are a big fish in a small pond.  The league, for whatever reason, is diluted nowadays.  Players care less about the competition and more about the huge contracts.  Teams are bringing in guys to draw attendance, not championships.  I mean, you tell me how well you think Kobe would be doing if he had to face teams like the mid-nineties Knicks or the late eighties Pistons.  Do you think he'd be nearly as successful?  Especially when you consider the team he's surrounded with now?  Oh, and he's also a ballhog who would throw his entire team and organization under the bus just so none of the blame would rest with him.  What a guy. 


Fuck man, what a SERIES!  Yeah!  Boston!  Los Angeles!  It's predictable shit like this matchup that makes me expect to see David Stern call an emergency press conference and let the world know that the NBA will now be sponsored by none other than Vince McMahon.  It's rigged!  Rigged I say!  Just ask Tim Donaghy.

And now, go forth and enjoy the remainder of this terrible year of professional basketball.  Thank God for baseball.


-Terrence Adams

The Conference Finals: How the West was won, and The Incredible Halak

If my predictions were a weather pattern, it’d be a high pressure system that’s stalled. Every day is more of the same. The patterns repeat. Nothing changes. It’s like L.A., you don’t even have to look out the window to know how to dress.

My predictive outcomes are predictably predictable. Once again, I nailed the West. And once again, ohfer in the East. If you’re a bettin’ man/gal, take heed. My word is gospel if the puck drops in a non-Eastern Standart Time zone. If it does drop in EST, don’t do as I say, do exactly the opposite.

Western Conference Finals

San Jose Sharks (1) vs. Chicago Blackhawks (2)

The Western Conference has thus far followed the program. With the exception of Detroit’s ousting of Phoenix (which in the world of upsets is a .3 out of 10), all the top seeds have held serve. Joe Pavelski’s absurd play (I mean that nicely [9 G, 6 A]) has helped the Sharks shed a little of the choke baggage from years past. Evgeni Nabokov (2.43 GAA) hasn’t been standing on his head, but has certainly played respectably with only two stinkers in the playoffs through two rounds (game 2 vs. Avs, game 4 vs. Red Wings). Further, the Sharks bucked their aversion to beating Detroit—clearing these kinds of psychological hurdles can do wonders.

The Hawks, meanwhile, have put together some very impressive games. They’ve also turned in a couple of their worst performances—that I can recall—in the past four or five years (see games 1 and 5 vs. Vancouver). Yet, the physical play of Byfuglien, Eager and Burish sparked a seemingly, at times, dead team. Toews continues to improve, which is scary because he’s already faneffingtastic. And Kris Versteeg’s play makes me like him more everyday. Also, Hossa decided to show up. When he’s good, all’s good.

That’s all the good.

The bad for the Pacific victors is that Kent Huskins and Jason Demers have not been Nabokov’s favorite blueliners. At times, they play like they’re secret agents for the other city. Linemates Dany Heatly and Joe Thorton have combined for 22 pts. and 26 PIM.

The bad for the Central victors is that the Hawks come out of the gates at a trot rather than a gallop, losing game one in both series so far. They also took, like, fifty too many men on the ice penalties during the first two rounds, and the Sharks special teams is WAY better than Vancouver’s. Face-off wins will take on added importance, as the Sharks, led by Manny Malhotra and JT, are crafty at swiping drops, while the Hawks struggle at times. John Madden could help here.

This series will come down to the level of physicality and goaltending. The Hawks would like to fustigate the Sharks like they did the ‘Nucks. However, the Sharks are a bigger, sturdier bunch (Joe T., Seto, Clowe).

Will Nabokov continue to play as consistently as he did against the Avs and Wings? Will Niemi (for whom each subsequent game is uncharted waters) continue to play well enough to give the high octane Hawks offense the chance to win?

The answers is simple…yes.

To which question, you ask? I’ll never tell.

Okay, the key here comes down to coach Q.: Does he play Seabrook and Keith against the Thorton or Pavelski line? I say, despite Pavelski’s stellar performance two rounds in, shut down the Thorton line. Seabrook and Keith are bigger than Hjalmarsson and Campbell, and that will help them against Thorton. Campbell and Hjalmarsson can keep up with Seto and Pavelsky’s speed. If the Hawks can then stave off the aggressive forecheck of SJ and establish one of their own, a la game three and four against Vancouver, they’ll be skating for the Cup. If they don’t do this, they’ll be golfing in ten days’ time.

Hawks win in what is one of the great conference match ups in recent memory.

Eastern Conference Finals

(I can’t believe I’m typing this) Philadelphia Flyers (7) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8)

The unlikeliest series ever has happened. The bottom two seeds have topped the East (Rangers, this could have been you…wait…no it couldn’t. You can’t win a 0-0 game.), and jagbag fans of Philly have Michael Leighton to thank.

The Canadiens, it turns out, are just that damn good. And they should be just about recovered from complications due to inhaling garbage fire fumes. Cammalleri is hands down the early leader for the Conn Smythe Trophy. Markov is healthy. Gomez can pass. Halak is Omazing.

The scoring is an interesting story here. The Canadiens have gotten a lot of points from just a few guys (Cammalleri, 12 G; Gionta, 7 G; Gomez 10 A). The Flyers have followed a similar formula (Briere, 7 G; Richards, 12 A; Giroux, 5 G). The absence of Jeff Carter will hurt though. That, and the tremendous defensive play of Spacek and Subban added to an already notable playoffs by Gill and Gorges spell trouble for the Flyers.

In the end, Leighton will have to out-perform the Incredible Halak. It’s possible. Hell, the Eastern Conference has proven that in spades. Anything’s possible, yes. But it won’t happen.

Canadiens. Oh. My. God.

-Kyle Wills

The Book of Schilling, and ESPN puts the ESP in sports.

What seems to be the obvious trend these days is the anointing of the next savior in sports before he or she (pfff, woman's sports...chea right) ever plays a single professional contest. Each respective sport has done this...with the help of ESPN. ESPN took hockey and shoved Sidney Crosby down our yaps. With basketball it was LeBron James (nice game the other night by the way), soccer it was Freddy Adu, and with football, it was Shotgun Jesus himself, Timothy Richard "Jean Shorts" Tebow.

So, why, why oh why, would I ever think that baseball would be spared this kind of completely logical assesment of someone who hasn't reached the Big Leagues yet? Yes, I am talking about Stephen Strasburg. Now, don't get me wrong, Strasburg himself should not be condemned for this. He has been quite a spectacle merely on his talent alone, which in this era of sports is miraculous. But let's be realistic, the kid is dominating the minor leagues. He hasn't pitched a major league inning. Joe Borchard used to tear up the minors, and look at his career stats in the majors. Not to diminish Strasburg's performance at this point, because quite frankly, it has been alarming, but this need by quote on quote "baseball experts" to attach a stigma of transcendence to a player who has yet to pitch at the highest level is only setting the kid up for failure.

What makes it so frustrating to watch is there is a network that has such an appetite for this kind of grandiose storyline that they seemingly force feed it at all costs. This is exactly what ESPN did yesterday with Karl Ravich, and Curt Schilling. During the course of the interview with Schilling, who knows excellence better than anyone citing that he channeled God during game 6 of the 2004 ALCS against the Yankees, Schilling made the following, rock solid prediction about Stephen Strasburg:

"If he comes up to the big leagues, which he will in the next probably month, you know, some period of time before the halfway point of the season, he'll immediately potentially be the best pitcher in the game."

Wow, immediately potentially!? I haven't heard a statement with that much conviction since an NFL scout once said of Al Del Greco, "He is quite possibly unquestionably potentially presently without a doubt the most accurate kicker I've ever seen...sort of." You can't find analysis that lock down reliable anywhere but ESPN.

My issue with this is it seems as if Schilling believes the kid is good, as do I and the rest of the baseball world, and Schilling seems to believe Strasburg very well could become great, but it also seems as if he's being forced to make projections about the kid that any current or former athlete this side of Ryan Leaf's view of reality knows isn't fair. Does Strasburg have all the tools to become one of the best we've ever seen? Absolutely. Does he have all the make-up and intangebles that make up a future ace of a staff? Of course. The problem then? This is exactly what everyone was saying about Mark Prior when he was the next big thing in sports.

Prior, as we all know, was a very good pitcher until injuries derailed his career. That is, in essence, my entire point. Let this kid earn the right to be the greatest of all time, rather than thrust this onto his back and force him to carry it throughout his career. This seems to be necessary so that if Strasburg does fail, ESPN has a spoon fed narrative about how much of a bust he was. The reality is that pitchers, more than any athletes in sports, are prone to unexpected physical break downs, thus impeding their progress as pitchers at any level, making it hard to fulfill what one's potential was. Take it from someone who has his own shoulder carved up and pieced back together. It's a very humbling experience when you try to come back from surgery and realize that your fastball isn't quite as fast as you or any hitter you've ever faced remembered it, or your breaking ball is now just, well, a ball. Trying to reinvent yourself from sixty feet six inches isn't the easiest thing to do, especially when you have the natural talent that has been bestowed on Stephen Strasburg's right shoulder. It would be unfair to conclude any injury suffered by Stephen Strasburg would mean his career's imminent doom, but it's something we can't predict, so why try?

Please, ESPN, don't force this kid into my living room every night and have people who are as sane as Curt Schilling make such ridiculous, and,uh, confusing statements to the point I can no longer respect or enjoy this kid's journey. Report on what he is doing, not on what he should or may do. Give me updates, not prophecies. Please, let me relish in the journey of this young man, and do him a favor...let him earn his place in history.

-Ben Wills

The Reds are two games above .500. In related news, the end of the world is nigh. A 32 games update from Redleg nation.

So here were are, the fightin' Cincinnati Reds sitting pretty at 17-15 on the season.  Bronson Arroyo has just pitched us into our 10th win in 14 games and all is seemingly right with the world.  Allow me then, to take a moment to talk about the state of my beloved team.

Okay, so we're playing well.  You know who's to thank for that?  (please don't say it please don't say it please don't say it) DUSTY BAKER!  Well, kind of, in way.  I mean, he's responsible for shaking up the lineup so that we actually have some decent hitting at the top of the order.

What's that?  There's a history of trouble at the top of the Reds lineup?  You're fuckin' a right there is!  So far this season we've trotted out both Drew Stubbs and Chris Dickerson to play point man for the offense and so far neither of them have been able to fully grasp what it means to put the bat on the ball.

So what's wrong with them?  Allow me to elaborate.

Drew Stubbs, before he was mercifully moved to the sixth spot in the lineup, was batting a robust .174.  The kid has mounds of talent.  He can run like the wind and plays a solid center field, but that doesn't make up for the fact that he's never really been given a chance to get confident with his bat.  He will be the future Reds lead off man, I have no doubt about this.  His swing is true and when he does hit, he hits hard and all over the field.  The only problem is that his slump has gotten into his head.  He's going up to the plate expecting to pop out.  He's going up there and taking weak hacks at bad pitches.  Now, that's not to say that he's a free swinger (he's third on the team with 13 walks), it's just that the pitches he finally hits are either right to someone or he's early.  The number of foul balls he smacks during an at bat makes you believe wholly that he has the eye and patience to bat lead off, but not the timing.  He'll get there eventually and I think that you'll see him back in the lead off spot before the season is over.

Chris Dickerson, on the other hand, reminds me a lot of Reggie Sanders.  he can't hit the high fast ball and tries too hard to send everything over the fence.  The biggest difference between Sanders and C-Dick is that Sanders actually had the power to make this approach reasonable.  Before his injury, he had struck out 20 times and walked once in 44 plate appearances.  One fucking walk!  Holy shit, I mean come ON.  His patience is absolutely abhorrent and his inability to hit anything higher than his knees is just frustrating.  I'm almost glad he's on the DL right now, just so that maybe he'll come back with a fresh view point.  He's got amazing speed and plays decent defense, but I really hope that he settles into a utility role for this team.  Nothing he does is exceptional and as a lead off man he whiffs more than Jeff Brantley's wife after a night out at Chile's.

Oh, I forgot to mention something about Stubbs.  He strikes out a lot too to the tune of 33 in 108 at bats.  So that's not good either.

The preceding few paragraphs are why I love the move to put Orlando Cabrera in the lead off spot.  He has experience there and though he doesn't have a lot of power, he makes a ton of contact and works counts.  He still has a little bit of speed left in his legs and has already shown that he can be the guy who gets on base for the big boys further down the lineup.

How are those big boys doing?  Pretty well, actually.  Brandon Phillips, though at times unbelievably lazy on the base paths, has steadied out his hitting and seems to be locked into his usual groove of hitting .270.  I only wish he would stop assuming any ball he hits into the outfield is an out.  This works when it's a homerun, because, well, it's a fucking homerun and you don't have to hustle, but when it's a double that you should be turning into a triple, it doesn't help one iota.  He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has a ruthless and highly intelligent hitter like Joey Votto behind him who makes people forget about his stupid mistakes.  That being said, I like him in the second spot of this lineup.  He has enough power and quicks and is consistent enough to always pose an RBI threat at the plate.

Now...Votto, Rolen and Bruce.  Well, let's put it this way, they have really outdone my expectations for them.  As I said before, Votto will get his numbers because he's just that good.  Rolen hasn't shocked me so much as he's made me respect his veteran status.  He ALWAYS works the count and can make pitchers pay for throwing pretty much any kind of pitch.  The fact that he's chipped in six homeruns is just plain icing on the cake.  The guy I'm most impressed with out of these three, however, is Jay Bruce.  He's really starting to see the ball well and his patience has improved exponentially from last season.  He's still striking out more than I would like, but I'll take a .250 batting average if that means I get 30 dingers and 90 RBI in return.  It also helps that he is an out of this world defender.  His throwing arm is a goddamn hand cannon.  If anyone saw his throw to home during the second game in the most recent Cubs series you know what I'm talking about.  Marlon Byrd certainly does.


As for the rest of the lineup, well, the 6,7 and 8 hitters are somewhat interchangeable right now.  Both Ramon Hernandez and Ryan Hanigan have been solid in the 8 spot and I hope that Dusty decides to keep them there for the duration.  As for the rotating cast in the other two positions...well...I guess Jonny Gomes is the best option, but the dude hits (and subsequently LOOKS) like Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men.  He only wants the long ball (that's what she said).  Laynce Nix is all filler and no killer as far as I have seen so far, his walk off homer against the (bitch ass) Cubs not withstanding.  Stubbs has been moved down to the 6 spot for the time being, and though it's not much of an improvement, he still has 4 hits in his last 16 at bats, which is four more than you could really ask for out of him right now.


All in all, our offense has shown itself to be hilariously and unexpectedly solid.  We're getting on base and we're actually getting runners across.


Now, what about the pitching?  Well shit, I don't know, this is where it gets tough.  Aaron Harang has finally started to find his groove again and Bronson Arroyo has been his usual all or nothing self through out his first few starts.  Mike Leake has been 'holy shit' level amazing, which came totally out of the blue for me.  There's something about his pitching style that makes you think that he's not getting guys out only because they haven't seen him before.  He has five plus pitches that he throws and mixes them up intelligently.  He keeps his breaking stuff down in the strike zone and has shown that he is a legitimate ground ball pitcher, which a team that calls the homerun friendly confines of Great American Ball Park home desperately needs.  He's been calm, collected and focused.  I think that there's a spot on the All-Star team for him if he keeps this up.


That leaves us with Johny Cueto and Homer Bailey (I'll get to the bullpen in a moment).  Cueto can't concentrate for shit.  The bastard pitches like Cy Young for three innings and then starts looking at all the pretty birdies in the fourth.  It's fucking mind boggling.  I mean, I know he's had some decent outings so far this year, but he always seems to get himself into the most insane jams.  He'll get two outs in an inning and then walk the bases loaded...or strike out the other team's best hitter only to give up a long ball to their 7th hitter.  I don't get it.  His stuff can be nasty at times and when he's on he's unhittable, but he can't seem to stay focused for an entire start.  Perhaps it's a product of being so young, but eventually he's gonna have to figure that shit out for real if he wants to stay in anyone's starting rotation.  Homer Bailey, on the other hand, can't locate shit.  His fastball is all over the place and he consistently runs up 3-2 counts on seemingly every hitter.  He and Cueto are the reasons our bullpen got so taxed the first few weeks, and though Leake, Harang and Arroyo have gotten on track, these two are still the problem children that will need to right their respective ships if we're gonna make a run for the wild card.


And what about the bullpen?  Well, it's coming around.  Mike Lincoln still can't string together two solid appearances in a row, but Nick Masset, Daniel Ray Herrera and Sir Arthur Rhodes have all been lock down as of late.  The only real worry here is one Francisco Cordero.  If I have to watch him fight through another save opportunity I'm going to goddamn scream.  He CONSISTENTLY walks at least one guy and is always always always pitching out of the stretch.  His stuff has been good, but he, like Cueto, seems to suffer from momentary lapses in concentration.  He'll leave his pitches high on occasion or all of a sudden lose track of the strike zone.  He at times reminds me of that psycho ex-girlfriend who will murder your pet gerbil one night only to cook you a huge apology dinner the next.  Only you taste something funny half way through the meal and wonder to yourself, "Hey, did she put my dead pet gerbil in this stew?" but the only problem is you never get the chance to ask the question aloud because she drugged the dead-pet-gerbil stew and you wake up naked and tied to a dentist's chair in some basement somewhere where you're not sure if it's night or day and then...ummm...*cough*....


And so on.


So what does all this mean in the end?  It means we're 17-15 and in pretty decent shape for a run at both the Central title and the wild card.  You know what it also means?  That the Cubs suck huge herpes infested donkey balls.  FACE.


- Terrence Adams

A Long Season for Something No One Cares About. It's The Stupid Power Rankings...MLB Style

It's one month into the season, so it's that time again to jump to ridiculous conclusions and hand out the most irrelevant prizes in all of sports...THE POWER RANKINGS!!!!!

Note: The records and stats are from the month of April, so if you're counting this weekends games, get a life...Terry!

1. Tampa Bay Rays (17-6)- Promise came to fruition in 2008, and after missing the playoffs last year, the Rays seem to be back and better than '08. Their offense is awesome, with Crawford, Longoria, and Pena doing their damage, but B.J. Upton looks like his power is starting to become more consistent.

The real story has been their pitching. Not having a starting pitcher with an ERA above 3.70 is nice, but the bullpen has been equally effective. If Shields, Garza, and Price can continue to pitch like this, the East is theirs to win.

Noteworthy note: Since the Rays dropped the "Devil" from their name for the '08 season, the Tampa Bay Rays are 198-149 with one World Series appearance. Hmm, maybe there is a God.

2. St Louis Cardinals(15-8)- Most People would put the Yanks here, but there's one reason the Cardinals are two on this list...Albert Pujols. .345 with 7 bombs and 19 RBIs is impressing, and it's allowing Holliday and Ludwick to see pitches to hit as well. Colby Rasmus has shown that he was read for the bigs by posting a .323 average to go along with 6 knocks and 12 ribbies, which has helped add depth to a line-up that was in need of someone to step up after losing Mark Derosa to free agency.

If it wasn't for Kyle Lohse, the Cards starting staff would be omazing with a capital O, with Brad Penny having his best season since he stopped throwing Alyssa Milano a heavy dose of screwballs. Ryan Franklin has been solid as the closer, but with a 1.86 ERA and almost three times as many K's as Franklin, Jason Motte is emerging as the heir apparent.

Noteworthy note: No Cardinals pitchers have died so far this year, and for that, the season is already a success.

3. New York Yankees(15-7)- The Yankees are winning games, especially at home where they are 6-1, and they've been doing this while Mark Teixeira has yet to hit a ball for seemingly the last month. Robinson Cano is hammering the pelota, and Posada doesn't look a day over 47 for the first time in a couple years. None of their offseason additions in the line-up have looked good so far, with Randy Winn posting a .077 BA so far, but if Curtis Granderson (who looks more like Curtis Fanderson, 17 K's in 77 AB's), Nick Johnson, or Randy Winn can get started with Teixeira, this offense will be as scary as a Tea Party convention.

The pitching has been solid, almost bordering dominant if it wasn't for Javier Vazquez being a real life psychology experiment every 5th day( 20 runs in 20 innings, all earned). His meltdowns have diminished what has otherwise been very good starting pitching. Joba the Hut has been strong since moving to the bullpen, which is where he belongs, and Rivera has gone untouched through 9 innings, posting a 0.00 ERA, 9 K's, and only 3 hits, but the rest of the pen hasn't been so good. With Chan "Hey" Ho Park having injury problems already this season and no one else picking up the slack, they Yanks better hope that the pen doesn't become the herpes of the team, with constant flare-ups and no cure.

Noteworthy note: Yankee fans still haven't read up on the proper etiquette for leaving your hat on during "God Bless America". I continue to take mine off, only because I don't eat knuckle sandwiches.

4. San Francisco (13-9)- Basically this offense has to score a run to win a game, but they have hit the shit out of the ball so far. There isn't a plethora of power on this team, but at AT&T park, you won't get much power, unless you eat an assload of steroids and Human Growth Hormone. Pablo Sandoval continues to make everyone want to hug him (or is that just me?). Edgar Renteria, Juan Uribe, and Aaron Rowand all are hitting .300+. Nate Shierholtz continues to stroke the ball when he has the chance, and in San Francisco that is quite frequently, hitting at a .375 clip.

The real story of the Giants 2010 team is their starting pitching. This gangbang of pitching is headed up by Tim Lincecum, who looks like he'll be competing for his 3rd straight Cy Young Award. Jesus Sanchez and Barry Zito, who is having his best year since crossing the Bay, join Lincecum with sub 2 ERA's. Matt Cain hasn't been great, but he hasn't been bad either, but if he starts to light it up, things could get orgasmic. Brian Wilson and the bullpen has been good, and it's not too hard when you're only job is just not to blow anything (oh, no, that could be taken the wrong way).

Noteworthy note: Bengie Molina just made it to first base on a ground ball he hit last Tuesday.

5. Minnesota Twins (15-8)- Will this team ever have a bad year ever again? Mauer is struggling so far at only a .345 BA, , Morneau is only hitting .347, and his 17 RBI's are only seconds on the team, behind Michael Cuddyer, who has only 18. This M&M tandem of won't melt in your mouth, but they will crush your balls (when did this post take a sexual turn; damn you San Francisco). Jim Thome has only managed 4 home runs in 43 at bats, and Denard Span is hitting a weak .301. This offense may be lacking slightly in power, but I doubt that will last long.

Francisco Liriano has re-emerged and has basically been un-hittable so far this season. The rest of the starting staff doesn't look as good, but with Matt Gurrier, Ron Mahay getting the ball to John Rauch, this team has managed to win games without Joe Nathan.

Noteworthy Note: Brett Farve (I'm spelling it the way it's pronounced, fuckers) still hasn't decided whether he'll attend any games this year or not. Tavaris Jackson has been waiting patiently outside Target Field all season.

6. Philadelphia Phillies(12-10)- This was probably the best looking team on paper going into this season, and they look like they are going to be very good, which is why they are ahead of a few teams that have better records than them this season. Utley looks like he could be in line for an MVP, Howard is right on his usual track, and Jayson Werth is becoming on of the most valuable outfielders in the game today. They would like to see Raul Ibanez get back to his power numbers from last year, but Jimmy Rollins hitting .391 is helping set up opportunities to score runs for this offense.

As far as pitching, I have two words for you. Suck it!!!! And then, I have two more...Roy Halladay. He's most likely the early front runner for a Cy Young, but the rest of the staff hasn't looked very good. The bullpen hasn't found any consistency to the 2010 campaign, and with Brad Lidge sucking balls and having to place Ryan Madson on the 15-day DL for giving a chair the ol' Al Del Greco, they may need to make solidifying their bullpen a major priority.

Noteworthy note: Players on the team are getting tired of having to give up their seat on the bus to Jamie Moyer.

7. New York Mets (14-9)- Who would've thought it would be Jeff Francoeur and Ike Davis, along with David Wright, that would be the catalysts to this teams offense. The rest of the offense has been pretty anemic, but they've still found ways to win games.

Pitching is most likely the cause for they Mets winning. Johan Santana and Mike Pelfrey have been awesome, but the biggest surprise has come from the steady performace out of the bullpen so far. The bullpen has killed the Mets the last couple of years, but this year it has been reliable. In the end though, I see this team falling in these standings as the season wears on, pissing off New Yorkers for yet another year.

Noteworthy note: RP #50 Sean Green is not Jewish.

8. San Diego Padres (15-8)- What the hell? Why is this team so good. They got rid of their ace pitcher last year, they have a roster full of guys who aren't household names, yet they are at the top of the NL west.

Adrian Gonzalez is the obvious pillar of the offense, but the Friars are getting great play from Chase Headley, as well. After those two, you look at this offense and their numbers and think, what the hell? (Again)

They put together a string of wins mainly due to good strong pitching, and John Garland's 2.57 ERA and 2-2 record is proving to be a pretty good pick up. Wade Leblanc has looked very good in his three starts, and Kevin Correia has been a pleasant surprise. Will the Padres win the division this year, probably not, but with budding stars like Kyle Blanks, it will be a fun year to watch the San Diego Padres play the underdog role.

Noteworthy note: They've stayed classy, Terry Adams has not.

9 Detroit Tigers (14-10)- Austin Jackson and Miguel Cabrera are starring on this prototypical mash and bash American League team. They hit, and hit, and hit, and hit, and hit. Having Magglio Ordonez look like the 2006 version has also been a bright spot for this club.

One thing they do not do is pitch. At least the starters anyway. They bullpen has put up some decent numbers so far, but they are getting no help from the likes of Justin Verlander (5.53 ERA), or Rick Porcello (8.03 ERA). If Valverde and Zumaya and the rest of the bullpen can find a little help from their friends, this team could find itself right in the hunt of the AL Central.

Noteworthy note: Miguel Cabrera is sticking to only clear liquors the mornings before day games this year.

10. Cincinnati Reds (12-11)- They are high up on the board mainly because I'm rooting for them. They don't have a great team, but it's pretty damn good. If Votto can stay out of the mental ward, and Jay Bruce can hit above .220, this team could vie for a playoff spot at season's end. Problem is, no regular (discounting Ryan Hanigan since he has fewer at bats than Ramon Hernandez) has a batting average over .275.

Which leads us to the pitching, which hasn't been that great in the early going. That doesn't bode well for this team winning it all, but when you look at the staff, it is foreseeable that they could go from bad to mediocre, then pray for Aroldis Chapman to come up and be the ace this team needs. The Reds bullpen has been good as long as it keeps the ball out of the hands of Nick Masset, who has a 11.32 ERA, but again, it's not a good thing when your team's best pitcher is in double A.

Noteworthy note: The first 10,000 fans attending the May 7th game against the Cubs will get free 4 inch thick goggles for Chris Sabo night. One lucky fan will also get to try to catch an Adam Dunn home run he hit originally in 2006.

11. Los Angeles Angles Of Anaheim (12-12)- This team is atop division no one seems to want through the first month. The Angles are relying heavily on Kendry Morales for run production, and while Abreu, Hunter, and Matsui are all nice bats to have in the line-up, this team seems to be one legitimate bat short of being very good.

The Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim of California of the United States of America have found an emerging ace in Jared Weaver, but they are definitely missing John Lackey. Joel Pineiro hasn't quite been what they had hoped, and Joe Saunders has started slow, but this pitching staff should start to come back to the norm and be pretty strong.

Noteworthy note: Where the fuck is this team located anymore?

12. Toronto Blue Jays (12-12)- This team has killed the ball over the first month. Vernon Wells is playing likes he's actually worth the 8.7 trillion dollars the Jays gave him, and Alex Gonzalez decided to say during the month of April, "What the shit, why not hit the piss out of the ball" (this according to inside sources). And while watching Adam Lind, it's hard not to think to yourself he would be a superstar if he didn't play in a country no one cares about.

Ricky Romero made the career decision to step into the shoes of Roy Halladay for the first month of the season, Shawn Marcum is about as solid as they come. Brandon Morrow has ace stuff, but he gets Community College results. The bullpen is very shaky, so trust me, this team will come down the list as the season continues.

Noteworthy note: All 3,000 people who attend Blue Jays games will get to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs on the scoreboard during the baseball game.

13. Oakland A's (12-12)- This is another team that will almost certainly begin to tail off as the season progresses. Yes it's the month of April, but having Kurt Suzuki lead your team in home runs is like Man Vs. Food's Adam Richman being the healthiest person in the room. It's not a good thing.

Pitching is where the team looks to be good so far. Dallas Braden has showed signs of life, Justin Duchscherer has faired well despite a mediocre strike-out to walk ratio (18 K's to 12 BB's), and Brett Anderson and Gio Gonzalez could both have ace stuff in the near future. Ben Sheets needs to fix his command problems, but his fastball looks to be back, which is a good sign. Unfortunately, I don't see him in Oakland past this year, which is when I think he'll begin to look like his old self. Andrew Baily is a total stud in the pen, which gives them a shot as long as they have a lead late in the game.

Noteworthy note: MC Hammer is once again a bat boy for the Athletics. He is thankful for the job.

14. Washington Nationals (13-10)- Yeah, that's right. They're 14 on the big stupid board. Yes, you're right, they won't stay there very long, but at least there is some promise in good ol' Warshington. Nyjer Morgan is going to be a very productive player. Josh Willingham is damn good, and they have a no longer budding now fully bloomed superstar in Ryan Zimmerman. Adam Dunn will get them some nice young prospects come July 31 and Ivan Rodriguez is hitting like he's back on the juice, so things are looking up for the Nasty Nats.

Stephen Strasburg got his ticket to Triple-A Syracuse today, so Livan Hernandez and the boys look to have some company in the need future. Jason Marquis hasn't quite been the acquisition Washington had hoped, but again, El Savior is on this way. The bullpen has performed admirably, but it isn't anything impressive. Oh, wait, Matt Capps has 10 saves in 10 opportunities. I bet that has caused a few "son of a bitches" from some GM's who passed on him this offseason.

Noteworthy Note: If I hear one more fan say they'd pay good money to watch Chris Stammen pitch...

15. Seattle Mariners (11-12)- Honestly, this was my pick to win the AL West and possibly be a World Series contender. Although it's early, they haven't played as well as most people expected. Once you get past Ichiro and Franklin Gutierrez, this offense looked more like the Coal City Marniers (home town shout out!!) than the Seattle Mariners. Milton Bradley must hate base hits too, because he's avoided them at all costs through the first month of the season, and Chone Figgins is still a favorite in Los Angeles, because he isn't doing anything so far for Seattle.

Getting Cliff Lee back will be big for this pitching staff, which has been very good so far in Lee's absence. King Felix is a young stallion, and he and Lee could very well turn out to be the best 1-2 punch in the AL.

Noteworthy note: Milton Bradley has invited everyone over for some broiled fish. He seems like a really nice guy.

16. Colorado Rockies (11-12)- The Rockies are a team that almost everyone agrees will be in the top 10 of this stupid thing by the month of June. Troy Tulowitzki is the face of this club, and though he had only 1 HR through April, he should deviate back to his norm and start knocking balls out of the park. This line-up mixes speed, contact, and power about as well as anyone, and if Miguel Olivo hits anything near what he hit in April, this offense should be pretty damn impressive, yet again.

Ubaldo Jimenez has probably the best stuff in the National League, and he may have the best stuff in baseball. He notched himself a no-no, so his confidence should take off along with his stock as the game's best pitcher. The rest of the starting seems to be more concerned about watching Jimenez than winning their own games. Jorge De La Rosa has been solid with a 3-1 record and a respectable 3.91 ERA, but Colorado needs someone (I'm looking at you Aaron Cook) to step up and give the Rockies some depth in the rotation.The bullpen has been okay, but only 3 saves in one month is a little more than alarming.

Noteworthy note: All the Rockies players have already said they can't wait to have Tim Teabow come to throw out the first pitch so they can tell him to shut the fuck up.

17. Florida Marlins (11-12)- Chris Coghlan isn't quite having the sophomore season he or the Florida Marlins had hoped. Hitting just .195 through April, he hasn't given the Marlins the fire they needed at the top of the order. Jorge Cantu started the season red hot, and if he can continue to drive in runs, they Marlins should be a tough club all year.

Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco could become a top notch combo in the Marlins rotation in the near future. All that's in the way? Health and consistency. Josh Johnson is maybe the best pitcher ESPN pays no attention to (and the list of pitchers they ignore is quite large), and Nolasco can be every bit as dominant when healthy, but Nolasco has had some arm issues, so the spotlight may have to wait for just a little bit. The rest of the Marlins good young arms need to become just good arms if this team is going to compete.

Noteworthy note: I lived across the street from Wrigley Field in 2008 when the Cubs fans booed Dan Uggla every time he came to bat for his 2008 All-Star game performance because they thought it ruined their chances to have home field advantage for the World Series. Dan is waiting for their apology.

18. Chicago White Sox (9-14)- .193, .187, .169, .108, .091, and .200. No, those aren't high school wrestling weight classes, they are batting averages of some of the White Sox hitters. The offense apparently stayed in Arizona when the team broke north, with the exception of Andruw Jones and Paul Konerko, who is currently leading all the majors in home runs. They lack clutch hitting, they lack the small ball qualities Ozzie Guillen so desperately begged for (hard to steal bases when you're not on base), and they lack any sign of intensity. And why does it look like Juan Pierre and Omar Vizquel are hitting a medicine ball every time they make contact?

The rotation, with the exception of John Danks, has pissed their pants, with Jake Peavy leading the charge. I'm not ready to give up on Peavy, but 100 pitches through 5 and 1/3 isn't goint to cut it. The bullpen on the other hand has been damn good. Matt Thornton is the most fun person in baseball to watch. Never has 98 mph looked so easy. Putz and Linebrink have been admirable, too, and Sergio Santos looks like a closer in the making. Could Bobby Jenks be trade bait in July? Yes, as long as he doesn't eat himself.

Noteworthy note: At .091, Omar Visquel is hitting Alexei Ramirez's weight.

19. Atlanta Braves (9-14)- Atlanta looked to be a sleeper in the NL East, but instead, they just went to sleep. Besides Martin Prado and Jason Heyward (team leading 20 RBI's), the bats have been silent. Chipper Jones has already begun to break down, Troy Glaus is producing a lot of big whiffahs, Nate McClouth hasn't gotten over his case of the Pirates, and Brian McCann doesn't look like the All-Star he has been in the past. Bobby Cox's final year could be a long one watching this offense.

Tommy Hanson picked up where he left off last season, and Tim Hudson looks healthy for the first time in a while, but Lowe, Jurrjens, and Kawakami are giving McCann a cold with all the people breezing past him at home plate. Billy Wagner has looked good so far, unfortunately for him and the Braves, there just aren't any saves to be had so far this season.

Noteworthy note: Hoooooo ohhhh ohhoooooo, hooooooooooope you like small pox.

20. Boston Red Sox (11-12)- Almost nothing has been more exciting than to watch the Boston Red Sox struggle this season. Their offense has been offensive, and there really isn't much hope for it to drastically turn around. Dustin Pedroia has started well with 6 HR's and 18 RBI's while hitting .302, but David Ortiz has been equally as bad. Big Crappy is hitting .143 with a, yes, a home run and 4 RBI's. Since being exposed for the fraud he is last year, Ortiz has struggled and all the negativity has taken him from charismatic and endearing to just plain annoying. Victor Martinez is the x factor in this offense, if he can get hot, he could help turn things around.

The Sawks (I prefer Sucks) pitching hasn't been all it was hyped up to be. John Lackey doesn't have his usual stuff, and Josh Beckett is walking too many hitters while not striking out enough. Clay Buchholz is carrying way too much of Boston's weight in the rotation, especially for a bullpen that can't seem to strand runners.

Noteworthy note: It's nice to watch Red Sox fans squirm in frustration while they try to figure out why they aren't getting their way anymore.

21. Arizona Diamondbacks (11-12)- Kelly Johnson and Mark Reynolds both have 9 homers, and Chris Young is putting together a nice start, but the big disappointment has been Justin Upton, who has yet to get hot. This team is striking out too much, with Upton being the ring leader with 35 strikeouts already. They could be dangerous if they figure out the object is to make contact with the ball.

The Diamondbacks' ERAs would look more favorable if they were Olympic diving scores. Edwin Jackson hasn't been able to build on his past two seasons, and Brandon Webb is being missed sorely, and no one seems to be sure exactly when he's coming back. The bullpen's been about as unproductive as a Dr. Phil episode.

Noteworthy note: Arizona just passed a new immigration law this past week because they apparently don't like really good double play combinations.

22. Chicago Cubs (11-13)- "Year One" is the Cubs marketing campaign this year. Too bad reality is that it's year "One" hundred and 2 without a World Series title. That doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. Ryan Theriot and Marlon Byrd have been impressive so far, but the Cubs biggest issue is the middle of their order, Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, hitting .215 and .155 respectively. Timely hits haven't been coming at the right time, which, if that makes any sense, is a problem.

The pitching hasn't been all that bad, but any time Carlos Silva is carrying the staff, then there's an issue. Carlos Zambrano was moved to the bullpen which only worked because he realized that was the only way for him to stay relevant, and being the drama queen he is, Zambrano would rather be in the spotlight than in the playoffs. The bullpen is too thin to really contend this year, so don't expect much more than what they are offering right now.

Noteworthy note: It must be distracting to the team to know that Lou Pinella is expecting twins.

23. Texas Rangers (11-12)- This team can hit, and they can pitch some too, but they just can seem to win. This team could move up quickly (for what it's worth) if they could find a way to put together a string of wins.

Josh Hamilton is starting to look like he did two years ago, Nelson Cruz is too legit to quit, and Vlad Guerrero is batting .326 with 13 RBI's for the Rangers, so this team very well could get hotter than Louie Anderson's armpits. If Ian Kinsler can come back healthy, they could make a serious push at the division.

Colby Lewis and C.J. Wilson have been great so far, and Scott Feldman is the best Jewish pitcher since Koufax, but the back end of the bullpen has been unable to find the marriage between stuff and results. They are better off just trying to win games 14-13.

Noteworthy note: Where's the party at? Ron Washington's house.

24. Pittsburgh Pirates (10-13)- This ranking epitomizes why power rankings are stupid. Through the first month of the season, they weren't the worst team in baseball, but by the end of September, you can be damned sure they will be. Andrew McCutchen is clearly a budding star on this team, and Ryan Doumit is proving to be a solid backstop, but the Bucs have little or nothing else to look forward to. There is still a lot of confusion to moving Nate McClouth and Nyjer Morgan, which teamed with McCutchen would've made for a brilliant young outfield. Instead, Pittsburgh is looking at another decade of bad offense.

The pitching, well, that's the same story. Their ERA's look like stations on the FM dial. Zach Duke has been the teams best arm for the last couple of years, and that's not really a good thing. Simply put, theirs no end in sight to shitty baseball for the Pirates.

Noteworthy note: At least Pittsburgh has Ben Roethlisberger semi-raping girls to distract them from the Pirates.

25. Los Angeles Dodgers (9-14)- This team isn't this far down on the list just because they haven't played well, but also because there is a chance things could implode very quickly. Ned Colletti has called out several players (namely Matt Kemp) he thinks aren't doing enough to win Dodger hustle award. This team might be stuggling now, but with Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, and James Loney leading the charge, this team is far too talented to not win ballgames. Man Ram is hitting, but staying out of trouble is a more pressing issue for this team to get back in the race.

Clayton Kershaw and Hideki Kuroda are pitching well, but Vincente Padilla is more sweaty than good. Chad Billingsley has to chose between being good or being great, and if he chooses the later, this staff will have enough to win the division, or at least make a play at the wild card. Through April, this team has one save (Jonathon Broxton), in five opportunities in the entire month. Umm, i'm no mathlete, but that's awful.

Noteworthy note: Joe Torre has to have the major's largest prostate in baseball.

26. Milwaukee Brewers (9-14)- The Brew Crew can rake, but they sure can't pitch much. Ryan Braun is possibly the best outfielder in the NL, Casey McGehee is a damn good player, and Ricky Weeks is showing some promise, finally. Prince Fielder hasn't been himself so far, but that should change, and it absolutely has to or else.

Or else what? Or else they won't win another game all year that isn't pitched by Yovani Gallardo. They've gotten good starts from Randy Wolfe, but, he's Randy Wolfe. He's an average pitcher being asked to post better than average numbers. As for the bullpen, well, all I have to say is Trevor Hoffman is 4 for 8 in save chances. Is that a collective "oh shit" coming from Wisconsin?

Noteworthy note: Reliever Todd Coffey loves high fructose corn syrup.

27. Cleveland Indians (9-13)- The Tribe needs Shin-Soo Choo to carry the load, because Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner aren't playing even close to the level they were in 2007. Also, Matt LaPorta hasn't been as advertised to this point.

Fausto Carmona looks great when he's not spotting the ball 6 inches in the left-handed batters box, and Matt Talbot has Cy Young numbers with Charles Nagy stuff. The whole staff, especially the bullpen, has major control issues. Kerry Wood will be auditioning for teams once he gets back from his 34th trip to the DL.

Noteworthy note: CC Sabathia was flattered that his old uniform is still displayed at the Jake during rain delays as the Indians field tarp.

28. Houston Astros (8-14)- This team is like watching the movie Cocoon on rewind. Everyone keeps waiting for the rebuilding project to start, but the team just gets older and worse. Carlos Lee has a goose egg in the home run department and is hitting .176, and Lance Berkman has started slow since coming back from injury.

Roy Oswalt has great stuff despite having a bad back, and Wandy Rodriguez and Brett Myers have acceptable numbers so far, but there just isn't enough pitching here to make a run like they have the last couple of years.

Noteworthy note: Everything is bigger in Texas, and that applies to the fans' disappointment.

29. Kansas City Royals (9-14)- This team will be good in a year or so, but for now, they have to settle on sucking. Billy Butler is getting better seemingly each week, and Jose Guillen is hammering everything in site, but they would like to see Alex Gordon become at least half the player they projected him to be.

Zach Greinke a 2.56 ERA and 27 K's over 31.2 innings, but he's 0-2 through April. Gil Meche on the other hand is proving to be money that wasn't well spent on a team that doesn't spend a lot of money. Kyle Farnsworth still has very tight pants, which has nothing to do with his abilities, but it can't help. Joakim Soria would be a household name if he played anywhere else.

Noteworthy note: George Brett has taken the most beautiful double-tapered shit known to man.

30. Baltimore Orioles (5-18)- This team sucks really bad.

Noteworthy note: At least the world will end in 2012.

The power rankings are in, and if it wasn't obvious enough already, these things are pretty stupid...but totally awesome!!!!

-Ben Wills