Cigars for everyone! Iupati has arrived!: Actual Samoan may be different than the one pictured

Announcement:

I hope you’ll share in the welcoming of Mike Iupati into our lives. The beautiful 6’5^1/8,” 331 lbs., offensive guard out of University of Idaho was selected by the San Francisco 49^ers with the 17^th pick of the first round in the NFL’s 2010 first-ever three-day fury of football blowhard overkill.

Born in American Samoa, Iupati's family picked up and moved to Cali when Mikey was 14 years old. The family felt, despite their relative wealth in their native unincorporated territory, that this move would provide them with greater opportunity. As he expressed at his combine interview: “I came U.S. [sic] My family decided for us kids to have a better education.” Well buddy, we’re witnessing those dividends pay-off as you speak…and really, how sad is an American Samoan education if it’s inferior to American-proper education?

He pressed on about the transition and the effort it took: “[The family] sacrific[ed] a lot of stuff back in Samoa because we were very well off.”

Oh, no. Was it goats? Please tell me it wasn’t cats or dogs…or, dear god, people?! Was it people? What were they sacrificing? Did I get stuck with a primitive? What were they sacrificing?

Wait! He’s not done.

“…Because coming to the U.S. and realizing how it’s very difficult financially.”

Well...close enough. I think I get it. Like any proud parent, there’s often a period of time when only the mother or father can understand her/his child’s baby-gibberish. I think it’s the same for draft adoptions.

He’s saying the family made a sacrifice by coming to the U.S. because his father was like the Charles Emerson Winchester III of Samoa. However, in the U.S., they find themselves living more like Radar O’Reilly. See, coming here WAS the sacrifice. Thank God! Now I can return to my oneiric fancies of cats and dogs and goats frolicsomely enjoying life in the South Pacific.

Anyway, in high school, he excelled in wrestling and football—which is redundant because I already mentioned he was Samoan—but this Polamalu-esque-be-maned rising star had some issues with the SATs—mainly, that his No. 2 had a penchant for finding wrong answers—and he found himself on the outside-looking-in upon more traditional American Samoan college football powers (USC, UCLA, Arizona…oh for fuck’s sake it’s the PAC-10. Samoans all wind up in the PAC-10).

Then destiny came calling; Idaho decided they were the institution willing to bury their academic standards far beneath the earth like an unwanted barrel of Plutonium-239. Iupati had found new life as a Vandal.

As for his play, this 2009 consensus All-American, Outland Trophy Finalist (he lost to Suh…I mean this is like taking second to a Kenyan in a marathon—could you really expect to do better?), Iupati is a big, strong interior linemen. NFL scouts were impressed by his physicality, and some floated turning him into a tackle. His speed will dictate that likelihood. If a move to tackle does come to fruition, expect no more than right tackle—he might, m i g h t be fast enough for right, but not left. In truth, offensive guard seems to be where he’s best suited. Besides, Wonderlic scores suggest you don’t want to overload this young man with too much of the information stuff. He tested at about half of what the average NFL offensive lineman scores on the Wonderlic (*whisper* he got a 13). Despite stereotypes, O-lines tend to comprise the brightest bulbs of the five dozen or so members of an NFL roster, so you could say the risk of Iupati is that the 'Niners are praying a 40-watter will work as a sun lamp. But hey, in college, the Vandals found success with this. The 'Niners shouldn't push things by making him learn a new position.

Nonetheless, Iupati welcomes any challenge: “I will definitely fit well [with any team, at any position, in any offensive scheme (I have to fill in blanks to complete his thoughts or it’s unintelligible…his nickname should be The Big Lacuna)]. I like double-teaming and it’s very simple…Whatever team picks me, and whatever they want me to play (he better hope it’s football), I will definitely give 110%. I will definitely know that I will be the best at that position.” He will also definitely not use contractions.

The 49^ers come away the winners here. Unlike fellow UI grad, Sen. Larry Craig, Iupati’s wide stance will be a boon to Alex Smith, Frank Gore and whatever schmuck eventually replaces Alex Smith. As San Fran coach Mike Singletary stated to the San Francisco Chronicle, “Teams talk about the value of this, the value of that. Can the guy play? That’s all I want to know.” He can play, coach. He can play. He probably can’t add or write well, but he can play.

To further illuminate the facts to Coach Samurai, last year the Vandals averaged 350 total yards on offense, and one would have to believe that, if given the opportunity, Coach Singletary would jump at the chance to transfer that number to San Fran in 2010 ('Niners averaged 290 yds/game).

Ahhh! But what can I say? Despite it all, Mike Iupati is my draft adoptee. I don’t care what his intelligence is (or isn’t). I want him to succeed. I want his family to recoup for all the sacrifices they made for Mike in order for him to realize his dream. After all, he won’t possess the NFL's lowest Intelligence Quotient ever (see Manley, Dexter). I’ll pull for him with the same enthusiasm that he’ll display pulling for Frank Gore. He’s mine now. I will protect him as such.

For now, I'm just happy he's healthy.