Kyle Wills Predicts the NHL Playoffs, Acknowledges That This Article Will Appear on Facebook

A note from Terrence Adams:


So here's Kyle Wills' NHL Playoff preview.  I know that my baseball previews have been lax.  I know that we're two weeks into the season.  To compensate for the laziness, I will try desperately to knock out an all encompassing two-week-into baseball article that attempts to talk about how the first few weeks of the season are shaping up.  Meanwhile, Kyle Wills would like you to know the following, as sent to me in an email accompanying this document (sic'd):

"i wanted to shoot this to you for victrola cola yesterday because that's when the playoffs started. but then i got called in to meeting after annoying meeting. to keep the integrity of the predictions, i didn't watch any of the games last night, and i didn't look at the scores until i finished the piece today. lo, my predictions took a little hit last night with detroit and san jose losing. nonetheless, figured i'd shoot it to you anyway. i hope the fonts stick, becuase they're all over the place."

No worries Kyle, you're loyalty is duly noted.  And now, here's his 2010 NHL Playoff preview:

NHL Playoffs—Round 1


WESTERN CONFERENCE


1 San Jose Sharks vs. 8 Colorado Avalanche

I, for one, thought the subtraction of Jonathan Cheechoo and Milan Michalek would hurt more than it did. Dany “Speedracer” Heatly apparently is better than those two or something. It also helps to have Mr. Let-me-help-you-with-that Joe Thorton (69 assists), Patrick Marleau (44 G), and Dan Boyle (58 pts). They also have a guy named Devin Setoguchi. He’s not So Taguchi. There’s only one So Taguchi, and that guy is very Taguchi. But Devin’s not bad.

The ‘Lanche (I hate that nickname so much I love it) are young and talented (except for Adam Foote who is OOOLLLDDD). And as happens with young teams, they don’t know they’re not supposed to win. Paul Stastny (age 24), Chris Stewart (22), Matt Duchene (19), and Kyle “Charles” Cumiskey (23) are set to give the Sharks fits. They’re going to punch the Sharks as hard as possible right in the nose. Besides, goalie Craig Anderson is from Chicago suburb Park Ridge—the same town as my stepfather—so I imagine he sits in net saying things like, “Whuh? I jus’ made two, tree saves in row. Come on Torton and Heatly, I’ll stone da bodeeyas.”

Outcome: Oh Danny Boyle, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Avs will make them sweat, but Sharks take it…eventually. (They can’t choke again, right?)



2 Chicago Blackhawks vs. 7 Nashville Predators

Here come the Hawks, the mighty Blaaackhawks. Here come the Hawks. I swear they're coming.

So “Dollar” Bill Wirtz died and a new dawn of Chicago hockey lighted upon the south shores of Lake Mishigami. New owner, Rocky Wirtz is a chip off the old block. However, the old block in this case must be his mother. He makes every decision as though he asks himself, “What would pop do?” Then does the exact opposite.

The team, in the meantime, is young and, strangely, experienced. They reached the Conference Finals last year before Detroilet decided they wanted to be the team to lose to Pittsburgh. Everyone knows Toews, Kane, Keith and Seabrook. Not everyone knows Niklas Hjalmarsson (who has flat out been better than the touted Seabrook since the abortion in Vancouver), Dustin “We could have won gold if I were on team USA” Byfuglien, or Andrew Ladd. (Quick aside. A message for those Chi-towners who have a bug up their asses about Byfuglien’s play, saying he half-asses it during the regular season: First, shut up. Second, go back to the bleachers of Wrigley where bigotry is accepted. Third, he was a fucking animal in the playoffs last year, and I, for one, like wins in the spring much more than wins in late autumn.)

(Another quick aside: how awesome are these announced asides? So far there have been like 10 asides, but only two [including this one] have been announced. Better still, there’s nothing quick about them. But I digress.)

That all said, there is the goaltending situation. Antti Niemi mercifully took over after Cristobal Huet developed an allergy to frozen rubber. But Niemi hasn’t been perfect. He wasn’t part of last year’s playoff run either. In fact, he’s never squatted between the posts in the playoffs at all. Huet, on the other hand, has played in the postseason and has lost every series he’s participated in. That, my friends, is so Huet. (He’s Hueorrible).

Nashville is a dreadful draw for the Hawks, mainly because of style clashes. Hawks like to fly. Preds like to crawl, though it’s not as though Nashville is without weapons. Sweet-skatin’ vet, Steve Sullivan, has had himself a damn fine year and wound up tied for team lead in points with 51 (Sullivan 17G, 34 A; Patric Hornqvist 30G, 21A). Meanwhile, Martin Erat continues to escape the radars of most hockey fans, but make no mistake, he’s the best player on the team. Couple this with steady blueliners Marcel Goc, Ryan Suter, Dan Hamhuis and Shea Weber and you’ve got yourself a team that outpaced the Red Wings until the Olympic break.

Outcome: It’s a fight to the Finnish. Niemi and Pekka Rinne are the Fins with waffle-boards. Barring a dramatic collapse in goal, the Hawks’ deep talent should win the day. I’ll put it this way, pay attention to the Hawks’ fourth line and keep reminding yourself this is the FOURTH line.



3 Vancouver Canucks vs. 6 Los Angeles Kings

Brian Burke must feel silly. In 1999 he drafted Daniel Sedin with the 2nd pick in the first round. He then selected Henrik Sedin with the 3rd pick. Henrik just finished the year leading the NHL with 112 pts. Daniel only had 85. However, both had 29 goals (Can’t they do anything separately?). Still, the egg must be all over GM Burke’s face. Henrik is so much the better Sedin.

Even beyond the twins, Vancouver is pretty deep. Ryan Kesler is good. Mayson Raymond is good (and has great name-potential for a courtroom drama after he retires…I’ll call it “Mayson Raymond, Esquire.” He’ll suddenly develop a drawl and say quirky things that confuse his playing days with his lawyering, like:

Raymond: “I’d like to crosscheck the witness now.”

Judge McGeough: “You mean cross-examine.”

Raymond: (perplexed, with squinched brow) “What did I say?”

I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.)

Sami Salo, Alex Edler, and Christian Ehrhoff (ridiculous +36, if you believe in that stat) make for some solid D with a bit of O to boot.

The Los Angeles Kings are yet another team that qualify as young and dangerous. Anze Kopitar (age 22), Dustin Brown (25), Drew Doughty (20), Jack Johnson (23), and Jonathan Quick (24) serve as the proof. The question is can Michal Handzus and Ryan Smyth counter the unbridled youth with a bit of wily veteran calm. As much as I like these players, I’m just not sure it’ll be enough.

Outcome: I’m so tempted to call for the upset here. But I can’t. The only way the Kings pull this off is if Luongo takes a big Italian meatball dump in his goal jock. His track record doesn’t portend well for L.A. He’s too solid under pressure.



4 Phoenix Coyotes vs. 5 Detroit Red Wings

Who led the Coyotes in scoring this year? Shane Doan? Radim Vrbata? Matt Lombardi?

No. Nope. And no. It was Wojtek Wolski (63 pts). Now to be fair, 47 of those 63 points came with the Colorado Avalanche before he was dealt in March, so he didn’t really lead the team. But he can score. The Red Wings should just be thankful that there aren’t shootouts in the postseason; Vrbata had 8 goals in the extra, extra frame, Lauri Korpikoski had 7; Wolski was a paltry 1 for 15 this year (between Colorado and Phoenix), but last year was 10 for 12.

Nonetheless, the real story here is Ilya Bryzgalov. He was 3rd in wins in the NHL. Of course goalies are important in the playoffs, everybody knows that, but Bryzgalov even more so. The Coyotes don’t have the same fire power as teams like the Capitals, Blackhawks, or Canucks. They can’t make up multiple-goal deficits with the regularity of the aforementioned.

The Red Wings struggled early, suffered injuries, and appeared to be headed toward their first early summer vacation since Kid ‘N Play’s House Party was all the rage. Unfortunately (for the rest of the Western Conference), they got healthy. They also seemed to be about the only team to improve after the Olympic break.

Datsyuk and Zetterberg make this team go. They play hockey like Chinese gymnasts flip—impressively well. And also like Chinese gymnasts, I don’t want them to succeed. The rest are the same fucks who have been around for-seemingly-ever: Holmstrom, Lidstrom, Draper, Franzen, Helm, Kronwall, Gordie Howe. Wait…Howe did retire. Didn’t he?

On top of it all, no matter what asshole they throw in net, he excels. Jimmy Howard (rookie) wins 37 games with a .924sv%. Chris Osgood’s on the bench. Osgood’s played a few important playoff games himself, if you know what I’m saying.

Outcome: The best news of this series is that the Coyotes have home ice; therefore, Dave Tippet gets to set his lines first in 4 of the 7 games while Mike Babcunt will undoubtedly be bitching about something. The bad news is that Phoenix is catching a hot team—Detroit 8-1-1 in their last ten; Phoenix 5-3-2—and I can’t envision their offense keeping up with Detroit’s.



Recap: On to round 2 go San Jose, Chicago, Vancouver and Detroit.



EASTERN CONFERENCE


In the spirit of Carl from Aqua Teen, I give my Eastern Conference review:


Hey sports fans, so apparently they’re going to allow the NHL playoffs to proceed even though those scumbags from Philly had to cheat—yet again—to win against the beloved Blueshirts and take the final spot for the playoffs. Do they actually expect people to root for teams from Jersey or Boston? Please. I’d rather the Giants trade Eli Manning to the Cowboys in return for Mr. Jessica Simpson. And speaking of the Giants, I am 95% certain that I am going to boo whoever they pick in the draft, because I already know I can’t stand that guy…whoever he is…unless it's Cody Manning…in which case I’ll quietly boo until HE FUMBLES HIS FIRST SNAP AND I SUE FOR THE DAMAGES RESULTING FROM MY SUBSEQUENT THROWING OF MY UNOPENED SPARKS THROUGH THE TELEVISION.

So in conclusion, with New York out of it, I’ll just name the teams I hate least: Buffalo, Washington—like Montreal’s better, Ottawa, and New Jersey. You hear that Jersey? I picked you. But listen, this is it! We’re even! We have now officially paid you back for all your first responders on 9-11.

-Kyle Wills