Ben Wills Is A Total Knob And The Reds Season Is Over But The Playoffs Aren't: Second Round MLB Playoff Predictions

Well, the goddamn fucking Reds got goddamn fucking swept, and what more should I have expected?  It was amazing to see how every weak point that the 2010 Reds had showed up all at once during a string of three horrifyingly disappointing and depressing games. 

Our hitting committed suicide, our fielding took a gigantic runny shit all over the field and...well...don't even get me started on Marty Brennaman and Jeff Brantley.  Seriously, don't. 

Don't get me wrong, Ben Wills is not wrong in saying that Roy Halladay's no-hitter was a truly beautiful thing to watch, but that's still not gonna stop me from hoping he gets into a major car accident and is fileted from stem to stern.  Or at least that he gets punched in the face by a professional boxer. 

Ugh.  You know what, though?  It was a fitting way for the Reds to re-enter the playoffs after fifteen years. 

Fuck Jonny Gomes and Orlando Cabrera.  Right in the ear. 

And now, onto this:

YOUR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SECOND ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

NLCS: San Francisco Giants vs. Philadelphia Phillies

First off, let me get this out of the way: FUCK THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.  MAY THEIR ENTIRE FRANCHISE ROT IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. 

Ahem...

Okay, so what we're going to see here in this series is pitching, pitching, pitching.  Lincecum vs. Halladay, Oswalt vs. Cain, Hamels vs. Sanchez...I mean you really can't get much better than that.  I think both of these offenses are going to have to learn how to play sudoku before this series is over. 

If there's a team that has the best chance, however, I think you have to give the edge to the Giants.  Their offense is built for pitchers duels.  They are scrappy and have unexpected power up and down the lineup.  Cody Ross is maybe one of the most underrated players in baseball and Andres Torres maybe one of the best lead off hitters left in the playoffs (fuck you, Jeter).  The Phils have power and Victorino is one of the most frustrating match-ups for any pitcher, but the Giants rotation is full of guys that aren't just 'any pitcher', these are all high calibur hurlers who would be number ones or twos on any rotation in the bigs.  You know what else?  Oswalt looked mighty fallible during his start against the Reds, which should serve as a worrisome sign to Charlie Manuel, as the Giants aren't likely to commit four errors and pretty much gift wrap a Phils win (GODDAMNIT!).  Halladay may win his start, but Oswalt is no guarantee at home and Hamels pitching away in San Francisco is a crapshoot.  That ballpark they got out there is a voodoo worshippers dream.  Balls careen left and right off the outfield walls and infield is notoriously fast.  I wouldn't be surprised to see Chase Utley sobbing in the fetal position at the end of their first game there. 

Regardless, yeah these are both really good teams that deserve to be where they are, but I think that the Giants are looked at as the 'scrappy underdog' so much so that analysts seem to be forgetting that they have a roster full of veterans, aces and all around all-star level talent.  They'll take this series.

Giants in 6


ALCS: New York Yankees vs. Texas Rangers

Dear Minnesota Twins,

Why on earth do you even try to get to playoffs if you're going to play like third graders every time you get there?  You had chances to win each and every game of that sweep and instead decided that you didn't deserve it and let each and every game slip through your fingers.  You're more disappointing than the Reds because you actually BEAT the good teams all year.  You are a sad franchise and your new stadium does nothing to change that fact. 

Love,

Terrence

Now, I hate the Yankees more than any other franchise in baseball.  I hate that they have the luxury to pay players whatever they want, I hate that they hold this above every other team's ability to build a solid roster through free agency, I hate that they have a grooming code and I hate that they think their storied history is some kind of benchmark for them being obnoxious and entitled.  Their fans are a bunch of fuckwads and their new stadium is actually worse than the decades old one they tore down.  They also fucked the city of New York out of millions.  I hate this team, I hate each and every player (outside of Curtis Granderson, who is a good guy) and I hate Joe Girardi's braces. 

That being said, this is going to be a good match-up against the Rangers.  Texas managed to do to the Rays offense what teams had been doing to the Rays all season, just straight up out pitch them.  Cliff Lee dominated, C.J. Wilson dominated more and Colby Lewis held his own.  When you add Tommy Hunter to that mix, this Texas team is primed to keep these Bronx Brombers off the bases. 

Now, of course the Yankees rotation is no joke either, but each one of them outside of CC Sabathia has been questionable down the stretch, with A.J. Burnett being the worst offender.  If Hughes, Pettitte or Burnett have a melt down, that means that the Yanks are gonna have to rely on their terrible bullpen, which is oh so terrible.  Rivera can't pitch three innings for three games in a row, Joe Girardi.  He just can't. 

Oh yeah, and the hitting.  These teams are good at that too, but the Rangers' lineup looked damn near unstoppable versus the Rays.  I expect that trend to continue. 

Rangers in 7

I was 2-2 in the first round.  I expect to be 2-0 in this one. 

onward.

- Terrence Adams