Technical Difficulties

I applaud the NBA. I seldom applaud the NBA, but today, I applaud them. Literally: I’m clapping with one hand and typing with the other.

The NBA has echoed Howard Beale: “[They’re] mad as hell, and [they’re] not going to take this anymore.”

The zero-tolerance backtalk policy, the rule change causing much ado in the preseason, happened because it had to. As of 2003, by my count, no NBA player was—according to the guilty party—actually guilty of committing any rules infractions. Ever.

How dare the refs blow the whistle on anyone?

Think about this: Kevin Garnett was recently ejected from a preseason game for arguing a foul call. Now, I want you to go view the infamous Allen Iverson “practice video” and simply exchange every utterance of practice with preseason. It’s PRESEASON and some jag-bags are arguing. In fact, the NBA Players Union is planning to file a grievance.

The UMWA fought for safety protections (for decades mining reigned supreme as the most dangerous job in the U.S.) and living wages (living in its strictest sense). Mother Jones led the Children’s Crusade* so seven year olds didn’t spend twelve-hour days in textile mills. Cesar Chavez and his UFW grape pickers struck for the discontinuation of toxic pesticides that were toxic to…you guessed it…grape pickers. Billy Hunter, executive director of the NBAPA, is filing a grievance because his players can’t complain or gesticulate displeasure with quite the demonstrative panache they’re used to.

Start smelting the bronze, we’re gonna need a statue.

Basketball is by far the most subjectively officiated game on the planet. (Don’t even start with the baseball strike zone argument. For one, there’s only one HP umpire per game. The pitchers/batters have to adjust to one strike zone. Ask any manager, player, or fan for that matter, and the general consensus will be as long as it’s the same strike zone for everybody… Besides, the no-arguing-balls-and-strikes rule has been in place for a while now, and you know what? It works. There’s haggling around the dish from time to time and plentiful harangues from the dugout, but the game moves forward.) In the NBA, fouls differ according to where the players are standing on the court. Twenty-three feet from the basket, hand-checks are frequently whistled. Four feet from the basket, second degree manslaughter is ignored.

Likewise, after a quarter or two of letting the players play, referees frequently make mid-game decisions to tighten up the game. And of course, at the end of a game—unless you’re Hue Hollins—only bulldogs and piledrivers are prohibited.

Still worse, rookies are not given the same protections as vets under NBA rules. It’s one of the many unwritten rules, but it’s true. Superstar vets can get slapped with up to 5 fouls, then they suddenly don an invisibility cloak for the remainder of the game. Meanwhile, non-superstars have to abide by the 6 strikes you’re out policy.

I pity NBA refs. I really do. I’ve always felt that the only way the games can be fair is to either give Draco a crack at the rule book, or give the game over to streetball rules. It’s one of those rare cases wherein seeking moderation makes something worse. It’s call everything, or call nothing. A fair game of basketball will be one refereed to the outer edges of the rule spectrum.

Actually…possibly…maybe…there is a third option.

Don’t change a thing. Keep the rules as they’ve been. See to it that a charge for LeBron is a blocking foul against Reggie Evans. Make sure a clean steal for Rip Hamilton is a reach against Luther Head. Guarantee that a punch to Brad Miller’s face is only a two-shot foul and not a flagrant against Rondo. But come clean. Own up to what you’ve been. Own up to what you are. Change the league name to the NBSEA, the National Basketball Sports Entertainment Association. Hand out belts instead of trophies. Script the histrionics so the fans know who to root for (Oh wait, ESPN instructs the world on this on a nightly basis). But just own up to it. Admit that the game exists to aid (and abet) the chosen few and to propitiate the highlight-reel seekers.

But for now, I’m just glad I won’t have to watch pouty-faced bitching for 48 minutes a night.

NBA, I’m giving you a “T”. But this “T” is for Thank You.
/slow clap

*Not to be confused with the ill-fated attempts by Christian children of France and Germany to take Jerusalem back for team Jesus.

-Kyle Wills