The NFL Sucks This Year, So Lets Talk About My Favorite Holiday Movies

Did anyone catch that Arizona Cardinals/San Francisco 49ers Monday night game?  What a shit show.  It was bad enough that everyone in the booth spent the majority of the broadcast sherkin' their jerkins over next Monday night's Jets/Patriots matchup but when you add in the depressing reality of how far the Cardinals franchise has fallen since their Super Bowl run it made watching the proceedings tantamount to witnessing someone etch their name into a wooden beam prior to hanging themselves. 

This has been the resounding feeling for me throughout this NFL season.  My team -- the Bengals -- are back to being a franchise that can't even lose in an interesting fashion, the Patriots are back to their "flys fucking" offensive schemes, Chris Johnson is legitimately human, Michael Vick can't even make the Eagles worth watching...I mean the list goes on.  The only team that's at all worth rooting for is the Atlanta Falcons, because Matt Ryan is the next Peyton Manning and Roddy White is maybe the most underrated playmaker in the league.  Plus they have cool uniforms. 

Also, can I just quickly say that my fantasy football team is a goddamn nightmare?  I'd like to personally thank Vernon Davis, Brandon Marshall, Zach Miller, Wes Welker and the Arizona Cardinals defense (bye week pick-up and subsequent drop) for roshambo-ing me into a fifth place spot and an almost definite first round playoff ousting.  I'd also like to personally tell Ben Wills to eat a dick for picking up Peyton Hillis.  You son of a bitch and your bullshit luck. 

Anyways, in an effort to take my mind off of this borefest I've decided -- in the name of the holiday season -- to rank my five favorite holiday movies of all time.  There's no real order to this, just five movies that I enjoy watching whenever this time of year rolls around.

THE BEST GODDAMN HOLIDAY MOVIES EVER 

5. HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

When I was a kid going through puberty there were two movies that gave me my first crushes.  One was Batman Returns with Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.  She wore skin-tight patent leather for an hour and a half and purred a lot, I was mesmerized.  The other was Home For The Holidays with Holly Hunter.  It was those legs!  Holy moly!  And the fact that she was super pretty and down to earth and cursed and stuff!  Anyways, I loved this movie for her down to earth hotness. 

In recent viewings,however, I've come to love everything else about this movie (except for Dylan McDermott, because fuck that pretty boy).  First of all, you've got Anne Bancroft just straight up owning the screen.  Second of all, you've got a quite obviously HOPPED UP Robert Downey Jr. acting circles around everyone without ever really trying.  You have to wonder how fucked up he was during the shooting of this movie.  I've read stories, but you know it was probably way worse than what people are letting on.  Third of all, Downey's character was a gay man who had just gotten married and his parents accepted him and were only angry that he refused to let them to close to his personal life.  You also had a single mom story line that at times had very dark overtones.  The only drawback to this movie is the bullshit copout romantic comedy ending that kind of cheapens the whole thing.  Dylan McDermott didn't need to be there at all and only served as eye candy for all the female viewers. 

There's some priceless one liners and over all this movie makes you both miss your family and loathe them at the same time.  Annual watching is expected and deserved. 

4. HOME ALONE

First of all, can you believe that this movie was made into a Nintendo game?  I totally forgot about that.  I remember renting it maybe one time and having the worst time ever.  I always hated the fact that Nintendo pretty much just started putting out complete dogshit in its later years.  For every RC Pro-Am there was a Battletoads, and that should never be forgotten. 

However, as far as the Home Alone movie is concerned, if you don't at least feel the need to watch it every year then you're not really human and were never a child with fantasies about being the ultimate hero.  I gotta be honest, I still laugh when Joe Pesci gets shot in the nuts with that bb gun.  Totally worth it every time.  I could honestly do without the overt Christian overtones, but whatever, it kinda works considering that there's so much violence in the movie.  Also, you can't go wrong with a movie starring any SCTV alumi, especially when one of those alums is John Candy.

3. THE REF

 

Before Bad Santa there was The Ref.  This was made back when Denis Leary wasn't so concerned with being taken seriously as a dramatic actor.  Also, this was before Kevin Spacey was doing the things that made him Kevin Spacey.  It's a film full of curse words and hilarious interplay between the main characters.  Also, it doesn't copout at the end like Home For The Holidays did.  These characters change, but only at gunpoint.  Watching this makes me miss the days when Denis Leary was purely known as a rant comic.  His talents overflow in this movie and I always seem to catch a new joke every time I watch it.  My favorite line?  When Leary is talking to Spacey's evil bitch of a mother, he has this quip about her dead husband, "Your husband ain't dead, lady.  He's hidin'."  I've been waiting my whole life to use that line without being punched in the face.   

2. NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION 

Here lies the comedic career of Chevy Chase.  Holy shit did he ever go downhill from this movie.  Whether it be Vegas Vacation or Snow Day, Chevy Chase's last hurrah as a comedic actor was always going to be this movie.  The timing is amazing, the adult themes are very adult and that fucking house lighting shit is amazing.  It's disheartening that the National Lampoon's franchise hasn't made a film of this kind of quality in so long.  I mean, really?  We really have to sit through Van Wilder?  That shit is the same reason Mad Magazine lost its luster.  Comedy films lost the ability to be both intelligent and nasty at the same time.  Ugh.  Anyways, this is a Christmas staple for me and deserves a top five spot.  

1. DIE HARD

  

Die Hard is not only the best Christmas movie ever made, but it's also the best action movie ever made.  Period.  I could watch this movie and only this movie for the rest of my life and I'd be entertained until my last breath.  John McClain is an iconic figure in American cinema.  Alan Rickman is the best villain ever and...well...Yippee Kay Yay Mother Fucker!  

So there you go, a holiday movie list.  It's better than whatever the hell is going on in the NFC West, right?  Right.  

Let me also say that college basketball is shaping up to be very, very competitive this year, especially in the Big Ten.  

Let me also also also say that Cam Newton is a goddamn bitch.  I hope Oregon wipes the floor with Auburn.  I also hope that Ohio State makes the Sugar Bowl.  

I also hope that all of you fine folks have a nice holiday season.  

Onward.  

-Terrence

Burnt Hands and Cold Feet, Part 2

Okay, so I'll let you in on how I'm choosing the writing order of the divisions. I wrote all six divisions down, put them in a box, shook the box, and let my cat, Todd, dive into the box and whatever division he comes out with is the one I write about. The only reason I bring this up is because it has created a major problem in that he is attacking me every time I get near anything resembling a box. So, to a feline, a laptop is similar enough to warrant a high alert reaction. As I am typing this, I have cuts on my wrists, bite marks one both hands, feet, and ankles, and am living in fear every moment. I have created a monster. My dog on the other hand, is barking at everything that passes across our back door. Seeing that it is autumn, and the leaves are being blown by the wind, I am finding it hard to achieve any semblance of peace and/or quiet. Where am I going with this? Fair question. Nowhere. Just a reminder that it is fall, which means Hot Stove action. Oh, and never give a cat executive privileges.

Today I drop it like it's hot on....the AL Central!!!

Chicago White Sox

I feel the need to always be up front and let you know that this is my team. I have been a White Sox fan since birth, and I am proud of it. So if it seems as if this is a more lengthy or in-depth analysis of the Sox (and these are the real Sox); it is.

This is the first offseason of the Kenny Williams era that Sox fans have absolutely no idea what Kenny is going to do. Usually, Kenny does something that is totally unexpected, but he tends to go into the offseason with some sort of plan and just happens to change it last minute. This year, no one can honestly say they know what Kenny Williams is going to do. Hell, it seems as if Kenny Williams doesn't know what Kenny Williams is going to do.

This team is teetering dangerously between a legit contender and in need of a "rebuild". Kenny has always maintained his desire to try to contend every single year, but this year there is more emphasis on such a declaration. Kenny cannot waiver this year. He can go young if he wants, and Sox fans will, at least for the most part, understand and get behind a young core of players that include Gordan Beckham, John Danks, Dayan Viciedo, and Chris Sale. But, if he decides this team is to contend in 2011, then he must go all in. There can be no in-between moves that keeps the White Sox solid for this year, next year, and the year after that. Chicago fans understand an 85 win team and lightening in a bottle won't make you consistent division favorites now or in the years to come. So, the biggest decision of this offseason for the White Sox is simple...what direction do we go?

If Kenny decides to go young, there won't be a lot of drama. A.J Pierzynski...he gone. Paul Konerko...he gone. Bobby Jenks...well...he was gone at about midseason last year.

But if Kenny decides to go for broke, and try to make a splash; well then, all Hell could break loose.

I firmly believe that Kenny Williams is going to take a long, hard look at Adam Dunn. Dunn represents the answer to the one glaring hole on the White Sox roster last year...left-handed power in the middle of the order.

The problem is that Dunn is already leery of signing on the South Side in part because he already knows the letters D and H would be attached to his name quite often. So, the real chances of Kenny landing his "big fish" via free agency goes out the window (assuming they have zero chance of signing Carl Crawford). So, then, Kenny does what he does best, which is wheel and deal.

About 2 weeks before Jake Peavy's muscle ripped from bone and Peavy's season was ended I had the feeling that Gavin Floyd was not long for a White Sox uniform. And to be honest, my feelings haven't wavered one bit on this subject. The fact that the Chi-Sox are trying to extend John Danks leads me to believe that are looking to shore up some young pitching to make some other young (or fairly young) and affordable pitching expendable. Enter Gavin Floyd. In 2009, Floyd signed a 4 year, $15 million extention, with a club option for 2013. This means affordable pitching under team control, and this is something a lot of teams are willing to part with bats for.

A Floyd based package for Prince Fielder or Adrian Gonzalez is not at all out of the question. But it's not just Floyd I expect to be a part of these deals, it's also Carlos Quentin. The Sox have to make a decision about whether Quentin replicate his 2008 MVP type performace, or if they should deal him while the coals are still hot. One of Williams' best traits is that he always seems to know when to pull the trigger on a player at the right time. And here, I can very easily see Kenny parting with Quentin in order to get a big return.

Also, don't count out something happening with any of the trio in Los Angeles. Kenny Williams has long been linked to Matt Kemp, James Loney, and Andre Either. It would not be a surprise to see Kenny maybe package Floyd, Quentin, and a prospect to land Matt Kemp, who has begun to wear out his welcome with the Dodgers. A fat chance in Hell? Yes. But it does kind of make sense.

One other name to watch via Chi-Sox trades: Colby Rasmus. Not sure exactly what St. Louis would want (Quentin would look fantastic hitting behind Albert Pujols), but the rumors have been swirling.

The White Sox would surely love to land the likes of Victor Martinez, and Adrian Beltre actually would fit the need of both a bat and glove desperately needed at the hot corner, but both figure to be out of Chicago's price range. The Sox seem to be posturing themselves for a run at Adam Dunn, and if that fails, well then let the bargain hunting begin. Adam Laroche would almost surely be targeted. Aubrey Huff, Lyle Overday, and Carlos Peña would all fit the bill as cheaper than Dunn left handed bats that could be plugged into the middle of the order. Johnny Damon is another possibility, but I just don't see the need of having another outfielder on the roster who doesn't have a lot of power and can't throw a lick (see: Juan Pierre). The only outfield left-handed option I could honestly foresee is Brad Hawpe, but that all depends on whether he is going to want an incentive based deal, which Williams would be more likely to suggest, or get paid upfront.

The only thing that is for sure, or at least close to it, is that Bobby Jenks is gone, and Rafeal Soriano is the main target. The Sox could let Matt Thornton become the starter, and try to fill his spot with someone along the lines of a Jason Frasor or Matt Guerrier.

Like I said earlier, Williams could go absolutely any direction this offseason and it would be hard to say one didn't see it coming.All anyone does know is that it is going to be a circus on the south side of Chicago this winter.

Cleveland Indians

Talk about an organizational mess. I haven't seen a mess this bad since I saw Taylor Swift's face in one of those Proactiv commercials.

Two of their best players can't stay healthy (Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore), they have the only closer in the Majors who when scouts say "He's lucky if he can keep it in the park," they are talking about the location of his fastball, their "best" prospect, Matt LaPorta, suddenly morphed into Michael Brantley, and their best player, Shin Soo Choo needs to win gold at the Asian Games just so his "gun" from right field is his arm and not a firearm the Korean military gave him.

Cleveland is not at all enjoying this rebuilding process, especially since they've watched former aces CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee make World Series appearances in back to back World Series. There is no sign of this team getting any better this offseason, but they could, and should be bold in some of their moves.

The Indians need bullpen pitching worse than Robin Williams needs a wax. Their bullpen was inconsistent and misses far too few bats to warrant the number of times they miss the strike zone. Big names won't find themselves on the Indians radar, but Mike MacDougal and John Rauch would give the Indians some relief as well as cost them nothing in terms of giving up picks.

Where Cleveland could get real creative is in their starting rotation. Fausto Carmona and Justin Masteson are two very good arms at the top of the rotation. If Cleveland throws in a name or two like Brandon Webb, Chris Young, Jarrod Washburn, or Vincente Padilla, then the rotation will at least be competitive. But a guy I see making a lot of sense would be someone like Aaron Harang. He most likely will be made available by the Reds (club option), and he is a guy who at one time was a top 20 pitcher in the NL. It might be worth a look to see if he has anything left in the tank.

As far as position players, expect them to only sign guys who are seeking opportunities to show they still have a lot left. Eric Chavez could be a real option here. Cleveland needs a 3rd baseman and Chavez was at one time one of the better 3rd basemen in the league. Chavez has recently showed a real interest in making a return to the field full time, and somewhere like Cleveland gives him a real opportunity.

Besides that, expect it to be very quiet in Cleveland this winter...that is until LeBron comes back into town.

Detroit Tigers

The Tigers are probably the most frustrating team in this division. On paper, they always seem as if they should be a front-runner for the division, or at least be in the race until the last day. The problem is, that's on paper. In 2009 when the Tigers were in the race until the final day, but they went ahead and blew a significant division lead and lost the division to the Twins in the end. Detroit is the consummate underachievers of the AL Central.

The problem with the organization is I find that Dave Dombrowski seems to want to make a big splash every offseason, but he sacrifices filling several of the teams holes in place of the 1 big piece. The Tigers have been rumored to be heavy after Adam Dunn, and while the addition of Dunn would surely give the Tigers the best 3-4 combo in the AL with Miguel Cabrera, the Tigers really don't need a big bat with a less than desired glove.

Where would they play Dunn? Would they platoon him at 1B and DH with Miguel Cabrera? Would they actually put him in that spacious outfield at Comerica Park? These questions are important, and all the further evidence that they should focus on the other big bats available this offseason, such as Victor Martinez, Carl Crawford, Jason Werth, and Adrian Beltre.

In my opinion, Crawford would make the biggest impact for Detroit, giving them a 5-tool player out in left field that could hit 2nd in the batting order behind Austin Jackson or hit 3rd in front of Miguel Cabrera. The intriguing thing about bringing either Martinez, Werth, and Beltre is that they would finally give Cabrera some real protection in the order. Dombrowski will have to figure out what is most important to this offense, and then how to supplement the rest of his needs in the line-up with mid leve free agents.

The Tigers' real challenge will be trying to fortify a pitching staff that has been marred by injury and inconsistency. They came to terms with Joaquin Benoit yesterday, which is a major move because Joel Zumaya has been one arm injury after the next. Benoit gives the Tigers a much needed arm in the back end of the bullpen, but I wouldn't be so content just to stop there if I was Detroit's GM. Adding someone else like Aaron Heilman or Mike MacDougal might go a long way to help ensure that this bullpen stays effective.

The starting staff, on the other hand, is the model of "looks good on paper" failures. Their rotation seems to have quality arms throughout, with Verlander being the clear cut ace of the staff, but the issue is that they can't seem to get enough consistency from guys like Armando Galarraga and Rick Porcello. Trying to bring in an innings eater like John Garland, who knows the benefits of pitching in a large ballpark, could prove beneficial and provide insurance if Porcello or Galarraga don't cut it in 2011.

I don't expect any major moves to their rotation for 2011, which would be a mistake, but as we have seen from the Tigers over the last few years, they are accustomed to making big moves turn into big mistakes. I don't see this winter being much different.

Kansas City Royals

A perennial basement dweller in the AL Central, the Royals are seeing no light at the end of the tunnel this offseason. They made a strong move to acquire Vin Mazzaro and Justing Marks from Oakland, but they got rid of quite possibly their best all around position player in David DeJesus in the deal. And to make matters worse, they are listening to offers for Zach Greinke, so any chance of competing in the next few years is becoming seemingly more fiction than fact.

Gil Meche has been a disappointment for the Royals, and they have made some moves to go younger in their rotation, trying to replicate the success of the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays. They don't have the pieces that the Rays had in 2008, but they are at least trying to make their small payroll work to the best of its abilities.

As far as any major moves, it will be more export than import. The Royals are sellers every year, and this offseason could be their most crippling clearance sale to date. Whether or not Kansas City gets anyone to give the return they want for Greinke is yet to be seen, but regardless of what the get back, it will still be a tough pill to swallow to get rid of the face of that franchise.

The Royals will merely be in the market for guys who simply couldn't sign anywhere else and could help benefit the development of the young players on the roster. They could be a landing spot for someone like Brandon Webb or Aaron Harang or any other arms that are looking to resurrect careers for a bargain price, but even the likelyhood of that seems minute for Kansas City.

It's kind of sad that George Brett is still the biggest star in the park any time he shows up to a Royals game. Kansas City will do nothing to change this perception this winter. They just better hope that this winter brings enough cold to freeze Hell. Then, and only then, will they have a chance in 2011.

Minnesota Twins

Does it even matter what moves this team makes anymore. Every time they lose a player to injury or free agency, there is another player in the organization just waiting to step in and produce. The Twins are the best model of what an organization truly is. And being a White Sox fan, this is annoyingly impressive.

Last year the Twins landed themselves a bargain gem with Jim Thome, and they are hoping to retain his services even though, while the sentiment is mutual, the price so far has not been. The one thing the Twins weren't lacking last year was left handed power. With Thome, Kubel, Mauer (I will count doubles power as power), and before he got knocked out for the season with a concussion, Justin Morneau. And with guys like Michael Cuddyer, Delmon Young, and Danny Valencia, this team's offense is no need of an immediate makeover. The starting rotation, well, that's another story.

Francisco Liriano established himself as a legitimate ace who has fully recovered from his Tommy John surgery a few years ago, so depth might be more important than big names, but Minnesota could find themselves going after some of the biggern name pitchers on the market anyway. You can pretty much count the Twins out of the Cliff Lee sweepstakes, but Jorge De La Rosa should be someone they at least test the market on. If he signs elsewhere, then pitchers like Brad Penny and Kevin Millwood have some real attraction. The key, though, to the Twins staff, is retaining Carl Pavano. Since Pavano became a Twin, he's been both consistent and a horse, pitching 221 innings last year. If they can retain Pavano, add another quality arm, and keep everyone healthy, Minnesota would become a real AL World Series contender.

The key to the Twins offseason is more patchwork than big fish. If Thome and Orlando Hudson, both free agents, cut ties with the Twins, expect the Twins to make moves on someone like Jason Werth. And if Werth proves to be too pricey, then Vlad Guerrero or Magglio Ordonez could be adequately priced bats to plug in the line-up.

With Matt Guerrier and John Rauch both free agents, and Joe Nathan's timetable for a return still uncertain, they Twins will have to keep tabs on their pen to make sure it doesn't get decimated this offseason. They would most likely prefer to retain Rauch and Guerrier, but if they defect, then Minnesota's target could be J.J. Putz. Not only would it give them more insurance by bringing in another possible closer, and a great 8th inning arm at the least, it would also hurt their AL Central rival, the Chicago White Sox.

Whatever the Minnesota Twins decide to do this offseason, one would be smart to put money down that things will work out well in Minnesota. If they happen to make any big splashes, then you might as well punch their ticket to the ALCS, where they will promptly get swept by the New York Yankees.

-Ben Wills

Burnt Hands and Cold Feet: Hot Stove Talk as I Look at Each Division in Baseball and Their Offseason Potential

Baseball is the best sport in the world because its offseason if often as riveting, if not more, as the actual season. The NFL's offseason is a lot of guys past their prime looking for 2nd chances, the NHL has 34 year old players getting 14 year deals, and the NBA is more or less guys changing teams just because they like the prospects of their jersey sales in that city. But Major League Baseball has by far the most exciting and meaningful downtime. So over the course of the next few days, I will be taking a look into each of the MLB's 6 divisions, and looking at what each team should do over the next 3 months.

First up....the AL West!!!!

Los Angeles Angels:

This team has enjoyed dominance over this division, taking the top spot 5 of the last 7 years. 2010 was a strange year for Los Angeles as they were riddled with injuries and inconsistent play, but it will mostly be known for how they postured themselves very well for 2011 by acquiring Dan Haren from the Arizona Diamondbacks. It was a bold move for a team that was as far out of the race as L.A. was at the time, but it was smart. L.A. gave themselves a top line pitcher who is under team control through 2013 to go along with Jered Weaver, Joel Pinero, Ervin Santana, and Scott Kazmir to form a pretty formidable starting 5 rotation.

So L.A. will most likely look to add a bat such as Carl Crawford or Adrian Beltre. It seems as though L.A. has finally given up hope that Brandon Wood will ever amount to what they once thought he would be, and Beltre would be able to not only give them some pop in the middle of the order, but Beltre is also a slick fielder over at the hot corner. Crawford would be the even bigger fish providing the Angels with several different lineup options with just his bat alone. Both will be pricey, but L.A. has money to spend and an owner who won't shy away from spending money if he thinks it will be well spent.

The Angels must also use some of their available money on bullpen arms. Los Angeles, who once had one of the most dominant bullpens in the game with Francisco Rodriguez and Scott Shields, saw a much more ineffective and frustrating performance from it's bullpen last year. The Angels coverted only 39 of 56 save opportunities last year, and traded their closer Brian Fuentes to Minnesota towards years end. Rafael Soriano, Kevin Gregg, and Kerry Wood are all obvious options, but look for L.A. to possibly get creative and find a cheaper option such as J.J. Putz or Joaquin Benoit to become their new 9th inning man, or they could stay in house and give the job to Fernando Rodney. But they would be doing themselves a disservice if they didn't add depth beyond just a closer. Matt Guerrier, John Rauch, and Chan Ho Park are just a few of the pitchers that would make sense in L.A.

The bottom line is the Angels want to climb back atop the AL West. The good thing for them is this is their best chance to do so in just one offseason.

Oakland A's

This team already is my pick to be the surprise contender in the AL next year. With young arms like Gio Gonzalez, Dallas Braden, Trevor Cahill, Brett Anderson, and Justin Duchscherer in their rotation, it smells a lot like the days of Zito, Hudson, and Mulder in Oakland. And the A's bullpen is pretty solid as well, so I don't see much reason for them to address pitching, unless it's to add depth in the pen. But while they have an abundance of pitching, they produce the power of a 3rd world country. They were 2nd to last in home runs last year with 109, only to see their division mates the Mariners produce fewer long balls in the AL.

The A's are going to be very active in obtaining some sticks this offseason, and I am standing firm in my opinion thatOakland is the darkhorse to land Adam Dunn, and I feel they will land him. I don't know why, but Dunn to Oakland just makes a lot of sense. The Athletics lack power of any sort, except for Jack Cust, and they for some reason have soured on Cust over the past 2 years. Oakland might be willing to hide Dunn somewhere in the outfield, but Dunn most likely would be a significant upgrade over Daric Barton who has yet to show any kind of legit big league power.

If the A's swing and miss on Dunn (cruel joke), some back up options would likely be Brad Hawpe, Nick Johnson, Troy Glaus, and Lance Berkman, with whom they've already been linked to in recent days.

If the A's pull the right strings during this offseason via trades (like the dandy they just made for outfielder David DeJesus) and free agency, they very well could be the early favorite to be the Major's surprise team of 2011.

Seattle Mariners

I would say they took offense back to the 1930's in 2010, since they managed only 101 home runs, but the problem is that they also struck out the 2nd most times in the AL, only to be outdone by the swing happy Tampa Bay Rays. This was not an all-or-nothing offense, but rather just a nothing offense.

Seattle's 2010 season was horrific. They were many people's pick to win the AL West, a group in which I'm included, only to fall Evel Knievel-esque short of expectations. The additions of Chone Figgins and Milton Bradley fell flat, and although they added Justin Smoak to their lineup mid-season, they had to give up Cliff Lee to do so.

The Mariners have a lot of issues they need to clean up, so I'll start with the obvious ones. They need bats. They need bats that can make contact. One of the more disturbing stat lines is that Russell Branyan had 25 home runs last year...and only 57 RBI's!!!! That's a lot of solo trips around the base paths.

They could use a 3rd baseman, but I don't see Adrain Beltre coming back any time soon, and I don't see Seattle ponying up the money to brind a guy like that in. Instead, I see Seattle looking at maybe a Pedro Feliz or a Jorge Cantu. Both would be much more inexpensive than a Beltre type and could potentially provide a pretty decent upside.

Another option for a low risk-high reward signing could come if they entertain a player such as Andruw Jones. Jones would bring little to the table in terms of consisten contact, but he did show very acceptable power and can still drive in runs, something the Mariners need badly.

Don't be too surprised if Seattle doesn't also entertain the idea of guys such as Hank Blalock, Hideki Matsui, Vlad Guerrero, and Jason Giambi.

Seattle wouldn't mind grabbing some arms for both their rotation and their bullpen. They won't land any big names like Cliff Lee or Rafael Soriano, but it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to see them pick up names like Kevin Millwood, John Garland, or Rich Harden, and again they could go the cheap low risk-high reward route with someone like a Brandon Webb or Chris Young. The likes of Kelvin Escobar, Mike MacDougal, Will Ohman, Arthur Rhodes, and Octavio Dotel could be viable options to solidify their bullpen.

The Mariners most likely won't succeed in a worst to first renovation this offseason, but it would be nice to see the franchise put some pieces around Felix Hernandez and Ichiro to make their efforts more meaningful over the next couple of years.

P.S. We will all miss Dave Niehaus. Another of the games great voices.

Texas Rangers

Coming off a World Series runner up season, the Texas Rangers should appear as if they are comfortable with their teams position heading into the offseason. Problem is, they are going to have to outbid the Yankees to maintain the services of Cliff Lee. It's not as if losing Lee would be the end of the world, but it certainly would leave a glaring hole at the top of their rotation.

The simplest answer is that the Rangers play off their World Series trip, new ownership, headed by pitching ledgend Nolan Ryan, the promise that Ranger fans will never spit on his wife and call her names, and land Lee for somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 years $115 million. But there is a realistic chance that the Yankees will go above and beyond that offer, and Lee will have to decide if dignity or money is more his thing.

If Lee opts for money, then the Rangers would most likely look in the direction of Jorge De La Rosa to front the rotation with C.J. Wilson and Colby Lewis. De La Rosa would be a significant downgrade from Lee, but with De La Rosa in the rotation, Texas would bolster a strong, solid rotation to go along with their fantastic offense. Alternatives to Lee and De La Rosa would be John Garland, who being a fly ball pitcher might have some problems at the Ballpark in Arlington, Brad Penny, or they could take chances on the likes of a Jeff Francis or a Brandon Webb.

They very well could look to make a move via the trade route. Putting together a package to go after Zack Greinke would be very tough, but would make a lot of sense for Texas.

As far as offense, this team doesn't need much more. They have possibly the best middle of the order in baseball with Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz, and Michael Young, but they would like to retain the services of Vlad Guerrero. If Vlad takes a contract elsewhere, the Rangers could make a play for someone like Magglio Ordonez, or Johnny Damon. And don't think that they wouldn't at least entertain possibly bringing in Jim Thome to help bolster their power production.

Their have been rumors that Texas may look to bring in a power hitting first baseman, such as Paul Konerko, but I have a hard time seeing them discard Mitch Moreland after the way he played in the postseason. But if they do decide to go with someone besides Moreland at first, or decide to let go of Guerrero and bring in someone to platoon with Moreland in a 1B/DH situation, I would be more confident in the Rangers bringing in players along the lines of Derrek Lee, or Lance Berkman, who could be signed for significantly lower than Konerko and still have the potential to give similar numbers.

The Texas Rangers will be looking to duplicate what they did this year and get back to the World Series, but they will not be able to stand pat and receive the same results.

The AL West should provide some interesting maneuvering in the next few month. Bust out the Will Smith albums, cause it's gonna be the wild wild west this winter.

-Ben Wills

Kevin Garnett is an A**hole

Okay, I looked into it. Calling someone an asshole isn't considered insensitive. No one's ever died from being an asshole. Well, Saddam Hussein, but that's a slightly more complicated case. So yeah, I'm going to say it. Kevin Garnett...you, sir, are a real, mean-muggy, bitchy, never committed a foul, double-double scoring ASSHOLE.

And honestly, I felt this way even before you went and called Charlie Villanueva a "cancer patient". And yes, we all saw the "that's not what I said" phony press release coming. That's just typical PR stuff. Let's be honest, you've had a history of being a trash talker who runs his mouth way too much (remember how you were injured in the 2009 1st round series against the Bulls, and you waited until your Celtics finally had game 7 in the bag safely, then started talking shit from the end of the bench. True class.) You're the poster child for why the league had to pass a rule to keep kids from coming to the NBA straight out of high school. The older you've gotten, then less maturity you've displayed. You're a classless individual that plays a sport, and more importantly plays in a league, that protects and glorifies classless individuals, so that's probably why you're going to get away with calling Charlie Villanueva a "cancer patient".

No one in their right mind really believes Charlie Villanueva "misheard" you saying "you're a cancer to your team and our league" for "Hey, you look like a cancer patient", or "You're a cancer patient". I'm not stupid, and I Charlie Villanueva isn't stupid enough not to understand the difference between the implication of what he heard and what you're telling him he heard. It's insensitive any way you shape it up. You know how many people are diagnosed with cancer, let alone those who die from it, and your just going to throw that word around as if it means nothing to you? Hell, I had cancer. Albeit a minor form of skin cancer which was benign, but that still doesn't take back the 60 plus stitches I had in my back for 2 weeks. That shit hurt.

But what has really been sad is the aftermath of this incident...nothing. People are actually coming to your defense. ESPN (which was predictable) has had your back throughout the whole thing, because you're part of their "brand" and they won't dare bash anything that represents that brand. They keep refering to what you "supposedly" or "may or may not have" said. Someone farts in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, and Ed Werder has unnamed sources telling him what that person ate and what it smelled like, but now all of the sudden they don't know which way is up and who said what. Seems convenient.

But even worse than that was that Doc Rivers is saying that Charlie Villanueva broke "an unwritten rule" and shouldn't have went public with what you said on the floor.

Wait, what? This is baffling to me. Let me pose this scenario and see if Doc Rivers still thinks this rule applies. Paul Pierce drives the lane against the Los Angeles Clippers, and Chris Kaman comes over and swats Pierce's layup 10 rows deep into an empty Staples Center. Kaman turns to Pierce and yells, "Get that weak shit out of here, (N-Bomb)!" Is Doc Rivers still saying that what is said on the floor should stay on the floor? I doubt it. And it shouldn't stay on the court if it crosses the line of insensitivity and becomes too personal. And what you said KG, and yes you said it, so stop trying, was grossly insensitive and far too personal to a lot of people. But it wasn't insensitve to just cancer patients and cancer survivors and all those who have passed away from cancer, but to Charlie Villanueva. He has overcome a disease that I'm sure has tested his self confidence and is something I would bet he has been ridiculed for ever since he began to lose all the hair on his head. And through it all, he's persevered with more class than you have or ever will have.

So Doc, and ESPN, and you KG, and everyone trying to make this seem like it's not a big deal, I have a different take (thanks Jim Rome). Instead of pointing fingers about unwritten rules and players keeping what is said on the court (for some reason I feel I must stress this again, but that logic for this incident is so dumb), maybe they should just not say anything at all. Maybe they should worry about playing. Worry more about who should rotate down to the low-post on the helpside than who has can call someone's mother a whore after a meaningless 15 footer in the last 2 minutes of a 20 point blowout.

This league has become, as Kyle Wills recently wrote, a form of entertainment, and hardly a sport. Let's try to get back to it being a sport.

So at the end of the day, when this gets swept under the rug, I will still be here, holding firm to my opinion that Kevin Garnett is and always will be a true asshole.

-Ben Wills

Who's Worth $400 Million And Likes The Feeling Of A Bat On Their Shoulder? Also, World Series Predictions!

The answer to the above question is...Ryan Howard and Alex Rodriguez!  Ha!  That's right!  The two highest paid douchebags on both the Phillies and the Yankees couldn't swing at 3-2 pitches to save their seasons!  What a bunch of losers. 

Seriously though, Ryan Howard, how do you not swing at that pitch?  Especially when you haven't been getting that call ALL SERIES?  Yeesh, way to be, Ry-Ry, way to fuckin' be.  Of course, it didn't help that the rest of your supposedly vaunted offense was hitting like a bunch of little leaguers.  That being said, at least your team competed in every game, which is something the Yankees couldn't quite grasp.  Along with A-Rod and Teixera the Yankees posted a sparkling .201 team batting average to go along with a combined 6.58 pitching staff ERA.  In case you were wondering, those are not good numbers, especially when the Rangers posted a .304 batting average and a 2.76 ERA to match them.  They just straight up got outplayed in every aspect.

The Giants and Phils, on the other hand, were very evenly matched, with the absence of the Philadelphia offense the only real difference maker outside of a gentleman I'll bring up in a bit.  The pitching was, as expected, amazing on both sides, with Jonathan Sanchez being the only exception.  The only man the Phillies pitching staff didn't have an answer for was...drum roll please...CODY ROSS!! I totally called that shit and I want recognition for it.  He earned every bit of that NLCS MVP trophy and was the main x-factor in the Giants making it to the World Series.

So, yeah, Rangers vs. Giants, the World Series that baseball fans wanted to see.  I would have shot myself if the Yankees and Phillies would have faced off again.  Just unwatchable dreck.  Now we get two hungry up and comers who are looking to win their first titles in franchise history.  Howabout that?

On to the prediction...

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Texas Rangers vs. San Francisco Giants

Did you know that one man has already won a World Series ring this year?  That man?  Bengie Molina.  Since he was traded to the Rangers from the Giants in the middle of the season, he will recieve a ring from whichever team takes the taco in the end.  What a lucky bastard.

The rest of these guys, however, will have to work for it.

The Texas Rangers will have the upper hand entering the the series based solely upon the fact that they have the much more potent offense.  They can, at any time, create runs up and down the lineup.  This is where the Giants having home field advantage comes into play, because at the very least they'll have four games where they can remove Vlad Guerrero from the DH spot and limit him to pinch hitting responsibilities.  Of course, you still have to face Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young and Bengie Molina, so good luck taking a gasp of relief.  The Giants are gonna have a lot of trouble keeping up on the scoreboard, considering the strength of the Rangers' pitching staff, which was led not by Cliff Lee in the ALCS, but by Colby Lewis, who pitched an absolute gem in game 6.  You'll also be seeing C.J. Lewis and Tommy Hunter, who at times made the mighty Yankees look meek and may make the Giants at times anemic offense look downright childish. 

However.

If there's a lesson that should have been learned by now, it's that you would be insane to count out these Giants in these playoffs.  They've been underdogs from the beginning and have somehow managed to pull out victory after victory by the skin of their teeth, winning 6 of 7 games this postseason by one run.  Their starting pitching has been the main reason behind their success, keeping them hanging around until somebody steps up into the hero role.  So far, that hero has been Cody Ross, but if anybody else finds their bat in the World Series, we could have ourselves a quality matchup. 

As far as predictions go, I hate having to make one.  Both of these teams deserve to be here and they both got here by plowing through teams that I hate.  In the end, however, good pitching always, always, always beats good hitting, and the Giants have a pitching staff that rivals no one in these playoffs.  On top of that, the Giants just faced the second best pitching staff in the playoffs in their last series.  They're on a roll, and they know how to scratch out runs in tough conditions.  I hate to see either team lose, but someone has gotta win. 

Giants in 7

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

Technical Difficulties

I applaud the NBA. I seldom applaud the NBA, but today, I applaud them. Literally: I’m clapping with one hand and typing with the other.

The NBA has echoed Howard Beale: “[They’re] mad as hell, and [they’re] not going to take this anymore.”

The zero-tolerance backtalk policy, the rule change causing much ado in the preseason, happened because it had to. As of 2003, by my count, no NBA player was—according to the guilty party—actually guilty of committing any rules infractions. Ever.

How dare the refs blow the whistle on anyone?

Think about this: Kevin Garnett was recently ejected from a preseason game for arguing a foul call. Now, I want you to go view the infamous Allen Iverson “practice video” and simply exchange every utterance of practice with preseason. It’s PRESEASON and some jag-bags are arguing. In fact, the NBA Players Union is planning to file a grievance.

The UMWA fought for safety protections (for decades mining reigned supreme as the most dangerous job in the U.S.) and living wages (living in its strictest sense). Mother Jones led the Children’s Crusade* so seven year olds didn’t spend twelve-hour days in textile mills. Cesar Chavez and his UFW grape pickers struck for the discontinuation of toxic pesticides that were toxic to…you guessed it…grape pickers. Billy Hunter, executive director of the NBAPA, is filing a grievance because his players can’t complain or gesticulate displeasure with quite the demonstrative panache they’re used to.

Start smelting the bronze, we’re gonna need a statue.

Basketball is by far the most subjectively officiated game on the planet. (Don’t even start with the baseball strike zone argument. For one, there’s only one HP umpire per game. The pitchers/batters have to adjust to one strike zone. Ask any manager, player, or fan for that matter, and the general consensus will be as long as it’s the same strike zone for everybody… Besides, the no-arguing-balls-and-strikes rule has been in place for a while now, and you know what? It works. There’s haggling around the dish from time to time and plentiful harangues from the dugout, but the game moves forward.) In the NBA, fouls differ according to where the players are standing on the court. Twenty-three feet from the basket, hand-checks are frequently whistled. Four feet from the basket, second degree manslaughter is ignored.

Likewise, after a quarter or two of letting the players play, referees frequently make mid-game decisions to tighten up the game. And of course, at the end of a game—unless you’re Hue Hollins—only bulldogs and piledrivers are prohibited.

Still worse, rookies are not given the same protections as vets under NBA rules. It’s one of the many unwritten rules, but it’s true. Superstar vets can get slapped with up to 5 fouls, then they suddenly don an invisibility cloak for the remainder of the game. Meanwhile, non-superstars have to abide by the 6 strikes you’re out policy.

I pity NBA refs. I really do. I’ve always felt that the only way the games can be fair is to either give Draco a crack at the rule book, or give the game over to streetball rules. It’s one of those rare cases wherein seeking moderation makes something worse. It’s call everything, or call nothing. A fair game of basketball will be one refereed to the outer edges of the rule spectrum.

Actually…possibly…maybe…there is a third option.

Don’t change a thing. Keep the rules as they’ve been. See to it that a charge for LeBron is a blocking foul against Reggie Evans. Make sure a clean steal for Rip Hamilton is a reach against Luther Head. Guarantee that a punch to Brad Miller’s face is only a two-shot foul and not a flagrant against Rondo. But come clean. Own up to what you’ve been. Own up to what you are. Change the league name to the NBSEA, the National Basketball Sports Entertainment Association. Hand out belts instead of trophies. Script the histrionics so the fans know who to root for (Oh wait, ESPN instructs the world on this on a nightly basis). But just own up to it. Admit that the game exists to aid (and abet) the chosen few and to propitiate the highlight-reel seekers.

But for now, I’m just glad I won’t have to watch pouty-faced bitching for 48 minutes a night.

NBA, I’m giving you a “T”. But this “T” is for Thank You.
/slow clap

*Not to be confused with the ill-fated attempts by Christian children of France and Germany to take Jerusalem back for team Jesus.

-Kyle Wills

Ben Wills Is A Total Knob And The Reds Season Is Over But The Playoffs Aren't: Second Round MLB Playoff Predictions

Well, the goddamn fucking Reds got goddamn fucking swept, and what more should I have expected?  It was amazing to see how every weak point that the 2010 Reds had showed up all at once during a string of three horrifyingly disappointing and depressing games. 

Our hitting committed suicide, our fielding took a gigantic runny shit all over the field and...well...don't even get me started on Marty Brennaman and Jeff Brantley.  Seriously, don't. 

Don't get me wrong, Ben Wills is not wrong in saying that Roy Halladay's no-hitter was a truly beautiful thing to watch, but that's still not gonna stop me from hoping he gets into a major car accident and is fileted from stem to stern.  Or at least that he gets punched in the face by a professional boxer. 

Ugh.  You know what, though?  It was a fitting way for the Reds to re-enter the playoffs after fifteen years. 

Fuck Jonny Gomes and Orlando Cabrera.  Right in the ear. 

And now, onto this:

YOUR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SECOND ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

NLCS: San Francisco Giants vs. Philadelphia Phillies

First off, let me get this out of the way: FUCK THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.  MAY THEIR ENTIRE FRANCHISE ROT IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. 

Ahem...

Okay, so what we're going to see here in this series is pitching, pitching, pitching.  Lincecum vs. Halladay, Oswalt vs. Cain, Hamels vs. Sanchez...I mean you really can't get much better than that.  I think both of these offenses are going to have to learn how to play sudoku before this series is over. 

If there's a team that has the best chance, however, I think you have to give the edge to the Giants.  Their offense is built for pitchers duels.  They are scrappy and have unexpected power up and down the lineup.  Cody Ross is maybe one of the most underrated players in baseball and Andres Torres maybe one of the best lead off hitters left in the playoffs (fuck you, Jeter).  The Phils have power and Victorino is one of the most frustrating match-ups for any pitcher, but the Giants rotation is full of guys that aren't just 'any pitcher', these are all high calibur hurlers who would be number ones or twos on any rotation in the bigs.  You know what else?  Oswalt looked mighty fallible during his start against the Reds, which should serve as a worrisome sign to Charlie Manuel, as the Giants aren't likely to commit four errors and pretty much gift wrap a Phils win (GODDAMNIT!).  Halladay may win his start, but Oswalt is no guarantee at home and Hamels pitching away in San Francisco is a crapshoot.  That ballpark they got out there is a voodoo worshippers dream.  Balls careen left and right off the outfield walls and infield is notoriously fast.  I wouldn't be surprised to see Chase Utley sobbing in the fetal position at the end of their first game there. 

Regardless, yeah these are both really good teams that deserve to be where they are, but I think that the Giants are looked at as the 'scrappy underdog' so much so that analysts seem to be forgetting that they have a roster full of veterans, aces and all around all-star level talent.  They'll take this series.

Giants in 6


ALCS: New York Yankees vs. Texas Rangers

Dear Minnesota Twins,

Why on earth do you even try to get to playoffs if you're going to play like third graders every time you get there?  You had chances to win each and every game of that sweep and instead decided that you didn't deserve it and let each and every game slip through your fingers.  You're more disappointing than the Reds because you actually BEAT the good teams all year.  You are a sad franchise and your new stadium does nothing to change that fact. 

Love,

Terrence

Now, I hate the Yankees more than any other franchise in baseball.  I hate that they have the luxury to pay players whatever they want, I hate that they hold this above every other team's ability to build a solid roster through free agency, I hate that they have a grooming code and I hate that they think their storied history is some kind of benchmark for them being obnoxious and entitled.  Their fans are a bunch of fuckwads and their new stadium is actually worse than the decades old one they tore down.  They also fucked the city of New York out of millions.  I hate this team, I hate each and every player (outside of Curtis Granderson, who is a good guy) and I hate Joe Girardi's braces. 

That being said, this is going to be a good match-up against the Rangers.  Texas managed to do to the Rays offense what teams had been doing to the Rays all season, just straight up out pitch them.  Cliff Lee dominated, C.J. Wilson dominated more and Colby Lewis held his own.  When you add Tommy Hunter to that mix, this Texas team is primed to keep these Bronx Brombers off the bases. 

Now, of course the Yankees rotation is no joke either, but each one of them outside of CC Sabathia has been questionable down the stretch, with A.J. Burnett being the worst offender.  If Hughes, Pettitte or Burnett have a melt down, that means that the Yanks are gonna have to rely on their terrible bullpen, which is oh so terrible.  Rivera can't pitch three innings for three games in a row, Joe Girardi.  He just can't. 

Oh yeah, and the hitting.  These teams are good at that too, but the Rangers' lineup looked damn near unstoppable versus the Rays.  I expect that trend to continue. 

Rangers in 7

I was 2-2 in the first round.  I expect to be 2-0 in this one. 

onward.

- Terrence Adams

Throwing the Reds a Curveball: The Best Pitching Performance I Have Ever Seen

This post is undoubtedly going to piss Terry off. It potentially could initially make him vow never to talk to me again, because to be quite frank, it's kinda shitty to throw this in his face less than 24 hours later. But all in all, Terry should actually be happy about what I have to say. It should make him feel a lot better about rooting for the only team in the playoffs that is still hitless. What I have to say is...Roy Halladay's performance last night was the greatest pitching performance I have ever seen in my life.

Now, let me state this clearly. It was the best piece of pitching I've ever seen. Was it the best "stuff" I've ever seen? Not really. Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez have put in performances which I was lucky enough to view in which their "stuff" was impossible to surpass, and even (and I hate to say this, truly I do) Kerry Wood's 20 strikeout performance exhibited pure "stuff" that was breathtaking and left me awestruck. But what Roy Halladay did last night was pitching, PITCHING, at it's apex.

Don't get me wrong, Halladay's "stuff" was nothing to scoff at. In fact, he had exceptional stuff last night. His sinker was driving downward hard in the last 15 to 10 feet, he had precise command of his curveball, his change-up looked identical to his fastball out of his hand, and his fastball, both 4 seam and his cutter, were thrown with pinpoint control, and at 91-94 mph thrown with enough velocity to slip past the Reds hitter's bats. But, his stuff wasn't over the top unhittable. Instead, what made him so unhittable was how he took all 4 (5 if we are counting the 4 seam and cutting his fastball as 2 different pitches) and pieced them together. It was the beauty of turning pitching from science to art. Showing that it's not what "stuff" you have, but rather how you use it.

I watched all 104 pitches Halladay threw, and while there is nothing scientific here and I'm doing this off the top of my head, I can remember Halladay making roughly about 6 or 7 "bad" pitches. Meaning, after watching where the catcher set up then seeing what pitch was thrown, Halladay only missed the intended location on about a handful of pitches. Even his 1 walk, which was the only thing standing between a no-hitter and a perfect game, was a thing of beauty. The entire at-bat Halladay was attempting to get the free swinging and oft missing Jay Bruce to chase pitches out of the zone, and he almost suceeded. The count worked to 3-2 and Bruce was able to lay off a cutter down and in, but the entire at bat Halladay seemed in control, even getting Bruce to flinch slightly at the last pitch. As a former pitcher and a pitching aficionado, I relished in what I was watching.

This was the type of masterful work that should be studied. I think any kid age 18 and under should sit down and watch the tape of Halladay's night and study pitching. To use an English comparison, a book like "No Country For Old Men" is great for it's raw nature and unabashed, in-your-face style, much like a pitcher with a great fastball slider combo, whereas Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" is more delicately crafted, each sentence having a seemingly significant meaning, everything with a purpose all leading towards the climax, much like Halladay's gem. Both lead to greatness, but crafty is more consistently amazing than gut-wrenching brutality. The explosive fastball-slider combo can be there on rare given nights, but what Halladay did was take the stuff he has almost every single night, and craft a gem for the ages.

At one point, around the 4th inning, I thought to myself, "He's working hard in, and soft away." And he was pounding his fastball in on hitters hands and working his off-speed pitches away, keeping hitters off balance. But no sooner did I say that, Halladay flipped the switch, a plot twist of sorts (cheesy, I know), and began pounding his sinker down, occasionally mixing in off-speed stuff to keep the Reds off balance, and only working hard up in the zone to put guys away. He changed how he was pitching in the middle of the game, and was still effective in every aspect of his game. He switched from getting hitters to think East-West (in-out), to getting them to focus North-South (up-down). It was unfair to be honest. And just when that pattern became clear, Halladay began to work backward, throwing off-speed stuff early to get hitters on their toes and out front. Then, by about the 8th, he had the Reds so off balance that, not to sound to cocky, I knew a no hitter was almost inevitable. He had everything working with perfect command, perfect timing, with perfect anticipation, and perfect imagination.

My old baseball coach in college(that prick) never understood that pitching was an art, not a science. Now I have the tape to show him exactly what I meant. Halladay constructed one of the most beautiful pitching performaces possibly in basebally history, and definitely in my lifetime.

So, Terry, as hard as it is to swallow (and you swallow a lot), look at it this way; your team got beat by the greatest pitching performance of my lifetime, and possibly ever. And they're still down just 1-0 in the series.

But they still don't have a hit.

-Ben Wills

The Cincinnati Reds: A Season in Review...Round One Playoff Predictions

The Cincinnati Reds are National League Central Division champions.  It has been fifteen long years since those words could leave the mouths of fans in the Queen City.  Fifteen years.  The last time the Reds made the playoffs I, your humble author, was 13 years old.  You know what it was like being 13?  I hope so because I sure as shit don't.  I can barely remember what the 1995 team was like to watch.  I remember that Barry Larkin was a beast and that Ronny Gant had a career year.  I also remember that I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, so take from that what you wish. 

Anyways, yeah, fifteen years.  What a long road it has been.  From Pokey Reese to Eric Milton to Ken Griffey Jr. to Scott Hatteberg, the Reds have, at times, been absolutely brutal to watch.  I for one had sworn them off more than once over the last ten years.  Not this year.  This year was different from the word 'go'.  With the addition of Aroldis Chapman to the departure of Willy Taveras, I knew that something was brewing.  Our young players, our future, began showing their mettle.  They made this team fun to follow again.  Joey Votto (who goddamn well better win the NL MVP) had more than a breakout season.  He became a superstar in front of our eyes.  Drew Stubbs and Jay Bruce, who both struggled during the month of July, worked through adversity and provided an offensive and defensive push in August that guaranteed our victory in the central.  Our pitching was rickety at times, but our starting rotation was solid and Bronson Arroyo had himself a career year on a team full of guys having career years.  Even Jonny Gomes got in on the fun, even though watching his feast or famine swing made me cringe more often than not. 

Let me be brutally honest for a moment.  This summer has not been the easiest for me personally.  I have been on an emotional rollercoaster pretty much throughout.  It's been hard and I've been taxed because of it.  The Reds have kept me afloat more often than I care to admit.  Watching them has taken me out of my own head and given me something real and true to believe in.  They reminded me over and over again why the sport of baseball with its strange intricacies and poetic stoicism is far and away the most literary, most important and most beautiful sport there is.  For nine innings (or more) you are locked inside a world so rife with history and you are enthralled.  You pray for clutch hitting.  You love the dugout pranks.  You hate bad calls and boo strikes and balls.  You watch your favorite hitter step up to the plate and feel like a kid again, waiting for your hero to save your team from certain defeat.  This has been what it's like to be a Reds fan this year.  They have taken their entire fanbase and made them feel young again, made them care about something that may seem so arbitrary to anyone who doesn't understand its long standing and vital place within American history.

I am going to be an absolute mess on Wednesday when the Reds take the field, but no matter the result I will be thankful that this team, these 2010 Cincinnati Reds, have made me believe and hope and wish like a child again.  That's the true championship they have won, that's the true gift they have given all of us.

And now....

YOUR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL DIVISIONAL ROUND PREDICTIONS

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES VS. CINCINNATI REDS

Look, my love for the Reds is going to overshadow any prediction I could make for this series, so I will refuse to make one.  What I'll do instead is analyze!

The Phillies are in no uncertain terms the best team in the NL if not the entire league.  Their offense is absolutely brutal.  Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth, Shane "Double Flap" Victorino, Placido Polanco, Carlos Ruiz...I mean Jesus Jumped Up Christ there are zero weaknesses.  No lead is safe, no deficit insurmountable.  If your'e going to pitch against them, you have got to bring your best or else you're going to be staring down the barrel of a blowout.  Especially considering the fact that they have three ace pitchers in their rotation.  Halladay is the Cy Young front-runner, Cole Hamels has had a resurgent second half and Roy Oswalt has re-discovered the fact that he's actually a good pitcher when there are people behind him that can play defense (fuck you Astros!).  They are tough, they have an amazing amount of playoff experience and they are the lock down favorite to win this series.

So why are the Reds even showing up?  Well, they can produce some runs too, and they've beaten Halladay once this year (albeit at home).  They've also beaten Roy Oswalt twice, and neither loss was because of the Astros defense, but more because the Reds' offense had finally managed to figure out how to hit his pitching.  Also, don't forget that though they are 2-5 against them this season, three of those losses came down to the last out and neither team was completely healthy.  When last the Reds faced the Phillies (a four game sweep in Philly) they were without Edinson Volquez (game one starter), Scott Rolen, Ramon Hernandez and both Drew Stubbs and Jay Bruce were in the midst of what was arguably the worst hitting slumps of their young careers.  Oh, and Aroldis Chapman was still figuring things out in Louisville.  This playoff roster will be much different.

That being said, the Phillies were not healthy then either.  They were without Utley, Polanco and Carlos Ruiz.  They will not be without them this time around.

The most one can hope for is a good, competitive series.  I predict that regardless of who wins, it will go five games.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS VS. ATLANTA BRAVES

I feel sorry for the Atlanta Braves.  I really do.  They have to travel to San Francisco and face the best starting rotation in the National League (sorry Phillies).  The Giants pitching in the months of September (1.44 era, 0.82 whip) has been absolutely lights out.  Tim Lincecum finally remembered how to pitch like a two time Cy Young winner, Matt Cain finally got some run support and the combined trio of Barry Zito, Jonathan Sanchez and rookie Madison Bumgarner, along with relievers Ramon Ramirez and Brian Welson (48 saves), helped the Giants overtake the San Diego Padres and win the NL West division. 

Oh, and they have a good offense too.  Aubrey Huff is in the midst of a career year and rookie catcher Buster Posey is playing like a ten year veteran behind the dish.  If anyone is going to make it to the NLCS with ease, it's these Giants. 

The Braves, on the other hand, have some issues.  Their offense has sputtered of late and though the addition of Derrek Lee has helped, they still seem to have trouble pushing runs across the plate consistently.  Their pitching staff is hittable and their relievers, especially Billy Wagner, have been so-so.  I know the feel good prediction here would be to give it to Bobby Cox's team.  But fuck Bobby Cox, he's a wife beater. 

Giants in 4

NEW YORK YANKEES VS. MINNESOTA TWINS

Jesus Christ, the Yankees again?  At least they didn't win their division.  There has never been a team yours truly has hated with so much vitriol outside of the St. Louis Cardinals (how's my ass taste, Cards fans!).  Their lineup has been bought, their manager has fucking BRACES and their fanbase is abhorrent.  Fuck the Yankees. 

What's that?  They're playing the Twins?  Holy moly.  Talk about a lesser of two evils scenario.  Look, the Twins have the better pitching staff and the better relievers.  The Yankees have one lock down starter and really shitty middle relief.  That should be enough to take down the mighty Yanks, who haven't looked all that mighty in September.  Plus, come on, if you're gonna give me the option of rooting for Jim Thome or Alex Rodriguez it's a no brainer. 

Twins in 5

TEXAS RANGERS VS. TAMPA BAY RAYS

There is no reason the Rays shouldn't sweep this series.  On paper they have the better pitching staff and better all around offense.  On paper.  In reality, though their pitching is legit, their hitting at times has been putrid.  It seems like every American League pitcher who has come close to or achieved a no-hitter or perfect game has done so against the Rays.  Carlos Pena has zero patience at the plate, B.J. Upton falls victim to insane slumps and defensive lapses and Evan Longoria has had a decidedly down year all around.  The only guy who has been better than average has been Carl Crawford.  Though I suppose we're talking about a team that has quite a bit of playoff experience and one would think that they can turn things around in October. 

Well, they could turn things around, if they weren't playing the Texas Rangers.  Josh Hamilton, Vlad Guerrero, Michael Young, Ian Kinsler....I mean this team can flat out hit.  They will take the Rays starters to task at every at bat and have the ability to chase a guy like David Price after five innings.  Not to mention the fact that they have maybe the best pitcher in baseball in Cliff Lee leading off their starting rotation.  They are tough, hungry and ready.  I don't think the Rays really know what they're walking into. 

Rangers in 5

Stay tuned....

Onward.

-Terrence Adams

It's Mike Iupati and I'll Cry If I Want To

Mike Iupati reported to Santa Clara a week ago for ‘Niners rookie camp. I can't believe he's all grown up.

When we last left Mikey, scouts were praising his moai-like stature and some were even wondering about his potential move to tackle. Speed and quickness (in both its mental and physical applications) were the questions. It seems like Iupati answered the speed part of the question in Singletary’s “nutcracker drill.” Coach was pleased. Iupati impressed.

Iupati also took a step toward a starting role as left guard David Baas suffered a concussion, meaning he’ll be getting all the reps with the first team for at least a little while—more time to continue to impress.

For now, it seems that Iupati has jumped ahead of Benny’s draft baby, Anthony Davis (http://victrolacola.blogspot.com/2010/04/big-whiffah.html), on the depth charts.

More on his performance as camp wears on. But for now, my concern is not with Iupati the football player, but with the young man on his own for the first time. What is he to do in his new Santa Clara surroundings? Well, I have a letter for my young Samoan draftee.

Dear Mikey,

It turns out Santa Clara is the sister city of Izumo, Japan. For that reason, maybe you could go to Santa Clara's Kobe Japanese Restaurant and try the koroke. And no, silly, the restaurant has nothing to do with the Lakers and the food has nothing to do with singing James Taylor songs in front of Asian businessman.

Santa Clara is in the heart of Silicon Valley which should help keep you humble as your $320,000/year deal is servants pay in these parts (see McAfee, Intel, Namco Bandai, Sun Microsystems, Silicon Valley). So these are some things you can do without breaking the bank:

*See an Earthquakes game. Yeah, they carry the “San Jose” moniker, but they play in Santa Clara.

*Contact your local Audobon Society chapter and go on a burrowing owl sightseeing trip.

*Head out to the Almaden Quicksilver County Park. And no, there is no Almaden team. That’s something different. But you can learn about the mercury mining past and gaze at the interesting flora, but watch out for poison-oak. It may be pretty, but it’s itchy.

Most of all, have fun and eat your vegetables.

-Kyle Wills

TEXT WARS VOLUME TWO: BEN TAKES THE LONG WAY AROUND AND ENDS UP LOSING ANYWAYS

The following is part of an ongoing feature that involves text messages sent between Victrola Cola contributors Ben Wills and Terrence Adams, who live in separate cities and can't insult each other face to face. 

(out of the blue)

Ben: Terry, you've been traded to the Orioles for Brady Anderson, Ben McDonald, Glenn Davis, a snack pack, a Joy Division vinyl record, a Maxi pad, the 1960's Colts, a BLT sandwich, 3 Men and a Baby (the movie) and 4 weddings and a funeral (not the movie).

(no response to this, but the battle picked up the next day when Terrence learned that Ben had to have socks put on his hands when he came down with chicken pox at 2 years of age.)

Terrence: You should really put socks on your hands so you don't scratch yourself

Ben: You should really grow a penis so you have an excuse to scratch yourself.

Terrence: Jerk store called, they're runnin' outta YOU.

Ben: Oh yeah, well the wimp store called and you're on back order! FACE!

(This was followed by a highly intelligent (seriously) discourse concerning the Reds not making any moves at the trade deadline and whether or not Jake Westbrook going to the Cardinals would be a game changer in the NL Central. And Then...)

Ben: Don't take this in a gay way, but we would make a great tag team.

Terrence: BUSHWHACKERS!

Ben: Minus the bush (at least on my part).

Terrence: Landing strip whackers!

That's all for round 2.  I think, in retrostpect, that Ben probably won this, but only because of that first text, which I laughed out loud at in front of a girl.  Stupid girls. 

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

The Cincinnati Reds Are Hellbent On Hurting My Feelings

This is apropos of nothing, I just like the name Bip Roberts

We are now ten games into the second half of the Reds' season and because of some glitch in the matrix they are a mere half game behind the first place St. Louis Cardinals in the NL Central.

Some might say that they are holding on by the hairs on Jonny Gomes' chinny chin chin, and they would be exactly right.  Let's run down a short list of things that need to happen in order for the Reds to make the playoffs:


1. Edinson Volquez must return to form

In the two starts since returning from his year long recovery from multiple shoulder surgeries, Volquez has shown that it might be a bit of a slog before he becomes a consistently productive starter once again.  Against the Rockies, he was untouchable, going six innings and giving up one run on three hits.  Against the Nationals (!), however, he went two and a third, giving up six earned runs while only getting 38 of his 76 pitches through the strike zone.  It's easy right now to pass off that second start as Edinson shaking off the rust of being out of the game for so long, but if we're going to have any shot at either overtaking the Cardinals or winning the Wild Card, we absolutely need him to, more than anything, be consistently serviceable.  He needs to find his control and not get frustrated.  The Reds have a pretty soft schedule the rest of the way, which means he'll be facing some fairly weak opponents over the next two months.  If he struggles mightily against the likes of the Pirates and Astros, we might be in some deep, deep trouble.


2. Scott Rolen needs to get healthy

Joey Votto is hands down our best player, but Scott Rolen is this team's heart.  He is the leader everyone looks to in the clubhouse and the veteran who anchors the infield.  It was inevitable that he would fall victim to the injury bug, but the tenuous look the Reds have when he's out of the lineup is worrisome.  They not only need him in the dugout, they need him on the field and at the plate.  Though Miguel Cairo has been a wonderful surprise thus far in Rolen's stead, he is not Rolen.  Hopefully his hamstring issue will be short lived and he can get back out on the field for the stretch run.


3. Something's gotta give with the bullpen

Right now our bullpen is relying heavily on a batch of young and unproven arms.  Logan Ondrusek has been extremely steady since being recalled from AAA and Jordan Smith has definitely been a reliable arm in recent weeks, but it's hard to say how these guys will react as the pressure of a pennant race builds.  It stands to reason that either Russ Springer or Jason Isringhausen will fill a void before the season's end.  Both are veterans with loads of post season and big game experience and both have seemingly no ceiling for their performance.  Springer has been solid thus far in Louisville and may get called up as early as mid-August.  Isringhausen, on the other hand, hasn't pitched regularly in over a year and is coming off of Tommy John surgery, so it's a pretty hazy forecast for him until he starts facing live hitting and shows us what kind of stuff he still has.  There's still a possibility that the Reds will add a bullpen arm through a deadline trade, but the market is fairly barren at this point and they may be content to just go with what they have.  That being said...


4.  It is in the Reds' best interest to pick up a right handed hitter via trade

The Reds have been shutout 12 times this season.  For those of you playing at home, that's the most of any team in the majors.  The majority of those shutouts were 1-0 heartbreakers.  This team, for all of its offensive prowess, at times has an extremely hard time putting runs on the board.  Some of this has to do with guys like Scott Rolen and Ramon Hernandez being out, but more than that it has to do with the sporadic hitting of everyone else in the lineup.  Jay Bruce, Drew Stubbs, Jonny Gomes and Brandon Phillips embody the very definition of 'streaky'.  They need one more bat to go along with Rolen and Votto to steady things out.  I for one would love to see Ty Wigginton on this team, but no matter who it is, he has to be a consistent hitter and capable of playing more than one defensive position.  We have plenty of prospects to dangle in front of teams, it's imperative that we use them.

5.  Beat the Cardinals

Cincinnati has six more games against the Cardinals.  Three at home and three in St. Louis.  They must either win or split this series.  There is no room for error, especially considering the favorable schedule the Reds have down the stretch.



The most important part of this, of course, is for the fans to enjoy the ride.  It's been a long time since our Redlegs have been competitive and they currently stand to finish above .500 for the first time in ten years.  That alone should be cause for celebration.  The World Series would just be icing on the cake.

Onward.

- Terrence Adams

TEXT WARS VOLUME ONE: BEN WILLS VS. TERRENCE ADAMS

Myself and Ben Wills do not live in the same state.  This has not stopped us from waging a text war against one another that is filled with utter sports-related vitriol.  This is the first installment in what will surely be a long running series entitled...well...just look above, doofus. 

The following exchange occurred on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010.  It is offensive, so if you don't like offensive things, cover your eyes.  Onto the good times:

(Out of the blue)

Ben: I'll trade you my Sid Bream and Tom Pagnozzi for your Kelly Gruber and Bob Walk.

Terrence: Throw in your Anthony Peeler Lakers jersey and it's a deal.

Ben: I was considering a Loy Vaught or Mark Eaton signed picture.

Terrence: fag.

Ben: Don't be so hard on yourself.

Terrence: I'm trying not to be but this picture of Terry Pendleton's balls I'm looking at is getting me all worked up.

Ben: He strikes me as the type that would have good, wholesome, quality pubes.

Terrence: Like looking at a well groomed persian cat.

(After watching Randy Winn hit a homerun against the Phillies)

Terrence: Do me a favor and drive down to St. Louis and put a bat through Randy Winn's kneecap.

Ben: Or I could go have some drinks with their pitching staff.

Terrence: Ryan Franklin loves body shots.

Terrence: He really loves doing them off of La Russa's ass crack.

And there you have it, Text Wars Volume One.  More soon. 

Earmuffs.

Onward. 

- Terrence Adams