The Day After The All-Star Game, Where Sports Go To Die

I like granola.  I eat granola every day.  Different kinds, sure, I'm not that bland, but granola nonetheless.  Matter of fact, I'm eating granola right NOW!  Isn't that exciting?

You're shaking your head at me.  You don't think this is exciting.  Well, shit man, what exactly do you want me to say?  It's the day after the MLB All-Star game and there are, for the only time all year, zero sports happening.  No baseball, no football, no hockey, no soccer, no basketball, no college baseball, no college football, no tennis, no...whatever they call Australian football.  None.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada.  It's like the movie Dune out there in the sports world today, which is to say, it sucks. 

Last night's game was good, though, right?  The National League finally pulled out of their 14 year slump and beat the American League 3-1 with the help of Scott Rolen (first to third, bitches!) and Brian McCann.  That was nifty.  It was also nifty that the National League didn't use Arthur Rhodes, which made me, a Reds fan, happy.  Saves his arm for the stretch run, if there is one (oh, please let there be one). 

But today?  No, today we get Full House re-runs and reality television.  Today we get ESPN Classic and MLB Network showing old All-Star games.  Today we get nothing but a bag of stale potato chips.  It's sad.  Hurtful even.  My fandom is all dressed up with nowhere to go. 

So what else can you do today?  Well, let's run down a list, shall we?

1. WATCH THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY

You know you haven't watched it in a while, and you KNOW you want to.  You even want to watch the old western third one with Mary Steenburgen.  Admit it, you thought she was hot.  I know I did.  Especially in Parenthood, which I suppose you could watch too.  Meeee-oowwww.

2. READ A DAMN BOOK, YOU ILLITERATE PUNK

There's this thing on your shelf, it has pages and letters n' shit.  It's called a book.  Pick it up and read it.  Use your imagination (or, if you're a Guns N' Roses fan, Use Your Illusion).  It's been lying dormant long enough, it's time to let it out of its cage.  Get your Levar Burton on. 

3. WRITE A SONG

If you're single, write a love song for the one that got away.  Call it "Love Blows" or something classy like that.  Record it and burn it to a CD.  In fact, burn two CDs.  Send one to a record company (Columbia, they'll totally listen to it) and send the other one to your lost love.  He or she won't think that it's creepy at all, unless you talk about sneaking up on them in the bushes and dragging them to a weird sex cave or something like that, which I'm sure you wouldn't even think about doing, because you're an upstanding citizen. 

4.  CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU FILTHY HEATHEN

If you're like me, you can go literally months without making too many alterations to your living conditions.  I mean, like, sure, I clean my room, but it's in fits and starts.  Well, now you have a full day and evening to make that shit spotless.  I mean spit shine spotless.  Mop your floor, clean your sheets, dust your TV, do it all, baby!  And really, as your friend, I would advise starting underneath your bed, something is fucking growing under there, dude. 

5. GO TO A FIRING RANGE

I've never been to a firing range, but I've always wanted to go.  Why, you ask?  Because I want to fire some goddamn guns, that's why!  I mean, where else can you get the full enjoyment of unloading a clip into something without having to murder your neighbor?  I would want to fire a shotgun, personally.  Just let that puppy RIP.  That target paper thingy is going to look like fucking swiss cheese when I'm done with it.  It's gonna wish it never saw the likes of ME. 
 
I'm sure there's more things that can be done, but I'll leave it to all of you in the comments.  For now though, try to get through this day as best you can. 

Onward

- Terrence Adams